To think he's acting like a child?

[BlewJeanz]

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book.
Is he 3? he has the energy to go to a fete yet you're running about like a blue arsed fly after him and round the house. Seems his exhaustion is optional.

No OP. You are not unreasonable. If my DH wants to do something, he needs to communicate it in advance. For example, 'on Sat I fancy going to the fete at 10am etc... ' then it becomes some sort of discussion where we both know what the other wants / needs etc.

If he doesn't do this then tough shit, I decide if I want to be flexible to accommodate. No temper tantrums needed. And he knows this. We also have a shared calender via Google and we put the outcome of the discussions there, so there is no denial/ wiggle room. Also it means no changing plans for a better offer unless we both agree.

So I would say sit him down and outline this calmly, if he gets stroppy again you need to believe and accept that he is an unpleasant/ selfish human being.

Yes I thought the same. If you are too exhausted to fetch a chair from the garage or pick up a phone. How can you summon the energy to go to a fete? Pretty sure a 20 year old (autistic or not) who can cope with uni should start doing her own life admin too.

I think if he has enough energy to want to get up and out every weekend ... then he has enough energy to empty the washing to peg out or call the courier or spray the bathroom

Stop being a martyr and get him to pull his finger out

Your children are grown and out of the house. You're at one of life's transition points.

Do you want to be a carer for this man for the foreseeable future?

You sound burnt out and like you've disappeared taking care of everyone else. Consciously or subconsciously you're aware that without your DH you would be free of caring responsibilities now, and able to please yourself and prioritise your own needs and health.

He should have called the courier company. If he's not contributing I agree it's not for him to stipulate the schedule. If he's well enough to work full time and then frolic off to a fete on the weekend then I query whether he's incapable of doing laundry or making a bed.

I accept spoon theory and why he would rather spend his energy at the fair but surely he should also spend some spoons contributing to his household and showing gratitude towards his wife. When energy is so finite it shows pretty clearly that you're low in his list of priorities that he doesn't spend some of it supporting you.

I'd be considering my options if I was you OP.

Stop being a martyr. You could have delegated the courier phone call to your bloke and washed one set of sheets that would dry in five minutes today - it’s scorchio. The bathroom won’t be any dirtier tomorrow.

I think if he has enough energy to want to get up and out every weekend ... then he has enough energy to empty the washing to peg out or call the courier or spray the bathroom

Well, exactly. He's obviously not struggling that much - especially if he can also hold down a full-time job.

I dont think I really want to be married anymore

Think it's fair enough to tell him that. I mean, at the very least he needs to work on communication together so everyone's needs are met not just his.

I don't blame you. He sounds selfish and lazy.

And he shouted at OP.

I'd want out as well.

Hmmmm I can see why your DH was frustrated. I can't stand faffing about and wasting good weather either.

However, as someone who suffers with fibromyalgia and FND, and quite severely of late, I am able to assist with all of the chores you mentioned. I pace myself. I don't see it as an excuse not to contribute completely. Sure there are days I find things harder but I would never expect my DH to completely run round after me. I value the independence I have.

Tell him to fuck off. What a twat. Switch your phone off. Go and enjoy yourself, have a drink and relax. Then, when you feel better, talk to him and set some boundaries. Yes, he may be ill, but something needs to change. Illness doesn't mean you can be an arse.

He is selfish. I would rather be single.

I would do the same as you as a mum.

All these shit partners around. I couldn’t sit around watching anyone run themselves ragged without saying thank you or offering to help in some way. Even a stranger. It’s called being a decent person.

I don’t blame you.

Totally agree!!

Sounds like you are heading for burn out . This is not healthy for you , whether you were faffing or not isn’t the issue . The problem lies with you doing everything for everyone . Maybe time away by yourself to regroup and figure out where you want to go from here? Be up front about why you are doing it and how worried you are about your own physical and mental health .

I have a neurological condition that causes fatigue. Yesterday I scrubbed the shower, did laundry, etc. My husband also has health issues but he was right there alongside me emptying the dishwasher, preparing dinner, etc.

Your husband is using his illness as an excuse to do nothing except gripe. If he was well enough to go to a fete he was well enough to help out around the house.

You need to tell him exactly how you feel without mincing words. Even with fibromyalgia, he can contribute more to the household workload. If he won't adjust his attitude, you have decisions to make.

He gave himself fibromyalgia.

And he blames life.

He doesn't have enough of anything.

It's like a 24/7 pity party.

It sounds like a barrel of laughs at your house. I don’t think I could be bothered with either one of you, the whining man baby or the passive aggressive martyr.

Martyrs are so dull🙄

Surely if he can go to the here he can help with the chores?

Im sorry if I sound mean.

He developed fibromyalgia four years ago, due to stress caused by him having an affair with a girl at work while I was away for a few months settling our youngest (also autistic) into university.

He was lonely, so being a selfish cunt decided to have his needs met.

The stress of it all afterwards gave him the fibromyalgia. He was nothing like this before.

And ever since then all he's done is complain. 24/7 pity party interspersed with tiny bursts of maybe realising it might be actually me who's the victim.

He made himself sick with stress by being a selfish cunt, and now his illness gives him less capacity to deal with normal life; all he does is whinge and gripe that he's not satisfied.

So I suppose I'm a carer for my husband, who needs a carer, because he cheated. And so I expect some gratitude. Actually I expect a lot.

The marriage is over really.

I only stay out of guilt. Guilt for what? I don't know. I feel like he needs me. Probably because he really is a man child.

I just went to the fete and thought about how different my life might have been. Now I'm drinking a rum in the garden.

He's busy feeling sorry for himself, which he's a professional at.

Good god what an update!!!
He has fibro because of the stress is an affair?? I've heard it all now.
Divorce time, he is a massive cunt.

As you are the one with the domestic and mental load I think it's entirely up to you how you manage your day

And if your husband doesn't like it he can go on his own.

Though does his fybro stop him ringing the courier? Why couldn't he help?