Divorce on the cards, I'm at breaking point

[Wanttobenameless]

Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...

I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.

So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'

So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).

Some background -

There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.

We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.

He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.

I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!

DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.

He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).

He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.

Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.

I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.

DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.

TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.

I've stayed for these reasons -

• DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.

• I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.

• He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.

• I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.

There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.

AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.

Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.

You sound so weak. Leave him you will get enough money through the courts. Your DS won't respect you if you stay.

What a horrible man. He clearly doesn’t care at all about you. You will be so much happier when he’s out of your life. Good luck.

Your DH sounds awful and I do think divorce would be good for you in the long run. However back to the cash in card. I think maybe because it’s your 25th wedding anniversary he was probably expecting a nice present. Especially seeing as he bought you a tennis bracelet.

When you speak to a solicitor mention not receiving your dividends. Do you do self assessments? HMRC will be interested your dividends being paid into his account - potentially tax evasion. You can at least use it as leverage with this atrocious human. You can be strong again - small steps and you’ll get your confidence back. Enjoy your spa day.

You poor thing, he’s really ground you down hasn’t he. As others have said, this is coercive control and is a criminal offence.

Talk to the solicitor about divorce and once that is underway I’d seriously consider filing charges against him for coercive control.

You can read more about it here, you may be shocked to realise how many boxes you tick: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

Echoing the advice to speak with police. Wish I had - I would have been in a stronger position. You need to be your own advocate like you are for your child

You said you were worried that your DS was starting to act like his disgusting father. If you want to change that - LEAVE. So far you have shown DS that this is what a marriage is and this is how husbands treat wives. NOW, show him that this is NOT acceptable and that wives will not be treated like this! It may be too late to retrain your STBX husband, but you can educate your DS and prevent another generation of abuse.

Especially seeing as he bought you a tennis bracelet.

Price range of a tennis bracelet is anything from £3.40 from Shein to over 12k + if a DB one or similar. Might be worth getting yours valued @Wanttobenameless if you believe its a good one, that will give you a bit of cash.

Your husband is abusive: financially abusive; verbally abusive; emotionally abusive; and physically abusive.

You know this isn't right. You really do need to divorce him.

Please do not worry about the impact of that on your son. Everything will work itself out.

So many men threaten to go for full custody in a way to coerce their wives to stay with them. If you actually do leave, I'd say it's unlikely he'll follow through. If he ended up with 50/50, he'd need to do so much for your son and it doesn't sound like he'd be prepared to sacrifice his big man job and golfing obsession in order to facilitate being a parent.

So many reasons in your original post scream you need to leave this man.

You will look back once you've regained your independence and wonder why the hell you stayed as long as you did.

Good luck, I wish you well.

You poor poor woman.

I am so sorry.

He is a criminal.

This is coercive control of the most serious type and he has assaulted you.

This is absolutely a police matter.

Spell EVERYTHING out to the solicitor.

If golf is everything to him, then his status in the golf club will be of huge importance to him.

How do you think he will feel about a prosecution for coercively abusing his wife?

Because this can be the stick to beat him with and get everything you deserve.

A forensic accountant will find every penny he has.

Tell the solicitor the sort of money involved and he can get his fees from him.

He is a truly awful man and if you want the best life for you and your son, you need to be prepared to fight dirty and wash his dirty linen in public.

Sleeping on the floor as he wouldn't allow a sick child in the bed.

He's a vile pig.

Pillars of the golf club often turn out to be street angels and house devils.

He is highly unlikely going to want to be the source of huge gossip.

Lay out clearly that he is never home and his looking for custody will only be more abuse.

Any names of banks that he deals with any information you can remember at all, write it down.

Please please be prepared to go to the police with this and any hint of violence or aggression, ring them.

We are all here for you.

OP, not sure if it’s been mentioned, but if his company pays you a dividend then the company accounts will be available via Companies House. You should be able to look back over the last few years to see how much the company has made, what its assets are and what you’ve been paid in dividends. You’ll also be able to show that you haven’t received that money which is theft.

You should be able to get statements for any accounts that have your name on.

Do NOT mention anything about money to him or ask anything about the company. Keep your powder dry.

