To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

My daughter has (and was diagnosed at 14) severe clinical depression and has never been a selfish entitled brat.

Parenting is hard, but you've got to do it. Tim to start. I'd keep the present back but acknowledge the birthday, telling her she can have it once she is behaving better consistently.

I think I would probably let the birthday dinner go ahead but I'd either return the Macbook or hang on to it until Christmas.
After the birthday have a discussion about new ground rules.
If she can stick to those ground rules and be up and ready for school every day and stops screaming at you, she can have the Macbook for Christmas.

I think go ahead with the birthday as they only come once a year, but sit her down and explain to her how her behaviour is impacting you and that now she’s maturing you really expect more cooperation and support. Tell her you considered cancelling her birthday because of her behaviour but will go ahead if she can agree to try harder.

Who are the friends going to the birthday meal?

What did she do all summer?

Is the six mile walk her only option to get to school?

This has happened because you haven’t parented her. So snapping and cancelling her birthday is a dick move.

Also no she isn’t depressed, she’s just a selfish teenager

No do not cancel the birthday, carry on as planned but the day after tomorrow sit her down and tell her you both cannot carry on like this. Ask her how mornings could be better, try to get her to talk about why she’s behaving like a spoilt baby.

Maybe a six mile walk in the morning would help her to be more organised! I doubt she would do it more than once.

I wouldn’t use her birthday as a punishment, you’ve had all year to do that so why start on her birthday?

I think after her birthday talk about expectations from a 15 year old. Make rules/expectations together and stick to them (why should she stick to the rules if you make empty threats and never follow through).

It does get easier.

I would not cancel her birthday dinner. That’s her only real present isn’t it? As the laptop is necessary for school work so it’s not a gift anymore than a school uniform is a “gift” of clothing. Taking out all your anger and frustration and cancelling a birthday is the kind of thing children remember well into adulthood and will create an even wider rift between the two of you. It would be understandable if she were upset and more snarky than the usual teenage disrespect that all teens do to you for years afterwards if you did this.

I think you should not be entering her room as you please. She is 14 and should be given some privacy. You should knock and ask to come in. I don’t blame her at all for screaming at you when you just walk into her room. That is completely inappropriate at her age.

One of the red flags for depression is difficulty getting out of bed and going to work/school. That feeling of dread and despair in the pit of your stomach. I think she needs helps, not punishment for struggling with depression. It’s not a refusal to get out of bed until the last minute, it’s an illness making it difficult for her.

A six mile walk to school is utterly ridiculous. You need to sort some transportation.

Don't cancel. She will only be 15 once. Do stop waiting tor her etc though.

Oh, I didn't realise you lived in the same house as OP.

Depression isn’t the same in every person.

I would postpone the meal and present. Not cancelling but reschedule depending on behaviour. Embarrassing her in front of friends? She was obviously not embarrassed by her behaviour, actions have consequences.
She can earn it back.

But birthday = new year = new start

absolutely this!

Why does she hate school? Has something happened at school?

@YukoandHiro
Ignore her tantrums, when she starts screaming , carry on doing what your doing, walk away, it worked a treat when one of mine were young.

I would be inclined to give her the gift in the proviso that from now on she gets up on time and is ready to leave dept school and cut out the shitty behaviour without you having to tell her more than once.

Buy her an alarm clock and make it her responsibility op

Tell her you will be leaving without her if she isn't ready in the mornings and will be taking her Mac book with you each time when she isn't up and ready.

I would then tell her your informing the school of the situation and they can deal with her when she gets there.

I would also tell her that you will be turning the data and Wi-Fi connection to her phone off each time it happens until she learns to take responsibility

No shouting or arguing with her.

Just calmly tell her that's the plan and walk away.

Don't rise to anything as hard as it is and get on with what your doing.

It's going to happen and when it does you need to stick to your guns or youl never solve the issue and it will only get worse.

I also think regardless of the longevity of the laptop because kids don't care about that a Mac book is a massively overdone gift for a 15 th birthday.

It's not teaching her the value of things

…’and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner’

Yeah, me too.
But money doesn’t grow on trees, someone has to earn it.
Time for Madam to get a Saturday job, learn to save & maybe when you have confidence in her - got through the entitled teen phase - you may consider matching her funds for a big ticket item as her 16th birthday present.

Dinner for 6 hungry teens on you?
🤣

I agree with Truemilk.

But OP, you really need to step up to the plate here and try and be a better parent for yours and your daughters sake. Parenting is hard. I know over the years I've reacted in ways that I've since regretted. We can't get it rught all the time. However, it's going to much harder to expect your daughter to speak respectfully if you shout at her too. Perhaps sign up to a parenting course which will give you ideas/tools to help deal with this negative behaviour in a more helpful manner? Follow suggestions from other posters here about calling her twice in the mornings and then leaving. Let her deal with the consequences.

However I do think you need to find out why she hates school. Is she stalling in the mornings for a reason? Perhaps bullying? Struggling to fit into a friendship group? Struggling academically? Don't automatically assume depression because of her bad behaviour.

I agree with pp who say do not cancel her birthday plans . That is not a natural consequence of her behaviour and the embarrassment from having to tell her friends it’s off, will likely spark resentment and cause her to spiral into a further low mood. There is zero need to humiliate children. I used to work with teens and I seen how these things affected them and it didn’t help their behaviour or relationships with parents in the long term.

Go ahead with the dinner definitely but if you really want to withhold anything delay giving her the MacBook Air.

You’ve noticed for the past 3 years her father doesn’t help with birthdays, she will have noticed as well so consider the impact that would have had on her from around age 11. Is there anyway you can get him back on board? Partly to make your life easier but mostly to make your children feel more loved.

‘…My mum and I now share a very good relationship and she is my rock and I am now a well adjusted 32 year old …’

@Pancakepipsqueak …& what now of your magnificent Aunt?

Asking for a friend.

noone needs a macbook theres plenty of cheaper alternatives-wouldnt cancel the meal but she needs t start learning some manners

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

Then you shouldn't have arranged the party. Cancelling it when you know well that your daughter and her friends are looking for it is unreasonably cruel. Use some other occasion to enforce the boundaries if that is what is needed.

If she's 6 miles from school she should quality for school transport. You don't need to be taking her to school.

Then the onus is on her to get herself up and out on time.

Set an alarm to sound loudly the opposite side of her room each morning. And to go off every ten minutes.

Sounds like a spoilt lazy brat rather than depression. Like you said, you have created this so time to get tough and carry out the consequences. It will be tough but very much needed. Cancel the party and present and start as you you mean to carry on.