Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

@Popcornlassie28

I’ve just had 7 years of primary school runs, and am about to start again. I absolutely hated them, the politics, and the WhatsApp groups. I don’t care if I seem stand off-ish, but I don’t intend to make any effort to get involved in any ‘in’ group - in fact I intend to keep contact to a bare minimum.

I will, however, do a whole class party for his birthday because that’s the way to get invited back in many cases. You tend to get reciprocal ones.

Other than that, I fully intend to be an outsider and people can approach me if they want.

That’s what I would do too.
As others have said, she’s not your friend.
She also seems quite immature, behaving like a teenager desperate to hang out with the ‘in crowd’ and willing to ditch her old friend because she doesn’t deem them ‘cool enough’ or whatever.

Okay well because it's the area you grew up, that might make her feel more insecure, needing to show that it's 'hers' as well as 'yours'. Not saying that's great behaviour, but as others have said, it can be tricky when world's collide.

And although ideally a friend would facilitate other school friendships, there's countless threads on here where this goes wrong and the person in OP's position becomes the 'wendy', taking over the friendships and leaving the 'first' friend out. Which feels like the path that starts out with holding a big Halloween party and bypassing the friend. Gameplaying-a-go-go!

Best thing is to not give it too much mind, do the schoolrun, arrange playdates for your DS, minimal drama and it'll all be a blur in the past before you know it. Don't get into thinking your friend is spreading lies about you, that seems quite far-fetched and if by some small chance it was true, you'd want nothing to do with any of them anyway. Leave them to it and get on with your own busy life.

Oh - and holidaying all together sounds like a total nightmare. I’d feel very blessed that I haven’t been involved in all that.

She's not your friend. Real friends don't do that:

This was my first thought

I would warn against the more extreme advice that implies she is terrible and has been bitching about you.

It sounds like it could just be that she is navigating lots of people she knows (of which you are only one) but you only know her - an imbalance.

On the school run, you often just talk to who is there at a loose end when you show up, you don't go seeking out the person you like best. She is behaving fairly normally for a school run but you are expecting her to behave as if you spot each other in a sea of strangers.

When you are surrounded by 100 people you know and expect to see, you don't do Hellos to everyone - that's not blanking, that's listening to the person who is actually talking to you.

You need to get there earlier if you want to chat, talk to whoever is standing around and not take it so personally.

I'm going against the grain also
You sound rather needy and have assumed that you can just step into her friendship group.
It's obvious that she doesn't want this but you are still pushing it.
She's allowed to be friends with people other than you and its overbearing to not respect this.
She's talking to someone else?
So?
Why would you expect her to drop them when you turn up?
I'm afraid expecting everyone on the school run to speak to you is bonkers.
Time and time again it comes up on here and there is a chorus of " omg they are bitches"
It's odd to think unless everyone acknowledges you they are somehow against you.
Just find a playdate for your son and take it from there.

I don’t think this person is necessarily evil or mean or calculating. She hasn’t been very kind or welcoming, and that’s incredibly disappointing. But it’s always possible we’ve overestimated how close our friendship is with someone.

You say you are shy, and sometimes this ends up generating a lot of work for others who might need to be extra attentive to you in conversations, coax you into interactions, make a concerted and sustained effort to bring you into things so that you don’t feel left out, because it’s hard for you to do this yourself. I think shy folks often think this should all be effortless for people who are more sociable, but it still takes a lot of work to ‘carry’ someone who struggles to hold their own in a social situation.

I have friends who I will do this for - but they are lifelong, very close friends who are more like family. I don’t have the energy to do this for everyone I’m friendly with, and if I have the sense that someone is going to rely on me a lot to do this sort of social labour for them, I will put some boundaries down and withdraw.

She's not a nice person.

She knows your struggling, your son struggling to make friendships, and she pretends she doesn't know you when you're both at school.

She's not a friend. And she's probably said things about you/your child that aren't very nice tbh.

Actually, ignore everything I just said - I’ve realised it’s your son who’s shy, not you. Sorry! Post reading fail!

Your post is right, the point that I took from ops post was the bit where the friend said we don't have to live in each others pockets to be friends, which makes me wonder if the op is possibly overbearing.

Surprised how many people are saying this kind of thing - she's probably said things about you/your child that aren't very nice tbh - seems really unlikely to me and just likely to do the OP's head in. Hard to picture how it would be a natural topic of conversation, bitching about a new mum and a little kid, who they don't know. She'd have to be pretty evil to be doing that and the explanations about the minefield of mixing friends and not actually blanking feel much more plausible to me.

She doesn’t sound like a friend.

@Thegoodbadandugly yes, that is definitely a strong, if indirect (to spare feelings) communication that this person possibly feels smothered or pressured. What we don’t know is whether this is coming from the OP or whether it’s the other person’s ‘stuff’ - but there does seem some sort of dynamic there.

Tbf I agreed with what you wrote, the Op is still expecting the friend to facilitate friendships for her.
I can't get over expecting a friend to stop talking to someone because you are there, it's so needy.
I'm assuming the Op is probably watching her all the time and the friend finds it overbearing and quite odd and so is pulling away.

Doubt she's said anything about you to other people, but she sounds insecure so will want to try and 'own' the friendship group by finding low-key ways to exclude you.
Don't let her dictate your parent experience - try and pick off a few people to be friendly with and offer a play date. You don't need to have stacks of people but a few people in your sons network would be helpful and this horrible person doesn't get to isolate you and your son.

I would also agree that you need to take a deep breath and be wary of saying that they are all bitches. They are all just parents picking up their kids, doing their thing to pass the time. Sometimes you talk to people, sometimes you do not. Reading too much into whether or not someone chats to your will make your years of drop offs and pick ups very, very difficult on you.

