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Original poster

How to not get jealous of SIL

189 replies

User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:02

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 13/09/2023 16:45

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 16:34

I hear you @horseyhorsey17 . I think it helps to realise that the blindness is deliberate - it is a refusal to see the truth, not an inability to see it. Took me decades to deal with the emotional fallout, which is actually way worse than the financial (why aren't I as loveable? Why isn't my unhappiness as important? Why is my struggle worth less? Those questions get to the heart of something very deep and quite young inside all of us. Therapy really helped me handle them and come out the other side as someone who could simply state the situation without being angry, upset or bitter any more. And to take pride in the fact that I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps!! I am self reliant, hear me roar (often with laughter).

The irony in my case is that I actually do way more for my parents now than my sister does. As soon as she got enough money she flounced off. Leaving them with me. Suddenly they started to see my good side, assisted by the fact that there was no longer someone residing in their house and constantly badmouthing everything I said or did. 😂

Oh god, yeah, I've always done way more for my parents than my sister. I see myself as Cordelia in this King Lear-style scenario! She doesn't lift a finger to help them with anything, and I am quite sure that should anything happen to dad, she'd spend all mum's money and then claim she was too skint to help out with care home costs etc. Which is actually a real worry, but that's another story.

Maybe you're right and therapy is the way forward. It's probably worth a try as I think my inner child is pretty fucked up by all this! Like you say, it's not the money - that's just a material manifestation of love. What I think I find most hurtful is that I am a popular person in my life, I am kind and have lots of friends, and I suppose my career is pretty successful, but I still feel kind of worthless because my parents have always just treated me as an 'also ran'.

Anyway! I am accidentally derailing the thread.

Noicant · 13/09/2023 16:47

When they call just say “oh sorry I would love to but I’m super busy with work/kids/ right now, give SIL a call, she’s free to help”. If they says she’s not then just snort and say “freer than I am, y’know work, gotta pay those bills…... Oooh sorry urgent email came through, got to go”

Rinse and repeat. Also it’s not ok for your DH to farm out helping to you without your consent. You need to say no to this, he can do what he wants but he can’t delegate to you.

Tbh yeah this dynamic absolutely sucks, I was the black sheep and just went NC.

Honeychickpea · 13/09/2023 17:16

HamBone · 13/09/2023 15:54

@Fairyliz Yes, I’d be SO tempted to lay it on with a trowel once or twice, just to see the reaction. It’s evil, I know. 😈

Show quote history

Wouldn't they then just ask their son if it is true? I doubt he'd appreciate being put on the spot in that way.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/09/2023 17:27

Don't waste your life being bitter about someone else being more fortunate (in your eyes).

ohboohoo · 13/09/2023 17:33

Just repeat every time 'you think it's hard in £300k???? Then you must realise how crippled we are on only £XX and that's with TWO of us working and no help with childcare. You have it sooooo easy'

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 17:33

I think it's relevant, Horsey, it's how you dealt with (and feel about) a similar situation. One of the hardest things is that everyone always assumes it is about money. It is NOT about money. It's about all the other things that money represents: love, being heard, care, emotional support, being respected.

You need to find the right therapist, I think, because a lot of people simply don't understand (or refuse to see) the lack of recognition that this implies. I think OP and her DH would.also benefit from having a place where they are "seen". Misrecognition is a terrible thing to deal with.

ohboohoo · 13/09/2023 17:35

Also say 'we would sooooo love to live somewhere posh like SIL does but they have £300k coming in and we don't so we have to compromise. It's soooooo hard with BOTH of us HAVING to work and not having free time to spend with the dc'

Funkyblues101 · 13/09/2023 17:39

For a house in central London she needs millions a year, not hundreds of thousands. You may need to explain slowly and carefully to your in laws that it's very sad SIL isn't an heiress to multi millions, but only a handful of people are and that, even if they gave her every penny they have and lived in a cardboard box, it would still not be enough for what she wants.

HamBone · 13/09/2023 17:42

Honeychickpea · 13/09/2023 17:16

Wouldn't they then just ask their son if it is true? I doubt he'd appreciate being put on the spot in that way.

Show quote history

@Honeychickpea I’m joking, I wouldn’t really do it. Although it sounds as if the OP and her DH do have a hefty mortgage and a lot of expenses to cover.

Ibizafun · 13/09/2023 17:51

Kensington!! I'd like to live in Kensington! Not v helpful sorry

storypushers · 13/09/2023 17:58

It’s not normal for someone with a household income of £300k to want to live in central London.

Really? Surely that's a huge salary.

