To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

For a start you could chuck the straighteners out. That’ll save you some time.

Why do you wait? Take the youngest to school and leave her behind. Let her make her own way to school.

And yes, cancel her birthday. Tell her she can turn 15 once she acts 15.

I would carry on with the birthday arrangements as planned then crack down afterwards.

No phone etc until chores done, no going out if cheeky or disrespectful etc etc.

Clamp down just not on her birthday.

I would cancel it, you could always give her the present later on in the day but definitely cancel the dinner. And stop waiting for her, tell her what time you are leaving in the morning and then go. Let school punish her for lateness.

Low lying depression for being a defiant cheeky shit? stop excusing her horrible behaviour and parent her.
Why does every poor behaviour had be to have a diagnosis? shes been allowed to be entitled and spoiled and now you don't like it.

That sounds so stressful! Why doesn't she shower & wash her hair the night before? I would definitely not be late or make your other DC late because of her, just leave the house if she isn't ready. The birthday thing is tricky, I wouldn't want to do it but I'd probably do it but start putting boundaries in for her day to day.

I'm not sure. Now you've threatened it I think if you don't do it she'll know you're not serious and it will make it worse. But cancelling her birthday seems a bit harsh.

I'd maybe cancel the dinner and say she can have the macbook air once her behaviour improves.

You need to get more help though and try and address the depression. I agree I wouldn't wait around for her in the morning and let her deal with the consequnces of being late. Perhaps the school pastoral team can help.

I would still do the birthday but I sympathise. It sounds like my teenage son at that age and he's still the last to arrive. Warn her, after the birthday, that she will get two reminders and then you will leave. Ensure she has a key and is within walking distance of school and follow through. And ignore complaints from her. Don't react to to rudeness but if she wants lifts, money etc, remind her that kindness works both ways.

I would say continue with her birthday.

If the issues continue to then maybe resort to other restrictions, especially making her aware of the impact of both of you of being late.

Other than that, nothing you’ve mentioned sounds massively out of the ordinary for that age. There may be a good reason why she hates school.

The refusing to get up early issue may not be a massive ‘behavioural’ thing, especially if she is dreading school. Even my 65 year old mother can’t cope with getting up before 9am. But yes she needs to understand the impact of being late.

"DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner."

That's a lot. A lot financially and also a lot materially.

Has she always been given so much?

I wouldnt cancel the party. I'd let it go ahead but this is going to take time to undo. Its years worth of what you've let her get away with. Stop it back, sit and talk to her, peel away all the layers and find out what's going on. Get her to a GP if needed. Set rules and boundaries, give her some structure. Take away her comforts when she goes against those rules. It's not going to happen over night, you've admitted yourself you've let this carry on.

I think the opposite. If there's a household computer she can use she doesn't need an air.

Don't cancel the dinner - marking her birthday is important, and uninviting friends is embarrassing for her - but drop the luxury tech

@randomusername2020

"I would not tolerate EVER being screamed at by my child, so that needs immediate consequences. There are ways to communicate that dont involve screaming."

Genuine question, not being goady, as I think it could help me: what immediate consequences would you use for screaming/shouting?

My 6yo is shaping up to be a screamer and I find it really difficult. We never ignore it but neither firm sanctions (no tv, cancellation of play dates) and gentle conversations/modelling about respectful communication are doing nothing to stop the escalation of it as she gets older.

I’d carry on with the birthday but I’d let her suffer the consequences of being late to school. Just walk out and leave her with a key and bus money and make her get herself there. Tell her if she’s not ready when you want to go you’re leaving

Cancel dinner, hold back MacBook. She's already vile how much worse can it get. Don't wake her just crack on with younger child. Don't engage, argue with her. Stay calm and detached. If you get a sullen apology don't fold but accept.

Personally I'd also remove the phone, she'll manage without. Please address this now before GCSEs and revision loom.

I wouldn't cancel her party or her birthday presents.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters.

