To cancel DD’s Birthday tomorrow

[Bumbleumbo]

DD turns 14 tomorrow and for her birthday she wanted a MacBook Air and for me to take her and 6 friends out for dinner.

I’m struggling with her ongoing defiant behaviour and this morning threatened to cancel her birthday and presents as I’ve had enough. Every single day is a battle, she lays in bed until the very last minute refusing to get up, dressed and out of the house. She’ll often claim to be getting ready, then at the very last minute announce that she needs to wash her hair and can’t possibly go to school without washing, drying and straightening. This takes over an hour. This morning I woke her at 6.30am knowing she needs a shower. I proceeded to call her every 10 minutes but each time I entered her room she screams at me to get out. It’s like this every single day and we’re constantly late, this makes DD2 late and impacts my working day.

I have always struggled with boundaries. I’ve been a shitty parent and have spoilt both children over the years. Ive created lazy entitled monsters. I suspect DD thinks I won’t follow through and the guilt I would feel not celebrating her birthday tomorrow will probably get the better of me.

I thing she might have low lying depression so maybe her behaviour doesn’t warrant punishment but help, although Ive tried to get her to speak to someone and open up but she says I’m crazy and she is absolutely fine. She just doesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere most of the time and she absolutely hates school.

In this situation would you use a birthday to enforce boundaries or is that a cruel step too far? Birthdays in this house have always been a big deal but I just can’t be bothered anymore. My DC’s don’t appreciate it and I’m tired of this relentless battle.

I’m a single mum and their dad hasn’t bothered with birthdays since he split with his GF 3 years ago. I’m just exhausted trying to do everything myself all of the time…

Why do parents constantly post surprised that their teenage act like... well teenagers.

Nothing you have said is surprisingly bad, spoilt or unusual. Teenagers are fatigued, they are going through the biggest growth spurt of their lives. They eat a lot, they sleep a lot and are 'Sloths' when awake. Its not a crime, strange or deserving of punishment. Its also not symptomatic of 'depression' its just natural life and hormone changes.

It would be more suitable to make her go to school with unwashed/straightened hair until she gets better at time management. She can do this by either getting up earlier, doing it the night before or do it less often (washing/straightening hair every day isn't even good for it).

I agree with other posters, go ahead with the birthday as planned but crack down on behaviour afterwards. I don’t think cancelling the birthday will help- it’s the day to day stuff which needs addressing. E.g. if she has a phone with an alarm, she gets herself up, if she’s not ready she doesn’t get a lift and it’s down to her to explain it to school (if necessary book her a taxi and pay for it out of her allowance). You set expectations on behaviour and warn her in advance, i.e. if x, y and z keep happening you will lose your phone for x days, if you want an allowance/ lifts then x, y, z. Give fair warning but then follow through TO THE LETTER. Even if it means a thoroughly miserable few weeks.

You sound exhausted and I am worried that you describe yourself as a 'shitty parent' which of course could be true but also suggests really low self-esteem. It's hard work parenting a stroppy teen at the best of times. It sounds like you could benefit from some support of some kind - maybe see a doc, talk about counselling?

I personally WOULD cancel the birthday party if my teen was being a shit. I've had to do similar with my son when he's been a little shit but he needs to know I mean it if I threaten a punishment. It HAS helped with his behaviour although obviously it's horrific when you're being screamed at/pleaded with not to go through with punishing them.

OP, I wouldn't cancel the meal with friends, that would be humiliating, and I don't feel that if you humiliate her that you can get off to a decent start with rules.

However, you said the reason she is getting a macbook air is because she needs a new laptop. Well, that might be the case, but she doesn't need a fancy one. So, I'd start there, send it back if you can, and give her your old one.

Like others have said, I'd also use the birthday to have a "now you're older" conversation. Giving her privacy could be one, no going into her room unless she invites you. Getting up in a morning, too, let that be her responsibility. Likewise showering. She'll soon not appreciate the effects of not doing that. What about pocket money, could you change that to a monthly allowance, up it a bit, and give her more responsibility for things.

Don't bail her out either, so if she spends her money, and runs out, say to her that her budget has enough, and not give in.

But if she has depression trying to work that out perhaps needs external help, so keep trying with that.

YABVU

You definitely need to start putting in more rules and consequences but do not start on her birthday as that’s not fair.

You cannot go from one extreme to the other.