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 18:10

You would think it was a huge salary, but have you seen the prices in Kensington? They're eye watering.

lavender2023 · 13/09/2023 18:28

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 18:10

You would think it was a huge salary, but have you seen the prices in Kensington? They're eye watering.

not kensington but notting hill. I guess its all about expectations and type of property. she had two kids in it.

https://www.houseandgarden.co.uk/gallery/fiona-mckenzie-johnston-flat

I doubt she earns £300k somehow as a journalist. I think this flat sold for less than £500k. Might even be similar value as my 2 bed flat in zone 3 north london (1930s purpose built).

And this red brick mansion 3 bed flat (share of freehold) is well below £1.5 million (£1.1 million)
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/139243259#/?channel=RESBUY

A richly decorated ex-local authority flat in Notting Hill

As she prepares to move out of her Notting Hill flat, Fiona McKenzie Johnston documents the ups and downs of local authority living, and gives us a tour of her highly decorated interiors.

https://www.houseandgarden.co.uk/gallery/fiona-mckenzie-johnston-flat

frumpalertt · 13/09/2023 18:43

Yes, but those are flats. OP explicitly says SIL is after a house the same size as her house, which is an hour out of London, but in Kensington.

This isn't a rational thing that is really about housing in an area, these kinds of people are greedy like that. They feel entitled to it. It's weird.

snackprovidersupreme · 13/09/2023 19:21

Can you reframe this in your own mind? Could your SIL feel a bit sheepish that she doesn't work, gets help and is financially well off, so moans to try to downplay things? Or is she incredibly lonely while her DH works long hours for his high paying job? Is there issues with her friendship group all being more secure in their high status London homes? I suspect she is quite unhappy to be moaning so much and seeking so much parental support, and perhaps your PIL see this too and are trying to make her happy without knowing how. You and your DH must look so settled and happy for your PIL not to feel burdened by worry about you both. If you can try to feel sorry for her, rather than jealous, it might help you.

Phineyj · 14/09/2023 07:09

I agree! Feeling sorry for people is a much better headspace.

Honeychickpea · 14/09/2023 08:30

Phineyj · 14/09/2023 07:09

I agree! Feeling sorry for people is a much better headspace.

I'm not sure it is. A better headspace in this case would be no headspace. The OP has an unhealthy obsession with her SIL.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/09/2023 10:30

I don't think you can easily 'come to terms with it' and 'not be jealous', because its fundamentally not fair and your husband is being taken advantage of. I don't think it's possible to sit and listen to how a family on £300k with kids in private school and substantial help, are struggling, without seething with anger if I'm honest.

So I think that leaves you with two options:.

  1. Confront it: call out every 'poor sister in law' comment, try and break the pattern of enablement, get your husband to talk to them about your financial worries, bring up wills with them so you know where you stand and act accordingly
  1. Remove yourselves from the situation. Avoid the SIL and her petty comments. Spend less time with them. Don't put yourself out to help them
YankeeDad · 14/09/2023 18:37

@User5512 if you want to feel less jealous -- imagine that you receive lots of help like your SIL receives, but that you are also are a whiny, helpless, person who will never have enough and will never be happy, and imagine that you have to live like that ever day.

Now imagine yourself back to being your present self, with all of the challenges you face but also all of your capabilities to face them.

And thing about which person you would rather be!

The only other change you may need to make is get a little bit busier yourself (even if being "busy" means lying in the bath while reading and listening to music) so that you are a little bit less available to "help."

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/09/2023 19:09

Its massively annoying. I think it is important to mildly and in a low key tone set them straight - ie. we can only afford our house because we moved further out, DH has earned everything he has himself, etc etc. Just put it out there, every time. Otherwise this narrative is just accepted, and the pattern continues. It is really common that parents spoil one child and expect others to fend for themselves - my parents did it and it is so unfair if you are left to take care of yourself. I am sure it is not meant that way, but to me it comes across as a lack of care.

fedupnow2 · 14/09/2023 19:13

User5512 · 13/09/2023 11:55

We are not talking /asking about inheritance.

im asking for advice to deal with my own resentment and jealousy.

DH works from office full time and I work from home 3 days a week. I’ll leave you to guess who does the most “helping”.

But you are choosing to help? So stop, let them get moody. Why does it matter if they get upset?

2chocolateoranges · 14/09/2023 19:16

Personally I’d be less available to the in-laws.
I’d also pity sil, that as an adult she has no job, no own income and can’t stand on her own two feet and needs to rely on handouts from her parents. Not the best role model for her children.

