To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

Is she more reasonable later in the day?
One of the strategies I tried with ultra-stroppy dd was to make a habit of sitting together after dinner with a cuppa or whatever and talk about what she had on the next day - what time she thought she should get up, what she was doing after school etc. The trick was we recorded the conversation on my phone.
So when she said she wanted to be up at X o'clock to wash her hair etc, and when I heard her alarm go off, I put my arm into her room and played the recording. So the only person she could get pissed off with was herself.
It worked...for a while. And 'for a while' is sometimes the best you can get with teenagers. Their maturity is a moveable feast.
(My dd now gets herself up at 4am if she's on an early shift, she got there eventually!)

If it is a 6 mile walk then she is eligible for transport.

I wouldn't cancel the birthday party, because that is a very tough time to start the crackdown, but the hairstraighteners would probably be disappearing soon. I genuinely still remember one of my birthday parties being cancelled when I was about five because of too much snow and that wasn't anyone's decision!

Don't cancel her party or birthday. That would be a very reactionary thing to do and cruel. It sounds like you are taking your frustrations at being a single mother out on her and the fact that your ex gets an easier ride. But your daughter is still young and didn't ask to be put in that situation either.

It's not fair to label her as spoilt when she is a product of her upbringing.

I think that you are trying to micromanage her too much. No wonder she is grumpy when you keep going in her room at 6:30am when she's tired. She simply needs to know what time you are leaving and she needs to have access to a bus timetable for if she's too late for a lift in. She simply needs to grow up and learn these things for herself.

I would sit down with her and talk to her about her behaviour and devise a list of sensible rules with her. Get her to suggest some herself. She's much more likely to follow them if she has had an input. Then write them down and pin them up so that you all are aware of them and more likely to be consistent.

Cancel the dinner, buy her a proper alarm clock... make sure she has the instructions. If she dkesnt get to school that is her responsibility. You dont wait for her.. make sure she knows what time you are leaving the house and go.
If she wants treated like a grown up she has to accept some of the responsibilities of being a grown up and getting up, washed and out in the morning is just the beginning.
The macbook can be on hold until her behaviour and attitude improve.
And the screaming at you has to stop. Now.

Nothing you have said is surprisingly bad, spoilt or unusual.

She 'screams' at OP and is deliberately disobedient.

No way in hell would I be throwing her a party. She can have the laptop when she can behave.

So you admit you've spoilt her but rather than reflecting and changing your approach, you're just going to punish her instead? Cancelling her birthday last minute would be so cruel, she'd struggle to look her friends in the eye after a humiliation like that.

It's really difficult with her depending on a lift to school

Because the natural consequence would be that she is late or she misses school and gets in trouble. Could she get a bus?

You need a calm chat about what is making her behave like this in the morning when you are both less heated about it. It is bloody frustrating I agree

I think she may need to miss school and you tell school she is refusing

Going against the grain here, but have you tried less control instead of more control? Syop
micro managing her at every step.

tell her you will no longer wake her up, she needs to get herself up and ready for school. If you drive her, tell her the departure time you will leave and stick to that. Without shouting or too much reminding. Maybe tell her 20 minutes before you leave that there’s 10 minutes left.

you really need to step back massively

she will be late or even miss school. She will have to deal with those consequences herself.

I did this with my teens and saved soooo much stress.

obviously, if she is constantly late and misses lessons you might not be inclined to take her out for a big fancy dinner

but really, step back. Stop micromanaging her. It’s bad for her (she needs to grow up) and bad for you (as you can’t really control another human being to the extent you want to)

so ver clear firm boundaries whilst also stepping back of my advice

cut the drama

Speaking as someone who was a shitty 14 year old (with undiagnosed depression and anxiety - not an excuse but therapy would have definitely helped my shitty behaviour which sound similar to your daughters) I wouldn’t cancel birthday as other people have said it will increase resentment rather than actually make her reflect on her behaviours that caused the cancellation.

is there anyone who can mediate a conversation? Sounds daft, but my mum enlisted my aunt for hard conversations and it would stop us both escalating to shouting and tears.

also, i know it must be hard. My mum and I now share a very good relationship and she is my rock and I am now a well adjusted 32 year old so I hope and think your daughter is not spoilt for life. She needs some responsibility and if you worry about underlying depression, some support for that and support for yourself.

