To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

You acknowledge in your post that you’ve spoilt your children… and yet you think a MacBook Air is a reasonable gift for 14-year old? An ungrateful, defiant one at that.
if you must buy her a laptop for school, I wouldn’t be buying one that costs well over a grand.

First, OP, well done on managing a job, a household, and two children, all on your own. You should give yourself credit for doing something so very difficult.

In my view, the birthday is not the time to start doing this. Especially after what you have said about her needing the laptop for school work and her not socialising much. It would be a very harsh and sudden consequence for long running behaviour which she hasn’t been given sufficient time to correct for.

If I were you, I’d try to have a calm chat with her and explain that you love her, are worried about her and you want to help her, but she needs to pull her socks up. She needs to tell you if something else is going on, which is making the morning so difficult. But that whatever it is, while you will support her to get through it, the conduct is unacceptable (as is any other behaviour you consider unacceptable.) To that end, you will still be celebrating her birthday as planned, but going forwards there will be consequences for poor behaviour. Be clear what the boundaries are and be clear as to the consequences. And then you have to follow through and do so consistently.

Best of luck OP. You’ve got this!

This!

Please do not cancel it, as it sounds like she really needs this.

She is a typical moody teenager dealing with unhappiness/depression on top.
She needs something positive in her life.

If she had depression then cancelling the one thing she’s looking forward to is cruel.

We would never suggest that for an adult, so I don’t know why posters think that a teens MH isn’t as important.

Do the birthday as planned and make her feel really special and loved.

Then after her birthday talk about how she’s older now and that you’re going to let her set her own alarm and wake herself up but she needs to be on time.

Pick your battles.
If there is other issues going on then just focus on her getting up on time and as PPs have said, if she is late then tell her she’ll have to get a taxi but pay for it out of her own money or if you’re not in a rush take your other DD to school and come back for her and she can explain why she is late and get a detention because of it.

Not the point but even if I washed my hair half an hour before bed, it'd still need washed the next morning

Love this .

Give her the present but cancel the dinner out? That way she gets something.

Honestly pick your battles. I'd go in once and if I got screamed at, I'd walk off and leave her behind. She can find her own way to school. If she can't and misses it and gets in trouble we'll she should have got up then

I absolutely would not use a birthday to enforce boundaries, that's cruel in my opinion.

I would however, commit to slowly working on my own parenting and adding in boundaries that are adhered to. Taking away a birthday is not going to help with everyday behaviour. Children are short sighted, they are not going to behave for a whole year in the fear of not having a birthday the following year. They are however, likely to give you hell!

it's hard work this parenting malark, don't beat yourself up about it, just strive to add in little changes at a time. Things are more likely to then stick.

Start fresh on her birthday. Have the meal and celebrations as promised; make no demands and have a nice day.
Then get some parenting support and start repairing and rebuilding your relationship with your children. You've much work to do.

Don't cancel her birthday. Social embarrassment is not something everyone gets over and could easily escalate her behaviour.

Once the birthday is over, give her a set of boundaries and expectations that are now in place and the consequences for not sticking to them.

You need to think about what consequences you are willing to enforce, there's no point without follow through.

It'll be shit for a while but will get better once she sees her actions have consequence and you're willing to follow through.

I would never have DREAMED of telling my mum to get out of my room, because she would have ripped me a brand new arsehole.

Personally no I would not start now for her birthday but the day after.

When you say something, MEAN IT. She NEEDS boundaries and you have created wibbly ones. Whats the point of threatening something if she knows your talking out your arse?

Big hugs, because teenagers can be completely self involved tossers. I agree with above - set the time to leave. If she isnt ready to go, then leavge without her.

It should have been a long time ago, but better now than not at all. The MacBook Air can be a Christmas present if this behaviour stops and the improvement lasts for the next three months.

I would do the same.

I wouldn't cancel her birthday especially as the going out for dinner will be a positive social outing for her and she needs the laptop for school. I would have a calm talk, maybe at the weekend, let her know you don't like shouting/crying/being cross and it can't be nice for her either. Ask what you can BOTH do to help things run more smoothly in the mornings and see if she can come up with some options that will help. Also emphasise that is is HER life and she is 14 now so it is her responsibility to get ready. Maybe say she can't do morning showers if that is a sticking point but suggest you will help straighten her hair if she does them in the evenings? Or you'll help her run over her hair with the straighteners in the mornings? I'd also ask if she would rather just do it all herself with no input like she's an adult.

