Divorce on the cards, I'm at breaking point

[Wanttobenameless]

Please may I ask, be kind? I am in a bit of a state...

I won't go in to all the ins and outs, as it would be akin to War & Peace, though that might be a good title for this - Without the 'Peace' part.

So today, on our 25th wedding anniversary, when we should be celebrating and going out for a meal, my DH threw the £250 cash I gave him in his card, back at me.
He then proceeded to tell me no thought had gone in to it, and that instead of buying me a gift, he'd considered divorce (lovely to hear on our wedding anniversary!).
To be fair, he'd bought me a lovely tennis bracelet, and I gave him money simply because whatever I have ever bought him, he's either told me it's a waste of money, he doesn't need it, don't bother, etc.
I did look at gifts but knew it would be a waste of money, and even a weekend away, but he hates going away, so it would be so wasteful.
So I gave him money so he could buy what he wanted, and all this has blown up, because 'I made no effort' even though he tells me over and over 'not to bother, you're wasting your money as I don't need/want it (gift).'

So apparently I am the unreasonable one for not making an effort and it's I who has ruined today, not him (no wonder I'm confused!).

Some background -

There are gifts I've bought him over the years still in his drawers, never opened or used.
He consistently tells me there is nothing he wants or needs, and not to buy him anything, though I have always tried to buy thoughtful gifts through the year (for everyone, not just DH).
So, I have given in lately and given him money instead (even though I always prefer to buy people gifts) so it isn't wasted and he can buy something he wants.
I really wanted to get him something for our 25th, but I knew a watch, or anything 'silver' would simply live in his drawer, never to see the light of day (along with the other watches, wallets, etc., I've bought him over the years).
I mentioned this, and he said, 'It's the sentiment, you could have got me something silver to keep, but instead chose to be lazy and just give me money.'
I did not choose to be lazy at all, I looked and looked, but just thought, what is the point, he'll never use it or even look at it, just give him money so he can buy what he wants, which is what he always asks for.
No matter what I do, it's never right.

We've been going through a rough patch for a few years to be honest, and there is a lot of resentment.
He's golf obsessed, and that is his number one priority.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way of that.
He moans about being too busy at work, yet he plays 1-4 times a week, whilst I keep house, run my business, look after DS mainly, etc.
For instance, when I'd had our baby by C-Section, I was on the phone to the health visitor quite upset (slight baby blues) - He came in to the lounge, took one look at me in distress, and walked out to play golf for the day.
Another instance - When I was heavily pregnant, I fell asleep on the sofa, and he'd been upstairs paying to interact with porn online and I was devastated.
I already felt huge, fat, unattractive, and miserable.
So for him to do that when I was heavily pregnant with his child, it floored me.
I spent nights driving around as I couldn't bear to sleep in the same bed as him. Not once did he call to see where I was, he slept soundly.
I moved out for a while to my mum's. He came round to see me one day, but only after he'd finished his golf tournament.
Stupidly, I gave in and went home. Even writing this, I feel so weak and pathetic.

He hates going on holiday. He moans constantly about how busy he'll be when we get back home. It ruins the holiday.
Yet when we return home, he does 2.5 days work and the rest on the golf course.
He says we can't afford to go away (rubbish, he earns a lot of money), yet was going to spend £700 to go and watch our team play a friendly in Spain this summer.

I am going to a spa day this weekend, only my second time out this year. He isn't happy about it at all, but I'm going.
I don't go out often because I prefer to spend time with my DS at the weekend when I'm not working, and to be honest, I can't afford to, whereas DH can and does.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times.
God I really do sound pathetic now - I never used to put up with stuff like this!

DH is very controlling in all aspects, but most definitely financially.
He is a high earner, but keeps his money to himself. He pays me a dividend from his company, but I never see any of it, not a penny. He keeps it.
Yes, he pays the bills, but the dividend is huge, and way more than the bills costs pm.

He has only hit me once, ages ago (and to be fair, I did slap him back as I was furious), but is verbally abusive, and he shouts a lot at our DS, though he has never laid a finger on him (no way would I still be here if he had).