I would go ahead with the birthday plans BUT the day after I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. She won't know what hit her and there will be more meltdowns etc etc and she gets used to you changing, if you are consistent she will have no choice but to change too. I do feel like she sounds very isolated and doesn't go out much which is not right for a 14 year old girl. She sounds angry, sad, and frustrated and she takes it out on you. let her be late, tell the school she won't get up, don't cover for her. The school was massively helpful when my daughter went through this phase. She has come out the other end now though and cringes at the way she used to act but it turned out she was more angry at herself than me. She did some counselling and self esteem classes and it really helped. I had to change too though. I had to raise my boundaries and let her take the flak for greasy hair and being late for school. It's very very hard when you are in this whirlwind but when you get to the bottom of it and she begins to see her behaviour cannot control you anymore, then she loses her power.

I wouldn’t cancel her birthday at the last minute. She can legitimately say that she wasn’t properly warned. However, I would say that she had better behave impeccably on the day, or you will be leaving the restaurant early, regardless of how embarrassed she is.

However, from now on, I would have strict enforced sanctions for bad behaviour. If she doesn’t get up for school, she can walk two hours and arrive late, or choose to not go. Let the school know and let it be marked down as unauthorised lateness or absence, and let the school sanction her for that.

For other rudeness and misbehaviour, loss of screens and money works best for teens. Don’t use the nuclear option all at once, though, and let her earn these things back. Work with the school on this; ask to meet the pastoral team.

Finally, don’t beat yourself up about how you have parented in the past. That helps no one. If you change and have a clear set of expectations which gains praise of met and sanctions if not, she will most likely change. It may take a while, but not as long as you think it might.

And don’t worry about what she might think of you. You are her parent, not her friend (and she will ultimately respect and like you more, anyway).

Also - from a purely time saving view because ew straighteners - could you look into heatless curling methods for her. Looking good for school is important for a teenager. Maybe something as simple as plaits or something like those satin rolls might make her feel more “ready” for school whilst saving time.
agree with PP about less micromanaging and control and more setting and keeping boundaries. Obviously helping her by looking at time saving exercises but giving her the options and leaving her to it.

Cancelling her birthday is punitive, and perhaps a little cruel. The natural consequence of not getting ready on time is being left behind and getting in trouble with school (or work). The natural consequence of shouting (I think) is people being unwilling to respond to your demands until you can communicate respectfully. There may also be a punishment, but this needs to be proportionate. I might say I'm not going to provide lifts anywhere apart from school for one week (or whatever, I'm not sure what impact this would have on your DD and if you would feel it too much/not enough).

In a nutshell, you need clearly communicated and consistent boundaries around behaviour. What is bad behaviour in your house? What are the consequences for bad behaviour in your house? Does everyone know these consequences? Are they always enforced?

Personally, I would go ahead with the meal. Cancelling the meal might impact on her friendship group and social standing. I think it might be humiliating for her and I try to parent without humiliation. I might explain that I am not prepared to give her the laptop but I would tell her the conditions upon which I would be prepared to give it to her (my behavioural expectations) and what would happen if they weren't met or if she displayed further bad behaviour after gifting (this might not be laptop related though).

It sounds like - and I do not mean for this to be unkind, that your parenting has been unpredictable and confusing and I can understand why this has happened. Explain your concerns to all your DC and what you are going to do about it. If they are old enough, you can all sit down and discuss it. Your children can make suggestions about reasonable behaviour and consequences - as of course can you. Then have a little think about it, decide what you think is fair and tell them. It's not too late to decide you want things to change.

give her an alarm clock for her birthday & leave her to it in the mornings.

You can give up the relentless battle you know - start with the mornings.

She is old enough to get up and get herself ready for school. Let her know "I can give you a lift if you are in the car by XX time". If she isn't ready when you are leaving you need to go and let her sort herself out. As difficult as it is don't try and harrange her or manage her mornings. She needs to start taking responsibilty and part of that is being responsible for the consequences.

My 2 manage very well even the flakey ditsy unorganised Y8/12yo can get up, get herself ready and out the door in time. We did write a "list" together that she does the night before to make sure uniform/books etc are prepped the night before to avoid drama in the morning. Putting down these strong boundaries have really helped her & our relationship imporves as she becomes more independent and I aren't micro managing with all the blame that can go with that.

