To think he's acting like a child?

[BlewJeanz]

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

OP when you finally leave him, can you please post on here and I will have a celebration for you.

I like the sound of you and want you to be free of this drain on life.

You can't fix this lovely, nor should you want to. He's an utter prick and you don't have to live this way.
All your problems would be fixed if you just divorced this selfish cock!

Can I just give you one piece of advice? If you divorce this man (it really sounds like you’d be a lot happier without him) please don’t fool yourself into thinking you can negotiate any financial settlements between yourselves. It will never work as he will always be the victim and blame you. Get all the financial information, see a solicitor to see what is fair, try to attend mediation (you have to for court) and then apply to court straight away. Takes about 6 months. You can represent yourself so only costs £275. Don’t waste years of your life on this man. Just get it done quick and move on. I wish I had.

Sorry if this is a little too much but it is so draining trying to appease someone who sees themself as the victim. He will not think about you. He will not think about the kids. Put yourself as number 1. Good luck.

This is very good advice.

I guarantee you, your life will be a lot more peaceful without him in it.

Sounds like it's an accumulation of things? Was the fete this weekend he wanted to do, maybe something last week and will be something next week. I understand he's bored, but if he can do the fete he can do a few chores too. What he fails to realise is that because he does nothing, the weekend you have to do chores or you'll be running around into the evening.

Maybe you could carve out a certain day to do certain things and I'd certainly look into getting a cleaner who also does sheets etc.

I'd also start giving him things that require zero physical effort, such as sorted the parcel for your DD. He could also do all the house and life admin

I've changed my answer after reading the updates.

Fuck him! Well done telling him you want a divorce. Just think, by next summer you can be free of him and his self pity and could go the fete when you want to, after a leisurely shower and no shouting!

@WhereDidTheGoodTimesGo

I'd be tempted to say "You know what, you're right. Best we divorce ASAP, you move out, and then you can fuck offrecover

That's literally what I replied

He continued whining about how HE needs peace and stability for his illness. I again replied "fuck off"

And (prepare for the sick part) he started telling me the "state I've been in" has caused his illness. Im not making this up. Yes. Me being devastated that my husband was fucking another woman has been really damaging FOR HIM.

Then he started blethering on about the holiday were due to go on and that I was going to spoil it because I'm not meeting his needs to kiss his arse at all times.

And I stayed in the garden on rum number 5. And he followed me out to say the conflict was upsetting HIM and making him sick and all he did was everything for everyone else (he does fuck all for anyone buy himself) and why couldn't HE GET SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE.

I LITERALLY wabted two fucking hours so I could go out not feeling stressed.

I suspect my husband might actually just be a cunt. And that's hard to say because I honestly really loved him, but I genuinely feel he's been feeling sorry for himself all this time.

Poor him.

His wife doesn't think the sun shines out of his arse anymore.

Zero accountability.

It's funny, but honestly when someone has an affair you see them in a different way.

I genuinely thought so much of him, thought he was a "good man" and there were so many excuses and explanations.

But all this time he's taken no meaningful accountability. His life became very stressful due to his choices and thats everyone's fault but his.

Maybe me wanting to leave a bit later today is a smoke thing, but it's a symptom. A symptom of a grown man who's so astronomically selfish that the mere idea of me doing something that doesn't suit what he fancies at that precise moment induces a tantrum.

A man who watches me run around after everyone after all he's done, and instead of being kind, decides to make it all about him as usual.

A man who sees me crying in the garden and his first instinct is to tell me how it's making him feel bad and to try and blame me for the chaos his own cheating caused.

He's not a good man.

Or if he is, he's a very fucked up man.

And I'm very kind. All the crying and begging and clinging to my legs tugged my heart strings. I felt bad for him. I felt bad he had to change the job he loved. I felt bad that he had so much self loathing. I felt bad that he was so sick (fibromyalgia is HORRIBLE and he also had a stroke). Fuck me, I somehow even felt bad for the woman he had an affair with because she kept crying!

I feel like no one has ever felt bad for me.

I feel like the only grown adult in the room.

