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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's acting like a child?

203 replies

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:16

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 14:53

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 14:50

Im sorry if I sound mean.

He developed fibromyalgia four years ago, due to stress caused by him having an affair with a girl at work while I was away for a few months settling our youngest (also autistic) into university.

He was lonely, so being a selfish cunt decided to have his needs met.

The stress of it all afterwards gave him the fibromyalgia. He was nothing like this before.

And ever since then all he's done is complain. 24/7 pity party interspersed with tiny bursts of maybe realising it might be actually me who's the victim.

He made himself sick with stress by being a selfish cunt, and now his illness gives him less capacity to deal with normal life; all he does is whinge and gripe that he's not satisfied.

So I suppose I'm a carer for my husband, who needs a carer, because he cheated. And so I expect some gratitude. Actually I expect a lot.

The marriage is over really.

I only stay out of guilt. Guilt for what? I don't know. I feel like he needs me. Probably because he really is a man child.

I just went to the fete and thought about how different my life might have been. Now I'm drinking a rum in the garden.

He's busy feeling sorry for himself, which he's a professional at.

Lose the guilt and the man-child

RandomMess · 09/09/2023 14:59

Don't stay married out of guilt, having an affair and being caught hasn't given him the epiphany of being a decent husband has it?

pickledandpuzzled · 09/09/2023 15:00

Gracious. What an awful update. Thing is, after what he did you are unlikely to feel at all tolerant of his needs, and why should you be?

His needs are his problem. Yours is how you organise your life going forward.

You can change things, you really can.

AutumnCrow · 09/09/2023 15:04

OP, if he did all that to you, and you are still running around him, and he shouts at you, and yet you are the one feeling guilty - he's some sort of bloody sociopathic type.

Don't go to counselling with him. Start preparing the financial information you need (mortgage, equity, pensions, bank accounts etc), and see a solicitor. Take your time, get it right. You don't even need a particular reason to divorce. You, however, have many. The ball's in your court.

The main consideration is that after a reasonably long marriage you will both need to be 'adequately housed'. You might be slightly better off as you have two YA (young adult) daughters with ASD for whom you still provide support and who will still need to spend a lot of time under your roof during holidays, weekends, post-university, etc - certainly much more than with the dad who made himself ill through shagging someone else.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:05

Yes, he got fibro from the stress of his affair.

And feeling angry and sorry for himself that he had to change job after (she was a colleague).

I don't think he doesn't help because he's too sick. I think he doesn't help because literally all he cares about is himself.

He wakes up amd decides what he needs and if the world doesn't provide it, he feels entitled to a tantrum.

He just came to speak to me and I said all I needed was a couple of hours to do my chores so I could relax. He started shouting (VERY loudly) "But I needed to relax"

I said, "well who wins then? If I have to do my chores to feel relaxed and you physically can't wait two hours without being a complete cunt?"

He screamed at me "I AM MISERABLE"

And I said "yes, you have been since you stuck your dick in that redhead cunt"

Then he screamed and started slamming doors and I walked out.

So I suppose this marriage is dead.

I'm just sitting in the garden drinking a rum wondering what it might be like to not live like this.

Basically everything ticks along in our marriage nicely, unless I don't deliver on his every need. If I don't, he'll fuck someone else or scream at me.

That's basically the rules.

In his head he's completely the victim.

I honestly think there's something wrong with him. Psychologically since the affair he's been pretty deranged to be honest.

OP posts:
Palmtreesinwinter · 09/09/2023 15:06

That's quite the drip feed! Here's my first ever LTB

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:08

@pickledandpuzzled

Thing is, after what he did you are unlikely to feel at all tolerant of his needs, and why should you be?

The thing that makes me so angry is that I am. He comes first. I have adjusted my life to fit around his illness and I'm not resentful or bitter. I was completely generous.

That's why it made me raging that ONE FUCKING DAY I just want to go out when I AM BLOODY READY and he's literally like a toddler about it.

He ruins everything, all the time, with his moods and his demands and his never ending NEEDS and he wants a medal for going to work even though I do it too.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 09/09/2023 15:10

OP I would have posted very differently if I'd seen all the information in your updates. His fibro isn't the main issue here, it's his pre-existing selfishness, aggression and lack of loyalty that is killing you. Picking up the slack for a chronically ill partner is hard enough when there's genuine love and trust on both sides. I can't imagine how exploited and miserable you must feel, doing all this when he has cheated on you and abused you. I'm sorry if my previous post upset you Flowers

I think if you would have left him for his revolting behaviour before the fibro entered the picture, you should leave him now, and you shouldn't feel guilty. You don't owe him a damn thing. Let him sort out care or pay someone to support his life if he needs it.

Ollifer · 09/09/2023 15:11

If he's got enough energy to get up and go to a fete all day I think he has enough energy to help out a bit tbh.

bookflea · 09/09/2023 15:13

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book.