What happened to the house you used to own?

I will be getting advice re coercive control definitely.

Not sure about the dividend. I raised it with the accountant and he didn't seem to think this was a problem but I will check again.

Thank you, I really appreciate your advice.

As said below, he has also deprived you of your dividend.

Tax evasion which needs to be reported.

He thinks he is above the law.

He could well have his arse handed to him because he has underestimated you.

Once you have made your decision remove half the money in the joint account which you are entitled to do so you have money.

This!

You know you need to leave.

You're a smart woman, you'll find another job, no problem. It's unlikely he'll actually go for 50% custody as that would restrict his time on the golf course, so he'll have to pay you CM anyway. And mainly, he sounds utterly horrible and you deserve better. You can do this, I promise.

Open a sole account in your name at the same bank as your joint account, then on the day you leave transfer as much as you can over before you go.

Yes, you need a therapist - for you, not as a couple.
You also need a good lawyer and probably financial advice.
Quietly extricate you and your DS from this relationship with an abusive man.

He will not fight you for custody. It would interfere with his golf.
please go and see a solicitor, and also find and copy financial documents.

Gathering as much information as possible before he realises.

Also the name of his accountant.
This accountant could be in serious trouble to if he has facilitated you not being paid your dividend, despite you querying it.

Copies of the joint bank account which you could go into the bank with ID and get a copy of.

You owe this man NOTHING.

Remember that.

I probably do sound weak, I'm worn out with it.
But I am strong enough to walk away, as soon as I know where I stand with everything.

Re a gift. If I thought for one moment it wouldn't be shoved in a drawer never to be seen again, he'd have got one. I hate giving money as a gift.
But as for years, he's told me not to buy gifts, he never uses them, nor needs or wants them, what am I supposed to do?

You're right, staying is giving the wrong impression to DS, I do need to get away for his sake so he can see this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

I've given the bracelet back. As he threw the money back at me, I could not keep it.

Thank you @billy1966 , after being called weak, that's just what I needed to hear. The same for almost everyone who's been kind enough to reply to me.

I never thought of Companies House! Gosh, my mind is so mashed, I never even thought of that, I will look now. Thank you!

The house I owned, the profit was used to lay down the deposit on the first home we bought together, way back when I earned more than him, and we shared money!
Only since he's earned more do we have separate finances.

Thanks everyone.

The coercive control here is worrying - he has control of your finances, and is your employer, but you don't even know what is going on with 'his' money. It's probably not a coincidence he's changed his password. He's a nasty man and I hope you get out soon. I would advise opening an account in your name that he doesn't know about and squirrelling as much into it as you can, even if that's using a joint account to buy 'household' stuff then taking it back and putting the money into your account. An escape fund, basically. Also time to brush up the CV and start applying for other jobs.

Hope you get some helpful advice from your 'free 30 mins.'

Well that OP didn't go quite the way I expected it to.

This isn't about £250 in a card.

Your marriage sounds dreadful, OP. Please leave this man and make a new life for yourself. Don't tell him anything until you've found all the financial information you can get your hands on and taken copies if it, and spoken to a divorce lawyer.

Please do not give his rants too much credence . Just because he is saying all this crap to you, doesn't mean that it is correct or even true.
Good luck getting 50/50 custody while he spends so much time away and has never participated in parenting .

He can bluster all he wants but he will be forced to disclose his financial situation and CM will be assessed accordingly. The dividend issue is one where he might get into serious trouble for fraud.
The marital home is a joint asset as are any pension schemes , etc.
Set up a sole account and take half of any monies in the joint one.
You are young enough to continue in your career and increase your earning potential.
Hopefully a solicitor will be able to reassure you too and guide you as to what your next move should be.

I experienced something similar last year but it was I who received the gift with no thought put in to it. I also considered divorce. I wondered if I was happy with my life, my marriage. I'm still here.

He's done a number on you.

Financial abuse is a crime when it amounts to coercive and controlling behaviour. He could be prosecuted for it. Make sure you keep any evidence of him restricting your access to money, including you paying over the dividend received to him and him complaining about your spending.