If she has some depression/low mood then her birthday treat could be exactly what she needs.

Obviously the fact that you shout isn’t great as you’ll just end up hurting heads.
But could you speak to her about washing her hair the night before?

What time is she going bed?

After her birthday I would tell her that she needs to start getting up earlier and get her a cheap alarm clock and put it on the other side of her room.

Tell her if she cannot get up on time then she will need to go to bed earlier and keep her phone downstairs if it’s the use of screens affecting her sleep.

I would let her enjoy her birthday and THEN crack down. Just leave without her, let her be late for school etc. But no, I wouldn't cancel her birthday. She won't forget that

It’s hard as different kids can be differing levels of stubborn. Mine are much younger but even now I don’t tolerate being shouted at. If they scream and shout then they simply get told to take some time to calm down and then we will discuss it & then I don’t engage. If they don’t get ready they don’t get to go to their usual after school activity. With tech they have limited times they can use it and those are only after they’ve done the things they need to do. I sometimes lose my shit about something they’ve done and yell but I try really really hard not to as on the whole what’s always worked best is just calmly stating this is what needs to happen and if it doesn’t this will be the consequences. It helps if the consequences are directly linked (so don’t get up -> can’t get a shower before school and then have to shower that evening ready for next day or don’t get up and ready for school -> no lift and money intended for something for her specifically to get a taxi into school once ready).

I also agree that you need to try as hard as you can to stay calm and not get too emotional (probably shouldn’t be the case but if you’re crying then I think largely the opportunity to increase respect has gone), and also agree that if you genuinely think she’s depressed you need to take her to the dr and speak to school, rather than just having this as a lingering excuse for bad behaviour.

If they live 6miles away I thought they were legally entitled to transport be it a school bus or whatever if there is isn't any public transport?

Mind, it will probably pick up locally a good half hour before the op leaves the house so perhaps the dd refuses in which case I wouldn't give her the option.

I would cancel it to teach her a serious lesson, otherwise she will just carry on with the same behaviour. If you stick to your guns, maybe she will take it seriously.

The question you have to ask is - will the consequence change the behaviour?

Will cancelling her birthday party improve her day to day behaviour? Or is it just something to punish her with as a poor/lazy parent to make you feel like you're in control?

Canceling her birthday IMO will nor improve her behaviour in any way - it may even make it worse by making her more resentful, more bitter, more disrespectful of you - and remember, you were the one over many years who set her up to behave this way in the first place.

Now you have to accept that it's going to take time to undo it all and is not going to be fixed in any way by a knee jerk punishment.

I think instead you need to get to the crux of the matter and really work on why she hates school and how you can help and support her with that - that is what she needs right now. Not punishing, not expensive presents but solutions to being very unhappy. Is she struggling with the work, is she struggling with friendships, would she like to move schools, does she need help with SEN, what does she want to do when she finishes school?

You also need to start making her more and more independent so she doesn't see you as being responsible for instructing her in having a shower. Get her doing her own laundry, making her own lunch and generally doing things for herself that have their own natural consequences - if she doesn't wash her clothes she won't have them when she wants them. If she doesn't make lunch then she won't have any. Don't do it as a punishment though, present it as learning independence now that she is getting older and do it a little step at a time.

It sounds like there's a lot going on and things troubling your DD as well as potentially depression.

Don't cancel her birthday, I think that would be really cruel. Sounds like she needs the chance to get out. Try and use it to connect with her. Then come up with a plan together going forwards. You can have boundaries without it being about punishments and being horrible.

I don't think her birthday is the time to get tough.

The day after, maybe...

Have a look at the Explosive Child and see if it chimes. Reading just the first chapter or two will be enough to decide. It seems to me you have some choices to make on whether to approach it as a traditional discipline thing or a softer approach of supporting emotional regulation and working on missing skills.

The morning lifts thing is a really tricky one. Easy to leave with your youngest anyway, but it is likely to mean she misses the day of school, and she sounds at risk of struggling to attend. Talk to her HoY or tutor about it. Also maybe sit down with DD when you are both calm, set out a well defined specific problem (leaving the house on time) and brainstorm solutions together, adult to adult. Allow any ideas on the sheet, however ridiculous, and then have a rational conversation with her about which solutions are practical and possible. Are there any underlying patterns like she plays up on PE days?

You'll both remember a very unhappy birthday more than being late for school in future years, so I wouldn't cancel.

