Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

School gate drama sounds crazy! She sounds like a cow. To be honest I might be seen as being a bit of a cow because I go in collect my children and leave I’ve never even spoken to anyone 😂 such a weird culture we have about school collection!

No way would I play the role of backup buddy. Ditch her.

YABU to consider her a friend. Raise your standards OP, better to have nobody than someone who only talks to you as a last resort! And doesn’t invite you along to near whole class get together

It sounds like teenage angst when I dated the friend of my friend’s boyfriend and caused some issues with us that she felt I had infiltrated her group.

I’d definitely be cutting this “friend” out - keep it civil but no effort made on my side. Quiet quitting the friendship.

Are there any kids at school yours seems to mention a lot if you ask who they played with today? Maybe suss out their parents and ask them if they fancy a coffee/park meet up one weekend. You might get some gossip that way!

Is it your kids birthday soon, could you invite a few of his friends for a party and get to know the parents that way? Obvs don’t invite your “friend”

Hi,
I have two kids in primary and from my experience, the only reason a kid would repeatedly not be invited to parties is if there was a behavioural issue with the child and the other kids didn’t want them there. By behaviourally I mean being mean to other kids (being a bully) not having a neurological reason like autism etc. However, given then you’re new to the school that doesn’t seem likely and for the parents to not try to interact with you is just weird and rude. If it was me I would just be honest and ask your friend what the problem is. Alternatively if you think your friend is trying to sabotage you, maybe she feels threatened? I would openly invite all the class to a meet up. Say, we’re new and want to get to know everybody. It could be most of them are just too in their own bubble to remember there is someone knew. Not great but people can be lazy. I would also speak to the teacher and ask if there are any issues with the other kids, are they making friends etc. explain that you have concerns because they aren’t being invited and want to make sure there aren’t any issues with the other kids.
I really hope you guys settle in. Starting a new school is hard enough. Good luck to you.

Play her this @Popcornlassie28 {I was never part of the ''In crowd'' either at school gates}

Just find a few of the quieter Mums on the periphery. It sounds like your friend isn't keen to include you in the inner circle. I don't think it's that important to be part of the main group. It sounds like DS is happy in school. Join some things outside school.

I would just smile & wave & move on with this friend - do your own thing.

Could you go earlier a few times just so you have a chance to chat with others? That’s how I got to know other mum’s and it was a really good way to make friends. It took a little while but wasn’t too long. On a number of occasions opportunities arose for me to speak one to one to parents and that was really helpful.

I guess this woman has painted an image of herself as something she’s not and she doesn’t want you in the group in case you say something that gives her lies away. The blanking you is to demonstrate to the other mums you’re not a person to talk to - again, so they don’t chat to you and then you inadvertently say something that gives away the lies of your ‘friend’.

Yes this. My so call friend managed to get us ignored and blanked at the school gates when we moved house and ended up at the same junior school I know it wasn't me I had friends at each school my kids went to, some just to say hello to or acknowledge in the shop if we passed. She saw everyone as competition.
Only now Dd is finished with high school and I'm finding other moms who she was not nice to say hello and chat at the shops, I think they were afraid to get on her wrong side.

School runs are toxic .. don’t miss them one bit and your ‘ mate’ sounds like a mean girl , who is insecure and needy… either front her out or move on …

God this reminds me why I absolutely hated doing the school run. I only went once or twice a week at pick up as mine went to the after school club. It’s so cliquey who speaks to who, who has fell out with who, it’s like being back at school. I had a couple of people I spoke to, polite chit chat but largely stood away and left them to it.

This woman is not your friend, this is like being back at school when someone only wants to be your friend when their other mates aren’t around. Then they drop you as soon as they appear. Horrible. I’d cut the friendship with this woman

it sounds obvious to me that one of the school mums has an issue with you or she has said something about you otherwise why would she panic if you came along?
I would say that the majority of parents wouldn’t mind if another parent turned up with a child from the class if it’s just a casual meet up so someone so I would think the above
friends don’t do that shit to each other
are you sure she’s actually ignoring you ? (Does she say hello or a nod? ) do you see each other or meet up any other time outside of school? If not, then she probably just sees you as an associate rather than a friend.
if you are close outside of school, I would mention it to her. Why don’t you speak to me when you’re with the other school mums ? Hundreds of people come in here because they’re too scared to speak or say something to someone. Just bite the bullet and ask her
if you don’t want to, then I suggest ignoring her and when she asks why say multiple times she has ignored youwhen she’s with the others, and you’re not sure that she wants to be friends with you anymore

