How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

I understand it can be hard not to feel jealous and annoyed. I'd feel the same tbh. All I can suggest is trying not to think about it and being proud of you and your husband for what you've achieved independently!! It sounds like you e both done amazing, both separately and together.

They aren't even your relatives and are not dead yet and you are already fretting about your inheritance. If I was them I wouldn't want you to get a penny.

How are you parents in law not your relatives?

You can’t buy a house in central London with a household income of £300k unless you have a hefty deposit (£0.5m+) and another six-figure sum to cover the stamp duty.

Doesn’t sound like the SIL’s household is in that position, or nor will they be even if she inherits 100% of the PIL’s wealth due to inheritance tax.

This sounds like quite a common delusion and entitlement that high earners have that they should be able to live in Prime Central London, just because the old-money wealthy types they rub shoulders with in their high paying jobs in the City can.

EDIT: I just read that the SIL’s household actually are in a position to buy a house in Central London, so there is absolutely no excuse for their behaviour and taking handouts from the PIL!

Do people actually sit and rub their hands together thinking about how much money they should get when someone dies?

Especially someone they have zero blood relation too and no right too?

Do they then make themselves sad that they aren't going to get enough of this cash they feel entitled too because the person is leaving it to their CHILD and then moan about it?

Now THAT'S fucking depressing.

Nothing but pure heartless greed, waiting like a vulture for their parents to die so you can play millionaires, yes its disgusting. The reason OP is ranting here is likely because she knows shes out of line and can't say this to the actual family who would tell her to sling her hook (DH included). Her DH can moan about his relationship with DS but OP cannot sit and bitch about what will happen after their parents pass away.

They are her HUSBANDS family... he chose her not them. They have ZERO obligation to her.

Put it this way if OP DH divorces her she won't see a shiny shit of that inheritance because they are NOT her family.

People have said that you are not entitled to anything from them, in that case they are not entitled to your help, surely that should be from golden girl.

I put YABU just because although I agree it's unfair and very annoying, it's your DHs fight and for the sake of family harmony and your own mental wellbeing, life is just bloody unfair and you have to let it go to a large extent. It's not your decision about the inheritance and she's not your sister.

In a way you are also in a pretty fortunate position, I'm a single parent with a disabled child, and my Ex is loaded but really mean with money. So I could be living my life angry all the time! But we can't. That's not to say we just roll with it. You could stand up every single time and call her out, even in a joking way but make it more obvious that she's being selfish. You could also support your DH in making it clearer to his parents that he also needs stuff sometimes. You could also ask your parents in law to babysit for you sometimes and get closer to them, and just regularly tell them that although you may look OK it's still hard for you in X or Y ways. They would probably love to help.

Not your inheritance. Let it go.

I find these posts very odd because in the early stages of having DC, PILs are barely even GPs in the eyes of a number of women on MN…just annoying people who want to hold their babies and apparently upset the mothers.

But of course…later on…PILs become equal with the woman’s parents when inheritance is in the picture.

Omg I'd have to say something really patronising in front of them incl pil like..."I don't understand how you have no money, your husband earns 300k, what are you spending it all on? Would you like me to help you go through your accounts to see where you can cut your outgoings, failing that, why don't you get yourself a little job"..that will also plant the seed in the naive parents mind too that something g doesn't add up. I also say quite loudly that she may want a house in a specific area but if she can't afford that area, there are plenty others she can afford to buy...

You’ve hit the nail on the head when you said ‘I have no idea why they worry about her all the time’. There you have it, you have no clue as to what’s gone on in the past before you met the family, she may have mental health problems, she may be psychically unwell, your husband may have been an utter asshole in their teenage years, there’s a lot you may not be aware of. I suggest you just mind your own business, as a DIL you won’t ever be equal to their own daughter, I know that sounds brutal but it’s true.

You need to decide if you want to be jealous or not. It's that simple. With this thread and every post you make, you're reinforcing that you think you're in a competition with SIL for attention, for money, for support. You need to change how you think about it - and ideally - not think about it at all.
You have a house. You're independent. Lots of people in your position would actually feel superior to a SIL who was still so beholden to her parents.
You can't change SIL or your PIL. The only part within your control is your attitude to all this.

I wouldn’t be providing any help for in-laws who treated my husband so badly compared to his sister.

I’d want nothing to do with her. No jealous, I just couldn’t relate to an adult who refuses to work.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease

Lets hope she doesnt get divorced...

It’s not normal for someone with a household income of £300k to want to live in central London.

what? why?

This would drive me nuts too. Just the unfairness of it. But I should think your inlaws have been groomed by your SIL into seeing her as the helpless one that needs special care and attention since she was little. Narcissists are good at that - although actually that's a bit too simplistic a view, because the parents babifying her will also have helped her become the needy adult babywoman she is now.

Not sure really what you can do, but if your inlaws are elderly, I would have a talk with them to make sure they've made proper provision for their old age and aren't planning on leaving everything to the sister while being financially/physically reliant on you.

The only thing you can control OP is your own actions.

So stop being on hand for them, make something up if you have to, but there's no need on your part to be doing anything for them.

And I'd probably find it helpful to assume any inheritance is already gone, and thee'd be nothing for me at all.

Only after doing these two things are you likely to stop dwelling on this.

While it all seems unfair my god the bitterness from you!! You do need to learn to live with this- the adjectives you use, the inverted commas- it sounds like you hate her. I don’t know how you can live with that simmering kettle feeling.

Not going to address the inheritance part as it’s your IL’s money they can leave it to who they want as unfair as you may think this is.

but in terms of other aspects you can either ignore and change the subject or look to put your thoughts on the matter forward in a non-confrontational way. It’s all about the language you use.

in terms of helping them out - don’t. But you don’t have to be mean about it. Sorry MlL I can’t help you on X date as I have a meeting. I’m sure SIL would love to help you out. What your husband does to help his parents isn’t really up to you so long as it doesn’t effect your family time.

I think it’s common for parents to be closer to their daughter than their daughter in law - my monster in law always complains I spend more time with my parents than her. there possibly some sibling favouritism going on here.

If he doesn't divorce her, she will, because they ARE her family.

I think this is a roll your eyes and get on with your own life situation. Yes of course it's annoying, but you have your self respect and dignity, knowing you have built everything together yourselves, whereas it doesn't sound as though she does. Most families have this sort of issue, albeit not with the large amounts of cash you are talking about, but the difference is you can afford to support yourselves. As was the case in our family dynamic, I'm betting that your sil's inlaws are higher up socially and fiancially than her parents, so her parents are playing keepy uppies?

If I were ever having such strong feelings of jealousy, which happily I don’t - I would remind myself that what other people choose to spend their money on is none of my business. Maybe SIL has a better, luckier life than you because she’s more positive.

Well she won't because its HIS inheritance. Its not being left to her married or not.