He is quick to anger, and can flip quickly, like this morning when I gave him cash for our anniversary, because he always tells me whatever I buy him, he doesn't want or need. I can't seem to do right for wrong.

Because of all this, and so much more, I simply can't bear him to be near me.
Sex is a huge thing for him, but all this resentment, I am not a machine, and cannot just do that to keep him happy when I am so full of resentment and upset.
I also have problems with sex, it's so painful for me, that I cannot physically cope with the pain. I am under investigation at the hospital, but they are not sure what's wrong yet.
He wants to divorce ONLY because of the physical side of our relationship - That's the one and only reason he wants to end this.

I am very concerned DH's behaviour is affecting our DS.

DS is mirroring his dad.
Instances - He will say he doesn't want his photo taking, he doesn't like this, doesn't want to do that - All of this is what he hears from DH. He's learning these negative behaviours from DH.

TO be fair to DH, he does take DS to his sports. I go too mainly, but it's DH's thing really.
I am the boring one who nags at DS to get his homework done, who washes his clothes, makes sure his school kit is all ready for the next day, run errands, cooks meals, etc.

I've stayed for these reasons -

• DH says he'll fight me for custody of our DS. Whilst he won't get full custody, I don't think joint custody would suit our DS as he's a very anxious child, with slight autism / and with ADD/ADHD (he's under CAMHS for assessment). I cannot risk this for him, he wouldn't cope well. He's just started high school, so it's already a very unsettling time for him. I would NEVER keep our DS away from his dad, but I really do not think joint custody would be good for him. DH is only thinking of himself here, he's not thinking about the welfare of our child. And to be honest, in reality, it would mess with his hobby obsession too much.

• I am more or less financially dependent on him. I've had very good jobs before, and was offered two excellent roles, but DH was very against both, as it would mean I worked in a mainly male environment. He wore me down and I gave in, and worked for him instead - It is one of my biggest mistakes, as it isolated me, and took away my financial independence.

• He says I'll get nothing when we separate - He says I won't cope without him.

• I do work for myself, but I don't earn enough to live on as I am governed by school hours as DH has now refused to help with drop off or pick up For a while he did the pick up, but told me at the beginning of summer he'd no longer be doing that, thereby cutting my earning potential down even further. On top of that, the old anxiety and depression which I thought were a thing of the past, have reared their ugly heads, and I've started having panic attacks again. As my job involves me driving on motorways a few times a week, I do not know how long I can carry on for. I was cutting back to try to get back to full health, but I won't earn anything then, and DH most definitely won't help me.

There's so much more, but I think you get the picture.

AIBU re this? Or has he worn me down so much I really think I deserve this?
I just do not know any more.

Believe it or not, before I met DH, I had a successful career, my own house and car, and was super independent.
Right now, I am scared to death wondering what the future holds.

Thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. I do appreciate it.

The only reason hes upset about the sex is because he doesn't see you as a real person. Let it sink. To him, you're not an actual whole multi-faceted person with wants and needs. To him, you're a placeholder, a utility with different functions. Not a real person.

It feels like horror to realise that. That you were never really cared for as a human. Like i said, mine got the divorce papers after i stopped sex. Ive been shamed, insulted and blamed for all sorts, but building myself back up again. Sexuality included. Your health might improve too if you leave him. I was starting to fall apart physically with all kinds of symptoms. They all vanished after he moved out.

You sound so revoltingly ignorant and lacking in empathy. And have zero understanding of coercive control and how it can undermine your confidence and even identity.

People like you shouldn't go anywhere near DA threads.

I hope it goes well at the solicitors OP

Morning

I'll reply to everyone here:

DH owns the company, and I am a shareholder it would seem.
There are no other shareholders.
He pays the tax due on dividends.
It affects how much I can earn personally, so I am paying extra tax on my own income due to this.
He pays it in to the joint account then takes it all straight out, it never stays in there, even for a day.
I think he pays some in my name as only so much can be taken out of a Ltd company, and he says he uses it to pay bills, but the bills are no where near what the dividends are.