Also, the other moms aren’t speaking to you because they just don’t know you -they’re not just gonna walk up and start speaking
especially if you’re not been introduced
why don’t you walk over when she’s there and say hi, morning et cetera why are you waiting for her to acknowledge you?

you could get there earlier, like you already said to chat and say hi to the mums, but to be honest I don’t know why you even want to, I’m like the Grinch, I purposely get to school as early as late as possible to avoid chitchatting with anyone else 😂

It’s a petty power play on her part. She knows that she could introduce you to the other parents and get you involved in a heartbeat but instead she’s keeping you on the sidelines on purpose. Maybe she’s worried they’ll like you more if they get to know you! Or she just wants to lord it over you by showing you she’s in the clique.

My advice is to be very cool with her when the others aren’t around so she gets the message you’re not some back up friend. Then you should also make a concerted effort to get to know the others. Is there a particular kid other than hers that your DS gets on with? If so, sort out a play date and drop her like she’s dropping you.

People are strange! I also have a friend who moved her children to my children's school. I gave her loads of school uniform and always spoke to her on the school run. She made friends with a lady who lives near her. She was at a community event and apart from saying hello blanked me. She now doesn't bother with me at all. It's like now she has a new friend she doesn't bother with me. It made me feel needy and silly always speaking when she doesn't. So I don't bother now.
She's not your friend, cut the ties and make friends with other school mum's.

How long have you known this person?

I had a friend (no longer my friend) who behaved like this, I actually caught her slagging me off to other friends.

These types of people scare me. I wonder what on Earth is going on in their heads to cause them to behave like that towards others.

Your “friend” has been gossiping about you and leaving your son out of social activities. What type of person does that? It’s a form of abuse.

It sounds to me that , now you're on her patch, she's worried that you'll spill beans on her or that she doesn't want you to see what she's really like and that she'll be outed by you in some way.

Either way, she's deliberately keeping you at arm's length so that her private and school life don't collide.

Bin her off.

Same. I know a few people to say hi to through my mum (she does most of school runs and is more sociable than me) but I don't stop to chat. I find the school a noisy hellhole and I want to get in and out as quickly as possible. I think people probably think I'm weird but I have no desire to get involved with the schoolyard social politics.

She's a total bitch, have some respect for yourself and drop her, fast,

I think you need to invest in a massive exciting party for your kid--- but obvs only inviting 90% of the classmates/parents!

I think she has made up stuff about her own life and she can't risk you talking to the other mums in case it all comes out.

When you next do the school pick up, have a look around for the other mums standing alone and start small talk, make a couple of nice descent friends that way. I wouldn't pursue a friendship with her anymore as she doesn't seem like a nice person, at the school gates they will likely just be slagging off other mums and other kids , and I wouldn't want to be a part of that if I'm honest!

In terms of the 'huge' playdate with 'all the other kids' I would take that with a pinch of salt if I'm honest - I would say half the kids in the class at best. She's clearly used to embellishing the truth to cement her position at the school gates, so don't worry too much about that.

I would also distance yourself from her away from school too, she doesn't sound like a nice person and I would bet that most mum's on the school run feel exactly the same about her

The best way I made friends at school was through my hobby outside of school, could you get your son signed up for a club or a team or something? It's a much easier environment for children to make friends in, much smaller, they all have a shared interest. Your son will make friends and it will build his confidence too.

What a bunch of bored housewives? School run drama weirds me out! A whole bunch of grown ass women acting petulent! You don't hear the same drama fro
1m dads! It's beyond embarrassing! I've heard it all. All I can say is, you do you. While it would have been nice to be welcomed, it's not the end of then world. I wouldn't give two shits who spoke to me and who didn't, and I'd teach my kid more confidence in making his own way to integrating. Because look at what he's got to look forward to in adult life? You're living the adult version of his kid scenario and yet you need advice on what to do.

The world is such, and we have to learn to be confident. Teach your child confidence and don't be so bothered about other mums, unless you want to be in with the cringe as f it crowd.

could this be part of it, that your friend makes more time for the chats, and gets along better with the group ?

yes i know not everyone has the time etc

This is all so odd! I see the school run as a necessary evil, not a social club to make friends! I have friends already. It’s nice to have people on the same wavelength for play dates and so on, but I simply can’t bring myself to care about who’s mates with whom and local gossip. Turn up, head held high, polite and say hello, no expectations. Act like they’re below you in the pecking order, OP, not like you’re desperate to be part of the gang.