Divorce on the cards, I'm at breaking point

[Wanttobenameless]

Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...

I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.

So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'

So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).

Some background -

There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.

We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.

He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.

I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!

DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.

He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).

He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.

Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.

I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.

DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.

TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.

I've stayed for these reasons -

• DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.

• I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.

• He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.

• I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.

There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.

AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.

Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.

I've read it, and I understand. I've been there, in a very similar relationship.

You are going to be okay, I promise. For now, you need support. Tell friends that you trust. A counsellor was absolutely the best thing I did. Educate yourself about emotional abuse. Loads online and YouTube.

I'll be back later.

Blimey. This really isn’t just about cash in the card is it.

I can’t understand staying for DS. Surely a new custody routine will be better for him than an unhappy home with miserable parents.

Your DH is wrong when he says you won’t get anything. You’re his spouse and legally entitled to your half of all the money, property, pension etc. Check out the website Rights Of Women for legal info.

He will have to help with school drop off and pick up if you split, depending how custody ends up.

It sounds like he’s got a rather easy life playing golf and controlling the money. Divorce will be a shock for him! He’ll have to pay his way and do his share!

I expect living without this horrid man will drastically improve your confidence in the long term.

I'm so sorry that you've been living like this.

Quite honestly... solicitors.
Tomorrow.

Good luck.

I mean it seems obvious to me that divorce would be for the best. He sound’s completely abusive. But you know this. Only you can decide if the negatives outweigh the positives.

I think in an ideal world you should get some money together any way you can so you can fight him for a proper financial settlement if necessary. If you’re married the starting point will be 50/50. But proper legal advice would be my first step.

Re your DS I just don’t see why joint custody (and TBH I would not be at all surprised if Dad fades off the scene pretty quickly) would be worse than this horrific situation? Surely there’s a chance that he’ll get better once he’s out of the toxic environment at home? Surely it’s got to be worth a try.

And re your work, if you get a decent financial settlement you can either pay for childcare/ after school clubs for a few years or manage on your job until your DS is old enough to get himself home from school etc. Once you’re away from him you’ll find a way.

I agree with pp. Your STBX is far too selfish and golf obsessed to bother parenting ds. It is just an empty threat to cause distress and anxiety.
Next time he is on the golf course, find and copy or photograph every single piece of financial, pension, tax, investment, bank account information you can. Find your marriage certificate, ds birth certificate and passport if he has one.
Hide everything in a safe place and see a solicitor.

By get better, I mean that his ADHD etc might be much easier to manage once he’s in a less stressful environment.

Hi,
get out - he has isolated you to a point where you don’t believe you could cope without him - partners at the very least are meant to want us to be the best we can be.

You absolutely deserve to be free of your horrible life. It sounds as if your DH is miserable in your marriage too. FWIW when I divorced XDH he didn't want it and was angry and difficult, but he is now very happily remarried and settled elsewhere.

Do exactly what @endofthelinefinally said. You will do absolutely fine without him, and your DS will be much better learning that you can't treat people the way he does.

Everything he is saying and doing is a pattern. I read a book called "the verbally abusive relationship ". It describes exactly what you are experiencing.

Although the word narcissistic abuse is thrown around a lot, please look at Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Yes to a solicitor, but also a counsellor.

Thanks so much for being so kind, and for your advice.

I'm by no means perfect, and I think he's turned me in to a person I neither recognise nor like.
I probably make him miserable, because I am so miserable.

But he'll take no blame for any of this. It's all my fault apparently.
Today is all my fault, even though I did what I thought would be best.

I have arranged to speak to a solicitor tomorrow, 30 mins free, as I don't have access to much money.

I will look at Youtube and read that book too.

I am so scared.

I am more scared of how he will treat DS (mentally) without me there to buffer, because I do buffer him here.
And that's what's kept me here so long.

I can't access any documents, he's got them all locked away.