What is her problem! That is awful! One of my daughters football team mates moved and they started Yr 7 together. I arranged a couple of play dates over the summer so she met some of the other kids going to the school. I also added her mum to the wassap group and invited her to a mum night out.

Your mate is not a friend.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

It's disappointing to think adult women behave like this. It's teenage girl nonsense and so pathetic.

She's not worth the bother. There must be lots of other mums at the school gates who aren't part of this main group who would be up for a chat.

Maybe pursue a friendship with other mums you see waiting- with this kind of cliquey behaviour I can guarantee you're not the only one feeling anxious and ostracized.

I would steer clear of the lot of them. Why do you want to be friends with horrible people?

This happened to me at my kids school years ago. I was upset like you, until I suddenly realised that they were not nice people and why did I want to go out with horrible people.

My son wasn't invited to a party and asked the boy why he had been left out. The boy said that his mum didn't like me. That's why. To this day I still have no idea what I did wrong. Maybe because I quickly stopped letting them make me feel bad about myself and it took their power away.

Move on. I'm glad I did.

I think your "friend's " behaviour is unkind and shows her character and I wouldn't trust her.
BUT
You could go down a rabbit hole imagining that she's been talking shit about you to the other mums, (many of whom have just as many hangups about how well received they are by the school gate crowd, and having worked their way into a conversation at last, they are unlikely to break it off to talk to a newcomer - at least at first) And some of those imaginings could be far worse than what she has actually said.

If she has said anything I'm betting it is more vague comments distancing herself as much as possible so no one thinks she is mean for not taking you under her wing. She's underplaying your previous acquaintance and intimating that she doesn't really know you that well. Which actually is fine, it's not implying there is anything sinister about you - she'd have to admit to knowing you well to imply that!

What she did say very clearly was that she didn't think you had to "live in each other's pockets" - a strong warning that she was backing off and recommending you did too. I would have read that as a big Eff Orf and not to expect anything from her in future, it's hurtful as you wouldn't have treated her like that and I'm not surprised that it was a big disappointment that someone you thought of as an ally has turned out to be the opposite.

Why is she doing this? I think its territorial. You are moving onto her hard-won turf and she resents helping you to take a shortcut. Perhaps she thinks that you will rely too much on her and she doesn't want to jeopardise new friendships by having someone to look after. or She's presented herself a certain way and doesn't want anyone who knows her better to undermine that (not that you would!) or she wants to be Queen Bee and doesnt want to take the attention off herself by being seen to help you. Or she's scared you will be better friends with her friends. She might be scared you won't stand on your own feet and lean on her. Or a mixture of all of those things. It might feel as if you are judged not good enough but its all about her insecurities and territorialism. The classic "its not you, its her" sums it up perfectly.

However, the longer you and your son are at the school, the stronger position you will be in. The new term is a new start. He won't be the newcomer who is still settling in, in September. You won't be the new mum either.

You are there for the next 7 years together - potentially 14 years if you both end up at same secondary school ( although mercifully its only the first 7 that have much impact) So don't think of her as someone you know well who has let you down.
She's clearly not an ally or remotely helpful to you any more, so just try to factor her out of your thoughts as much as possible, as if she's someone you briefly met somewhere and have no beef with, unconcerned and polite, just another mum. Keep your cool and don't be tempted to spill the beans about her at all if you can help it. Momentarily satisfying as it would be, making your disappointment with her apparent or telling other people at school (who might tell her) could create a bit of extra enmity or even retaliation from her -even though its undeserved! No one really needs to know anyway and you come across as more independent that way.
Also Unwittingly giving out a grudge vibe at pickup(the odd hard stare which would be so tempting, or standing there looking forlorn and needy wanting her attention (examples, I'm not suggesting you would) will come across to other mums and might make them wary of you. They are probably all a bit nervous and insecure in the group truth be told, they all recognise that their child is there for 7 years and want to fit in.
You've done well to just carry on so far and the teachers say your son is settling in and making friends, so congratulate yourself on that. Set up some one-to-one playdates, party for his birthday (if that's affordable), turn up to school events, clubs or outside school clubs so school isn't everything- you will soon get to know other mums, on your own terms, without her interference. I think you will soon find you are over the worst. Best of luck to you and your son

I'm really glad my youngest child is now at secondary school and I don't have to deal with this shit everyday!

It all seems so important at the time, but honestly, when your kids finish primary school, you'll barely ever see these people again. Even our school parents evenings are online now - it's literally been years since I saw the parents who used to be in the school playground with me every day.

My tip is to remember it's just the school run and that you don't need to make friends here.
Real friendships evolve naturally, so just smile, say hello and move on. Eventually natural circumstances enable people to get to know each other a bit better and form actual friendships.

I would love to hear the friends side of the story.
Here's mine
I joined a Spa, perfect , swim relax, sauna.
Time for me to destress.
An acquaintance/ colleague joined and made a beeline for me when she saw me.
From then on my lovely relaxing time was her ranting at me about work/ politics.
If I was talking quietly to someone else she was watching me, if I relaxed in the sauna she followed me, whirlpool, she stared at me.
Swim, you guessed it, she followed me .
So I tried subtlety to disengage, nope she still didn't get it.
Eventually she told everyone I was a nasty bitch, excluding her etc
I tried to be understanding but it was so intrusive and overbearing, zero social skills.
I had to find somewhere else in the end.

Whatever the reason your friend is pulling away, stop pushing forward.
She is sending you a message( rightly or wrongly, who knows?)
The more you push forward, the more she will back off.
Read the room, even if you think she's being unfair find new friends and get your son involved playdates with others.

There's always one mum that is Mrs Popular, I've never understood it? Was so bloody relieved when mine went to senior school and I could leave the playground crap behind