How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

Yes, totally. But we are having to do all the day to day support and “helping”. That’s somehow our duty, but we get nothing. Sounds fair!

I've seen a few friends go through this, their sibling has been handed everything on a plate and then received the full inheritance on top. Whilst my friends, seen as the more independent/ capable/ settled sibling, have received nothing. It invariably causes a huge amount of upset and resentment. I don't know that there's very much you can do to change it, but you can look at what you and DH have achieved without help and be proud of yourselves.

OP, we have much the same problem with DH’s sister and parents. His mum has all but come out and said the house will be left to his sister as ‘she hasn’t been as lucky as us’ she had all the same opportunities but chose not to take them and has instead played the poor me card for years. PIL pay her rent most months even though her & her DH earn as much as us. It’s very annoying and hurtful for DH as he always comes second…until they need help with something.

Is it both of you doing things to help or your DH? Surely it’s up to him to be upset? I just think you’re playing with fire getting involved in talk about inheritance. It’s not really anything to do with you.

Then the PIL's support needs are also none of her business either I guess. Seems like the OP gets all the shit bits of being a daughter-in-law, none of the good bits and is expected to have no opinion on it! WTF?

Be less available
. Nowt the can so if they have no cash with strings dangling over you.

Agree with this.
Also have a conversation with your DH to stop helping them and redirect them to SIL. And if they get moody let them.
They are treating him as a second class citizen, reducing contact altogether would be good for him.

We are not talking /asking about inheritance.

im asking for advice to deal with my own resentment and jealousy.

DH works from office full time and I work from home 3 days a week. I’ll leave you to guess who does the most “helping”.

Stop doing it. That will help you feel better.

You need to stop thinking about your sil and every time negative thoughts come into your head about her tell yourself it is none of your business.

what your husbands parents decide to give or leave to who is none of your business. The childcare help they do is none of your business.

It’s not even your own parents you're stewing over, it’s your husband’s! Just focus on your own life.

Then you should stop.

You're getting angry at SIL because you know you need boundaries in your own life regarding PIL.

That should be the first thing you tackle and then I reckon you'll be much less aggravated about the babying of SIL.

It's not easy. But she doesn't work and you do. So the days you work should be a solid boundary regarding PIL. You can't help on those days until after work. No exceptions.

And the other two days are you doing childcare? Then PIL need to fit round your life. Let them sulk. They didn't help you or DH with money when younger or childcare. Living near you doesn't entitle them to your time and effort.

@User5512 I feel this dynamic is recreated in so many families where one child is babied. You can only change you - if you aren’t receiving any reciprocity, be less available. It sounds like you’d be better off trying to increase your happiness - you can affect that, you can’t affect the dynamic with you dh, his dp and his dsis.

I'd be thinking carefully about what exactly you are jealous of. Why be jealous of someone like this? You should be proud of your own hard work, prudence, lovely house etc.

As for the resentment, you need to let go of the idea of getting any inheritance from the PILs. Consider it a done deal that you'll get nothing. (If you do, what a nice surprise.)

Next, stop making yourself quite so available to them. Quietly draw your own boundaries for what you will and won't help with. Then stay polite, but firm.

She sounds annoying as hell but I think you can choose to be less bothered by her.

Agree with @rose69 In situations like this, however annoying, I always think “would I want to swap positions with her and how she is”. Answer is probably no right?

It’s annoying but you need to just feel pity, otherwise it will eat you up.

Then stop doing it for them if it is causing resentment. Be busy or tell them you will see if DH can do it when he finishes work etc. If you are always busy they will soon get the message.

@PerfectMatch This is exactly what happened when FIL died, he left everything to SIL who now owes money to MIL. She has no health issues and has always earned big money with a decade of having free accommodation plus some years offshore and tax free, she is just shit at life.

@User5512 I feel your pain. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for family members to fall into specific roles and conditioning from childhood continues throughout their life. Your SIL is the poor soul who needs support and is so hard done too. Your DH is the capable reliant one. It will take a really major event to get your PIL to shift their behaviour.

