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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with a wedding invite I've received?

242 replies

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:08

We received a wedding invite via email the other day from DP's side of the family. They are Asian, so I’m not sure if this is ‘normal’ and accepted in their culture, but I’ve found the invite poorly worded and planned out. And I’m also a little miffed about the spelling errors 😑

The invite has no structured timings for the day. It only has a ‘guest arrival’ time, and states that food will be served afterwards. WTF does that mean? When does the wedding / ceremony actually start? How long after the ceremony will food be served (just thinking whether my children will be starving and if I need to plan for that.) I’ve been to another of of their family ‘events’ where the party was scheduled to at 7pm but we didn’t eat dinner until 11:20! My children were starving!!!

Three out of the 4 members of our family (DP and both children) had their names spelled wrong on the invite! My husband is close family with the bride and we see them fairly regularly!

The invite also mentioned ‘No Boxed Gifts’ which I felt to be quite rude and tacky. It’s widely known that everyone gives money as a gift in their culture (both the bride & groom) for weddings and special occasions. Does it really need to be specified on the invite like that?

When I was married wedding etiquette was quite a big deal. I ensured that everyone’s names were spelled correctly despite more than half being from an unfamiliar language / culture than mine. Sometimes I had to go through several other family members to get the correct spelling! And I made sure everyone knew the exact order of the day so that they knew exactly when and where they had to be.

Has etiquette changed significantly now? This side of the family are fairly well off and well educated. Most are lawyers, doctors, small business owners etc, so I'm really most annoyed about the spelling.

OP posts:
Fightyouforthatpie · 11/09/2023 11:11

Just don't go - polite reply - not coming.

MagpiePi · 11/09/2023 11:12

You probably shouldn’t go if you are so miffed that they haven’t arranged everything to your liking.

chantico · 11/09/2023 11:12

I don't like the "No Boxed Gifts" but they'll be having one print run for everyone, so that's probably why they included it.

They are assuming familiarity with the likely shape of the day. If DH does not know, and knowing things like food timings really is that important to you, then you need to enquire (or just take snacks for the DC in care anything happens to the expected timings and they really can't wait).

Agree that spelling your names wrongly is v poor show

WhateverMate · 11/09/2023 11:14

My husband is close family with the bride and we see them fairly regularly!

So you'll both be asking her the questions in your OP then.

SoRainbowRhythms · 11/09/2023 11:14

If it's bothering you that much just don't go.

ShellySarah · 11/09/2023 11:14

It doesn't sound as if you like them and your disdain is palpable.

Don't bother going. If they saw this post they probably wouldn't want you there.

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 11:15

you don't seem to like them. Why not use your words and ask them about timings? are your children even invited?

The "no boxed gifts" seems to be aimed at people who don't know how weddings work in that culture. I think you kind of fall into that category?

(whatever happened to the word "invitation"?)

Dillane · 11/09/2023 11:16

You don’t like them very much do you OP? Just decline their invite.

DatumTarum · 11/09/2023 11:16

Stick some snacks for the kids in your bag.

Chill out.

pavillion1 · 11/09/2023 11:16

yeah dont go OP , it doesnt sound like something you'll enjoy .

cocksstrideintheevening · 11/09/2023 11:18

No boxed gifts is money please without the awful 'it's your presence not your presents'...

I've never received a wedding invitation that has timings in it.

You don't like them do you?

MathsIsFab · 11/09/2023 11:18

OP just ask them about timings etc

if they don’t clarify further, it’s ok, that’s all they can do; just means it’s casual and probably not your style so best to decline

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 11/09/2023 11:18

Gosh, I can’t imagine how you’d feel if something genuinely bad happened given you are getting this would up over an invite. YABU.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 11/09/2023 11:19

It's an invitation not a summons. You don't have to go if you don't want to. You can politely decline the invitation and make some room for their B list.

If your husband is close with them and you see them regularly you can ask for specific timings.

