To think he's acting like a child?

[BlewJeanz]

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

On this occasion you were wasting the day. However, that's not to say that the underlying resentment you feel towards him and this is unjustified. It's really hard living with someone who is ill.

I think you are doing too much OP and that is why you have snapped today

But you said you wanted to get showered leisurely. But instead of getting showered leisurely you changed bedding, cleaned the bathroom, spent an hour on the phone to a courier, got showered leisurely and then got pissed off at him because you think he's acting like a child. Maybe do things without each other instead of together if you disagree so much on time wasting vs non time wasting.

I'm with you op I would have lost it with dh aswell all this running about after him is pathetic because he's tired leave him to it and go about your day.

Ultimately I think this is a build up. I have a very hard job, autistic kids and a chronically ill husband. My preference is to get chores done on a Saturday morning, as well as have an hour to make myself look and feel good and to then have the rest of the weekend to relax.

For example go to the Fete feeling good, not with hairy legs and greasy hair. Be able to have a few Pimms and relax, rather than knowing I'm coming home to things to do.

He just wakes up every Saturday and has fuck all dp do but sit there complaining about basically everything while I run around like a nurse.

I was in the shower literally feeling my pulse racing because he made me feel like I was racing. He always does this. Always.

He frequently brings work home at the weekend and I never complain. I let him get on with his responsibilities and I don't sit there whining like a child that I'm not being entertained.

Not sure why he didn't peg the sheets etc while you showered and then you could get out earlier and enjoy the day Buggered if I would settle him with a sun lounger whilst I charged about like a demented thing doing chores.

He may be unwell but he really needs to help out. Can he really not hang washing out? Or sort out the delivery?

He sounds pathetic. What a turn off.

if daughter not able to sort the package because of health issues, could DH not have done that while you were getting on with the physical stuff like washing?

Exactly!!!! It took forever. I was messing around for ages going through all their contact methods. Getting hold of them was really stress. He was happy just to sit there with his book.

I think unless dh is doing his 50% of domestic chores he gets no say whatsoever in when said chores are done.
If he doesn’t like sitting around bored and wasting the day then he can do something to alleviate that for himself.
sounds to me like he’s using his disease to be emotionally dependent on OP too, making her responsible for running his and his children’s lives
she absolutely has a right to spend the day how she wants as a rule. If there is an event that they’ve previously agreed is a priory to be at certain place at certain time, sure, yes you do t. But it’s a frigging village fete - and on all day.

if dh doesn’t like op doing chores when she wants to , then he can bloody well pay for a cleaner. She’s doing him a favour and he appears to have forgotten that.

I don't think this is about the fete.

This is about your DH doing nothing round the house (whether that's legitimate or not, only you can say) and getting annoyed because, despite that, you won't do all the chores to his schedule.

So, I don't think YABU to be annoyed with him in general, but regarding today, I do see his point. It's a lovely day and you have the chance to go out child-free, but instead you wasted the morning cleaning the bathroom and sorting things out for a 20yo who no longer lives at home - neither of which was particularly urgent.

If your 20yo doesn't like speaking on the phone, I'm sure there was an option to use LiveChat or send an e-mail instead. Or, you could have asked him to deal with the courier while you sorted the bathroom (if you really felt it was necessary).

Long-term I think it might be worth looking at whether he can drop his hours to pick up more of the domestic side of things considering his health condition.

You should have asked him to do it.

But you said you wanted to get showered leisurely. But instead of getting showered leisurely you changed bedding, cleaned the bathroom, spent an hour on the phone to a courier, got showered leisurely and then got pissed off at him because you think he's acting like a child

I wanted to get ready leisurely. Instead I had to sort out a mixing box for an autistic child in a panic and I did the chores WHILST waiting for a call back. And my shower, when I eventually had it was with a racing pulse, only to get out and get shouted at.

There's only so many hours in a weekend and if x number of hours need to be spent doing housework and it's all on you, you get to pick when. Completely understand wanting to get it all done first so it's not hanging over you all weekend. I wouldn't want to go out for the day knowing my evening is going to be spent cleaning the bathroom.

He doesn't get it because it's not something he needs to consider as he knows you'll do it. If he wants to get out of the house quicker he needs to find ways to support you more.

He was massively ungrateful!

While I can understand that having a chronic health problem might mean he can't do many chores, I don't think it stops him seeing that you are doing his share.

If he misses a tiny bit of fun time while you do double chores, he can sucking it up with a smile on his face imo.

(I'm speaking as a partner if someone with a chronic health problem - I also hold the fort but I'd be raging if dp acted like this).

Maybe he was happy to let you sort it because he didn't feel like it was necessary for you to get involved at all.