I have no idea how much money we have, he keeps everything a secret and I have no way of finding out as it's either on his PC, password protected, or locked away.

gather as much money together as u can now.
do it without him noticing. don't raise his suspicions yet. get to a solicitor asap.
get every single piece of legislation gathered and photocopied. mortgage, every single bank account u can find. check his phone for everything.
copy all his porn accounts for evidence. take note of user names etc.
do u have a joint bank account?
gathering money is the most important part right now (other than all the emotional parts that u will deal with after all this, i'm so sad for you, your husband is an abuser, make no mistake, so u need to gather evidence of all of this.) write things down. situations that happened, dates etc.
but your solicitor wil give you the best advice.
just start getting things in order but do it without hun knowing, don't give him the chance at all to try to knock you down. you need to get away from him, never mind your child just now, he will be unsettled whether you stay or leave. it's hard but it is in the child's best interests you get out of this. he will understand more as he grows and you will see the difference once you are by yourself x

It's financial and emotional abuse and against the law.

Your ADHD DS will cope better in a less stressed environment. I have DD14 who is so much better when there is no noise or conflicts. Your home is already broken. You will fix it by separating.

You husband will lose interest in co-parenting.

Solicitor. Tomorrow. Explain about the financial abuse.

Your life will be so much more peaceful without him in it.

Your relationship sounds similar to mine a few years ago. A good friend took me to one side and said “you know this isn’t a rehearsal don’t you? You only get one shot at it”

I realised she was right. I wanted so much more from life.

Funnily enough, ExH didn’t go to court for full custody, couldn’t keep all of his assets hidden, I could cope (thrive in fact) without him, childcare was arrangeable and DSes are much happier.

And it turns out, that even sex is pretty damn enjoyable when you’re with someone who puts your needs first.

Get out. You’ll be fine (more than fine!!)

Thank you so much.
I can't access anything, he keeps all documents under lock and key.
I don't know anything about our finances other than we are a lot better off than he makes out.
We have a joint account, which he said to use, but then had a go at me for taking too much out (it was all for things bought for DS or the home, which alone I cannot afford). So I don't take anything out of there any more.
He watches that account daily, so I can't take anything without him knowing immediately.
I can't access his pc, iPad, or phone, they're password protected. I can't gather any evidence as I just can't access these things.
We used to know each others passwords, but he changed his.
But I can write down what's happened/is happening.
Our GP can also confirm as I've visited her and told her what's going on here.
I know I need to get out, I just hope I get some positive advice from the very limited 30 free legal advice minutes tomorrow.
Thank you for replying.

You might find Womens Aid are able to give you more advice too

Tell the solicitor about having all the finances withheld from you

good luck

Don’t worry too much about not being able to get statements etc. if necessary, your solicitor can sort that (much further down the line). Definitely don’t put yourself in danger by trying to get hold of them.

Contact Womens Aid. He is coersive and abusive. They will advise you.

Yes. Keep yourself safe. Don't give him any clues that you want to leave. Be discreet and act normally around him.

Thank you, you've been so kind and helpful.
I am not used to it!
Feeling so alone right now, I am so glad I found the guts to post on here xx

Coercive control and abuse are illegal.

You need to speak to your local police domestic violence team.

Surely paying a dividend in your name that you never receive is an actual crime? Make sure you tell the solicitor that, you may have a lot more leverage than you think.

Sound slime you've made your mind up, but just seeking confidence for the final leap. Maybe have a read back amd so what you've said.
Life is short, too short to be with someone like that.
I'd rather be broke but free, than rich and a slave.

Take care yourself and your son xx

Op.. its where you said he's only hit you once.
You do know the only acceptable level of abuse is none?
This is not a good man.
You sound tired and scared just by the way you've written.
I echo all the advice given but I would plan to leave him carefully. Leave him when he's out of the house.
I would speak to a solicitor tomorrow.
Find temporary accommodation.
Pack your essentials, whatever you need.
Empty half of the joint account out and leave him.
You're married so you're entitled to half of everything, he has no business to tell you you won't get anything.
Finally, at your sons age I doubt even the family court would impose an order of 50/50. The family court like to stick to the status quo and your son is old enough to verbalise his wishes and feelings.

I've never seen a posted that needs a LTB response more than yours, OP, so go on and Leave The Bastard.

Really sorry you've been through all this.