It sounds like she's pushing you for a reaction for whatever reason (feeling shit herself so wants to externalise that by making you feel the same? Enjoys the power struggle as it is attention albeit negative?) so if you can give her a different reaction than she's used to by remaining calm (or appearing to!), you may find she gives a different response. This sometimes helps with my rather emotional DS. I also find that sometimes we'll talk and I feel like NOTHING has helped or sunk in but a few days later, after sitting with it, he will mention something or it will improve. It's like it takes a while to click.

This book might help: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/B002SQ2ZXE/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2UHDM0TS7SAD4&keywords=How+to+Talk+So+Teens+Will+Listen+and+Listen+So+Teens+Will+Talk&qid=1694599021&sprefix=how+to+talk+so+teens+will+listen+and+listen+so+teens+will+talk%2Caps%2C250&sr=8-1

If you live that far from school, is she not entitled to free school transport/bus? What do school do about the persistent lateness?

Wow- a MacBook Air is a massive present. Will she take it to school? Has she a good track record for looking after her things?

I would continue with the meal out, but hold the laptop back. A small gift and the Max should be earned. You have one as you work, your dd is currently not at school. So such extravagance is hardly needed.

I would let the birthday go ahead but I would sit down with her afterwards and set up a series of rules she needs to follow. If she doesn’t there will be consequences and she needs to understand that.

I’ve banned morning showers , showers have to be taken before 10pm. I just couldn’t deal with the faffing in the morning. If DD is consistently late then she has her phone taken off her and if it keeps happening then the phone is taken for longer.

DD has dyspraxia so these things are harder so I need to keep the reminders up but there has to be consequences or it just won’t happen

She just sounds spoilt tbh.

A13year old screaming at you to get out? She'd be lucky to see 14 never mind celebrate it.

I have to say that your daughter’s behaviour does sound like a form of depression, particularly when you say she doesn’t like school. It would be humiliating for her if you cancelled the dinner so I’d go ahead with that and the present, but afterwards have a long talk with her. I also agree that you should inform the school if she continues to be late, but don’t cancel the party. The loss of face with her friends could make things worse. You can start enforcing boundaries after the party

It sounds hard, OP.

I don't think I'd 'cancel' a celebration or acknowledgment of a birthday as a punishment - particularly a dinner or party scenario where this affects others and creates embarrassment and a sense of public shaming that isn't going to help matters.

Thre'd be no Macbook Air though, but frankly there wouldn't be one in the first place. There is no way she 'needs' that for school and any number of much cheaper and less prestige chromebooks or laptops will easily do what she needs for her schoolwork and then some. I wouldn't agree to any more high end prestige purchases at all unless her behaviours change or she is reaching milestones set by you with that behaviour, there isn't any need.

Get her an alarm clock for her birthday, dinner out and no MacBook. She needs to earn respect first.
I've not got my daughters up since they were 11 and have never had screaming. They are ready and we leave on time every day. I'm not saying I've got perfect kids but they understand that something like a Mac book can't be bought if I can't work if they don't do their part by being ready I can't work

Give her the MacBook, but tell her the meal has been cancelled. The day after her birthday, change the Wi-Fi password and tell her she can only use the internet for a couple of hours a day for homework. But follow through,otherwise you are giving her permission to walk all over you.

No it's too late to cancel it. Would be rude to the folk invited. And I agree crack down afterwards.

No advice sorry, I could near enough have written this post myself today. You really have my sympathy. Sometimes it can all feel so relentless and thankless. I am exhausted.

I think that you are probably right to cancel her birthday present. Maybe tell her that you bought her it but that it will be put to one side until you see a marked consistent improvement.

I would NOT get her a macbook air. Get her a cheap chromebook to use and say she can use that for school until her behaviour improves. It sounds like you have enabled her with this behaviour. As hard as it is, you need to give her tough love and rules of the house. My dd will ask to shower in the morning sometimes and I am like NO WAY bc it will never get done. Kids should not expect the latest and most expensive technology....even if you can afford it. DD was irresponsible about something, so when it came time for her to get a phone, I gave her my old cracked iphone to use and said she would get an updated one in the future when I see she can be more responsible. Heck, we have an extra iphone already that my husband finished with because he got a new one but we aren't giving it to her. She accepts the cracked iphone (its just used for necessity when traveling and to make plans w friends). I do not get why kids these days just get everything they want or super expensive gifts for bdays and xmas. I understand if they have had excellent behaviour, but it sounds like your dd needs a real wake up call.

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind sometimes. She’s not going to wake up at 18 and suddenly act like an adult. At the moment there are no consequences to her shitty actions.

Go in once to make sure she’s awake and then that’s it. You get on with your day. If she’s not ready when you go then she either has to get a taxi/public transport and it comes out of her pocket money or she walks or she misses school and gets in trouble. Or take away the hair straighteners.

If you’ve threatened no birthday tomorrow then I’d follow through.