Divorce on the cards, I'm at breaking point

[Wanttobenameless]

Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...

I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.

So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'

So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).

Some background -

There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.

We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.

He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.

I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!

DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.

He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).

He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.

Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.

I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.

DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.

TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.

I've stayed for these reasons -

• DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.

• I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.

• He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.

• I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.

There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.

AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.

Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.

Do you really see this man providing even 50% of the custodial work required in parenting? Will he cook meals, do laundry, do all of the school runs, buy half of his clothing...? You will get half of the marital assets.

I haven't read all the replies but I would report him for fraud as dividends should be paid to the shareholder, he shouldn't be keeping them for himself. A friend of a friend is going through similar with an ex husband who named her as a director and "paid" her dividends...he's under investigation now for tax and all sorts of financial fraud.

If he brings any documents to you to sign in the next few weeks don't sign.

I'm not surprised he only wants a divorce because of the sex. In all other ways, he has the life that feeds his needy ego. He has an unpaid servant (you), a nanny (you) and an emotional punchbag (you and DS).

Leave, leave, leave. You will never look back, I promise you. You'll show DS that his father's behaviour towards you is not acceptable and you'll be able to create a safe and happy home for you both.

You WILL be fine. Good luck.

OP, please, please, please, don't let him use the 'I'll kill myself' routine on you. If he should do it, which I very much doubt, (he's far too selfish), there is no possible way that you can be blamed, or should feel guilty, he is, as you suspect just playing mind games, trying to keep you under control, so that you do everything he wants you to do. Don't start worrying about him, as it's clear he doesn't give a stuff about you.

With regard to the solicitors calling you, this actually sounds quite dangerous. Assuming you have given your mobile number, then I would suggest you ask them for a definite appointment time when they will call you, so that you can be out and away from the house. If they say it's hard to give a definite time, then explain that if he were to come home and take the call, you could be in danger. For example, if you were in the bathroom, and he heard your phone go, might he answer it, so that he's in full knowledge of who you speak to? In which case they might inadvertently tell him they're a solicitor? You've said that his movements are unpredictable, in that he says he'll be home at 5pm, but appears at lunch time, and you wonder what he thinks you're up to, well he may just be doing this in the hope of catching you doing just what you're about to do, so please be VERY careful.

Thinking of you OP💐

@Loomy
Thank you, almost everyone has been absolutely brilliant. I don't know why, but I expected a load of flack too tbh.
Ah that sounds perfect.
I do, but I've also kept my circle small. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, jobs, kids, etc., that it is hard for some.
One friend has really surprised me by being useless, when I've always been there for her no matter what, yet another has stepped up and is a brilliant support. Mum is not well, so I can't really talk to her, and my sister lives a distance away and has a very stressful job, so I don't put on her either.

@OhcantthInkofaname

No, not really. I was ill with D&V last weekend, and never even brought me a glass of water. When I managed to get out of bed, the washing basket was overflowing, sink full of pots, kitchen a mess, etc. He'd done nothing.
He sees that as woman's work.
He was mummied, so that's done him (nor me) any favours.
I think he'll go for 50/50 but in reality, I can't see him coping long term, though he'll try just to prove a point and try to get one over on me.

@TimeForTeaAndG

It's only now, reading this from a few people on here that I realised this is fraud.
I won't do anything yet, but I will ask the solicitor today, thank you.

@OhcantthInkofaname

I won't sign a thing, not a chance.

@Wordsmithery

Thank you for your words of encouragement.
DS can't see it now, but he has to see that there is no love in this house.
DS won't hug, never says 'I love you', I think he's just never seen it, and that makes me so sad, as I can't have him growing up thinking this is normal, else it will affect his relationships when he's an adult.
Thank you.

@UpaladderwatchingTV

I won't let him use that, I do not think he's being serious but I'd never want to feel responsible if there's even a teeny chance he'd do it.
I certainly won't let it stop me from leaving.
I feel both of us will be happier apart. May be he'll be happier if he finds someone else, I think we're just too broken.
I do think it could be control thing though, as that's his thing in every aspect of his life.

I know, it is a worry, but everyone I've contacted only offers a free initial telephone appointment.
I'm good today as he's golfing, and I never leave my phone lying around when he's here, so he'll never be able to see who's calling me.
I have said in the forms I've filled in that if I do not answer, it is because he's home and I will not be able to talk.
I've never understood why he says he'll be home at X time then arrive home five hours earlier. And vice versa. He's always done this, it isn't a recent thing.
He gets stressed about days I do need him to pick DS up, and tells me he can't promise anything, but he's no choice when my work dictates this. He always manages to do the pick up or drop off no problem when needed, so yet again, is this a control thing?
I will be careful.

@IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls

Thanks so much.

Any threats to harm himself are just more abuse.

This is one of many ways abusive controlling arseholes keep their grip on victims.