I will make a concise list for the solicitor appointment, as I am conscious I only have 30 minutes initially.

I think my son is picking up on the negative energy, so I am looking to get out of this situation ASAP.

I will see my GP again, I don't want any meds though, I need to keep my wits about me.
I will also call Woman's Aid, I didn't think of that, thank you.
You're right, I am beaten down, and I am to blame for that too as I allowed it to happen, I just can't believe this is me, I've always been so strong.

I can't believe I've wasted 25 years on him either. The one and only good thing to come from this marriage is my beautiful DS, who deserves none of this.
He's got a huge issue with the physical side, but I am not a robot, so even without this pain I have, I couldn't be near him anyway, there's just too much resentment.

To hear a few of you say LTB, especially when you've never said it before, makes me realise how stupid I've been for putting up with this.
I know he will be happier too, but I pity the poor woman who ends up with him.

No, I don't think I should have bought him a gift either based on what I've said about previous experience over the years. I did what I thought was right, but I think he was looking for a reason for this tbh.
I put some money away every month towards birthdays, Christmas, and special occasions. So I don't have a great deal of spare cash, but I always make sure I have some put aside for these occasions.

Good idea re printing this off, as there is so much useful information on here, thank you so much.
I think it's a good idea to send it in before I speak to a solicitor, thank you.

It isn't going to be hard keeping quiet, as we're not talking to each other at all.
Awful negative atmosphere here, so he won't be hearing anything from me.

I feel awful for DS, he has just started high school and is not coping well with the change. To throw this in to the mix too, I am very concerned about him.
He loves his home, it's all he's ever known. It's his safe place.
I know they say kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for, but he has mild autism and possible ADD/ADHD, and suffers with anxiety and over-thinking as it is.
So hard! And the reason I've stayed here.

That's the thing, it really comes down to sex for him. If that was okay, he wouldn't contemplate us splitting, as I am sure he's aware he has to pay up when we split.
He is not aware that he might have to pay more than the 50/50, and will try to avoid CM by going for 50/50.
He will definitely slag me off to whoever will listen to him, but I don't even care.
People can believe him, and they may well do, but I never need to see them again, so I am not bothered about that at all. I know the real truth, and he won't want that getting out, so he's in for a bit of a shock.

Thank you, waiting for a call from solicitors today. I will keep you updated.

Thanks so much, I can't tell you how much you've helped me.

I hope the meeting with the solicitor goes well @Wanttobenameless. If you have any friends you can confide in it might help you to keep motivated in getting those little ducks in a row.

Don't worry about paying solicitors fees, I am sure you can make an arrangement where they take their payment out of the divorce settlement rather than all up front.

Whilst you don't want to out yourself, it may be worth you posting your vague location (county or nearest major city) as I am sure there will be MNers who can recommend a SHL near you to help take your H to the cleaners!

Hi OP, thanks for the update, and please don't feel guilty for finding yourself in this situation, these sort of things are so insidious that it's easy not to realise what is happening to you.

Also, while I know you are extremely worried about how all this will affect your DS, you know deep down that leaving will ultimately be to his benefit as well as your own. Yes, you're heading into uncharted waters at present, and it is going to be tough, as those that have been through it know, but we also know that you AND your DS will be much happier once you're away from this vile man, and things have a chance to settle down.

I'm glad you are finding some of my suggestions helpful, and wish you all the very best for the meeting with the solicitor. Please come back and let us know how you get on. Sending you a big hug to give you strength.

dividends are based on your shareholding, not on being a director.
removal of a Director does not require a signature - from memory, CH write to the director directly, but if he's intercepted that, or it went to the registered office, OP won't have known.

Morning OP.

I'm glad you're getting some legal advice. I won't lie; you are in a sticky situation and this is not going to be easy to sort out. You don't just need a lawyer, you need a shit hot lawyer. Don't make the mistake of choosing a lawyer based on whose fees you think you are best able to afford, because you don't currently have access to all your money (half of everything is yours), which means he will get a better lawyer and screw you over.