You say yourself you've created this situation so it's time to start putting it right. I'd have a sit down, strict conversation, about expectations going forward. Set boundaries and stick to them. Take away luxuries and comforts (internet?). If she isn't ready for school on time.

Make her start showering the night before. Switch the hot water off if she won't and leaves it until right before you have to leave. She will soon want to start doing it the night before!

For those saying don't cancel birthday why? Social embarrassment, everyone gets over that.

I don’t usually spend so much but she needs a new laptop for school. I use them for work and mine is 6 years old and going strong. The dinner thing will be her first social outing in months. She barely left the house during the holidays, so threats of grounding, withholding pocket money etc doesn’t seem to bother her.

We live rurally, so it’s a six mile walk across fields to get to school. I took the youngest to school this morning and left DD to get ready but when I came back she still hadn’t showered. This was apparently my fault as I hadn’t given her clear instructions. She is currently up in her room and I’m about to start work.

She’s a teenager pushing boundaries. She needs to know that you love her no matter what, so definitely don’t cancel birthday plans.

But after that, you need to talk to her. Better bedtime routines, better mornings. What will help her get up? Take in a cup of tea? Tell her that you and DD2 aren’t going to continue to be made late by her. You will be leaving on time and if she isn’t ready, she’ll have to get herself go school. And you will be contacting school to make sure that she’s there. Does she think she might be depressed? Is there something she would like to talk to a doctor or counsellor about? You aren’t her enemy or police officer. You are there to help her.

Honestly, I’m not really in a position to talk as I shout too. I start off calm but after being ignored for hours, I eventually resort to shouting. Often I cry.

Totally agree.

Reward kind and helpful behaviour.
Don't reward this sort of behaviour at all. I would personally cancel the lot. If she asks, tell her the truth. Also ask her what she would think of you if you behaved like her.

She's old enough now to understand that there are consequences in life to behaviour, kindness, helpfulness and so on.

Agree with this. She's old enough to experience consequences. She's choosing to make YOUR life a daily misery, so what's to celebrate?

No one is entitled to a great birthday event and costly gifts merely for existing.

Grey rock for a while and see if she shapes up. Stop begging her.

Cancel the dinner give her a small present and a cake at home. She can earn her MacBook air: make calendar and give her stars for every day she gets up and sorts herself out in time.... small kid like behaviour warrants small kid treatment, she needs to be educated the way she should have years ago. You are still in time, you have a few years before she leaves your house and goes and burdens society with her entitlement. She will thank you one day.

I don't think she would easily forgive you for cancelling her birthday, it is the kind of think people hold on to long into adulthood. It would also be done out of desperation on your part rather than a rational way to deal with her behaviour.

The best way to manage this is to focus on natural consequences, speak to her about the issues and ask her what she thinks you can both do to address them. Tell her for example that she needs to go to school on time, that perhaps she should do her hair the night before and if she makes herself late you will have to take the straighteners away as they seem to be causing the issues in the morning.

I would also try looking in to why she is having trouble getting up. Is she getting to bed at a reasonable time without distractions like her phone, TV etc. A natural consequence of not getting up on time due to staying up late on her phone would be a phone curfew.

It isn't always just being a lazy/distracted teenager though, depression can have a major impact on wanted to get up and do things. If you suspect this you need to get it investigated.

I know people here are quick to jump to suggesting some kind of medical condition, however I had the same issues for most of my life and could never understand why some things were so much harder for me than for most other people. Turns out I have ADHD, which is very much under diagnosed in girls/women. The knowledge of my condition, plus the option of medication has made a huge difference to me and made life a lot easier and less of a struggle. Undiagnosed ADHD can lead to depression as well.

Talking to her and getting her on board with this is going to make it easier for you than punishment, especially as you feel you have let things slide in the past, it will be difficult to totally change and clamp down now.

Good luck, I hope she enjoys her birthday.