How to not get jealous of SIL

[User5512]

Mil and FIL are comfortable in retirement. They have a house that is worth over 700k and private pensions.

DH funded his uni and has been financially independent since he was 18. SIL had uni paid for, living expenses paid for and her wedding paid for. She never worked a single day in life. Her husband makes over £300k a year.

inlaws are constantly feeling sorry for her and “helping” her all the time. Her kids are constantly at inlaws place as she needs a break. They rent in central London as they are too poor to buy. She is constantly crying poverty and getting money from inlaws. Fil is worried about her all the time. I have no idea why. we live 10mins away from inlaws and are at their call 24/7 when they need “help”. They are physically able and quite healthy when they help SIL, but become weak when they see DH (his fault for enabling this).

DH and I are in decent jobs and have a 4 bed house (mortgaged to eyeballs) 1 hr away from London. SIL always moaned about this. (They have a house and we don’t - we are so poor! But she wants a similar sized house in Kensington). We are quite tight month on month as we save for retirement too. No fancy outgoings, quite carful with money. We get zero help from inlaws despite them being 10mins away. Our kids were in paid childcare while SILs were looked after by inlaws.

I have a nagging feeling that she is going to take away 100% of inheritance. I’m getting very resentful and jealous of her. DH and I work long hours, drag through life day to day, while she just sulks and takes what she wants.

No judgement please. I’m human! How can I get over this jealousy and just focus on my life? This woman rubs it in on a weekly basis.

Are you happy in your life? Do you have a loving and fulfilling marriage? Focus on that. Who cares what SIL gets, it isn't really anyone else's business what your PIL do with their money (or why) so long as they have capacity and aren't being abused.

It sounds like your husband wanted to be financially independent which is why he has been since 18? And you said yourself that he doesn't have a problem with the set up. SIL sounds a bit pathetic tbh, and if she's always wanting more she'll probably never be happy.

Another voice here to say this dynamic is common, I have it in my family. Reasoning has also been impossible so you have to make peace with which outcomes are not achievable (this might be equal treatment of your DH and SIL, and/or convincing the DP of the unfairness) and focus on the outcomes which are achievable, which could be:

1. You and DH maximising enjoyment of your own lives and your DC's lives, which includes not being at beck and call of his DP
2. You and DH ensuring your own financial security, which it sounds like you're well on the way to
3. Maybe you want to limit time with your SIL?

You did mention inheritance in the OP, and it's not yours to be concerned about and imo not even your DH's (what if his DP need it all for their care, enjoying retirement etc). Doesn't mean he wouldn't be entitled to be upset if it is shaded unequally, but don't let this cloud everything else. As for SIL's ridiculous take on her situation, find a way to laugh it off or just ignore ignore.

So stop!

It really is that easy. Every time they ask, point them in the direction of their daughter.

'As sil doesn't work, it makes more sense for her to help.'
When they inevitably point out that you are nearer you can respond with, bnt she is over all the time to drop/collect kids so she obviously doesn't mind the journey.

Repeat and rinse.

When your sil/pil bring up about her needing a house. Tell them she needs to do the same as you and take out a loan.
If they can't because she doesn't work, she needs to work the same as you do.
She doesn't have childcare, she has more unpaid than you do.

Etc etc etc keep pointing out her bullshit while refusing to help.
She benefits from help with your in laws and that should be reciprocated.

Yabu to feel entitled to any IL inheritance

they don’t owe you an inheritance

They have £1.5 million in savings and an income of £300k a year? Do you PILs know this?

I think you should shut down absolutely every future conversation about money, either with your SIL or PILs when they try to say how difficult her life is, by saying “but you’re literally a millionaire / but she’s literally a millionaire.” Say it each and every time. Again and again. And sound completely incredulous when you say it.

maybe they don’t know how much she has or how she spends it? I do think it’s a bit weird that you know so much TBH. I have no clue how much my family members earn or how much they have is savings.

but I sympathise. She sounds dreadful.

You feeling put out by all the help you give your in-laws is on you. You can say no, easily. Your husband can deal with them.

As for your SIL, you sound quite petty, and you really need to wind your neck in. How your in-laws handle their daughter and whatever help they give her is absolutely none of your business. This is their child. They can manage their relationship with her any way they wish to. It has nothing to do with you.

Be less available then. Suggest that SIL can "help" more. She doesn't work so she must have plenty of free time on her hands.

This learned helplessness will backfire on her eventually. What will she do after her parents die?

This would enrage me, I must admit. My DF/PIL treat me and DB/DH and his DB very fairly and always have.

I would push back on the comments re poor SIL as suggested in previous responses. And I would not be available to help. I’m so petty I’d make it very targeted eg I can’t take you to the opticians as I’m helping out at school/ checking their homework as we can’t afford to send ours to private school with small classes. And repeat.

I'd be more mad at the fact he gets paid 300,000 in cash ....clearly a tax dodger and something illegal going on.

I agree.

I think it is hard having SIL issues brought up to you all the time in a "poor SIL" sort of way when she is clearly very well off, and also on top of that the expectation that your DH is responsible for buying into the parent's concerns and must give her expensive presents and assistance and sympathy.

I don't think it is jealousy as such, although it is only natural to feel a bit of that when you compare your hard work, but not much left over to spend on extras, and her well heeled life, but as others have said, you will eventually own your own home.

Also as pps said. She's being treated like a child, as someone who is not responsible for themselves and must be sheltered. It doesn't sound as if you would want to live that way.

