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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend goes weird on the school run

239 replies

Popcornlassie28 · 09/09/2023 00:58

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TooOldForAllThisNonsense · 09/09/2023 11:27

She's not a real friend, I'm sorry to say. She's a spiteful, two-faced bitch, and you'd be better off without her at all. Are there any groups you could join? Or ask a couple of kids/mums to your home for coffee (for the mums) and a play for the kids?

Totallyterrific · 09/09/2023 11:38

@inamarina I agree with what you said in reply to my comment too. It sounds very much like shes trying to be in with what she perceives as the cool crowd.

Stifado · 09/09/2023 11:39

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Frances0911 · 09/09/2023 11:43

She's treating you like you're not good enough, if you have to speak to her be polite but vague, then do your best to forget about her.

BigHoops · 09/09/2023 11:57

Sorry that you're experiencing this OP. It's unkind of her, and really strange.

Got something similar here although not as bad as what you're going through. DC just started a new school but in the the same area, so they have friends there already. I'm friendly with a few of the parents in the junior school part but only know one mum in the infant bit and that's where I'm required to stand for drop off and pick up. We have been friends for a few years, wouldn't say very close but together with our husbands we've socialised fairly frequently. Yet she has been off with me since the first day! I'd went to stand with her where she was chatting to another few mums. Now if that has been me, I'd have made a big effort to introduce her, welcome her to the school and include her. Nope, nothing like that happened. I got a grudging intro after standing there like an idiot for ages! And since then, she's pretty much blanked me or made it obvious she's not interested in small talk.

It's not like I'm expecting her to look after me, I'm very friendly and happy to chat with anyone! Just find it so weird and hurtful. But I know the issue lies with her and not me, so I'm just leaving her to it. It's bizarre though, she is a bit socially awkward but seems to have no issues chatting to the other mums!

Good luck, I'd advise approaching other parents and let them get to know you on your terms. School gate friendships are shit really.

ActDottie · 09/09/2023 12:17

Oh I hate people like this. She has the perfect opportunity to welcome you and she’s not :( can you try speak to some of the other mums without her?

Denimdreams · 09/09/2023 12:21

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It always makes me chuckle.
All the " nice" people bending over backwards to call someone they don't know a nasty bitch.
How lovely 😂

The fact the Op states she blanks her when she is talking to someone else is a bit of a clue that Op is being needy and reading things into the situation.
She isn't blanking the Op she's having a conversation with someone else !
It's perfectly normal

honeylulu · 09/09/2023 12:52

From your side of things she doesn't sound very nice and is clearly telling you that she doesn't want to continue the friendship except as a nodding acquaintance.

It does sound like she's quite insecure (getting to the playground 40 mins early to make sure she isn't left out of any conversations). She may be anxious that "her" carefully curated social crowd might prefer you (and the classmates might prefer your son to hers) if she lets you in. She may have "reinvented" herself to these new friends as cooler and more successful than you know her to be and she doesn't want you to blow her cover.

It would be interesting to hear her perspective. I think the points above are enough to put her in the wrong but there may be more to it than that. I've experienced being the friend who welcomed another friend (Wendy situation) into my friendship group and got rather stung by my kind effort!

I'd known both Wendy and another friend, J, from 2 separate baby groups. Wendy and I saw each other very regularly, sometimes most weekends. Our husbands and children were good pals too. J developed a nice group of friends through nursery (my son went to a different one) and gradually she introduced me to them and I started being invited to group stuff. I was very careful not to inveigle myself too quickly but gradually built my own friendships within the group taking care not to slight J who I remained close to.

