Divorce on the cards, I'm at breaking point

[Wanttobenameless]

Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...

I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.

So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'

So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).

Some background -

There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.

We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.

He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.

I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!

DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.

He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).

He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.

Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.

I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.

DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.

TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.

I've stayed for these reasons -

• DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.

• I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.

• He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.

• I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.

There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.

AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.

Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.

OP, have you ever heard of Lundy Bancroft? You can read a free copy of his book here, I think it might help you: ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He's done a few more recent YouTube videos too. His advice is do NOT let him financially rip you off in any settlements as it's the one thing you can't renegotiate. Some women take less money that it's not worth the fight, custody is the main thing, but that can be renegotiated later, and if the man's in the financially stronger position he may be able to do so successfully.

I think you'd hugely benefit from looking into trauma therapy for you and your son. You might find that what looks like neurodiversity is actually a long term complex trauma response to him not feeling safe at home.

And make sure you're covering your digital tracks.

Please add the bullet point that you have mentioned to the accountant numerous that you never see a penny of the dividends that you are paid and he has ignored the issue.

@bluecorn
No I haven't. I will take a look at that, thank you.
Thanks for the advice, that's really helpful.

I will look in to therapy too, because I've now another huge problem on my plate - DS has been threatened at school (really violent threat) and was up till gone 11pm last night worrying.
He's also isolating from friends, which he does do now and again, so I'm just waiting for school to call me back.
So my mind is fully focused on DS right now. It always is, but he's the priority above anything to do with what's going on with me, I come second and always will.
Talk about how much can one person cope with at once.

He is autistic, CAMHS have said that much, it was obvious from a very early age. He's mild, but it does cause anxiety. He's also definitely ADD or ADHD, but still waiting on a definite diagnosis for that, and hopefully then, some help for him.
I am struggling with this, because I do not know what's going to hurt him the most, I am trying to do what will be the least stressful for him, and I am going to see if I can find someone to talk to about this today.

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

@billy1966

I will do, thank you.

My advice is to keep school fully informed. And, if you can see a therapist, they can also support you with your son.

The abuse definitely affects children. You will learn to teach him how to put boundaries in place and build his self esteem.

You can get through this.

Thank you. I've arranged therapy for us both.

Solicitor called. I have a very strong case, she says I don't need to use coercive control as there's enough with joint assets to make sure I'll be more than fine.
She is going to fight the custody element too, if needed.

I'm going in to see her next week now we've spoken on the phone.

I’m so glad the solicitor is confident she can help you. I’ve been following this and worrying. Well done for taking positive steps.

Well done

The woman who wrote the original post & the woman you've become/rediscovered by the end is remarkable! I could barely finish your first post, it was so painful & your hurt so obvious & your husband so goddamn repellent.

You are going to be so much happier when you can just be you again. Good luck, you've clearly got this!!

I'm not sure about this but if he pays you dividends does that not mean you are a director/shareholder in his company? Worth checking out.

Sounds like you found a great solicitor OP. I also hope the counselling will help you and your DS, sounds like he is having a really bad time and I hope once you're separated the more peaceful situation will be positive for him.

My DD14 has ASD and ADHD and having a peaceful home environment is really important to her. (School environment also very very important but that's a whole different topic)

I am SO pleased for you that the chat with the solicitor was positive OP, although of course we all knew that it would be, but hopefully now, having had it confirmed by a person who actually understands your situation and the law, you will be able to relax a little.

I'm also pleased to hear that you've arranged therapy for yourself and your DS, which I hope will help you through.

At the start of your journey on MN you sounded so beaten down and burned out, and now you are a woman with the bit between her teeth, and God help anyone who stands in your way! What a difference, well done! It's bound to be a difficult journey, but if you find yourself wavering at any point, or just need a bit of support, then do please come back to MN and I feel sure that we'll soon lift you up again.

Sending positive and encouraging hugs.

Sending more support and admiration. You have so much to contend with here and you are keeping going throughout.

💐

Delighted for you.

I hope your son will be supported by the school and ok.

Keep going.

You will be so much happier away from this hideous man

Just to say, you will find the strength to get through this. Been through similar and lots of the threats sound familiar. Be prepared for him to fight dirty and for it to take far longer than you think but I promise it will be worth it and you will find yourself again and your son will be happier too. The final thing that made me get out was the awareness that I didn't want my kids to think this was what a normal relationship was. I had also lost myself I was so downtrodden.

