Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

Yabu to not cut her off. She isn't your friend. Don't allow her to mug you off like that.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend. Blanking you in front of the other mums is pretty difficult to defend.

I know it might be awkward but is there any way you'd feel comfortable confronting her?

As far as the other mums - it all sounds a bit odd. It's one thing people not making an effort with a new person because their friendships are already established but usually they're still at least polite and willing to small talk if you are the one initiating. In these situations it's usually that it's difficult to get "in" and form closer relationships.

The fact they actually blank you for seemingly no reason sounds like there is more to it and I would be surprised if this "friend" has nothing to do with it.

@bongopow I have never thought about that before!
The other school my son went to was fine and most parents spoke (even just to say hello) and it has been weird to the point I haven’t been able to put my finger on🤔

Yeah I'd bet your 'friend' has talked shit about you.

Do you know some dirty secret that your friend is embarrassed by? Could you challenge her, away from the school, why she is not doing more to help you and your son integrate? That's what a friend should do.

@JaiynDough It is seeming this way. I would be fuming to get to the bottom of it.

@Someoneonlyyouknow A couple😉 I have asked her before why the overall welcome was a bit cold and why she’s stand off ish and she says that we can be friends without being in each others pocket.

She’s not your friend.

She panicked because she is probably part of your son being excluded from class parties or the driving force behind it.

Ignore her and start to make more of an effort with other parents.

Sounds like your child is settling in better!p?

You’re a potential rival now. Before you were safe when your kids were at a different school but you’re on her turf and she feels a bit threatened. She’s not your friend if she actively excludes you and ignored you when the school mums are around.

Approach the other mums
separately and let them get to know
you independent of her. They’re only human and can only go on what they’ve been told. It’s won’t be because you’re new
pr they’d have given you a chance.

@CherryMaDeara
I would agree. It makes me feel sad but I can see stepping back some red flags so I shall be cautious of her now.

He is thank you! On the school front anyways but no change on the social events outside of school as of yet but early doors into the year.

This person in no way is your friend, she’s shown you what she is, believe her. What a two-faced unkind person she sounds, my advice would be to avoid her completely.

I agree that your best bet now is to focus on the other mums. Make an extra effort to speak to them. I assume they won't all blank you*. Once they get talking to you they'll realise she was just talking shit.

• If every single one of them literally completely ignores you when you try to speak directly to them then I would be absolutely bemused and so curious that I would probably just ask the other mums outright what was going on. Blanking someone is a pretty bold thing to do and I think you'd find at least one willing to tell you why you're the school pariah if you asked directly.

She's definitely not your friend. Cut her off x

@alpenguin
It’s mad to me that some grown women may think this way but be so cunning in the way that they execute their unkind ways.

Thank you- I shall do this. I think it is going to be a slow process as I don’t know what has maybe been said/alluded to about us🤔

I would ditch her totally and immediately. Id smile and wave as necessary but otherwise ignore her, no chat.

But be warm and friendly with the other parents. Maybe see if there is a club your kid might want to join so you could get to know some of them that way. Gradually they should cotton on that you arent the person she is probably painted you as. x

@bongopow
Thank you, definitely agree! I know my ‘friend’ purposely gets to the school gate early to mingle. She knows if she is one of the first, she can approach the Mum’s as they come in the gate and not be left out of the chat (she’s said this to me)

I get there on time to collect my son (I don’t have the time to stand around 40 minutes before school even finishes😳)

I am going to try and just get hellos in and build on it and then ask if that fails. Thanks for the advice x

She's been talking shit about you so now has to make out to the others she doesn't like you very much, she can't introduce you to them just in case you get friendly with one of them and they let you in on what your "friend" has been saying, that'd be my guess anyway.

I'm going against the grain a bit here but maybe she wasn't that great a friend anyway. I don't think she's necessarily doing anything wrong as such. I have friends that I prefer not to mix. I'm not ashamed of them but each has their own ways and I wouldn't really feel comfortable introducing them to other people. Besides some friends are best 1 on 1. It's like your mum turning up at school or your boyfriend sitting with you and your mates. Some things are best separate. No need to fall out but it's a big ask to expect her to facilitate you making friends.
I wonder if the reasoning behind some of this could be your child and you're simply that kids mum. Has there been more going on at school than you're aware of. Why do you think your child is struggling to make friends?

Also when you're doing the school run keep an eye out for other mums who always seem to be on their own or who seem a bit anxious, you wont be the only one feeling that way, maybe ask them to go for a coffee/invite for play date. I'm sure you'll make some actual friends and people will soon figure out the backstabber for what she is.

@JudgeRudy
All opinions are valued and I appreciate yours. Objectively I agree you don’t have to mix friends/acquaintances and I have never wanted to go in her back pocket. She could want me to make connections on my own merit and that is fine- I have more time now as the house move was hectic.

My son has settled now and goes in happy, comes out happy and says he’s played with lots of the children in his class. I spoke to the teacher and they said he was just really ‘shy’ and took a while to warm up and the other children all were doing what children do and played obvious to who is joining in or not.

I don’t blame him, a new town, new house and new school is a lot. If he still wasn’t settled, I would agree is there something more but he’s happy now.

I just think she could have been kinder and said hello and not treated me like she didn’t know me at all. I personally would do more but that’s me and I can’t place that judgement on someone else. Thanks for the input!

@MsLavender Thank you! X

She doesn't sound like much of a friend and you're probably better off putting your enery into more positive friendships. It sounds like you're doing all the work in this friendship. I'm glad your son is settling in better! 💐

She sounds vile.

I reckon she’s either lied to them about her life to make them like her, or lied to them about you to make them dislike you. Either way she keeps her distance as you’ll likely expose her lies.

She sounds horrible but also pretty sad - getting there early to make sure she’s not missing out?! Definitely let this “friendship” slide Op

She sounds awful. I reckon she's been gossiping and is probably shit scared you're going to find out what she's said.