Could your DD not have used LiveChat or another method to contact the company? I appreciate she's autistic (so am I) but she can't realistically expect you to just drop everything and help her all the time. What if you were already out when she called?

Yanbu. He should have left without you. But before that he could have made phone call for your daughter. Having fibromyalgia doesn't mean you cannot do anything. He was managing to go to the fete.

I’m with you, he could’ve helped, enabling both of you to be out earlier, or he could’ve gone alone, but helping is preferable always. Manchild. Next time absolutely no sun lounger either, it’s just enabling him.

On a day like that fete would come first, the world does not stop for chores

I have Fibro and CFS, I know the conditions vary widely person to person. But there’s just me. I have to change my own bed, wash my own sheets, shop and cook for myself, do then garden ( I grow mostly organic veg) Ok, I’m retired so I don’t have to get to work etc… but with pacing I get everything done.
Not moving makes fibro symptoms worse, it’s essential to move, rest, move rest throughout the day.
Your DH needs to read up on spoon theory. He could have dealt with the phone calls, I’m sure he can load a dishwasher and washing machine. He needs to work with the fibro and learning more about it will help him.

I think the person doing the chores gets to choose when to do them. OP, I'm with you, who wants to go out for a fun day in the sun and then come home to do the chores? Presumably you'll still have other jobs to do when you get back, cooking dinner etc.
He's being an arse.

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow

This is about your DH doing nothing round the house (whether that's legitimate or not, only you can say) and getting annoyed because, despite that, youwon't do all the chores to his schedule

Nail of the head.

Note we did try for ages to do live chat, WhatsApp and also downloaded the app and none of it worked so in the end we had to call. Its DDs first time going to uni on her own and I sent the package and had the details. We're parents. She needed support. It's that's simple.

I'm particularly stressed right now because we've just moved and the kids have been here with their friends and I wasn't unpacked or organised and I'm also autistic (mildly) and chaos makes me feel really stressed.

I feel like generally my DH is immensely selfish. The world really does revolve around him. His job. His illness. His needs.

I feel like I've just had enough and I'm going to go to the fete by myself and get drunk.

The marriage is probably shit anyway. All he does is gripe, whinge and think about himself. We don't have sex anymore because he's too sick or tired (maybe he just doesn't want to).

Come to think of it EVEN sex is on his timetable. He wants it in the morning. I HATE morning sex. My mouth is dry, I feel a mess, I'm sleepy. I prefer it in the evening but no one cares. Last time we had sex on my timetable was probably over a year ago.

OP I think you are doing so much for so many and sounds like you have very little time for yourself.

No real solutions but wanted to acknowledge that are can absolutely understand how you feel.

Are you me in a parallel universe? I have a 21 year old son with autism and a husband with Polymyalgia (PMR). I find myself running around after them more than I really want to because either H is having a bad day and is asleep, or because DS could do it himself, but it takes me twice as long to then sort out the ensuing chaos.

The way I cope is I stay on top of what, for me, are the important chores and DH does the less important ones, that can wait. DS has to keep his room tidy, bring down his dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and do his personal laundry when instructed.

If I don't mentally prioritise, I get into a bit of a panic and can't see the wood for the trees. Which is how I think you were this morning.

My first biggie is laundry. I try to put a load on before I go to bed, then hang it out when I get up, then iron it in the evening and put it away when I go to bed . If I do this, then I keep on top of the laundry and it takes 30 - 40 mins in total.

My second biggie is general tidyness. I try to have a whizz round when I get up - it takes DS up to an hour to loosen up enough to get out of bed some mornings, so it's an ideal time to do it - and return stuff to its proper place. There is a plastic box in each room that I can chuck random stuff in to sort out later, so it's kind of where DH left it, but not cluttering the place up.

So I completely get where you were coming from this morning. Running around trying to do stuff for DH, aware that he doesnt always have good days, and also trying to help an adult dependent do stuff that others can do, but that they struggle with.

So yes, you could have left what you were doing and gone and enjoyed a good day with DH. But I also think your DH should have cut you some slack as his condition probably means you carry more of the day-to-day load, and it gets too much sometimes. He should have seen that you were feeling a bit overloaded and sorted the package out himself - he could do that whilst sitting in the sun, thus allowing you to get some washing on. PMR is a horrible thing and I try to make my DH's life as pain free as possible, but it doesn't make him incapable.

Maybe I'm being awful but if he can work full time and go out early every weekend it sounds like he could pitch in more with the chores,

The thing is, that if I'd gone out knowing I was coning home to beds to change and leaving my daughter troubled, I wouldn't have enjoyed myself.

I just wanted to enjoy myself.

I am a person too.