So much good advice but in case anyone has not said this:

1. you can apply for help with legal costs (legal aid) if there is evidence of abuse - which there clearly is. WA can give you more info. Do not underestimate how much legal costs can be. Think £25 to open an email - they charge for absolutely everything. It quickly goes into the thousands. Barrister day rates (for financial remedy proceedings) are c. £2-5k for a junior. So get any help that you are entitled to and do as much as you can yourself. I did most of mine, including self rep in court. Deal with concise facts & figures when liaising with solicitors - take out all emotion. It's irrelevant. Save that for a therapist. Be aware that divorce is separate from financial proceedings and child proceedings. The divorce is the easy bit but the other two are anything but and they need to be sorted before you finalise the divorce. You might be able to get a non occupation order so your ex has to move out.

2. keep your docs/ anything related to divorce out of the house, well hidden. Do you have a family member or workplace you can use - address everything there. You need to do everything on the quiet - that is your main advantage.

3. you can get cash back on supermarket tills that is invisible and buy gift cards for useful essential shops - use this to build a little safety fund. Getting interim maintenance is extremely difficult.

4. save all joint act info. this is good evidence. Be v careful. My ex emptied our act completely at the beginning of our divorce. You could take out 50% of what is in there on the day the dividend is paid in (this is reasonable and fair distribution) but only do this before you tell him about the divorce. It might be quite tight timescales - consider it carefully. Be prepared for him to empty it completely as soon as he becomes aware. You can put the JA and mortgage in dispute once you've taken Your share to stop him taking any more out but it does make paying ad hoc bills tricky.

5. put in a CMS claim immediately you start proceedings. You can show you are living separately even if under the same roof. It takes 5 weeks. Check CB is also being paid to you as primary cater. Once he is out claim council tax discount for single adult household.

6. ignore 50-50 custody threats. It's about money - not child needs. The reality is they can't do it and won't make the sacrifice needed. Kids do see through it all more than you realise and will always fall back on the safe, consistent, secure parent. Keep school informed so they can support your child.

Good luck and take one day at a time!

Please do still report him for coercive control. It may open the gates for legal aid and help build up a picture that helps in the future, If you need to call out the police in the future if his controlling behaviour escalated which sadly it probably will.

i do agree about reporting him due to legal costs-it really adds up

Completely agree with this.

This is a really abusive man.

Involvement of the police would likely be the only thing that will put manners on him.

He could up his abuse with just a solicitor.

Do not underestimate how bad he is.

He is a criminal and has been for years.

Also if you involve the police with a complaint you will likely get legal aid.

You desperately need to get advice from Women's aid.

I'm also concerned that your solicitor doesn't validate the truth of what has happened. Is it that they want you to spend £££££ to get your fair share rather then use legal aid. It seems odd of them to tell you not to bother reporting him for that when it also seems like he has acted illegally with the company and potentially forging your signature.

More evidence of his behaviour the better.

@Thementalloadisreal

Thank you. I feel much better knowing where I stand, though I am wondering why she's not concerned re the coercive control.
When I see her I'll ask this.
She seems to think this doesn't matter, but I will discuss at length at the appointment.
Thanks so much.

@Chunkyandchico

Thank you :)

@Caerulea

I do feel like that, I'm having a good day today. Feeling positive.
Being told my rights, I feel confident I am not going to be destitute like he is trying to tell me, I think he's in for a very rude awakening, especially when he receives notice I've served divorce papers.
Karma!

The only worry I have now is how anything will affect DS, that's all I am concerned about, as the rest seems to be hugely in my favour.
Let's hope that I will get custody, with plenty of access for (D)H to see DS without the 'live at one home half of the week and at another for the other half' as I do think that's very unsettling for a child like my DS.

@Ibizafun

I am a shareholder, and I now know he owes me for all the dividends he's paid me but kept for himself.
He is going to regret this, because now I am nothing but angry, I am not worried about finances any more.

@jeaux90

She was great, didn't rush me off the phone and said she understood if I needed to put the phone down quickly. I'm looking forward to meeting her to discuss further.
Waiting to hear re therapy, but it should be very soon.
I am obviously more concerned for DS than myself - If he's okay, I will be, and that's all that matters to me.
I will take all the advice I can get on how to make this as easy as possible for him.
Yes, same for DS, he loves his home, it's it safe place, so I totally get that.
That is a concern for me, as this house is all he's ever known.
But I will do all I can to minimise stress for him, and I will be staying in area as his friends are here, as is his school.

@UpaladderwatchingTV

Thank you, me too :)
I do feel SO much better now I've spoken to someone who knows all the legalities and has advised where I stand.