Octonaut4Life · 11/09/2023 11:20

Honestly none of it sounds that bad? It's certainly not standard in my experience for invitations to include a full run down of timings for the day, depending on how far in advance the invitations are sent they may not even know yet. If you're worried you'll be hungry just take some snacks. And presumably the invites will be going to people who may not know the cultural etiquette around gifts so perfectly reasonable to include that. Okay it's annoying they spelled your names wrong but it's hardly worth getting this worked up about?

fairymary87 · 11/09/2023 11:20

Girl; this is Asian weddings for you. My fiancé is from a Pakistani Muslim family and his brothers wedding was just all over the place. It's just they way it goes down. There's 3/4 events depend on the cutler/religion. Most are evenings and yes the photos overrun and you eat about 9pm ish onwards. What have you been invited too? It's just different to English weddings. And yes it's diffident to what your used to, even we eat before or take snacks. It's just a new world for you to integrate into. There numbers will more likely be bigger than yours and you won't know who's do the invites as everyone tends to chip in. Best advice is try and not take it so personally. Either go and support them or don't. Sometimes we just go and show our faces. Then leave once food is served. Xxx

MargotBamborough · 11/09/2023 11:21

Either go and bring some emergency snacks for your kids, or politely decline. There's no point getting worked up about it. I don't think there is a way of saying "please don't get us a toaster" that won't offend anyone looking to be offended. I went to a wedding where the couple explicitly stated "no gifts please" on the invitation and there was still a pile of boxes in the corner from people who clearly felt they couldn't show up to a wedding without a gift. So I think a phrase which is code for "if you want to give us a gift please give us cash" is fine.

Privatelyliving · 11/09/2023 11:23

I think you're looking for reasons to be miffed TBH.

The gifts thing might be widely known in their culture but they're asking people from outside it.

I've never seen a wedding invitation that includes a schedule of the day.

Spelling should be right, but I don't think it's something you'd be so offended by if you liked them.

MasterBeth · 11/09/2023 11:23

Spelling names wrong is only rude if it's deliberate.

Everything else is a different way of doing things from a British wedding. Not incorrect, not disorganised, not tacky, not poorly planned. Just different.

Hbh17 · 11/09/2023 11:25

Come on, OP - you complain about spelling and grammar, and yet you keep using the word "invite" instead of "invitation" - I think that's a score draw, frankly. Just ask for more information, if you want it, otherwise I hope your husband goes and enjoys himself solo at the wedding.

ManateeFair · 11/09/2023 11:25

Good grief. You're 'annoyed' that a wedding invite isn't structured to your personal specification?

Honestly, if I was inviting you to a wedding I couldn't give a shit if your kids were a bit peckish by the time the food came out because the wedding isn't about them and their routine. They're not going to keel over and die if they eat a bit late. Stop being so prissy and go with the flow.

The last wedding invite I got - not from an Asian couple - simply told us what time to arrive at the venue and what time the evening do would be ending for the purposes of ordering taxis. As the whole thing was taking place at one venue (ceremony, reception, evening do) we didn't get, or expect, a full schedule of what was going to happen when. We just got told that things would be starting at 12pm. As it turned out, the ceremony itself was at 1.30pm, then there were drinks and canapes while the photos were being taken and I think we had a sit-down meal at about 3pm. There were barbecue-style snacks/buffet food served during the evening do at about 9pm I think, along with the wedding cake? Can't really recall because a) we'd had a few drinks and b) who cares?

You sound like you hate these people and can't wait to sneer at them. Just because you know it's standard for money to be given at Asian weddings, that doesn't mean all their other guests will know that, so the fact that you think it's 'tacky' is neither here nor there. Don't go if you're that bothered.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 11/09/2023 11:25

YABU.

And extremely ungracious. You just turn up to a wedding, you don't need a bloody schedule FGS, just chuck a couple of breakfast bars in your handbag for the kids and pack a pushchair if one of them naps.

If that's too hard, just politely decline.

WellPlaced · 11/09/2023 11:26

You are - HTH

CurlewKate · 11/09/2023 11:28

Maybe you shouldn't go. It'll be hard to hide your racism for all that time.

hittingtheshelves · 11/09/2023 11:28

I don't really understand why you're so bothered. Having an invite like that wouldn't bother me at all - it's nice they invited you.
Bring snacks for your kids just in case.
Oh, and who gives a stuff about wedding etiquette?!
Just go and have fun.