Sounds like you are talking about a child tbh.

WhereDidTheGoodTimesGo · 09/09/2023 15:13

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:05

Yes, he got fibro from the stress of his affair.

And feeling angry and sorry for himself that he had to change job after (she was a colleague).

I don't think he doesn't help because he's too sick. I think he doesn't help because literally all he cares about is himself.

He wakes up amd decides what he needs and if the world doesn't provide it, he feels entitled to a tantrum.

He just came to speak to me and I said all I needed was a couple of hours to do my chores so I could relax. He started shouting (VERY loudly) "But I needed to relax"

I said, "well who wins then? If I have to do my chores to feel relaxed and you physically can't wait two hours without being a complete cunt?"

He screamed at me "I AM MISERABLE"

And I said "yes, you have been since you stuck your dick in that redhead cunt"

Then he screamed and started slamming doors and I walked out.

So I suppose this marriage is dead.

I'm just sitting in the garden drinking a rum wondering what it might be like to not live like this.

Basically everything ticks along in our marriage nicely, unless I don't deliver on his every need. If I don't, he'll fuck someone else or scream at me.

That's basically the rules.

In his head he's completely the victim.

I honestly think there's something wrong with him. Psychologically since the affair he's been pretty deranged to be honest.

God you'll be happier without him, I'm almost excited for you and your happier future self once you leave this miserable, selfish cheater.

I'll join you with a drink, OP.

Whatever you decide, I have a feeling you're strong enough to cope with anything!

Fuck the fete.

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:18

He's literally just texted me to say his health problems were caused by ME making his home life miserable these last four years.

He had the affair.

Make this make sense.

OP posts:
Hellofromtheotherslide · 09/09/2023 15:18

You are a saint putting up with all his shit after what he has done. He doesn't deserve you. Please leave his selfish arse.

bookflea · 09/09/2023 15:21

He does not deserve you. He truly doesn’t. Imagine the relief.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2023 15:22

Just get a divorce. It sounds exhausting.

NunsKnickers · 09/09/2023 15:27

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:18

He's literally just texted me to say his health problems were caused by ME making his home life miserable these last four years.

He had the affair.

Make this make sense.

He thinks that should have been more understanding, forgiven him.and been grateful to have him. And that you should do.all the housework with a sunny smile on your face.

What a peach.

You'll be so much happier without him.

TheCatterall · 09/09/2023 15:35

@BlewJeanz imagine how amazing and calm your life will be without him.

how much easier it will be to manage situations when they pop up with the kids.

not being a live in, unloved carer, cleaner and sex relief to this bore of a man.

The children will adapt. Your life after the initial uproar and upheaval will be so much simpler, happier and easier.

or….

another 30/40 years of this man and all his needs and then retirement together trapped in the same house as your world shrinks further.

CornedBeef451 · 09/09/2023 15:38

I'm with you, if he can't do the household jobs then he doesn't get a say in when they get done.

Send him to the fete without you and have an afternoon to yourself to catch up on things and hopefully some time to relax. It's far too hot to go to a fete!

pickledandpuzzled · 09/09/2023 15:46

Ah no.

He's an arse. The Fibro has just become a symptom!

pickledandpuzzled · 09/09/2023 15:47

Perhaps he's so ashamed at wrecking a functioning family, he can't tolerate acknowledging that.

I'm sorry.

Line up your ducks, I reckon.

WhereDidTheGoodTimesGo · 09/09/2023 15:53

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 15:18

He's literally just texted me to say his health problems were caused by ME making his home life miserable these last four years.

He had the affair.

Make this make sense.

I'd be tempted to say "You know what, you're right. Best we divorce ASAP, you move out, and then you can fuck off recover"

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 16:00

I've told him I want a divorce.

He's screaming at me now, telling me everything is my fault and gaslighting me.

When he calms down and realises I'm not responding, he'll apologise and beg and say it's all him and I deserve more and its all really bullshit

Everything he says and does is for himself at the end of the day.

OP posts:
NunsKnickers · 09/09/2023 16:04

Well done @BlewJeanz

Use this time while he rages/cries etc to sort out paperwork, money etc.

AutumnCrow · 09/09/2023 16:04

He'll tell you he's got some other illness next, but this time it'll be life-threatening.

FarmGirl78 · 09/09/2023 16:05

He wanted you both to go to the fete. You said you needed a shower first, and wanted to get ready leisurely. Then suddenly you're cleaning the bathroom and changing bed sheets?

That was being unreasonable. If you only wanted to go at 1pm or 3pm or whatever because you needed to do chores first then you should have made that clear. I'd have been annoyed if I was him.

You further posts explaining that for you it's the straw that broke the camels back is fair enough. You just like to make sure he knows how you want to manage your weekend. Like a small child perhaps he could last a couple of hours without 'fun' if he knew you definitely would be going but only later. Maybe you just need to clearer. And then if he's still being persistently nowty with you then maybe consider your future.