We just moved house for a fresh start and after four years of tears and pain and chaos all I fucking wanted was clean sheets and to do my hair and have a nice afternoon.

I honestly think he's been miserable since he stopped having the affair. I think she kissed his arse and did everything he wanted and I think he loved it.

Chronic illness can make you somewhat self involved but my goodness me he takes the biscuit.
Your children are at uni; when you are good and ready, please do the paperwork and separate yourself from this giant leach pretending to be your life partner. I can assure you life is a lot more enjoyable on the other side.

Fibromyalgia is not an excuse to make everyone around you miserable. I have had this (FM) for over 20 years , worked full time, busy career and home. You just have to suck it up and get on with life. In my opinion for what it’s worth you need to LTB and let him wallow in self pity. OP is entitled to some happiness.

Print this out and read it daily until it's over. You deserve more. You deserve everything.

I think you just ran out of spoons, and not before time.

Seperate from this evening. Move him into your daughters room, or mo be yourself.
From now on shop, cook, wash and clean only for you.

see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce process

good luck. He is a total idiot

I feel bad for you OP, for what it’s worth. And I’m proud of you for telling it to him straight, because honestly, your life will be SO MUCH better without him in it! Wish I had your courage tbh x

Yuck. It sounds like all your kids have left home (?) and like the only thing he is contributing to the marriage is fucking misery. Is there any reason to stay? Sounds like you’d be a lot happier on your own and honestly, you deserve it. Let him be miserable by himself or run back to his affair partner, honestly it doesn’t have to be your problem. Time to start living your life for you.

Make this make sense
Please don’t waste your energy on trying to make sense of the incomprehensible.

Life on the other side is fresh and clean and wonderfully liberating. Yes it hurts like hell in the beginning and there will be times you doubt yourself. Read this thread back during those moments of weakness because the freedom once it is done is honestly so so worth it.

Oh OP, life is too short. To say you took him back after the affair and this is how he treats you ... don't waste another day on that awful man. You deserve a happier life for yourself rather than dealing with this misery every day. Speak to a divorce lawyer on Monday.

I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but I'm on your side.

You are an amazing woman, you've done more than anyone could begin to expect of you regarding making this marriage work.

Why should it always be down to you? Why is his happiness your responsibility?

Time to put YOU as a priority, and to treat yourself with the compassion, love and care you deserve.

He can fuckity fuck the fuck off.

Ooh I've been trying to work out/articúlate why I find my mother's constant 'helping' so stressful and you've really nailed it to a tee!

Please don’t waste another day with this self centred man child. You deserve so much more

Well i for one think you are a saint and not being unreasonable in the slightest!

Well.

I drank about 7 rums (I'm a lightweight) and he wouldn't stop pushing me. He kept just trying to blame me for him being sick. I have reached a point where I just didn't give a fuck. I knew he was being cruel, and it didn't matter anymore.

He screamed at me. A LOT. He called me a fucking moron. He said he couldn't "cope with me anymore". I told him to pack his bags and fuck off. I just sat there, like a stone. He screamed, he gaslit me, he slammed doors, he gripped his head and said that I caused his last stroke and was going to be responsible for another one.

I sat in silence with tears streaming. He got more and more irate. Gripping his chest, hyperventilating. Acting like he was going insane. Begging. Asking me to just be nice to him. Saying he couldn't cope.

He was genuinely hysterical. And previously I'd have been panicking in case he had another stroke and this time I just thought "its his choice"

All of this really has been his choice. He had stability and love and peacefulness. He decided to destroy it, and he's decided to be a complete arsehole ever since.

I can't control that. Couldn't control any of it.

He left 10 minutes ago in a taxi.

I'm sitting in the dark with a rum.

Well done. I raise my glass of wine to you. Well done indeed

👏👏👏 Well done you!

I think what your lacking is some honest communication. Whilst your in bed in the morning have a conversation what time do you want to go to the fete today. I have a few chores to do shall we go mid morning and I will do them when I get back or do you fancy a lazy morning and I will get them out of the way. Or say your preference and see what he says. Communicate and compromise and that's both of you.