Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...
I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.
So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'
So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).
Some background -
There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.
We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.
He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.
I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.
When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!
DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.
He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).
He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.
Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.
I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.
DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.
TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.
I've stayed for these reasons -
- DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.
- I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.
- He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.
- I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.
There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.
AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.
Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.
Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.