In your position I would have several initial consultations with a few different lawyers, see what they say, and tell each one that you need some time to think about your next move before you decide what to do. This will give you the time to decide who to instruct. Ask each of them about what payment options they offer for people in your situation who are entitled to enough money to pay the fees, but can't currently access any of it.

I would try anything you can think of to access any documentation your husband is keeping at home. And keep quiet about all of this. Not a word to your husband, not even a hint. Change all your passwords, log out of every site you use, delete your Internet history after each browsing session. In fact, if you think you can manage it without fucking up, just delete the specific items from your Internet history which might tip him off, e.g. anything about divorce, and leave the rest so he doesn't get suspicious about why you've suddenly deleted your Internet history.

Keep all of this ultra quiet until you're ready to serve the divorce papers, and then the moment you do that, take (at least) half of the money out of the joint account and put it in your own account so you have access to money from that point onwards.

You'll want a lawyer who is really going to fight for you to get everything that is rightfully yours. In addition to getting a fair split of the marital assets, your lawyer should be trying to get you compensation for the tax you've paid on your own income due to the dividends in your name which you never actually saw. You might need to hire a forensic accountant, and again, how and when their services are to be paid for is something you will need to discuss with your lawyer. Your lawyer should also be making a big song and dance about the fact that your husband has deliberately prevented you from maximising your own earnings by refusing to contribute to childcare.

The lawyer you get could make a huge difference to the outcome for you so shop around and male sure you get a good one. A cheap one will be cheap for a reason.

My thoughts to add to the mix...

Rememeber that the starting point is 50/50 of all assets - NOTHING is exclused from this. And this includes the business. If you are a shareholders you already own that percentage. He will be looking to get you off that as soon as he gets wind that you are seeking divorce and he will seek to devalue the company so you will need a solicitor prepares to go in fast with the financial stuff.

In terms of DS, you can seek 'first refusal' on contact time that he doesn't spend with DS rather than him.being palmed off with anyone else. This can be normal.for smaller kids - but given DSs diagnoses then would be very easily fought for for him so that 'd'h cannot take him from you then off load him to family or childcare as this is not in ds interests. He must be with DS himself - or bring him back to you.

Flag the issue with the sendco / pastoral team at school- as in 'home is difficult this might be affecting him. This will keep an eye without judging you.

OP, it might help to read the following on coercive control/financial or economic abuse:

https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/financial-abuse-is-domestic-abuse/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20an%20act,punish%2C%20or%20frighten%20their%20victim.
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwmICoBhDxARIsABXkXlL5Gz6B9GIZXErHdkZXByVY8VF5_ZC7mEOlWUMg8otQz92OaWgDiLIaAszBEALw_wcB

Preventing someone from working or confiscating their wages (which is essentially what has happened to you, with your "earnings" in the form of the dividend being immediately taken) is a fairly clear-cut example of economic abuse. I'd definitely stress this in your conversation with the solicitor as their advice may be different if they understand that you are a victim (and your husband a perpetrator) of domestic abuse. Particularly in making sure that you have ongoing access to money.

You can prove that the dividends from the company are put in the joint account and that you never see them again - thats your money from the company!! I would be raising this with the solicitor aa part of your settlement- he owes you this and has no right to remove it from the joint account without your permission. Your bank statements will show them everything they need to know about his financial control.

Good luck today x

OP, please speak to the solicitor about his standing in the community/golf club and making a complaint to the police.

He wouldn't be the first man that has paid up to shut up a woman he has abused.

I play a bit of golf and if this was to come out about one of the members it would be a massive source of negative gossip.

It could cost him his membership as a code of conduct is taken very seriously.

Also a print out of the joint account will tell a very clear story of financial abuse when your dividend comes in and goes straight out.

He has known EXACTLY what he is doing, as must his accountant.

His accountant will not like being dragged into this as you can make a complaint against his professional body that he facilitated your financial abuse and that it is now in the hands of the police.

I bet he would choke to be informed of this.