However, you need to make it clear in the next couple of days that if she's not ready at whatever time, the school run is then and you won't be repeating. Let her work out how she's going to get to school.

I'd go the other way. She needs the laptop anyway for schoolwork, so I'd cancel the dinner.

I'm so sorry, this all sounds very upsetting for you.

Please, please don't cancel her birthday meal. She doesn't deserve one, BUT if you cancel it, your relationship with her is not going to improve, and she will carry the resentment for many years.

Here is what I would do on the big day;

Give her a couple of small gifts in the morning (book/hair accessories/etc) so that she has something to open.

Tell her that she will be getting her main present after the birthday meal (because what you DON'T want is for her to not enjoy the party/be sulking all the way through it/refuse to go).

After the meal, give her the wrapped Mac BOX (without the Mac in it). At that point, you tell her when she has been up and at the door READY TO LEAVE 5 minutes early every day for a month, she will earn the right to her Mac. Make a chart if you have to. Then once she has earned it, she must continue with being ready every day; or she will lose it again. Similarly, every time she screams at you or is disrespectful, she loses the Mac, then phone, then straighteners, etc and will continue to lose stuff until she turns herself around.

Address your concerns again about depression but whatever the outcome of that, DEPRESSION IS NOT A FREE TICKET TO BE A DICK TO OTHER PEOPLE.

Also, ignore a pp's advice about not crying in front of your kids. You're a fucking human being. Cry if you need to. She needs to know what she is doing to you.

You got this, Mama.

Are the children at the nearest school? If so, they're entitled to free transport. Maybe if she has to be ready by the time a taxi arrives it will help her get into a routine.

Sounds really tough OP. Mine are younger (though can still be a pain in the bum) but I always think punishments don't have to be big to be effective. I always think small but immediate consequences (which they can come back from) are better than bigger/longer consequences. Maybe this changes as they get older though.

My teenage son, who was at senior school, was always making me and his younger brother late for school. His brother is at a different school (primary).

I spoke to his head of year about this and advised that my teenager may be late for a while because if he isn't ready then I would just drive off without him and take my youngest to his school. I would then go back home for my teenager and drop him back.

The head of year was fully on board with this and said that he would then give my son consequences at school for being late. He actually said "I might enjoy this as I've been having problems with my own daughter's time keeping".

This plan worked well. My son was only late twice those first few days and then started being on time!

I wouldn't cancel the birthday but I would adjust the plans. Instead of taking them out to dinner make it pizza and movie night at home. Instead of a MacBook Air a basic laptop or delay the MacBook until she behaves better.

Talk to your daughter and tell her that dinners out and Apple products are expensive privileges and and privileges need to be earned. Lay out very clearly what you expect and what the consequences of her not complying will be. And stick to them. As you say yourself, inconsistency and lack of boundaries have created this situation. You need to address it now, particularly as there is a younger sibling observing all of this...

I don't think PP appreciate the risk of getting into a pattern of school refusal and absenteeism. If OP just leaves her at home, her DD may well think "Great! I'm not going to school." And get into the habit.

I would never ever link a birthday to a punishment. A birthday is their day. Punishments are always linked to the behaviour. If I were sure there was no underlining cause for the struggles then the consequence would be I call at the set time and if they don’t get ready and are late they accept the consequences of getting a late mark and detention.

It does seem like she needs more support with organising and motivating herself.

Cancel the dinner. Tell her she can have the MacBook for Christmas if her behaviour improves. Write her a ten point list for improvement (eg up hair done and dressed by 8am) and stop running around after her.

Well she sounds awful but you are not parenting effectively. I think if you want to kill off your relationship with her completely then cancelling her birthday dinner last minute is a great way to go about it. She wouldn't be getting the mac book but you can't cancel dinner out as she will be really embarrassed in front of her friends.

Firstly you need to set and enforce boundaries - no screaming at you, if she does just walk away and don't engage. If she's fucking about before school leave her to it. Don't sacrifice your younger daughter's wellbeing because you cant/won't control your older daughter. This is your last chance to turn things around, because once she's 16 she will just do as she pleases. She clearly has no respect for you and this is something you earn so start today by sitting her down and calmly telling her enough is enough.

I would cancel with an agreement that she gets both the present and the outing once she has been up and ready for school every day for a certain length of time, maybe a fortnight.