You are right, that total desperation at the situation has now turned to anger but in a positive way. It isn't consuming me, but when I am angry I get things done, whereas when I feel like I did when I posted, I felt beaten and with no where to turn.
Amazing what having some positive advice and all of your encouraging comments can do isn't it?
I do feel stronger already.
I know the road ahead won't be easy, but I feel better prepared.

Thank you, that's so kind of you. You and so many others on here have helped me so very much, thank you.

@NunsKnickers

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

Us women need to stick together. I will hang around on here after this, and hopefully help others who have been frightened to death by a controlling partner/DH.

@billy1966

Thank you.

School are now aware and the relevant SENDCo is intervening for DS.

@LaurieFairyCake

I will.
I cant carry on like this, I have put up with it for too many years, and I hope I can start to live again very soon, with no one to dampen my spirit.
If I ever see another man again it will be too soon!
I know they're not all the same, but I've had enough of this to last me a lifetime.

@momentumneeded

Thank you, and so sorry to hear you've been through similar.
I am fully prepared, I know he will fight dirty.
I'm going to warn my solicitor about this when I see her.
That's the same for me, I don't want DS to think this is in any way normal, as it will affect his relationships, and I can't risk that.
I stayed for him, but I now realise that's the worst thing I could do.

Thanks for advice re legal aid, I was not aware of this if it's to do with abuse.
I will make sure to mention that.
If that's the sort of costs involved, I will need aid, else there will be nothing left to get us a new home!
I didn't know that I had to sort financial and child proceedings before the divorce, thank you for that advice. I am hoping the solicitor knows this!
I could do with a non occupation order, as he is acting like he's not just caused this huge shit storm, and is sending me texts with kisses on!!! I think he's lost the little plot he had left.

I'm covering my tracks well, he has no idea, and there is no way he can access anything.
Any paperwork, I will have sent to a family member.

I can't use the joint account, he had a fit about me using that for DS's needs, and some household things, even though he told me to use money from there, so I am not touching it.

I have access to our joint account, and I've screen shot all of the dividends which were due to me, but taken back out by him.
I will take 50% out before I serve papers though.

I will do re the CM, thank you. Great advice there.
He receives CB, he always has. He had it paid to him from the day DS was born, and has always kept it for himself.

Thank you, I think DS will want to be with me mainly, as I am the constant in his life, and do not fly off the handle at the slightest thing like DH does.
I do think his relationship with DH will be better being away from him.

@RandomMess

To the police? My only worry is I am stuck in the same house as him, and he will go mental in front of DS, whereas I do not argue in front of DS.
I am trying to keep things calm here, so I think the only way I can do this safely is if I can get DH out of the house.
Not sure, I will have to ask if I can do this at this stage?

@whynotwhatknot

Thank you, I was not aware I could get any help with legal costs due to abuse, that really helps me, thank you.

@billy1966

That's my concern whilst we're still under the same roof, if he gets wind of anything, I can't predict how he will act or what he will do, and he will have no qualms about doing this in front of DS, who would be greatly affected by that if he did.

Will the police take me seriously? I've put up with this for so long, I am worried that if I report, and they don't do anything, I will have made things a whole lot worse and then I will be in trouble.

I emailed Woman's Aid, as the chat facility was unavailable, and no option to leave a voice message for them to call me back.
I received an email but there's nothing in there that can help me immediately. I was hoping they'd be more help than they have been.
I am really disappointed with them tbh.

@RandomMess

I did wonder why this wasn't given more clout to be honest, I think it's important.
I haven't got a fortune to spend, so they can't get what I don't have.
I will ask about this via email, before I go in, as I do not want to pay for an appointment only to find the solicitor is not the right one for me.

You've shocked me yet again OP! I can't believe that this bastard you are married to had the nerve to even claim the Child Benefit, what a nasty piece of work he is! I can't wait to hear that he's either been removed from the house or you've left him.

You need to switch the Child Benefit to your name. Put in a claim for it. Explain you are primary carer, always have been and that it is a financially abusive relationship.

This means any years you haven't paid in NI you have not been getting contributions to your state pensions. It also contributes to the wider picture of him being recognised as primary caregiver for DS.

He has screwed you over since day 1.

hes done the cb on purpose. yes you will have t report it officially to get legal aid they dont just give it to you anymore

I'm glad you're not worried about finances anymore. I'm sure he'll turn nasty but don't be intimidated.

If you need a copy of your birth certificate or his, or your marriage certificate, you can order them online and get them sent to a friends house. Wasn’t sure if you knew this.