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Original poster

To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

282 replies

Bumbleumbo · 13/09/2023 09:47

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

OP posts:
Truemilk · 13/09/2023 10:14

Her birthday isn't a good starting point to start implementing some consequences. I'd start smaller than that

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 13/09/2023 10:14

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon has it right here OP. If she’s acting like a spoilt little brat she doesn’t get a birthday until she shapes up.

Though, regarding depression, have you taken her to the doctors? How are you supporting her in repairing her mental health? What steps are you taking to enforce discipline too? You’ve got a lot of underlying issues you need to solve, this will help solve the behavioural issues.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/09/2023 10:16

YukoandHiro · 13/09/2023 09:59

"DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner."

That's a lot. A lot financially and also a lot materially.

Has she always been given so much?

Also agree with this. Why did you promise her such extravagance?

Hell i think at 14, we got some cheap earrings, a couple of books and a jumper. And a cake after the normal family meal.

jeaux90 · 13/09/2023 10:16

What is her behaviour like at school?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/09/2023 10:17

Don't cancel the meal. That will just embarrass her in front of her friends and peers and she'll resent you massively for that. Especially if these are "friends" and it leads to her being teased and bullied

I agree with PP above about starting fresh after her birthday. Start just taking DD2 to school. At 14 she can easily make her own way there (why do so many secondary school kids get driven in now?)

Don't keep going into her room either, at 15 she wants her privacy. But make it clear if she doesn't want you in there then she is responsible for cleaning it. This works nicely with following her birthday and it being "now you are older..."

If she hates school and struggles to get up and you think she has depression then it all ties together tbh. Depression can make it hard to get up in the morning as can deeper issues with school, delaying getting there because of whatever issues she has. You need to get to the root of these. Perhaps ask school if the pastoral team can step in. Or is there another family member who she respects/will listen to more who she can speak to?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2023 10:19

Stop shouting too, or crying to the children. ThTs not going to help and will only make her think these things are ok. Parents crying all the time will just make her feel unsettled.

You need consequences linked to the behaviour that you are willing to follow through on. Because you’ve threatened re the birthday I’d withhold the Mac book til her behaviour improves. Let her use whatever computers are in the house for schoolwork only til then.

She can have the luxury MacBook when she’s earned it.

I’D probably do the dinner because it’s sad not to mark a birthday at all.

Going forward, consequences that might work are - getting rid of the straighteners, leaving her behind if she’s not ready, getting rid of tech that’s keeping her up at night if that’s why she’s sleeping in or enforcing a lights out time. Or a curfew on the wifi being on.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/09/2023 10:21

Also of course you need to get to the root of the problem and her depression - does she need some counselling? Is it the result of too much tech use?

Brefugee · 13/09/2023 10:21

I'd go ahead with the dinner and swap out the MacBook for my old one until she is behaving better.

You call her once in the morning, one reminder after 10 minutes then you tell her 10 minutes before you leave with the other.

Get her a 2nd hand bike to get to school with if the walk is too far.

Say it, mean it and do it. It is a sharp lesson for all of you.

Littlemissprosecco · 13/09/2023 10:23

Start by stopping spoiling her. She can have a birthday, but scale it down, explain the computer is a huge present which you don’t feel she appreciates. You could take the new one you’ve bought and give her your old one? That’s what I’ve done with my kids phones and computers. They need to learn they can’t have everything they want

ThinWomansBrain · 13/09/2023 10:24

send the macbook back, get her a bike, then she can get to school under her own steam.

Privatelyliving · 13/09/2023 10:25

I wouldn't cancel the birthday, that's the sort of thing that she'll remember for the rest of her life.

I wouldn't be having all that fuss in the mornings though. Tell her once. Make it clear what time you and DD2 will be leaving. If she misses the lift, she needs to make her own way and suffer the natural consequences. Better still have her go on the bus regularly if that's an option. Life became so much less stressful once my DC went to school by bus. They respected that deadline much more than mine!

GentrifiedLDN · 13/09/2023 10:26

OP i was a rubbish parent (single parent) - i never enforced boundaries and I created a monster
People would tell me to crack down, and i never did

The thing i didnt realise is that the person she is at 14 - is the person she is going to be - in ten years she will still be disrespecting you - if you allow this

I would crack down BUT i wouldnt use her birthday as a way to do a sudden u turn

NeedMyDress · 13/09/2023 10:27

I wouldn't choose her birthday to start implementing boundaries I think it will be something very painful for both of you which will never be forgotten.

You admit you have caused this behaviour through lazy parenting. Celebrate your daughters birthday and start properly parenting the next day.

CoQ10 · 13/09/2023 10:27

Bumbleumbo · 13/09/2023 10:12

Honestly, I’m not really in a position to talk as I shout too. I start off calm but after being ignored for hours, I eventually resort to shouting. Often I cry.

