How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

Firstly, remove any thought of inheritance from your mind. Live your life as if your DH will get nothing. Your PIL’s may decide to sell up and spend it all travelling when they retire, it may get swallowed up in care home fees, they may decide to leave it entirely to the RSPCA. All of which they can do as it’s their money and theirs to spend or leave as they wish.

Secondly, would you want to trade positions with SIL? Pretty sure the answer would be no. You have a career, a house and healthy kids - you have a lot to be thankful for. You also don’t ever really know what’s truly going on in your SIL’s life. It doesn’t sound great if they are struggling on a £300k wage. I’d be feeling more sorry for her than resentful. I don’t know anyone in real life who actually wants handouts from their parents when they have families of their own. It would be seen as something to be ashamed of in my circles.

Be proud of your independence
& next time they 'need help', suggest that SiL has more time since she can't be arsed to get a job.

Sounds a bit like my SIL but my situation is not about money it is always about how awful her life is, how depressed she is etc. I was even expected to "support" her with her depression when she came to stay with us for a week despite us having our own stressors at the time. How does DH feel about this? I've learnt the best way is to just cut myself off from it all. It's his family at the end of the day and I leave it to him now to do the communicating and to get worked up about things.

Parity is important for families and I can see how it must grate to see your husband work hard to potentially be taken for a mug.

Personally I'd act confused "oh you know, SIL needs a break" and assume they're joking "haha yes it's hard being a lady who lunches, rushing between those nail and hair appointments, so rough", "well you know they can't afford a house", "yes it's hard situation to only have 1.5 million, poor dears, we should start a Go Fund Me for them.

the median London house price is £523,666. £1.5 million can get you a house in most parts of London including the nice parts. Yes you will get a smaller home than outside London but this has always been the compromise.

Majority of homes in Kensington are flats and most people (including private school parents) live in the mansion flats.

You have my sympathies, my FIL is still working well into his 70's because he bought a house for my SIL to live in rent free and they plan to gift it to her once the mortgage is paid. My DH on the other hand gets asked to go round and help them change lightbulbs. I try and let it wash over me but my DH gets incredibly frustrated but finds it impossible to say no.

How do the requests for help from PILs get made? Directly to you, or via DH?

You are projecting onto your SIL your frustrations about your own decisions.

Firstly, take her out of it. If you weren't married to her brother, her life would have no affect on your whatsoever.

Focus on your DH's relationship with his parents. If he is happy with it then it does not affect you. It's nothing to do with you what they choose to spend their money on.

If your DH is not happy then he needs to address this with his parents. Both of you can stop helping the parents. You can. You are choosing to do this and then complaining about it as you resent it.

You need a heart to heart with your DH and to understand that if he doesn't want to deal with it then drop it, see less of PIL and try to enjoy your own life without comparison to others.

You do need to look into why you've got involved with all this help for two fairly healthy, not particularly elderly people. For one thing if you saw them less it would massively reduce the amount of annoying things you need to hear!

I mean, my DP are into their 80s and don't need me to do any of this stuff! (My dad was seriously ill a few years ago and I did help out then -- and they have helped me in the past quite a bit so I would reciprocate).

If it’s you then stop. If they ask for anything just say you have a daughter and a son, ask them

You need to put some boundaries up if you want to not feel put upon all the time

Toys may be thrown out of multiple prams but not your issue, it’s not your family it’s your DHs and therefore for him to sort out

And it’s not your inheritance either so stop focusing on that

So your SIL and her DH have £1.5m in savings, her DH earns £300k a year, they wish to buy a house worth £2.5m but can't get a mortgage for the £1m? Why can't they get a mortgage for that on a salary of £300k?

Also, stop being so available to PIL. Start saying no. "Sorry, I can't help, you'll have to ask SIL to help with that".

That's irrelevant though isn't it. The finances of another family are nothing to do with the OP. If they don't want a mortgage that's up to them. I would never be trying to keep track of my BIL's wages, savings and mortgage potential. OP needs to focus on her own life, not theirs.