As pp have said you and DH need to discuss the level of help you are prepared to give and then stick to it. No. Is a complete sentence.

Look at services like Home Instead https://www.homeinstead.co.uk/ and start suggesting them. MIL I have an optician’s appointment - great I’ll phone Home Instead/ Community Transport to take you. FIL I need a shelf putting up - great we’ll get the local handyman to pop in. You need to go to xyz - great I’ve arranged a taxi for you. Yes you are doing the initial organising but they will start to get the idea and organise themselves. Staying firm is hard but you will regret it if you don’t.

WRT finances this is one I would suggest you keep doing. In my experience the child who always has their hand out is the one that feels entitled to “dip” into their parents money. The one who has been self sufficient is very careful to do it right. These days doing finances on-line is far easier. I recommend setting up an email that is for parents e.g. MumanddadPOA and a joint account out of which bills etc can be paid. This way you keep their bills and finances separate. If you can get them to set up POA for both Health & Well-being and Finances.

Why does she need a house that costs £2.5m? No one does. She sounds like a brat

‘Yes, totally. But we are having to do all the day to day support and “helping”. That’s somehow our duty, but we get nothing. Sounds fair!’

Next time they ask…

‘Sorry, no can do. Just too busy working to pay our own way as independent adults. We are sure that you understand given your own life stories & it’s just so very important to bring up our children to understand how the real world works. Y’know treating people with respect, developing financial independence & adult responsibilities, not taking people & their goodwill for granted.’

<pause for breath>

‘Are you free first Sunday in October for family roast lunch at the Harvester/local pub/bistro ? We know that things are tight for you, Cost of Living etc, so we’ll pay for us & the kids as we’ll have just been paid.’

😉

If they can’t/won’t see a reasoned case, then at least enjoy taking the piss.

The way to cope is firstly to stop being available. Go full time or pretend to. Or invent a training course/career development on other days. Involve your kids in more activities (or pretend to) so that you are ‘busy’.

Secondly your SIL is one of those silly spoilt people who can’t cope with life. Think of what a shit example she is setting to her own kids.

Further down the line, you have your career etc, she has nothing.

Minimise contact and if PIL need help then SIL can provide it. Forget the inheritance.

Me and H are highly mortgaged in a small semi, both work full time and I've got an inherited genetic condition - (I don't claim any benefit - not that is relevant) - we will be paying this mortgage well into our 60s

Apparently, because we 'own our own home'- my parents have advised me they are leaving their very expensive mortgage-free house to my Sister 100%. During this conversation I never offered an opinion, i just said OK.
My sister knows this and never says a nice word about them and says things like 'hope they hurry up and die haha' ....
...which is actually heartbreaking

I don't feel jealous of my sister and I wouldn't swap her life for mine in any circumstances

But with my parents - This is just one of a long list of crap that my parents have done in my life to emphasize how they feel and I barely speak to them any more (actually their choice)

It is just another indicator that they don't give a shit

In 20 years time, you will look at what you've achieved with pride, knowing you did it alone.

I'm the dutiful one in my batshit family, does my head in. It was my own fault tho, looking back.

Look up FOG and the Stately Homes thread. Take a step back.

You’re resentful because you’re supporting your PIL and not getting paid for it while SIL sits on her arse and pleads poverty. The best way to resolve your own feelings is to stop supporting your PIL.

But this is your SIL parents! They arnt your parents so of course they will help their own daughter out with childcare, wedding and everything else you listed. Your also not entitled to any of their inheritance...that gets split between your husband and SIL and if you diverced your husband, inheritance is one of the things the law doesn't allow to split. Your husband gets to keep it all.
It's abit weird that you know how much they are on or even trying to guess it's not your business.

YABVU... its NONE of your business.

Its not your family, your money or your inheritance.

You have zero stake in this and moaning that your in laws spend THEIR money on THEIR might leave their money to THEIR daughter is insane and speaks to pure greed.

If your DH has issues HE should discuss it with HIS family while you butt completely out of it.

His parents don't have to leave him anything if they don't want and they certainly don't owe you anything.