Devonnum12345 · 14/09/2023 19:58

It sounds like this scenario (the princess daughter getting everything and your DH treated like shit) has been going on for a while. I’m afraid I’d be much more Machiavellian than you clearly are OP……and I’d feel zero guilt for doing the following:

  1. DH. Talk to him at length about how poorly his parents have behaved towards him; they’ve treated him unfairly financially and emotionally compared to his sister. Point out that if your SIL inherits everything it won’t just be him that gets nothing, your children (by extension) will miss out financially too, in favour of their aunt and (already much more privileged) cousins - is this fair? If he isn’t prepared to fight for a fair share for his children then it doesn’t make him much of a parent, does it? And if any posters want to respond with the “nobody has a right to an inheritance” blah, blah, blah, they can jog on. That’s bollocks. Everyone has a right to a FAIR SHARE of an inheritance with their sibling, whether that’s £5 or £5Million.

  2. PIL.
    I’d sit them both down together and be totally frank with them. Explain that they have not treated their son properly by comparison with his sister and they need to make amends before they die. That may sound a bit much/harsh but quite frankly you’re their DIL who has loyally stood by both them and their son and you have a right to say this to them. Remember , you’ll be dealing with the fallout if/when SIL inherits everything and your DH is left feeling utterly devastated (and a lot poorer than he should be). And let’s face it, you’re actually telling them the absolute truth and you can hardly tell them the truth when they’re dead.

  3. SIL
    Tell the cheeky madam that you’ve got her number and to wind her neck in regarding pleading poverty to her parents. Tell her that whilst she thinks it’s ok for her brother to be treated as second rate in her family, you, his wife, have his back . Point out that if (oh, hypothetically) your PIL do leave your SIL an unfair share (never mind the whole lot!) you’ll make damn sure that the will is contested and the fall out (on her) will be spectacular. And ignore any crap about “mind your own business, my parents are entitled to leave their money to whoever they choose” etc .Your SIL has been manipulating her parents for years and has behaved appalling. You’re simply trying to get a fair resolution for your husband (and by extension, your children).

Well, I reckon I’ve said my piece there…..😁

Honeychickpea · 14/09/2023 20:50

Devonnum12345 · 14/09/2023 19:58

It sounds like this scenario (the princess daughter getting everything and your DH treated like shit) has been going on for a while. I’m afraid I’d be much more Machiavellian than you clearly are OP……and I’d feel zero guilt for doing the following:

  1. DH. Talk to him at length about how poorly his parents have behaved towards him; they’ve treated him unfairly financially and emotionally compared to his sister. Point out that if your SIL inherits everything it won’t just be him that gets nothing, your children (by extension) will miss out financially too, in favour of their aunt and (already much more privileged) cousins - is this fair? If he isn’t prepared to fight for a fair share for his children then it doesn’t make him much of a parent, does it? And if any posters want to respond with the “nobody has a right to an inheritance” blah, blah, blah, they can jog on. That’s bollocks. Everyone has a right to a FAIR SHARE of an inheritance with their sibling, whether that’s £5 or £5Million.

  2. PIL.
    I’d sit them both down together and be totally frank with them. Explain that they have not treated their son properly by comparison with his sister and they need to make amends before they die. That may sound a bit much/harsh but quite frankly you’re their DIL who has loyally stood by both them and their son and you have a right to say this to them. Remember , you’ll be dealing with the fallout if/when SIL inherits everything and your DH is left feeling utterly devastated (and a lot poorer than he should be). And let’s face it, you’re actually telling them the absolute truth and you can hardly tell them the truth when they’re dead.

  3. SIL
    Tell the cheeky madam that you’ve got her number and to wind her neck in regarding pleading poverty to her parents. Tell her that whilst she thinks it’s ok for her brother to be treated as second rate in her family, you, his wife, have his back . Point out that if (oh, hypothetically) your PIL do leave your SIL an unfair share (never mind the whole lot!) you’ll make damn sure that the will is contested and the fall out (on her) will be spectacular. And ignore any crap about “mind your own business, my parents are entitled to leave their money to whoever they choose” etc .Your SIL has been manipulating her parents for years and has behaved appalling. You’re simply trying to get a fair resolution for your husband (and by extension, your children).

Well, I reckon I’ve said my piece there…..😁

If the objective is to have DHs family cut contact with him completely then this is the way to go.

Grrrrdarling · 14/09/2023 21:35

@User5512 I don’t think it is jealousy you are feeling I think it is frustration, exasperation & the genuine unfairness of the whole situation yourself & your DH are experiencing.
SIL is monopolising the grandparents time, for no real reason, sponging off them despite having a comfortable wage coming into her household & seemingly having time to take a part time job due to the parents having the kids so much, but the parents are enabling this behaviour.

I would speak to your partner about what he thinks needs to be done but in an ideal world he’d speak to his parents & they’d start to be more firm with the daughter.
Sometimes people can’t see they are being taken for a ride & they need someone to blatantly point these things out to them.

Hugs, it isn’t easy living within an extended family where dynamics a skewed in favour of members who are quite capable of sorting themselves out if they were just more realistic about their lives & made better decisions instead of trying to live a life outside of their means!