To think he's acting like a child?

[BlewJeanz]

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

I’ve seen all your updates, OP, and I really hope today feels all right for you. Xx

Well.
What a turn up for the books.

Well done you- I'm sorry it feels so shit. It will feel better.

You've had 4 years of the gaslighting arse ruining your life.

I can see where he's coming from- kind of- like a toddler that wants something they can't have and takes it out on you. He wants to play with the hot poker, and is sure he won't be burned, but meany ol' mummy has put the fire guard up so he can't. Nothing is as much fun as that nice, hot, glowing, red poker!

Thing is, it's testing when it's a toddler. In a man it's beyond unattractive.

What an arse.

What's this going to look like practically? You know you've done everything you possibly could to save your marriage. What do you need to do practically to end it?

You'll enjoy getting on with that, I bet.

Well done OP. Now stay strong and don't let him guilt trip his way back in. It doesn't sound like he has fibromyalgia to me. It sounds like he has selfish bastard syndrome.

RTFT, or at least the OP's posts! Things have moved on a bit.

He sounds fucking ridiculous.

Do NOT allow him to return.

He is a truly awful abusive man.

You need to get some counselling to figure out why on earth you have tolerated this bullshit for years.

You deserve so much better.

Please don't take him back.

His hysteria increased at your lack of response to it.

You are being used and manipulated by a disgusting man.

Start planning on the divorce.

This is no way to live.

You have good years ahead of you, don't waste them being used by a worthless cheater.

I haven’t read all the replies but I have read all your posts op.

I hope that when you wake up today you feel like a large weight has gone from you. Have a relaxing shower & plan your next steps.

My dh has a medical condition that does impact the family as it limits what we can do now but he fully acknowledges this and does everything he can to mitigate the affects. I suppose the difference is he is a decent human being and considers other people, a quality that your nasty h doesn’t have.

I just wanted you to know that there are decent people out there & how he has used his self inflicted problems against you is despicable.

Good luck with the rest of your life living without this unreasonable burden. 🤗

@BlewJeanz

There are a couple of threads on the relationship board that I think you should read, one is a veryblong running one with multiple threads about Polly and Geller. I will try to find links.

It's a very enlightening blow by blow account of leaving an abusive husband and all the drama that ensued. Just so you are prepared.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3997388-Last-week-I-told-DH-I-want-a-divorce

Here's the first thread.

I have just been reading all your posts. He’s guilt tripping you and well done for ignoring him. You need to think of a plan to move forward as life is too short to live like that.

Keep this thread as a reminder when he comes begging and crying and promising shit.

You deserve better than this. You are better than this .

I think the key thing is you need to arrange the plan the night before or first thing when you wake up. Then everyone is clear. I'm the same as you, would like all the chores done before I leave.

Ignore me, just seen the more recent posts.

OP, I'm afraid you need to prepare yourself for the full onslaught for a while of the medical dramas - suspected heart attack, cancer scare, the like - and possibly flying monkeys. (Also mine used to contact my YA (young adult) DC to get them to 'tell' me things, until they told him to get stuffed.) So you have to be primed and ready to grey rock it. Stay uninterested.

Because it's all a distraction ...

... a distraction from keeping your eyes on the prize - which is a successful extraction from the marriage with as much knowledge as you can about joint assets, accounts, pensions, housing needs, etc. Don't be bamboozled by the pity party. You have two YA kids with autism who, while over 18, need care; and I take it that it'll be you that's realistically expected to house and care for them for years to come, for the lion's share of the time? Get some paperwork together on this when you can, for your solicitor.

And oh yeah - get a solicitor.

Good luck for today A lot of us have been there. One day at a time.

How are you feeling about it today op?

Morning all.

I just feel a bit numb.

I ended up going on Tinder last night when I was pissed and woke up to lots of messages from weirdos with no tops on.

Typical me to make a joke in a bad situation.

I know my husband has treated me like shit for a while. I know he's got some sort of problem that makes him incapable of seeing that. Looking back, those characteristics were always there.

He didn't treat me badly ever before the affair, but he was always childish and selfish. Those things just manifested in benign ways.

What I honestly believe is that he's been deeply depressed for years, as a result of the affair and all the shame and guilt, and two things happened.

One is that he didn't have the strength of character for withstanding the consequences. He wanted his sweet, funny, easygoing wife that loved his bones back and he just couldn't accept that he'd destroyed her and self pity wasn't the route to get her back.

The second is that he turned his depression outwards, and became a cold, miserable, angry stranger that blamed everything around him instead of getting help he really needed.

I do think he's been psychologically abusive to me for a while now. His attitude has been that my anger and all the fights has ruined our marriage. He can't accept his affair caused that. He's desperate to shift blame off himself because he's not strong enough to bear it.

My husband is a weak man. I always knew that, and I was the strong one, and I loved him anyway. I was the one with all the strength and confidence and joy, and I showered that man in love.