I then introduced Wendy to the group and I was so shocked to see what happened. It was like she had been biding her time with me until she got some cool friends and suddenly her objective was achieved and she dropped me like a stone despite us having been friends for 7 years by this point. She no longer wanted to meet one to one. She'd always ask who else would be coming and if it was just us she'd decline. She would keep an eye on Facebook and if she saw a post of us out together she'd suddenly turn up (i later found out she'd tell people that I'd invited her along). I backed off from her massively and if I was hosting something I stopped inviting her because it felt like she'd turn up at my house, eat my food and drink my wine and almost completely ignore me while she ingratiate herself with the others. If it had happened more slowly and gradually I don't think I would have even noticed. But it felt so like she had used me to get where she wanted socially, and then disposed of me like rubbish. I admit i was quite insecure about it. I wonder if that's what your friend fears, even if it's unfounded.

Stifado · 09/09/2023 13:11

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Positive41 · 09/09/2023 13:29

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/09/2023 10:49

I think your "friend's " behaviour is unkind and shows her character and I wouldn't trust her.
BUT
You could go down a rabbit hole imagining that she's been talking shit about you to the other mums, (many of whom have just as many hangups about how well received they are by the school gate crowd, and having worked their way into a conversation at last, they are unlikely to break it off to talk to a newcomer - at least at first) And some of those imaginings could be far worse than what she has actually said.

If she has said anything I'm betting it is more vague comments distancing herself as much as possible so no one thinks she is mean for not taking you under her wing. She's underplaying your previous acquaintance and intimating that she doesn't really know you that well. Which actually is fine, it's not implying there is anything sinister about you - she'd have to admit to knowing you well to imply that!

What she did say very clearly was that she didn't think you had to "live in each other's pockets" - a strong warning that she was backing off and recommending you did too. I would have read that as a big Eff Orf and not to expect anything from her in future, it's hurtful as you wouldn't have treated her like that and I'm not surprised that it was a big disappointment that someone you thought of as an ally has turned out to be the opposite.

Why is she doing this? I think its territorial. You are moving onto her hard-won turf and she resents helping you to take a shortcut. Perhaps she thinks that you will rely too much on her and she doesn't want to jeopardise new friendships by having someone to look after. or She's presented herself a certain way and doesn't want anyone who knows her better to undermine that (not that you would!) or she wants to be Queen Bee and doesnt want to take the attention off herself by being seen to help you. Or she's scared you will be better friends with her friends. She might be scared you won't stand on your own feet and lean on her. Or a mixture of all of those things. It might feel as if you are judged not good enough but its all about her insecurities and territorialism. The classic "its not you, its her" sums it up perfectly.

However, the longer you and your son are at the school, the stronger position you will be in. The new term is a new start. He won't be the newcomer who is still settling in, in September. You won't be the new mum either.

You are there for the next 7 years together - potentially 14 years if you both end up at same secondary school ( although mercifully its only the first 7 that have much impact) So don't think of her as someone you know well who has let you down.
She's clearly not an ally or remotely helpful to you any more, so just try to factor her out of your thoughts as much as possible, as if she's someone you briefly met somewhere and have no beef with, unconcerned and polite, just another mum. Keep your cool and don't be tempted to spill the beans about her at all if you can help it. Momentarily satisfying as it would be, making your disappointment with her apparent or telling other people at school (who might tell her) could create a bit of extra enmity or even retaliation from her -even though its undeserved! No one really needs to know anyway and you come across as more independent that way.
Also Unwittingly giving out a grudge vibe at pickup(the odd hard stare which would be so tempting, or standing there looking forlorn and needy wanting her attention (examples, I'm not suggesting you would) will come across to other mums and might make them wary of you. They are probably all a bit nervous and insecure in the group truth be told, they all recognise that their child is there for 7 years and want to fit in.
You've done well to just carry on so far and the teachers say your son is settling in and making friends, so congratulate yourself on that. Set up some one-to-one playdates, party for his birthday (if that's affordable), turn up to school events, clubs or outside school clubs so school isn't everything- you will soon get to know other mums, on your own terms, without her interference. I think you will soon find you are over the worst. Best of luck to you and your son

Fantastic advice

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/09/2023 13:35

I agree with this.

Blueink · 10/09/2023 17:45

This is awful OP.

In the same type of scenario, parent I knew helped integrate us in to the class, party the first week, etc.

