To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

Further back I also had vinyls, and cassette tapes that easily broke. Now Spotify on my phone is all I need.

OP What did you end up doing today in the end?

Wondering If she could be autistic or possibly ADHD?

My thoughts are that maybe say you are postponing your daughter's Birthday for a while and that if she starts to behave nicely then you will rearrange for when you feel she is making an effort. Not easy, but better to put off rather than cancelling altogether. Good luck

I came to say the same thing! Sound like typical time blindness consistent with adhd. The lack of organisation is also characteristic. such a misunderstood condition, especially in females.

Some consequences are logical, some are excessive.

If you persistently get up late, and angrily refuse reminders from your mother, then a logical consequence is surely that your mother should cease to act as a human alarm clock, and this may, for example, mean a more tiring bus journey to school and a detention for unpunctuality.

Having your birthday party cancelled at the last minute is only IMO an appropriate consequence for very specific types of misbehaviour - e.g. using the party to bully and exclude others.

I think that cancelling a present would be less extreme than cancelling a party at the last minute (and the Macbook is a pretty OTT present anyway); but either may just teach the lesson 'don't act up just before your birthday or Christmas, but any other time is OK'.

Don't.

That is the sort of thing that will cause resentment for life.

Punish her a different way but don't take away her birthday. She will never forgive you and you will irreparably damage your relationship.

Don’t cancel the party as the fallout isn’t worth it.
Set your boundaries for afterwards and stick to them. Be firm, yet fair.

I think it’s great you’ve recognised she has some kind of need that isn’t being fulfilled (ie depression) - every negative behaviour comes from some kind of negative mental health. Your children aren’t entitled, they just don’t know the boundaries which makes them feel uncertain and more likely to be aggressive (fight), tell you to leave them alone (flight) or ‘lazy’ (freeze)z there is always something you can do and it’s never to late to have those discussions.

have you tried changing your language from accusational to self-respectful? For example, rather than ‘you are making us late, hurry up, you’re taking too long’, to ‘I need you to hurry or I will be late for work. I can’t allow that, so I will be leaving in 30 minutes. If you are not ready, you will have to make your own way :)’

you’re on her side and teaching her to set boundaries for herself that way.

Ask your local authority for a parenting course, teen triple p or similar.

If she's not used to clear boundaries and consequences, it's not really fair to start in her birthday and embarrass her in front of friends.

Start the next day by trying to open a conversation. "I hate it when we fight and have conflict and worry you seem sad. I know it can't be much fun to have me shouting at you, so let's work out some things we can both do to make life calmer happier."

She needs to learn to take responsibility for the consequences of her own behaviour and she won't do that with an ipad ban.

She sounds like my autistic 14 year old. Not at all suggesting OPs child is autistic. I find it tricky to know what is ‘normal 14 year old behaviour’ as my other child is younger. They are polar opposites. My teen cannot get out of bed easily ever. She’s always tired. She does not stay up all night watching things or using the internet or phone. Her devices are charged downstairs and I’ve often found her fast asleep at 9pm and still not able to get up. Some nights however I walk past her room and she’s still awake, just lying there staring into space. She uses her Alexa to play asmr type things or quiet soothing music at the most.

She showers though at night. That’s a big struggle for us to achieve though as she has sensory issues around personal care. So we don’t even have that reason for being late on a morning. She’s never actually been late though but panics massively at the thought of being late and getting into trouble. She has emotional outbursts often if she’s had a particularly bad day. It often comes out as her shouting or arguing with me but ends up turning into what’s actually bothering her. I tend to leave her on her room whilst she’s having outbursts and will speak with her once she’s calm. I’ll check on her though and sometimes take her a drink without saying anything or offer her a cuddle.

As for the tech. They don’t need a MacBook Air for school. Our school asks parents to buy into a Chromebook scheme and any work that needs a computer can be done on that. I do have a MacBook myself and agree it’s a good machine but definitely not something I’d be getting the teen.

I think one of the main issues OP mentioned is she herself ends up shouting and screaming. I think OP needs to address this as she is modelling to her daughter what appears to be acceptable. I have to be really careful not to scream as I often do, but I have to try hard to breath, calm down and walk away or just speak on a calm voice and say we will continue the conversation when everyone is calm.

It’s hard to say if it’s depression or general teen, and for girls hormonal, moods. Definitely worth talking to school’s pastoral support as they can also often refer for counselling as well as the GP. It’s also worth keeping a note for yourself if when these outbursts happen and what has happened before them which could be a possible trigger - certain lessons at school the day before, meals (missed?), etc. This can help build a picture for professionals if you get them involved.

Personally I’m not sure I could cancel the birthday plans. But I’d be careful about making any more plans for treats in the future.

Does she have a bike? 6 miles is nothing on a bike. Otherwise it’s less than 2 hours walk. All teenagers have ‘low lying depression’ it’s natural. Stop pandering to her.

