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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's acting like a child?

203 replies

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:16

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

OP posts:
RainbowConnection1 · 09/09/2023 20:12

Block his number, you know he'll start send abusive messages soon. Either that or start begging to come back. Block his number at least for tonight and tomorrow so you have room to breathe without being berated by him.

Banrion · 09/09/2023 20:19

Change the locks now!

Vallmo47 · 09/09/2023 20:29

It sounds like you’re at the end of your tether OP and I completely understand your frustration. It’s a lot. If I were you, the second time he mentioned leaving I’d personally have sent him on his way, because that’s just more stressful for you.
In future I would also explain to him that whatever plans we’ve got the following day, I do have quite a lot of housework to get through first so the plan is not to leave until after lunch. I’d exaggerate this time slightly if something unforeseen happened. That way he knows what to expect and if he then still starts, I’d tell him to go on without me.

Vallmo47 · 09/09/2023 20:34

I’m sorry OP, I have now read all your updates and clearly this marriage is over. I’m sorry you’ve had to sit through all of that and I hope you have good support. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 20:40

I've just had enough.

I don’t really feel like I ever exist anymore.

I can't actually remember what it felt like not to feel bad.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 09/09/2023 20:50

This will feel like an unbelievable relief one day, just try to take it one step at a time. Your time will be yours again.

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 20:57

Will it?

Four years of this cunt basically acting like he's miserable to not be having an affair anymore

OP posts:
bookflea · 09/09/2023 20:58

Well done. But stop drinking rum now and try to sleep knowing you’ve done the right decision.

bookflea · 09/09/2023 21:02

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 20:57

Will it?

Four years of this cunt basically acting like he's miserable to not be having an affair anymore

I don’t know how you did it tbh. Enough is enough.

Isthisit22 · 09/09/2023 21:09

Well done. You have done the right thing and have taken a step towards a happier life.
He will crawl back, begging etc because he needs you to be his slave, please be strong and don’t take him back. You deserve so much more.

Tiredmum100 · 09/09/2023 21:12

Enough's Enough. Life is too short to be stuck in a miserable marriage. Good luck for the future OP. You will be fine!!

SunRainStorm · 09/09/2023 21:13

Good for you OP.

Stop drinking rum, have some water and paracetamol and then go to bed. Enjoy the clean sheets and having the bed to yourself.

Have a leisurely shower in the morning and enjoy the rest of your life on your own terms.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/09/2023 21:26

So I'm very late to this thread and I'm so sorry for the awful day you've had, and in fact the awful four years. I just want you to know what it's supposed to be like when one partner is disabled by a chronic condition. I have EDS and am a wheelchair user. My husband has had to do a lot of looking after me over the years, but my disability is something that happened to both of us. We're a team. He does the things I can't do, and I make sure I do the things I can to take some of the weight of of him. He does a lot of carrying and fetching, and I take most of the mental load of planning food and keeping track of kids school stuff and playdates etc. I also support him in going away for a weekend a couple of times a year with his friends. It's good for him to have a break from being a carer, just because I can't get away from the wheelchair doesn't mean he shouldn't.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know the way it should be because when you've been gaslighted the way you have you start your own understanding. Disability and/or chronic illness does not excuse treating someone else badly. It's not uncommon however. When I first became disabled I spent a lot of time on disability forums and I was shocked at how selfish some people were. Lots of complaining that they're the one who's disabled and not a thought for how their partner was feeling. And then when they'd been left they'd believe it was because they were disabled and their partner was the villain who had abandoned them, as opposed to the fact that they'd been incredibly selfish and didn't seem to view their partner as anything other than someone to serve their needs. I don't do disability forums any more, largely because of this (and also because of all the one upmanship about who is worse, disability is extremely competitive for some people!).

You are important and your needs matter just as much as anyone else's. Be kind to yourself.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/09/2023 21:27

Start to doubt your own understanding that was supposed to say. Apologies for the insufficient paragraph breaks.

neverbeenskiing · 09/09/2023 21:50

You've done the right thing.

Get some sleep now, and prepare for him to up the ante with his theatrics. He is likely to claim that his health has suddenly deteriorated further, or threaten to harm himself.

Do not fall for it.

Whatever happens in his life from this point on is a result of his own choices. You are not responsible for any of it.

Remember, he is the one who chose to blow up your marraige by cheating. Then when he got caught, instead of thanking his lucky stars that you stood by him and resolving to be a better Husband, he doubled down by refusing to take responsibility and using his health issues as an excuse to mistreat you.

You will be so much happier once you're rid of him.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/09/2023 22:27

Well done. He is a selfish man child. Without him, you get your life back

itsmylife7 · 09/09/2023 22:41

He doesn't deserve you OP.

He should be worshiping you not treating you like dirt.

Scatterbrainbox · 09/09/2023 22:55

If he's got the energy to be going out and about at the weekend I'm sure he could pick up some light housework...

Pigglesworth · 09/09/2023 23:06

You've made the right decision and been very strong. He sounds like an absolute idiot. Don't let him weasel his way back in. He can look after himself now. And I am sure that when forced to, he will find that he has greater capacity.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2023 23:15

I think that's a success! He's fucked off! Well done!

Tomorrow is the first day without his bullshit.

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 00:51

Oh. My. God. I’m so glad he’s left, now how to stop him coming back? You need to go to bed, but in the morning step 1 is get all of his things out of your bedroom, and start planning the divorce.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 10/09/2023 05:37

Hope you got some sleep last night. What a day you had. Your H certainly seems to have plenty of energy to be horrible to you. I am amazed you have put up with him with him so long. I expect he is going to develop all kinds of health problems as a result of the separation. Just remember it is not your responsibility and YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO! You matter and you deserve so much more than to care for this nasty man for the rest of your life.

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 06:22

OP, fete aside, your DH sounds like a pile of shit. He's too ill to do any housework but can still work, demand sex on his terms and manage a full day out on the weekend?! I think you're being taken for a ride to some degree (as a PP with a similar illness said, she can still manage her household chores).

You sound done and he sounds like he's draining the life and joy out of you.

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 06:28

Just seen your updates. Hope you're ok xx

blendedfamly · 10/09/2023 06:34

I would have wanted to go earlier as A, things like that are generally better first thing as less people tend to be there later, and B, hottest part of the day is 12-3 so it made more sense to go earlier.

If we had a plan and Dh decided to faff about for several hours I would be annoyed too.

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