This ‘friend’ seems to have done the exact opposite.

Getting there early is a good way to get to know people and I did that too.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/09/2023 17:49

I think she’s told all sorts of lies, or put on a fake persona to mums in her kids school and you rocking up has been a shock and she doesn’t want things she’s said/ implied to be found out.
to keep you separate, she may have said a thing or two to put them off. I’d find one of the parents of a child your son likes and befriend them. She can’t hold you off forever.

Thegoodbadandugly · 10/09/2023 17:52

How on earth can you say that when you don't even know the person?

Jessicafirsttimer · 10/09/2023 17:54

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Pinkdelight3 · 10/09/2023 17:57

Gosh that's quite melodramatic. I like it as a story - a school mum concocting a whole false identity and a friend from the past turning up to detonate it, with devastating effects at the gate - but I'd not jump to such conclusions IRL.

Lolasgame · 10/09/2023 18:09

She’s not your friend. Sorry she sounds like a user.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/09/2023 18:24

I find a lot of Mums are like this on the school run. Sometimes super friendly, but if they’re talking to the ‘in-crowd’ they don’t bother at all.

Sometimes you have a long chat with one and you think you’ve made a bit of a breakthrough and then they blank you.

Peacendkindness · 10/09/2023 18:25

It’s probably not that strange but as a single full time working parent I haven’t really socialised big time with other parents. Firstly in my youngest school they are all married, we joined on lockdown and they all seem to be in each others pockets. I was friendly and invited lots for play dates but I’ve stepped back as most of them aren’t that nice.

I have other friends and so does he!!

AllyArty · 10/09/2023 18:26

She is no friend to you I’m sorry to say. I’d take a back seat for a bit and work out what other friendships can be cultivated. Preferably with someone she isn’t close to. Just be a bit preoccupied with her but don’t fall out with her. Its great that your son is happy.

Pinktottenham · 10/09/2023 18:26

She's been telling fibs and her circles have collided. She is scared

Poppingmad123 · 10/09/2023 18:28

Ask one of the other mums if they have a WhatsApp group & get yourself added. Hopefully your friend isn’t the admin of this. You can ask the teacher if a group exists as often they know. It may be worth finding out from the teacher who your child plays with the most and approach their parents for a play date. Definitely just mingle more with other mums and be friendly, say hello etc. They may not even know who you are or your kid. Either in their own bubble or just too busy to notice someone new has joined the class. The only time I’ve noticed new kids is when I’ve seen them at parties, not noticed at the school gates. Don’t give your ‘friend’ a second thought and take a break from doing things with her outside school, just say you’re busy, have already made plans etc for a bit.

Jellycats4life · 10/09/2023 18:32

School gate dynamics are so interesting. The posters who mentioned social climbing and “king making” are bang on the money.

My two children have been in numerous class combinations during their primary school years (classes get mixed up every couple of years) and I have never, EVER experienced the same degree of toxic queen bee bitchiness as I did when my PFB started Reception.

They were awful. Cold shouldered everyone who wasn’t in their little clique, set up a class WhatsApp group but excluded half the class, would post photos of themselves on social media accompanied with gushing captions about how grateful they were to have met such a wonderful and supportive group of incredible women… they had a hashtag even 🤣

Some women really invest a lot of time and emotional energy in making themselves “popular” (like arriving 40 minutes to chit chat and schmooze). Others are happier to arrive two minutes before the bell, exchange pleasantries and bugger off home. I know who I prefer to be around.

SillyAutomatic · 10/09/2023 18:38

Sounds like she's constructed a version of herself that you won't recognise in order to get in with the other mums so you now being there will make her look stupid as you know the truth. Not very nice, and not a real friend.

MrsLighthouse · 10/09/2023 18:43

100% what @undermine said. She’s told them lies about her life and doesn’t want them exposed so has badmouthed you . Can’t you ask individual kids over for an after school play date and get to know the other mums on your terms. I would totally confront her though…what have you got to lose ?

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