I think this is a good solution, OP. It sounds as if she’s been isolating herself socially and she needs to be encouraged to meet up with her friends. It’s good that she’s meeting up with them for her birthday and this should be encouraged. (My DD2 (11) sounds similar, and she’s just been diagnosed with anxiety.)

As others have said, it could be very damaging to your relationship with her long-term to cancel her birthday celebration. It would also be humiliating for her in front of her friends, is this really what you want to achieve?

OTOH, I think it would be a very appropriate consequence for her to have to improve her behaviour before you give her the laptop. It’s a very expensive present after all.

Macbook air at aged 15?

for school work?

get a grip. No wonder she’s a spoilt brat

hope you got her an alarm clock, and held back on the super-expensive laptop, and didn't cancel the birthday dinner... hanging out with her and a group of her friends represents an excellent opportunity to understand more about what's going on for her/ why she says she 'hates' school, and what her friends think/ how they get themselves to school on time/ how their parents deal with them etc.

why are you taking her to school at all?
why can't she use the free transport (as you live far enough from the school to qualify for it)
does she have a bike? any chance she'd prefer to use that and be even more independent?
i'd be tempted to get her a bike if she doesn't already have one, and book some cycle training for her. and tell her that you're going to start saving up towards driving lessons for her 17th birthday...

Yabvu to even consider a MacBook Air for a 14 year old.
if she needs a laptop for school you can get something much cheaper than that.
You are also BU to consider cancelling her birthday outing.
Whilst you need to start settling more consistent boundaries, her actual birthday is the worst time you could choose to start!

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Your awareness is the first step to change. Tell her that you’ve chosen not to cancel her birthday dinner (and don’t make threats of consequences again that you’re not willing to follow through with). It sounds like you think it would be beneficial for her to see her friends. Personally I would hold back on giving the present (even if just for a few days) and make her earn it by improving her behavior. Tell her exactly what she needs to do differently. I would tell her you’ve let her down by not enforcing boundaries and you’ve done her a disservice. Own it. Then talk together about what each of you can do differently to get better results. She def needs life’s natural consequences to help her learn. Do less thinking for her and let her manage her own responsibilities (eg getting herself up and ready for school). It’s her problem if it takes her 2 hrs to walk to school bc she isn’t ready. Be firm and calm, be specific and don’t cry - you need to take care of your own emotions - that’s not really her responsibility. Good luck!

I have two teen DDs and I feel your pain. Mornings were awful … like you I was calling them every ten minutes. In vain. And then I just stopped. I bought them an alarm clock each and showed them how to set it … they’re old enough to get themselves out of bed. If they’re late, miss school etc that’s on them. They’re used to it now … I just get ready for work and leave them to it. I’d suggest a parenting course … I’ve done two. You can attend them online. It was worth it to learn about setting boundaries, consequences etc .. it’s definitely helped me feel more confident in my dealings with them. Being a single parent is exhausting! We do a double shift every day. I’d be inclined to have a simple birthday cake for your daughter and hold off on the gifts and dinner until you’ve seen a marked behavioural improvement.

So sorry you're struggling. My only advice is if you ever threaten you'll do/do not do something then you have to carry it out. My boys learned that at a young age so knew imeant it. Good luck.

Exactly what I was going to write.

Firstly, her brain and emotional responses are still developing. She’s only 14. Have you found out why she hates school and socialising? Is it because she becomes too overwhelmed with the social expectations and day to day peer pressures? Anxiety can come across as defiance as well as depression. There’s always a reason for behaviour like this. It’s about picking it apart and finding out why.
I wouldn’t cancel the birthday present or the party. Instead use immediate consequences for her actions such as- no mobile phone for the day (assuming she has one), goes to bed an hour earlier with no screens.
To be a teenage girl in this day and age with all the social pressures and expectations is incredibly hard. Secondary school is a dog eat dog world too. Life is bloody hard for our young people. They don’t get to switch off because any problems they have in their school day are there when they’re home due to having access to phones and screens etc. There’s no escape.

My daughter was a sweetheart until she hit her12th birthday and she changed overnight into the biggest brat, she was still great at school and with everyone else, but for me and her dad was an absolute b!tch. I even threatened to get her adopted out!
she got to 16 and was back to her old self. We had the odd blow up but nothing like before. Now she’s 35 with 2 kids of her own and she often says she’s sorry for what she’s was putting us through, she’s even embarrassed. I think it’s all part of growing up and hormones. You can dislike the things they do but you still love them. You need to enforce boundaries and you can stop the birthday celebrations for later in the year when and if she improves.

@Bumbleumbo what time does she need to get leave? agree a time that she will get up in the morning that is realistic and make her stick to it. The extra 10 mins, 10 mins just drags on.

6.30 sounds too early