You are not powerless.

I too think you need to inform the school that his are very difficult at home and they need tonwatch out for him carefully.

I agree.

As part of the settlement, you should argue for all those "dividends" (essentially your unpaid wages) to be returned to you, in addition to your share of the marital assets.

@CaveMum, no call as yet. And he's now home and working in the home office / aka small bedroom, so I'd have to nip out very quickly if they do call.
I have two more lined up for tomorrow though, as I've asked my solicitor friend (she owns a company specialising in medical) for a recommendation, and she's sent a glowing recommendation for me.
She used her herself when she went through the same, so I am confident she'll be good.
Sadly, most 'friends' seem to disappear when the going gets tough.
People make the right noises, but are no where to be seen.
I'm meeting up with a friend on Thursday though, and she's super lovely and reliable.

I am going to ask if I can pay out of the settlement, that way I can relax knowing I have someone fighting my corner from the off, without bills racking up which I can't afford to pay at the moment.

I am so scared to say where I am as I've given quite a bit of information out, so if someone I know happens to be on here, they'll know who I am straight away.
Though I would love that advice, obviously!

@UpaladderwatchingTV, thank YOU more like.
It is crazy how I didn't realise how bad it was until I started to read replies.

I'm not stupid, yet I've been acting that way for years.

I am worried about DS. He's a very young 11, so it is a worry.
It is hard, but I know what I have to do for long term stability and happiness for the both of us.

I am finding your suggestions helpful, thanks so much.
I honestly am so glad I took the plunge and posted, because I feel empowered now, not the meek little mouse who was scared to death.
I will get my confidence back - I had it before, I will get it back, I'm determined.

@ThinWomansBrain,
Thank you for clarifying. So, he can't remove me as a shareholder without my consent? My solicitor friend told me two things - 1. Don't leave this house, and 2. Do not relinquish shares. I was going to email and ask her if he could remove me without consent.

@MargotBamborough,
Thank you, though sadly, they have not called me as yet.
But like I said above, I have two more lined up for tomorrow.
DH golfing tomorrow, so I don't need to worry about him coming home - he's very good at saying he'll be home at say, 5pm, and arrives home at lunch, and vice versa.
I don't know what he thinks he's going to catch me doing, because the last thing I ever want, ever ever ever again, is a man!
Have had a great recommendation for a lawyer here, she is one of those calling me tomorrow. But I will speak to a few, and definitely not go for the cheapest, but who I think will do the best job.
I can't get to any documents, they're all under lock and key in his filing cabinet. Searched for the key earlier, to no avail. I will keep looking, as I am curious as to why that needs to be locked when it's in our home.
Everything has had a password change, he can't access anything of mine now.
I am keeping quiet too, not a word to him about anything.
He may well think this too will blow over, but I am way past that stage, I just can't keep going around in these circles with the outcome being the same.
I am miserable as hell and fed up of being controlled.
I am going to print all of this off, as I've had some brilliant advice on here, and use key points when I speak to the legals.

@LittleOwl153,
Thank you. DH says I'll get nothing from the business. The business I helped him to build up before DS was born.
And helped him to maintain by taking care of everything else.
I know he thinks he's home and dry where the business is concerned, but I know I am entitled to some of it.
I did so much towards it, and used to do his accounts, so he's not getting away with that one.
I am keeping quiet so he doesn't start to move money around, as that is definitely the first thing he will do.

I never knew about first refusal. I will use that, thank you.
No way is DS being palmed off on to anyone. If DH gets 50/50 and can't do his bit, I will ensure I get that, because DS will be unsettled enough without him being fobbed off here, there, and everywhere.

I am sending an email to school now, thank you for that too.

@Goldbar,
Thanks so much, I've read these now.
I am surprised how much help I will get to be honest. I was so very worried about making ends meet until I'm stronger.
I feel loads better for reading these, thank you.
I've also contacted Women's Aid via email as the chat option was busy, so I will let you know when I hear from them.

@zeibesaffron,
Yes, I can prove this. I've taken screen shots for as way back as it will allow, showing the money going in and straight back out to his personal account.
Thank you.

