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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's acting like a child?

203 replies

BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:16

DH and I both work full time. I also do 90% of the chores and administration tasks because DH has Fibromyalgia and gets exhausted.

So today is village fete day and a heatwave. We woke up 8am. Laid in bed having a laugh and reading the news.

I let him stay in bed and have a leisurely shower while I went downstairs and made a healthy cooked breakfast, tidied, did last night's dishes and got the laundry hung up.

Then after breakfast he immediately starts saying he wants to go to the fete. I said I hadn't showered yet and wanted to get ready leisurely and not feel rushed.

So next thing our DD20 calls from university and has had a package go missing with vital things so I spent an hour trying to sort that and while changing all the sheets and cleaning the bathroom.

DH starts getting restless so I get him out a sunlounger from the garage and tell him to read his book. He gets irritable because he says I can do the chores later.

I can't, because DD needs her package, it's got her cookware in it, and if I don't sort the laundry before we go, I'll not have dry sheets back on the beds later as we don't have a dryer.

DH gets in a thunder tantrum at midday saying I am wasting our day, at which point I snap and tell him that while he's being waited on hand and foot, I am doing the vital things that need doing.

AIBU to want to get things done and have decent time to look nice in the morning? I don't expect him to help with chores because the Fibromyalgia makes him so exhausted...but is it too much to ask that he's patient while the slave gets things done???!!!

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 09/09/2023 12:20

No.
Could he make his way to the fete and you follow and meet him there though?

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 12:22

It does sound like you were wasting the day tbh 🤷‍♀️ It’s nice weather and already midday. Not all of it had to be done now.

FionnulaTheCooler · 09/09/2023 12:22

I can see both sides of it. The laundry, and helping your DD with her parcel fair enough, but cleaning the bathroom could probably have waited. Maybe I'm biased though because my DH is a terrible faffer when it comes to leaving the house and it drives me nuts when he knows everyone else is waiting for him before we can go out.

WhereDidTheGoodTimesGo · 09/09/2023 12:24

If I were you, I'd feel frustrated. But if I was your DH, I'd feel frustrated too!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, it's just life and circumstances...hope you get to enjoy the fete today.

Hankunamatata · 09/09/2023 12:26

I would have blew off the chores and gone to the fete.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2023 12:27

Why couldn’t he just have made his own way there?

I can understand feeling that you are wasting a lovely weekend day, I get very frustrated if I’m stuck indoors on a nice day.

But you had things to do. Couldn’t he just have sorted himself out?

TicTacNicNak · 09/09/2023 12:27

How long does it take you to get ready though? It's a village fete, not a night out on the red carpet.

I can get his frustration as it's a heatwave and the day gets hotter by mid afternoon. It's hard being the one who does everything, but it was no secret it was fete day so maybe some things needed to be prioritised better.

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:29

I cleaned the bathroom whilst on the phone to the courier . I'm literally sweating, racing around doing everything for everyone while the giant man child I married sits there complaining.

Every single weekend he does this. He wants out of the house early, and it means the house gets in chaos and I feel stressed.

Not to mention I'd quite like some time for me. Maybe put on some makeup and choose a nice outfit and shave my pits.

I'm always on a stop watch.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 09/09/2023 12:29

The sheets will dry in 30 mins even if you put the out at 5pm.

Bunnyhair · 09/09/2023 12:30

Your DD could sort her own missing package, surely, at 20?

I wonder if you have developed a bit of a habit of doing everything for everyone. My mum is like this and it drives us all nuts - she will just not stop doing chores / stepping in and fixing things for people when they haven’t asked / compulsively trying to facilitate everyone’s lives in a way that feels controlling and infantilising, and feeling she has no choice but to do it because we’re all so useless and incompetent.

Wakeywake · 09/09/2023 12:30

He's right, you were wasting a nice day for the sake of doing chores. I would have gone without you if I was him.

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 12:31

Your daughter is an adult. There was no need for you to be on the phone to the courier.

punnetofcherries · 09/09/2023 12:32

I agree with him
You were obsessing over chores that could have been done tomorrow and your daughter could have dealt with her package herself

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:33

DD is autistic and doesn't cope with with phone calls.

There was several sets of sheets to dry, no one has clean pants and there is literally one clean towel left that stinks.

The fete is on until 5.

It is really that big a problem to go at 1?

Really?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 09/09/2023 12:33

If he's not helping with the domestic chores then he doesn't get to call the shots on the fun stuff. He could have gone to the fete himself and you join him later.

WeWereInParis · 09/09/2023 12:33

I'd have told my daughter to sort the package, hung the sheets out, left the bathroom for later, and gone to the fete.

KrisAkabusi · 09/09/2023 12:34

The bathroom could have waited. Your daughter is 20, she should be sorting out her own problems. It does sound like you're playing the martyr somewhat.

StarBloo · 09/09/2023 12:34

I agree with him you wasted the day

TidyDancer · 09/09/2023 12:34

He's reacted childishly but I do sort of agree with him. I think you could've easily waited until later to do the things you were doing.

Did you send the parcel to your DD? I'm not sure why you needed to be the one to chase this otherwise so I can understand it would be frustrating to have to wait for you.

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2023 12:34

The only thing that needed doing was the sheets out and you get ready while on the phone. I have CF and there's days when I have to let myself get exhausted because there's no one else to do stuff. I agree that you've probably started to be all things to all people and have stopped prioritising a bit of fun.

Original poster
BlewJeanz · 09/09/2023 12:38

We moved house six weeks ago and I've still not fully unpacked and can't find lots of things. I had to sleep last night on a sheet that was too small and really uncomfortable. It kept pinging off and I ended up on a bare mattress. I've then had to shower using the one stinky, musty towel. My autistic daughter is missing things she needs and was having a meltdown.

He's a 43 year old adult.

Maybe he could have called the courier?

Maybe he could do SOMETHING to help if he's so bored?

This weekend was particular chaos as the kids just left to return to uni.

Usually I just get up and do what he wants. Even though my preference is to use Saturday morning to get everything done so I can relax for the rest

The entire world revolves around him.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2023 12:38

I would have felt frustrated too if I were him but that's coming from the perspective of someone that is also involved in essential chores. I can see why you are annoyed with him given he isn't.

I'm struggling to see why he has the energy to want to be up and about all weekend, but is too exhausted to help with any chores, even fairly low maintenance ones like washing. It doesn't seem right to me, it sounds like an excuse.

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2023 12:39

Or, yes, calling the courier. Takes zero physical energy!

nicknamehelp · 09/09/2023 12:39

I think dd is old enough to sort out her own small issues like missing parcel. And if you know dh wanted to go out doing all the other jobs and delaying going out would annoy me jobs could be done later.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/09/2023 12:40

if daughter not able to sort the package because of health issues, could DH not have done that while you were getting on with the physical stuff like washing?