Also agree with just taking a massive step back and stopping being available so often to help. I don't understand why you are putting yourself out for them when they don't reciprocate.

Reduce the help
Otherwise when one or both need to go into a home you’ll be the ones having them live with you so SIL can get the full amount.
Really DH is the one who needs to tackle this.
as mentioned up thread, they think DD is a baby whi needs mothering and are unlikey to ever listen to reason.

DH could start drip feeding how tough life is whenever he sees them

I think you should take a step back + remember its your in-laws. DH is the one that has to live with how he treats his family. He has to be true to himself + do what he feels in right, both in terms of helping them out + his sister asking for help. How he wants to deal with your SIL is your answer. You can point out to him that its not fair, suggest cutting back assistance. But he knows. And its his decision. The chances are this family dynamic is so deep rooted he just wants to carry on uncomplaining. Thats his call. You make your call in terms of how much you are willing to support them on your own, in other words how much of his burden you want to assist with. But if you go against how he wants to deal with it, it is likely to drive a wedge between you. You can't change how you treat your elderly parents after they are gone, but you can take your anger out on someone who encouraged you to step back.
In my family, my dad was an only child to a narcissistic mother. She always wanted his time + devotion. He had to set limits on visits to strike a balance with work + his own family. Her mind deteriorated as she got older + she became openly horrible to my mum, so jealous. Despite this my mum supported my dad in whatever he felt he needed to do for his mum, within reason. My mum said my dad would never be able to live with himself otherwise + he'd end up hating her for it.
You can't rewrite someone elses family dynamic, only tweak it.

I have been in a similar position when it was made abundantly clear to me that although I was a wonderful and dutiful DIL, I was never really seen as part of the family as such.

So when BIL asked me to have his kid over the summer holidays, even if I was free I wouldn't, I would direct him to his brother or mother. When MIL wants to see us or needs a lift, I direct them to her son. He is very busy and doesn't have much time and so by putting up that boundary they have got the message that I am no longer their PA, dogsbody, taxi, free childcare.

The relationship cooled but we have found a much healthier equilibrium and I no longer feel enraged by the disparity of treatment, as I do not let them treat me like that. It took time but all the resentment has gone.

And they never asked me about it, mainly because they would have then had to acknowledge how rotten they had been in the past!

First, stop helping. They are not your parents, they are not your responsibility. Start being busy when they ask and if they moan keep repeating that you're both working, you don't have time, and they should ask your SIL. Rinse and repeat.

She might have more money but she sounds bloody miserable, whiny, ungrateful, completely lacking any self awareness and a right pain the arse.

I'd rather be worse off and not a dick.

Hopefully that makes you feel a bit better!

I'd also be tempted to bleat on to in-laws about how busy and hard up you are - hence you can't possibly help with the lift / DIY etc

I agree you really have to step away.

Why you are so involved with these people is a mystery.

They are your husbands parents.

Why are you running around after them?

Take responsibility for your annoyance and step away.

They need to call their daughter who doesn't work.

How well they moved closer to your husband🙄.

This is your life until you stop allowing yourself to be used.

You need to get the though of inheritance out of your mind or the resentment is going to build and it could become ugly.
Just concentrate on what you have.

It sounds to me like she feels poor because she lives somewhere out of her league, and her children attend school with other wealthier people. She obviously isn’t poor, but her bubble makes her feel poor.

I would use this to feel sorry for her: she can’t be happy. She’s trapped herself in a keeping-up-with-the-joneses world where she can never ever keep up. Even in her 2.5m house, if she gets it, she’ll feel hard done by because her kids’ friends will have bigger, pricier houses and holidays etc.

She can’t live within her means. She can’t be happy.

You can.

Use that to stop the resentment. She’s boxed herself into a sad life. You haven’t.

Do people actually think this sort of bullshit or do they just make it up to have a pop at the OP?

Not sure which is more depressing.

And also - yes, step away from the parents and the stories. Stop seeing the inheritance as yours or worrying about it. Stop helping the parents if they’re driving you bananas with their treatment of their daughter.