He had to change if he had a hope of repairing all he broke, but he's not capable of change. I believe he's made himself physically ill. I believe the only way he'll ever stop being physically ill is if he finds the strength to get psychiatric help.

He rages and gets defensive because he's weak. Because he can't take the criticism. He's not strong enough to take responsibility. He's a person who takes the easy road and not the right road.

I really did love my husband, but I see the marriage is gone now. Its three months before the kids come home. So there's time to sort everything. I've started packing his things up.

I do feel sad, but I've felt sad for so long. I've been sad and lonely and in pain every day and it's a kind of heavy weighing sadness that made everything feel awful.

I loved having the kids home for summer. But I was crying a lot in the toilet. I felt like I was just pretending. I used to be such a completely happy person.

Also, I know my husband like the back of my hand. He will give me and the kids the house. He will make sure we are safe. Despite his behavior, he loves us. There won't be any ugly divorce. When he's not in the self defensive heat-of-the-moment, he knows all this is his fault. He knows how much pain he's caused me. He will not want to cause me any more.

He will definitely pull out all the histrionics to get me to take him back. There will definitely be health scares and tears and promises he can't keep. One of the things that made it so hard to leave is that I don't think he will cope well at all without me. Hence the guilt.

OP, I really hope you will realise that you deserve better than this odious little man.

The selfishness level required to feel pissed that your loving wife hasn't remained immune to an affair you had, despite taking you back, is fairly spectacular.

OP, get some counselling to find yourself again.

Your children and you deserve this.

"One of the things that made it so hard to leave is that I don't think he will cope well at all without me. Hence the guilt."

You can't feel guilty about something that's out of your control. What's happening is nothing to do with anything you have done. He's the one with the matches that's going round starting fires. You can't hang around that.

OP, the way I'm reading this, from your words, is:

You are strong, he is weak.

You love very fiercely and with candour. You genuinely believed that projecting your love onto him would give him the strength he needs. For a while, it worked.

He took that love, and enjoyed the feeling it gave him. However, simmering in the background, was a tragic truth: that instead of using the feeling to actually become a bit stronger and be a better man, he started to enjoy it as free validation of his existing weak character. When you, as a source of supply of free validation, were temporarily unavailable, he looked around for an alternative source. He got lazy.

But oh boy, does he need that supply. But you know already what the script will be, so that's good.

OP, I read your whole thread yesterday. I really feel for you finding yourself in this bizarre situation where you have acted with such generosity, compassion and loyalty towards your cheating husband and he has thrown it all back in your face.

I actually wasn't surprised when I read your update about his affair, suddenly that made everything make sense. He isn't a man struggling with the limitations of a chronic health condition - he is a common or garden cheater who has allowed his real self out and now cannot control himself sufficiently to go back to acting (somewhat more) decently as he did before. His selfishness now isn't primarily driven by his illness, it's simply more of an outpouring of the same selfishness that allowed him to justify having an affair to himself. It's like the lid's come off and he's lost all semblance of self control.

On that note I would prepare yourself for the possibility that he WILL be difficult with the house and finances - nothing about his behaving the past indicates that he puts you and your children first, and past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. Presumably there was a time that you didn't believe he'd ever have an affair either, so I'd hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Unfortunately what usually happens is they get nastier when they realise they've lost control of you, but there is lots of support available here and elsewhere to help you get through the difficult bit to the freedom on the other side. How does it feel not having him at home now?

Be prepared for him to initially say that he will give you the house etc, but down the line start to make things difficult. Lots of men say the generous thing, when they don't really believe it will actually happen. He'll be fully expecting you to take him back, because that is what has always happened - he cries and you get worried. That pattern is going to change now and he won't like it. So his behaviour may become unpredictable - the aim is to get you back in line.

Now is the time to move money from his reach that belongs to you - your savings, where you get your wages paid (if a joint account). If he's on your credit card as a second card holder, now is the time to cut that off. Basically protect yourself from him running amok with joint (or your) money and saddling you with any debt. Do the practical stuff, go through the finances and compile a comprehensive list of assets, pensions, investments.
Then lawyer up. You can go into this with the hope he will be reasonable but always protect yourself in the expectation that he ultimately won't.

I'm sorry it's gone this way OP.
Sometimes you just can't carry on papering over the cracks. I'm not sure that it's possible to ever fully recover from an affair - it breaks the relationship on a fundamental level. But there's certainly no chance of recovery unless the cheater takes full ownership of what they did and is genuinely sorry. All the time his perspective is on how miserable he is, rather than the damage caused to you, it's impossible.

If he wants to get out quicker he has the option of helping ffs

Good morning @BlewJeanz , are you at work today? You've been through an emotional mangle this weekend! It seems you've reached your absolute, past the point of no return limit. I hope you have emotional support from family and friends.

I can relate. I'm sure you've now cut off a phonecall or left a message unanswered, and felt empowered by your self preservation.

I knew this would be the case form your OP.

Dump the fucker. His disease is not your problem.

Can you imagine caring for the moany old git for the rest of his life?

Divorce him now.