The most effective way to manage this is to call 111 and inform them that your coercively abusive husband is threatening to self harm and will they do a welfare check on him.

Hand it over to the police, completely.

Arseholes like him are not long shutting up when the police call to them.

The police are well used to this tactic from abusers.

You are NOT his keeper.

Also do not gaslight yourself by thinking he has no idea what he is doing.

Stop kidding yourself.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He wants you poor, with zero options, tied to your childs needs, completely unable to challenge his complete control of you.

Do not bullshit yourself on this front.

He deliberately financially abuses you.

Money, employment = options.

He wants you 100% stuck, like all abusive arseholes.

You have had so much on your plate the last few years, it is perfectly understandable that you have just put one foot in front of the other.

Focus on the now and the great future you will have once you divorce him.

Thank you, I know that deep down.
It just came back to me as I was remembering things through the years, but I do not think he'd do it.

I'll not let it stop me from going ahead and leaving, absolutely not a chance.

I've looked in to finances and I'll cope fine on my own.
That's made me feels loads better as it was a huge concern whilst I get back on my feet.

I've had two calls this morning from law firms.
I thought it would be from the lawyers, but it was their PA, taking details ready for my appointments. Bit disappointed but at least the ball is rolling.
I have one this week, and one early next week.

Their response was exactly what I'm getting on here, validating yet again that what he's been doing to me for years is so wrong.
I need to email in with a summary ready for my appointments, so I'll be doing that today.

I'm feeling in a much better position to fight this now.

Thanks so much.

I need to email in with a summary ready for my appointments, so I'll be doing that today.

That makes it even better that you posted on here. It's allowed you time and space to think about how he is, and things that PPs have said have made you think about other aspects. So now you're in a much better place to set it all out that you would have been if you hadn't posted. Go back over all the posts, yours and others, so that it's all laid out and will be fully understood.

Good for you.

You have been living it and ground down by it.

However, to fresh ears and eyes, your story is truly shocking and one of horrific coercive abuse.

When you write out your story, bullet point the different abuses, leave none out, the more horrific and humiliating the better.

Every single way he stopped you working, having money, controlled you, deprived you of your dividend, abused you if you used money from the joint account for his child, had you both sleep on the hard floor when your child was sick......every single horrific incident that you recall in bullet form.

You are aiming for a document detailing the most horrific abuse so that he has nowhere to hid. The joint account print out to show how he controlled the finances.

This will be your chance to cut him off at his legs.

Remember everything his has done can be told to HIS lawyer whom will also be appalled and will be advising HIM.

This is absolutely a police matter.

If he is made fully aware that it is a police matter as well as you divorcing him, he may tread far more carefully with being vicious.

You absolutely have this.

Good for you.

You have been living it and ground down by it.

However, to fresh ears and eyes, your story is truly shocking and one of horrific coercive abuse.

When you write out your story, bullet point the different abuses, leave none out, the more horrific and humiliating the better.

Every single way he stopped you working, having money, controlled you, deprived you of your dividend, abused you if you used money from the joint account for his child, had you both sleep on the hard floor when your child was sick......every single horrific incident that you recall in bullet form.

You are aiming for a document detailing the most horrific abuse so that he has nowhere to hid. The joint account print out to show how he controlled the finances.

This will be your chance to cut him off at his legs.

Remember everything his has done can be told to HIS lawyer whom will also be appalled and will be advising HIM.

This is absolutely a police matter.

If he is made fully aware that it is a police matter as well as you divorcing him, he may tread far more carefully with being vicious.

You absolutely have this.

Also, have you ever felt any pressure to have sex with him?

Did you ever feel that you had to do it to keep him from being unkind, bad tempered?

This is very important if you did.

State this clearly and explicitly if you ever felt you had sex to keep him from being unkind.

This needs to be spelt out in your document for the solicitors to read.

How often you had sex and how often you felt pressured to do so and for how long it has gone one.

Spell out his reaction to you saying no.

Spell out his reaction to knowing you were in huge pain yet he still pressed you for sex.

The more honest and explicit you are the better.

The sex stuff can be hard to confront. It took me a year before I could face it.

What I did find is that Rape Crisis have a webchat facility, which enabled me to talk to someone totally anonymous and neutral.

Please see if you find a therapist. The pain when this starts to come out is easier to manage with proper support.

@Gymnopedie

It really does, it's given me so much clarity and has made me think of things I had never thought of. I didn't even know some things were a criminal offence, but I did know there was control there. I was not aware that the control was a crime until very recently.

@billy1966

This is true, I didn't see how bad it was as he's ground me down year after year, I just could not see how bad it really was.

I think I'm going to add a link to this thread in my emails to the solicitor, so they can read it all. Do you think that's a good idea, or better to write it all out again? Not sure.

