To think he's acting like a child?

[BlewJeanz]

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

You do sound a bit of a fun sponge TBH. Hottest day of the year and you’re making a “healthy” cooked breakfast and choosing today to wash your only set of bedsheets etc.

And if your daughter is at uni she should be perfectly capable of sourcing emergency cookware.

I never brought up you sorting the phone call because my DD is autistic and my other DD has anxiety, which makes her come across as rude, so I do that. I think that he's not doing what he could tbh. If he can cope with bringing work home, he could have done the phone call. Going forward it would be better to spell out to him what needs to be done and what time you can go out etc. Unpacking the house needs to be the next priority and he needs to plan out how he can help, even if annual leave is used. Is he on a small steps type program, does he look after his health in every other way?

I’d be telling him every single time he has a go at me doing all the chores he doesn’t do, all joint plans for the day are canceled. I’d go to the fete, but not with him.
I don’t think you have to tiptoe around the fact he has fibromyalgia and not mention all the work you do to be sensitive if he’s going to be an asshole about exactly the same topic- all the work you do.

Tell me that you don't understand autism without telling me that you don't understand autism.

It sounds like the two of you are locked into a toxic spiral tbh. He feels embarrassed and frustrated that he can't contribute equally because of his fibro, you martyr yourself passive-aggressively and treat him like a child rather than someone with an illness, he sees you making more of things than is necessary and wasting the day on them, you snipe back that he has no say in how the day goes because he's on his arse while you're slaving away... it all sounds miserable for you both.

Some family therapy might be a good idea. You're both angry and not listening.

I agree with him on this. You wasted the day by faffing around doing non urgent jobs that will never go away.

I can see your point, but why did all this take 4 hours?

From DH's point of view, that definitely seems like faffing.

Yes he could have helped, however if he is known not to help or use his initiative then unfortunately he's not going to suddenly take over doing things unless he's told what to do.

In situations like this you need to communicate to him what you need help with, explain that once these things are done then you can both go out. It may seem like talking to a toddler but some people can't think for themselves when it comes to stuff around the house.

I understand that we get caught up in doing things, we have a million things going on in our head, we have some sort of plan of action, we can even slot in the extra things that happen unexpectedly, but unless we share these things, no one knows what we're wanting to happen and we get stressed.

I've a big family, things take time, it doesn't matter how much I organise the night before I can still get stressed and be running around at the last minute while everyone else has showered, got ready and are sitting waiting for me, then of course as we are about to leave dh or someone always wants to use the toilet, even though they've been sitting waiting and I end up sweating and in bad form.

And as for autistic dd, able to move out and live away for university, 20 years old, but can't think to herself, "hmm, this box hasn't turned up and I need a frying pan, how can I source one in the next 30 minutes?"

That was a non-urgent issue. It could have waited for tomorrow or Monday.

He feels embarrassed and frustrated that he can't contribute equally because of his fibro

I don't think he does at all. I think he's so selfish that he's only concerned with himself.

In fact he's texting me now about how hard he works and how much he needs his relaxing time. He literally expects me to jump when he snaps his fingers.

And to add on top of that, he's now guilt tripping me that I've raised his blood pressure and if he gets sick and can't work it'll apparently be MY fault.

Yes me.

You should definitely go out without him.

I hear you OP and you’re not being unreasonable. If you are stuck doing the vast majority of the chores, he doesn’t get to dictate when you do them. And I struggle to believe he wasn’t able to do anything to help out so the chores were done quicker, even if it was the less physical ones.

Rather than having a tantrum, he could have told you what he could manage so everything was done quicker and you could go out.

That's just ignorant, I'm afraid. You'll find Oxbridge is full of autistic people who are brilliant at their subjects but need significant support with various aspects of everyday life. The level of understanding of autism in the general population is lamentable.

I think your daughter is old enough, and if she is living away from home, capable enough to sort her own cookware package out. Can't she just go to a shop?

You also didn't need to do the bathroom and generally do seem to be faffing around and wasting the day.

@zingally

She doesn't have plates, cutlery, pans, or anything to cook with and we don't have money to buy those things again.

Her shopping was delivered yesterday.

Thus is very stressful for an autistic 20 year old who's just arrived in a new place.

You sound resentful. He sounds controlling. Have you always done everything even before he was unwell? If so then you're a bit of a martyr. Rushing around in this weather would make anyones pulse race. You need to prioritise.

I would tell him to fuck off as you need time to yourself AS WELL!

He needs to have responsibilities for the house and helping the DC too - he can do ALL the non-physical stuff and does already presumably?? Meal planning, food shop for delivery, phone calls, bills, making appointments etc??

I have a DD14 with ADHD and ASD, I totally get you having to sort that out for her.

What I really don't get is why your DH treats you like you are his support human.

He definitely is acting like a man child. I couldn't be with someone like that. I'd get the permanent ick.

Before he was unwell he did half the chores.

He was also not snappy or mean.

But he was always immensely selfish. The world always revolved around him.

I’m with you, OP. When I was working, the chores would build up during the week and really weigh on me. Being able to whirlwind my way around and get them out of the way was such a relief. Then I could relax , but only then.

@Medlady that's exactly it. I can't relax, and I really just wanted an enjoyable afternoon. I feel completely invisible.

And he's so ungrateful

I agree.

It almost sounds like you were intentionally wasting time so you couldn’t go to the fate.

You say you wanted a shower and to slowly get ready but then you spent time cleaning the bathroom etc which could have been done another time.

It sounds as though you were being passive aggressive.

However, he should have gone to the fate on his own and you joined him later on.

Why did you have to go together?

I think his illness is a bit of a cop out tbh.

I understand there are different versions of the illness but my friend has it and lives alone and does all of the cooking/housework by herself.

I’m sure he could shove some clothes from the laundry basket and put it in the washing machine.

I have Fibro and a limited opportunity to go out and enjoy things. If we were going to the fair it would need to be this morning before it got hot and before I got tired.

You know the spoons theory? We have to get really focused on prioritising if we are going to get by. You clearly prioritise differently, but his way isn't wrong. He didn't want to sit on the sun lounger.

DH sometimes makes me feel like a child when he 'puts the tv on for me' because he's busy. It smacks of 'stay out of my hair, there's a dear'.

It isn't about the fete.

You sound unhappy in general.

He sounds ungrateful and selfish.

What would life be like if you separated OP? Do you love him? It doesn't sound like you have a lot of joy in your life.

Why didn’t he just leave when he was ready? That would have stopped you feeling the pressure to go and he didn’t have to wait around. It didn’t have to be a huge drama.