Presumably the school will scanction her if she is late/ill prepared and she will hopefully get her shit together.

Maybe MacBook for Xmas if things improve. I'd probably still do the dinner.

I'm full of admiration for single parents. It must be so incredibly stressful.
Don't beat yourself up over what's past, OP. Today is the start of a new era. I wouldn't cancel the birthday dinner as, from what you've written, that would most likely result in a huge argument. Explain that you'll give her the Mac in a couple of days and give her a much less expensive present right now so she'll have a birthday surprise. But the next day, take her out on to neutral territory and calmly explain that things are going to change. Now she is 14, she is going to treat you with respect or there will be consequences. There is no need to tell her what these consequences will be. You will give her the Mac after she has shown you that she deserves it - and that will be in 2 weeks time. There will be no more screaming at you, no rudeness or the Mac will be returned to the shop.
Don't look for reasons why your daughter has behaved so appallingly. It's just not acceptable. The only person here likely to be suffering from depression is you - because she is making your life so difficult.
You are her mother and deserve to be treated politely. End of.
And stick firmly to your guns. When she sees there are firm but loving boundaries, she'll feel more secure and you will be able to feel less stressed.

I wouldn't cancel the birthday plans. She'll remember that for the rest of her life - how you embarrassed her in front of her friends and ruined a special day that was meant to be happy. It's very unlikely to have the desired effect, either, it'll just make her more unhappy and resentful.

The behaviour isn't acceptable but this isn't the way to deal with it.

Lots of teenagers aren't at their best in the morning. One of mine was definitely developing a grumpy attitude to getting up. I decided killing with kindness was the way to go so I'd go in to the bedroom all smiles with a mug of hot chocolate and some toast. First morning got a confused grunt but by the end of the week we were having some toast together and a friendly chat before we proceeded with our day.

It is bloody hard to paint that smile on and go in all sunshine but it did work for me.

Good luck whatever you decide.

You’re really dealing with school refusal. Birthday aside, I think you need to get to the bottom of why she’s avoiding it. Is she being bullied? Is she unhappy? What is her confidence like generally given that she doesn’t go out? Does she have worries about her appearance - acne, overweight etc?

Is there any long term option to move areas and try a different school?

Sorry. '*You'll give her the Mac later'.

I don't think she deserves the dinner, but reluctantly agree that cancelling it would be too much. So she gets the dinner, but the MacBook would be returned for a refund.

Then house rules and consequences, including some natural consequences if she is late for school etc. And a massive rest for you and the indulging parenting.

If you really think she has depression then GP is the next step.

Also, please bin the straighteners - they are really nasty on young hair and sound like a distraction for her.

Take yourself out of the morning routine equation, @Bumbleumbo . Having battled for years (so unnecessarily stressful isn't it), solution is a loud alarm at the pre agreed exit time. If the alarm goes off when DS house side of the door, no TV or games today. Immediate crystal clear consequence. No excuses whatsoever...full responsibility on him and, quelle suprise, he manages it fine.

And I'd swap the MacBook for a second hand laptop, plus a can of Batiste (joke) until she gets herself in order.

You mention you've not been great at boundaries etc, and I do think YABU to use the birthday to punish her - tempting as that might be.

But birthday = new year = new start.
So buy her that alarm clock, get her to write a list of what she need to do to get ready for school, and then step away and let her get on with it.

I’d keep the dinner so as not to let down her friends and to make sure she knows your happy to celebrate.
keep hold of the laptop and tell her she’ll receive it when her behaviour improves.

I would maybe chat to the school about the issues getting her there on time, then I would leave her home if she missed the “bus” I.e your lift! I assume if she had absence she’ll get detention?! Let her get detention.

No mac book until she can get up wihtout arguments and is on time for say 2 weeks.

I think if you have told her birthday will be cancelled then you have to follow through. I'd say though if she can be on time for 4 weeks you will reschedule and do it then.

Wifi and devices are a big thing in our house so now for every 5 mins they are late they have 10mins of electronics time taken away. Iv also cut weekday electronics to 2 hours a day after school