Don't beat yourself up!
Parenting is tough.
Have you read Noel Janis Nortons books? Might be worth a read. One thing she advocates (which I fail at!) is 'Never ask twice'!
But she teaches good techniques with adolescent boys and girls which might help you.
The other person I strongly recommend is Anita Cleare - her Positive Parenting techniques are helpful. Look at her website and blog.

Janiie · 13/09/2023 10:28

Bumbleumbo · 13/09/2023 10:07

I don’t usually spend so much but she needs a new laptop for school. I use them for work and mine is 6 years old and going strong. The dinner thing will be her first social outing in months. She barely left the house during the holidays, so threats of grounding, withholding pocket money etc doesn’t seem to bother her.

We live rurally, so it’s a six mile walk across fields to get to school. I took the youngest to school this morning and left DD to get ready but when I came back she still hadn’t showered. This was apparently my fault as I hadn’t given her clear instructions. She is currently up in her room and I’m about to start work.

If she has friends to have a birthday meal out wirh why didn't she leave the house in the holidays?

Is there a family member, grandparent or auntie who could talk to he see if she'll open up?

It is completely normal although obviously unpleasant for teens to be defiant, you just need to find out if there's anything else going on and be consistent with boundaries.

There must be something she would miss if withleld in return for her doing as you ask.

Lavenderflower · 13/09/2023 10:29

I wouldn't cancel the birthday dinner but I wouldn't give her the MAC book.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 13/09/2023 10:32

Obviously this needs dealing with but I think you've messed up threatening to cancel her birthday. You said yourself you've created this and it seems unfair to decide the day before her birthday that you want to try and undo it all.

Does it bother her that she's now late for school? What did school say when you called to say she'd be late because she just wasn't ready?

grenadeapple · 13/09/2023 10:33

justasking111 · 13/09/2023 10:07

For those saying don't cancel birthday why? Social embarrassment, everyone gets over that.

So many here who must have had such a shitty childhood.

Truemilk · 13/09/2023 10:33

justasking111 · 13/09/2023 10:07

For those saying don't cancel birthday why? Social embarrassment, everyone gets over that.

I wouldn't say it's because of embarrassment.

14 year olds don't tend to be the most rational thinkers, then throw possible depression into the mix you'll end up with her thinking nobody gives a shit about her if you cancel her birthday. It's like world ending stuff to someone that age going through difficult emotions.

If op has spoiled her and there hasn't been any real consequences before, she definitely needs to start a bit smaller than her birthday

PhantomUnicorn · 13/09/2023 10:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 13/09/2023 10:37

At 14 she can easily make her own way there (why do so many secondary school kids get driven in now?)

OP said they live in a rural location 6 miles from school. If it's anything like where I live then there either won't be a bus as they've all been cancelled for financial reasons or it'll be very unreliable and rarely even arrive. Walking would take her about 2 hours! Im not sure she can "easily" make her own way there

Carlessly · 13/09/2023 10:37

If she isn't in school today I'm not sure I'd be taking her out for dinner. What reason have you given school? If she's planning on telling school she is ill then you use that excuse to postpone the dinner for a week.

You could confiscate electronics - that would include the MacBook...
Does she really need one? In your OP it says she wants one. It seems like a large gift for a 14 year old. We are assured by our school that we wouldn't need to buy our children technology whatever they come home and tell us!

You could offer her the choice - MacBook or dinner with friends. Completely cancelling her birthday is probably not the way to go. However, as you threatened it, you need to come up with something comparable else she'll never take you seriously. You could keep back the MacBook for Christmas and give her something small now.

WildFlowerBees · 13/09/2023 10:37

Don't threaten things you aren't prepared to go through with. She knows you won't hold out so she has no fear of consequences.

It's a horrible age, wanting independence and annoying parents to bugger off but also needing them. Have you asked her why she struggles in the morning and both come up with a strategy to make it easier? Losing your rag won't help and just makes you feel like crap.

If she's generally disrespectful I'd do the bare minimum for her, food, clean clothes and the school run but I'd do nothing else. Let her do for herself get some independence and start contributing to the family by helping out. It's give and take.

ScooterTricks · 13/09/2023 10:39

You admit to being a ‘shitty parent’ who hasn’t given her boundaries. Her dad hasn’t been great since splitting with his GF year ms ago. Kids need their parents to parent, you’re not doing that and it’s showing in her behaviour.

Cancelling her birthday would just be more shitty parenting and won’t solve anything.

You need to change your parenting and be consistent with boundaries and rules, doing one dramatic act on an important day is not the way to go about it.

Nam3chang384 · 13/09/2023 10:39

You need to give her consequences you are prepared to enforce. That probably means thinking about it (and talking about it) at a time when you are not stressed and late. Think things through rationally and then communicate it to her calmly. She can then make her choices and you need to be prepared to enforce any consequences you have articulated to her if she misbehaves.

In answer to your question, I wouldn't be cancelling her birthday, it sounds like you have repeatedly let her get away with her behaviour with no consequences, to suddenly escalate to cancelling birthday celebrations with no warning is not reasonable.