Your DH sounds kind and caring and a good example to your DC. You have a good life. Her's although comfortable at the moment, sounds a bit unstable.

I think you would benefit from stepping back a bit and not getting any further involved in the "Difficulties" that are SIL's life. That is not to say a break with the family, but just not accepting that SIL's issues are anything to do with you or even DH. She has a DH for that. She has made choices to have a life that is more than they can afford.

Also, maybe step back a little from the PILs too, who you say are unable to do lots of things and need help, unless its for SIL when they are suddenly very capable. ie. Don't always be the ever-reliable Go To available people. Make people appreciate that this is not always a done deal, or you won't be able to escape this role. Where people can stand on their feet, let them. You and DH have to stand on your own feet all the time it appears. There is a line between kindness and your own boundaries.

Moving forward. I believe its actually a very good thing for Parents, Grandparents to discuss with family what their plans are for their future care and be open about it. So that you are not suddenly landed with an assumption when its too late to do anything else.
DH's grandmother did that and it meant that it was all resolved amicably and discussed calmly which was beneficial all round. Other relatives didn't and were stressed, resentful and let things get to crisis point.
DH should try to discuss this, but the two of you decide together how much involvement you want to have so that he can let his opinions be heard to them. If things worry him, these things should be raised.
I say this not because of inheritance issues, because that's up to them who they leave their funds to ,
but because earlier pp suggested that they might donate to contribute to SIL's house purchase which you say could be £1 mill -
That's such a huge sum, can they actually afford to do this, its a valid question for DH to ask because they could be getting into a right old mess and making unrealistic sacrifices, without really ensuring that they have enough to live on themselves and expect DH to step in. So it concerns him too from that aspect.

This

Stop supporting and helping, it might feel odd saying no or not offering but I think it will be better for you in the long term.

even if I didnt work at all I would be setting fresh new boundaries on being the one to help op. ‘Sorry we are busy, hopefully sil can help.’ ‘Sorry but I just can’t take time out of my work day anymore except for emergencies with the children, it’s stressful paying the mortgage right now.’

This is a very good point. It’s much better to be the adult.

I can see why it absolutely sucks, but in fairness it doesn’t seem to have made SIL happy.

This too.

Why doesn't your DH say to his parents "SIL's family income of £300k, is more than me and User 5512 earn put together. And she has an amazing lifestyle where she doesn't have to work, whereas me and User 5512 have to both work full time. Why are you feeling sorry for her?"

It's funny how some parents have zero difficulty in identifying that one child should get their time, efforts and free childcare, whilst another can be their PA and future carer.

My single friend has had 20 years of her parents devoting every minute of their time to her brother and his family, whilst she was superfluous to requirements unless they needed something, and they have been quite demanding of her over the years as they had her sort out things for them that they chose not to do.

Never had any interest in her "spinster" life.🙄

They had started to slow down a bit, and her parents and brother made it clear that her future would be as their carer, and she really should think about moving back home, rather than 10 minutes away.

She never said a word but it was the push she need to apply for a transfer immediately within her large organisation and has moved an hour away.

Her parents never called to her, so it was surprisingly easy to sell up her small home.

She has really settled well where she is renting and loves her new job.

Her move was met with absolute incredulity, but she told them that if they had ever asked what she was doing in her life she would have shared her plans.

She still visits and cares for her parents, but she has left her brother squarely in position to continue his close relationship with their parents, but he and his wife are now who they have to call for their PA duties as she is too far away and her new position is very busy.

She is so grateful that she was motivated to move as it has been a hugely positive and she is so much lighter in herself.

This is the only part you have control over.

What will you do with that control?

Has anyone in the family suggested that she get a job?

I'd be jealous too!

If you have energy to spare focusing negatively on what someone else is doing with their life when it doesn't directly and immediately impact you (the only impact it sounds as though you're worried it'll have is inheritance related, which is a really sad thing to be focused on when people are still alive and well), then you're not focusing enough on your own self and own circumstances.

Shame if your phone accidentally blocked them. My ils never had my mobile number.. And dh certainly would never have lifted a finger to help them. They came once a week. At 8.20 am. If they showed up uninvited I just went about my day. Even if that meant going out and taking dc with me.

YANBU, its not an unusual situation at all. Have you heard of the scapegoat and the golden child? Its hard on the scapegoat to be constantly excluded, and the will is usually the last 'fuck you'. Support your DH and go along with however he wants to handle it.

There's nothing you can do about that OP so there's no point in worrying about it. Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes parents favour a child. It sounds like you have a happy marriage and a good life -concentrate on that and all the great things you have. If you find your relationship with SIL taxing then cut it to the bare minimum. If she/they moan about finances or life be brutally honest in your answers -we have money because we live within our means and I work. Nothing to do with luck. Cut off the bollocks swiftly and change the subject.

I don’t think you will ever like this woman, her privilege, lifestyle and demeanour are too different from your own.

What could alleviate a lot of stress is having DH sit down with his parents regarding their affairs to sort them out.

Ideally you want to ensure an ironclad will with 50:50 split and your DH being executor or at least joint executor with the sister or she is going to thoroughly take the piss and have it all for herself.

You also need to consider aspects such as inheritance tax - is it better to sign over house now or have it as a Ltd company?

That comes across as your biggest concern really. For you to do the majority of work looking after them and receive nothing would be incredibly unfair.

Your DH needs to sort it out. But I wonder if he wasn’t strong enough to stand up for himself over the Uni funding, wedding help etc would he be able to do it over this?