Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

Honestly the school run can be weirdddddd, I have had this loads, people who I was good acquaintances with and some I would have considered good friends prior to DC starting school not quite blanking but as good as, being standoffish at best, definitely didn’t want to let me in, seemed to really bristle them me being in their turf. There’s also people who have never talked to at school/nursery drop but quite happy to in other social situations.

It does weird, weird things to some people.

I'd imagine she's told lots of lies to the school mums and pretends to be something she's not, she keeps you at arms length so they don't find out she's been telling lies. That's the only reason I can think of that she'd behave that way. She sounds awful though, I'd phase her out and try to get in with the other mums via other methods (if you want to that is).

I had similar but my children were younger than my friends. So she was at the school first. But I felt I couldn’t talk to her when she was with her friends. I made friends of my own and kind of knew the standard. It was weird though. Something didn’t sit right. I felt she picked me up when she needed me. In the end I moved house and moved my children anyway. Our friendship slid after that. We were best friends which was sad. Looking back I would probably have had a honest conversation with her. Maybe you need to ask her. But always follow your instincts.

This makes me laugh and I mean no offence by that. It’s like being back at school, you’d think as adults we’d have grown a little. Instead the school gate has become the competition ground, instead of a place to pleasantly greet other parents.

To me, if the other parents are taking her word for it when/if she’s been saying stuff about you then more fool them and to me that kind of personality is not worth knowing. What parent who’s also been ‘new’ at some point can’t even take the time to smile a ‘hello’. I can and I’m generally one of those rushing back to work.

If she’s ashamed of you or doesn’t feel you’re worthy of a ‘hello’ then I’d just completely ignore her. She’s def not worth pursing a so-called friendship with. These kind of people end up alienating others the same way eventually.

You’ll most likely notice as time goes by that you find your feet, she sounds like the type who’ll at some point try and get back into your ‘good graces’ at which point you can decide what to do.

Btw: I say this as someone completely new to an area, with a 3 yr old boy. Support where I expected to find it, is completely non-existent, but I’m quite pragmatic and I’ve found new friendships through other activities and weirdly the park where my son meets kids he knows from nursery. I find that most parents who i didn’t meet at nursery but have met outside are just exhausted or rushing because they have to run back to work (I’m one of them). Sometimes it’s those that don’t seem to have time to talk that are worth ‘knowing’.

been Reading through the comments, just out of interest how well and how long have you know here OP

I can’t imagine this can be a friendship group that extends outside the school gates or else surely you’d have come across some of them before. I think it’s probably that she feels threatened on some level. I don’t think she will have been bitching about you.

I do sympathise somewhat with the people who have talked about compartmentalising, I would never have considered doing that previously but I’ve had several people Wendy (or try to) as people like to call on it on here, in the past 10 years that I am very, very cautious now of adding in a one on one friendship into an established friendship group. I don’t think that’s the case here tho as it doesn’t sound like an actual female friendship group.

I think that you over estimated your friendship. I think that she is possibly protecting her child as wants them to be free to choose their own friendships and not suddenly drop their existing friends. Managing mum relationships are always tricky because they are largely dependent upon the kids friendships.

Also, if your friend is mid conversation with other mums, it can be hard to suddenly break it off.

I think that your misplaced reliance upon your friend has probably resulted in it making it harder for you to meet people as it's created an awkwardness. If you didn't know anyone you would have been forced to look around for potential new friends to chat to. You're stuck in this betwixt and between place. If you were completely on your own, then likely other mums would have made more of an effort with you, but they probably assume that you are ok because you already have a friend.

I would go in afresh next week. Pretend it's your first day and that your friend isn't there. Put on a faux confidence and a big friendly smile and go up and chat to some of the other mums. Ask them questions about the school, or their own children. Ask your child who they have made friends with, then seek out their mums and arrange play dates. Just forget about your friend and fling yourself into the middle of things. Good luck. It takes guts, but is the only way forward. You clearly cannot rely on your friend, only yourself.

She’s worried about being left out of the chat? So what has she done to ingratiate herself into the chat? Either told lies about herself or talked shit about you. I actually think the first of these is more likely. She’s worried that if they get to know you they’ll all find out the truth about her, so that’s why she’s excluding you.

If I were you I’d take the other advice here - get to know the others separately from her. Then ditch her, she’s no friend.

I had someone like this.

I moved to a (new but familiar) place, and knew one other mum at the school. Someone I'd known for years and I thought of as a friend.

She had a group of school mum friends but I felt blocked me from joining rather than facilitated and I felt worse knowing just her than if I'd have known nobody, as I felt actively excluded.

Looking back now, I think she was embarrassed and not confident of her own position, ie having the status to introduce somebody. As she appears very outgoing, her lack of effort felt very purposeful l, but on reflection it's sad for her

To also add, I don't think that she has necessarily been talking about you at all. She is most likely establishing her boundaries and protecting her existing friendships with the other mums and doesn't want your friendship to take over as she can see you outside of school too. Chatting to other school mums is often more like chatting to work colleagues. It's about making practical arrangements, checking dates, making sure that you've not missed something important etc. She likely won't want to surrender that and is compartmentalizing school mum friendships with outside friendships.

Try not to dwell on it too much. I doubt that she's talking about you. I have never heard other mums gossip about each other on school runs, esp not in the playground. A class gossip would soon get sidelined by others because it's important to maintain neutrality as you never know who your kid will be friends with next week. It's complex. I have been in your position. I've also been in the reverse when I was excited that a friend was joining our school and looked forward to taking her under my wing and it was clear that she was pretty independent and didn't want to be stifled by our friendship and wanted her child to seek out her own friendships. She did the right thing actually. Having introduced her to a few people I stepped back.

@JudgeRudy - so if ppl you know which you would not feel comfortable introducing to your friends join your son school, in your soon class you won’t introduce them?!
I understand not actively introducing them to a group of friends when there is nothing in common, but if they had to join a school, wouldn’t you?
be kind goes a long way

She doesn’t sound like she is a good friend to be so inconsistent.

As a general point, some of the comments about school gate cliques are OTT. Most people aren’t either bitch queen bees or left-out nerds. Most people are in the middle: busy and wanting to have pleasant interactions with their kids’ peers.

Why is talking to people called ‘sucking up’? Why is chatting to others mums and making friends automatically assumed to be cliquey and bitchy? How many people really engage in ‘school gate politics’?

My kids made friends. I made friends with many of the parents. By being kind, friendly, chatty and inclusive. Making an effort with play dates etc. I received the same back from most. I am never cool
and never will be. But am open-minded and decent company. I worked full time but still managed a quick chat with people.

Also friendships don’t just happen. They actually require time and investment. You can’t expect everyone to be a good friend from week one. It’s an effort.

I hate the extreme narrative about school parents. Many are just like you.

‘From my experience, the majority of people want to drop off or pick-up their kids, maybe have a bit of chit chat, and then go about their day. If friendships develop organically then that's great but these things take time, and are not reliant on someone else facilitating that for you as the OP seems to expect her friend to do’

Exactly. Some people have such extreme views, either wanting to find their best friends immediately and feeling left out if it doesn’t happen, or a determination not to get involved at all. They need to relax a bit about it really. Otherwise they will give off needy or stand offish vibes.

C*

so called mate sounds like a c*. Who wants mates like that ?