@billy1966,
That's a very, very good idea - He would be mortified at the thought.
He cares more about what they (and his friends) think of him than what we think of him.
He once had a right go at me, I can't remember what it was now, but it was something he did not want his friends knowing. He really tore strips off me in front of my mum and friends, I was so shocked I didn't retaliate.
I've always regretted not giving him a mouthful at the time.
I get he needs a hobby, I really do. But this is not even borderline obsession, it's full blown, absolutely crackers.
He even put a pitch and put in the garden and a simulator in the garage - Yet says we have no money!

Good point re the accountant.

I wonder if I should mention anything to them at any point? Not yet obviously, but when everything is underway?

@Goldbar
I will do, I have printed everything off so I have all the proof re this, thank you.
Sadly the solicitor did not call me today, but I do have two calling me tomorrow, fingers crossed.
Thank you.

It's getting on now, I don't think any solicitors will be calling me today. Wonder if they're golf buddies of DH and they somehow know who I am!

Thanks so much everyone, I am honestly so grateful for your advice and support.

I've not been through a divorce so please can someone correct me if I am wrong, but isn't there something about a solicitor cannot act for you if they have offered advice, even just a consultation, with the other party? If that is still the case I'd be sorely tempted to try and get a free 30 minutes with every decent family solicitor's firm in your town/area so that he has his options severely limited when it comes to lawyering up!

This really isn't about the gift...

If you have working arrangements that make you available for school runs, medical appointments etc and he doesn't, court won't give 50 50. They like to keep things as consistent as possible for the kids. So if you're the main caregiver they would want to maintain that.
They also don't 'share the child out' it's abou their interests. So if his plan is to have 5050 custody but have someone else caring for him, they won't go for that.
If you are the primary care giver with the reduced hours etc he will get awarded time with them for sure, but very unlikely to be 5050.

I am SO pleased to hear that you have found the responses to your post empowering OP! You already sound like you've grown about 6" in stature, and are feeling much stronger than when you first told us what was going on. If only women always worked for the benefit of each other!

Just one question, how come you're waiting for a call from the solicitor, I thought you had an appointment, or have I missed something?

If he suggests 50/50 then agree (verbally only) - ‘that sounds great it will be lovely to get some free time back to be able to create myself a new life. I’m looking forward to meeting new people and starting new hobbies. Are you thinking every other week?’

you may find if he thinks you are going to be out dating he will decide he would prefer to stop your plans by not helping you.

Not a word to the accountant before you have retained a solicitor.

They will advise you best on how to progress this.

You don't want to give them an early heads up.

Any request for information may be best from your solicitor.

The details you have relayed are truly shocking.

If you make a complaint against him, his golf club will no longer be his safe space.

He will be disgraced.

It is an odious crime.

When our DS was sick, I slept on his bedroom floor next to his cot to comfort him, as DH wouldn't let him sleep in our bed, so he had a huge bed to himself whilst me and our DS slept on a cold hard floor in the winter.
This has happened a few times

Reading this just made me feel so incredibly sad. I'm sorry, op.
You're much better off without this horrible, pathetic excuse for a human being.

While that sounds tempting (😄), it's probably to the OP's advantage if he gets a decent lawyer. First, because it will calm things down if everything is going through lawyers and also because they'll hopefully make it clear to him how tenuous his position is especially when it comes to the coercive control, so he's more likely to be reasonable in negotiating a settlement, as they'll know it won't look good if it goes to court.

@CaveMum
I don't know about this, but what a bloody good idea if it is true.
I will ask me friend re this.