Yes, I have had that pressure in the past, and not too distant past tbh.
Sometimes I've gone ahead, even though he can see tears rolling down my face from the excruciating pain.
He's shown no affection towards me, or any concern about the pain he's inflicting on me.

He used to push and push me, even though he could see how hurt I was, and he honestly did not care he was the cause of it.
I've done that before to keep the peace, not because I wanted to.
I do not any more, I refuse.
I can't count the number of times, there have been many. And this has gone on for years, not months.
His reaction to my refusal is he always that he wants a divorce. This is not the first time he's said this to me.
He is also bad tempered and very off with me, the atmosphere is awful.
I've been woken up a few times by him touching me in various places.

Sometimes I think he's asleep, and he'll suddenly thrust his hand in to my underwear, how romantic!

However, he never tries to hold my hand whilst out, he walks off in front of me, never by my side, or shows any other kind of affection towards me, he just goes straight in and grabs a part of me like I'm some sort of bloody play thing with no feelings.
He has said recently that sex is a huge thing for him, so if we can't sort that out then he wants a divorce.
I can't sort it out, he knows I'm having tests at the hospital regarding the pain I have - I had to stop using tampons, and PAP tests are extremely painful, so this is not psychological.
I couldn't be physical with him even if I wanted to, I am full of resentment for all he's put me through, and I am not a robot so I couldn't just do it to please him, even if I were physically able.

I wouldn't link the thread Your posts go beyond the factual and into some very personal stuff, which is fine on here where you're looking for support from unkjnown MNers but not necessarily what you want a solicitor to see.

OP, your 'D'H sounds like a twat of the highest order.

You have done everything you can, but fact is that you are worth so much more than him.

And your DS deserves a happy life too.

Drop the dead weight and take that twat to the cleaners.

I agree with a PP, don't give the solicitor a link to the post, as that will just waste time, and as you know, time with a solicitor is money. I would suggest that now that you have time, you just go through your own comments, and list the things you've told us, also add in anything else like the sex issues, which obviously you haven't been specific about here, but should be with your solicitor.

I'm a bit disappointed for you that the calls today were only to make appointments with the solicitors, but as you say, at least it's a step further in the right direction. Will these actually be face to face now OP?

I agree, do not give this thread to the solicitor.

Go through each of your posts and bullet point his abusive.

So you have been sexually assaulted by him for years.

He has been both a sex pest and has coercively forced you to have sex.

Spell these points out as you have in your last post.

These are futher crimes that he has committed.

I cannot over state how serious his abuse of you is.

You poor poor woman.

Please tell this to your GP too.

Whilst you wait for your solicitors appointments, get this information together.

The more work you do on it the better it will be.

This will make the solicitors job easier as they will have in front of them the full truth of your situation.

Spare nothing, give them everything.

You can do this.

Thank you.
I'm crying.
Not just because of your kindness, and giving me an outlet to share my experiences safely and anonymously, and validating what I'm going through is not normal, but also I'm crying for the woman who wrote this.
All those years of what I can now clearly see as abuse and wasted time.
I'll never get that back.
Thank you, I've never told anyone all of this.
And I was so hesitant to write it on here as I was sure I'd be shot down by at least one or more people. But I'm so glad I took that risk, because this outlet is keeping me sane at the moment.
I wish I could thank you personally.
You honestly do not know how much you're helping me.

I haven’t read the whole thread yet, (sorry), but wanted to quickly tell you I’ve got something similar.

I am (was) and equal share holder in my stbxh company.

He also paid me money from the company, (paye, pension, dividend) which I have never had access to. I have never seen the accounts although I have seen letters from the accountant addressed to both of us. I have no access to the company bank account and never have.

I have since found out that he has wound the company up online. He signed my name without my knowledge.

I am waiting to see my solicitor about this. He also submitted my self employed tax return a couple of years ago and only told me after he had done it.

I also feel so downtrodden and emotionally fragile it is difficult for me to gather the strength to do what I know I must to get divorced and free from this man.

Im off to read the whole thread, but interested to know how your situation will play out. Best of the best of luck.

This really does sound like coercive control OP

@Isheabastard I think you should have been signing multiple documents each year from the accountant. They should have records.

I'm so very sorry you're going through similar.
It makes you feel ill doesn't it?
I totally understand, as I feel the same.
I've been asleep for a bit as I'm worn out with it.
And not eating properly.
I really hope you can find strength and get out too.
I'll keep you updated, please let me know too.
Sending hugs x

I can see that clearly now, I couldn't see the whole picture before I started to get replies on here.

I sign off my own self assessment by the accountant, and that includes dividends from his business.
So I can see what he's supposed to have paid me but never has.
I'm suprised the accountant hasn't red flagged this as I've mentioned to them on numerous occasions that I never see a penny of the dividends, as I always need to know to the penny what my self employed business owes so I can pay the tax and NI I owe.