@Scatterbrainbox
I am the primary carer for DS.
I work around his school timetable. DH was doing pick ups to help me with work, but informed me he would no longer be able to do this from the start of the new school year, so I am now back to doing drop off and pick up, so limiting my earning potential further yet again.
I do work some weekends, so DH has DS then.
I am sure there is something up with DH - Today he was home early (not unusual), and asked me what time I was picking DS up, as he was going to come with me! What planet is he on! Why on earth would I want him in the car with me. I seriously think he's got something wrong with him, or he's playing mind games, which will not work. Not any more.
That's good to hear re not sharing the child out, as I know he would definitely do this.
I would never, ever try to stop contact. Unless a man (or woman) is a danger to a child, I think it is atrocious to use a child as a pawn. It is important to me that DS maintains a good relationship with DH, but the 50/50 would not work for DS, not with his issues.

@UpaladderwatchingTV

Thank you, I honestly don't know how I would have got through this last couple of days without everyone's help, advice, and kind words. Made me cry a few times, but in a good way. Also, I read my story, and that makes me cry, as I feel so sad for that person and her child - Knowing it's me and my son.
I know I did the right thing in posting on here, because I feel better. DH had put so many doubts in my mind, I honestly wondered if it was all me, but seeing all of these responses just validates it isn't. Thank you.
If only they did!

Sorry, it was a telephone appointment for 30 minutes. They just haven't called, but I now take that as a sign that they're not up to much and I'll not bother with them.
I will see what the two others have to say tomorrow and let you know. DH is definitely out golfing, so I know I won't have to worry about him coming back in the middle of a telephone call.

@Fairymcclary

I will do this, it will be interesting to see what he says to this.
He's definitely the type to not want me to have a life after him.

That's made me remember something else (I need to get all this written down, but there's years of stuff to try and remember). We split up briefly a good while ago.
He was straight on a dating site the very same day. My friend alerted me.
He also went through a stage of chatting to women in chat rooms online too, on my pc! I actually removed the hard drive as he wouldn't stop, so he bought himself a computer! I asked him to choose, and he chose the chat rooms and I left, again.

I sound pathetic, reading what I am writing, if I saw someone write that I would be like, 'Are you actually out of your tiny mind?'
I should have stayed away the first time I left. I was way stronger back then.

@billy1966

I won't say anything to anyone until I've had legal advice and know exactly what to do and in which order.

Do you know, I didn't really see it all until I started to read it all back, which I've done a few times.
I am so mad with myself for being such a cretin and not seeing the wood for the trees for all this time.
I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently.

I've had a few things that have knocked me back, like losing my dad (who was like my best friend), I was seriously ill and nearly died, my mum is very ill and I am trying to look after her. Years have been consumed with these things. I think I would have left sooner if not for this chain of events.
I know everyone has crap happen to them, so it is no excuse at all, but the severity of the problems I've had have definitely stopped me acting sooner than I should have.

Unless he does something really shocking from hereon in, I don't know if I'd contact the golf club. He's said before he's contemplated suicide if he didn't have DS - I am not sure if that's him scaremongering or trying to control me, or if he means it. I do not know this man any more. I just couldn't live with myself if someone did that and I may have been in some way responsible.
It is probably a control thing, but I daren't risk it.

@ZickZack

It makes me sad too when I look back. I don't know anyone else who would do that to their wife and sick child.
It's not even an isolated incident, it's been every time DS has been sick and wanted some comfort.

@Goldbar

Will he tell his lawyers about coercive control though? I honestly think he has not a clue he's actually doing this.
He has a tendency to have to control everything in his life. I don't even think he realises. I'm not making excuses for him, because what he's done to me is awful, but I think he really has not a clue. I think he's in for a huge shock.
I think that's why he tells me I'll not get a thing, he's earned it so it belongs to him, that's the way he sees and believes it (Neanderthal that he is).
He thinks we don't need lawyers, but he would say that wouldn't he.

I don't like the idea of spending a fortune on legal fees, but I am not willing to let him walk away from this in the way he thinks he's going to be able to.

I'll update as soon as I've spoken to a lawyer, surely two in one day won't let me down, especially as one is good friends with mine!

Thanks again everyone, you honestly have no idea how much you're helping me xx

OP you’ve had lots of good advice on here. I honestly think you and DS will be happier in the long run. When you have a cosy cottage somewhere and you are free from this control.
Do you have a support network in the form of family and friends?