Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

She's not a friend and don't ever trust her.

It never occurred to me to make friendships at the school gate. I'd pull up walk to the gate wave to my kids and they'd come get in the car. I never thought anymore of it.
If I saw another parent out I'd say Hi but I couldn't tell you any names.
You only need a handful of genuine friends for a support network and a few casual friends and you won't find them in the playground in their shallow and superficial cliques.
You're not missing out, none of them mean anything to each other and they have to work so hard to keep up with the group to fit in. I couldn't be arsed with that.

Older mum here, my kids are grown up now but it's never been any different.
Most of the mums at the gate laugh at mums thinking their back in the playground, they really are a minority and most just want to get their child in or out the gates and get to work.
My kids turned out fine, popular and did well despite me not becoming a playground superbitch.

Toxic 'friend'. You need those like a bad case of Covid.

Why not join the school PTA, OP, and meet some other mums that way?

Your 'friend' has had time at the school to build a sort of persona that she thinks will make her popular.

You know the real her. This now makes her feel uncomfortable because you'd probably stand there in her group and be bemused! This is what it is.

You've stepped on 'her turf'. Some people are so weird like that. I can assure you that other parents can see what she is like, they always do! Make your own tribe. Smile. Be approachable and don't appear desperate. People will start to be intrigued by you. Have a quiet confidence.

I agree with suggesting playdates or having a party of your own. Do it! Good luck!

Your friend ignores you when you're around other people? Wow. That is no friend.

It sounds like intense school gate situation and it'll be good to not be part of it, breeze and and collect then go. It's great that your DS is settling in better and hopefully unaware of such dramas.

I wonder - did your friend want you to move so close? To the same school? Was she genuinely excited when you told her your plans and saw them through? I had a friend who was going to move very close - not a mum so no school factor - and for a moment I did feel a bit freaked out as I'm used to us having our own spaces and suddenly felt like I wouldn't be able to go on my daily walks without bumping into her and it could test our friendship, which is usually great but based on meeting up every month or so in equidistant places for a drink/chat and film/show, so this would've been a big shift. She moved to different area in the end so it hasn't affected our friendship and all is good, but I'm just mentioning this as everyone is saying your friend couldn't really be a friend, as if friends are all one type and we'd be thrilled to live close to them all. You can be good friends with a particular set up but changing that will inevitably affect things. Sure you can say I was being insecure and felt my identity threatened - well, yes I did, people do. I'd have got over it and adjusted but let's not pretend we're all infallible. Or assume the friend has been spreading shit about OP. Who knows what's going on with the other mums, but she could be being honest about the not being in others pockets thing, wanting to keep things separate. Hopefully she'll adjust.

Maybe she's worried about loosing her friends if you join the group so she's keeping you away from it

New person joins group, everybody likes them, starts inviting them to things, queen bee is no longer the centre of attention type thing?

@Canisaysomething He started this January gone so he spent half the last school year at his new school and started this week a new school year.

She sounds weird. She obviously has some issue around making friends and being an alpha mum. Read The Hive for a funny take on school mums. I always say, if you can see the behaviour, others will too. Just keep on keeping on, be smiley and friendly and over time invite a few of your child’s friends to meet up. The old phrase, give someone enough rope and they’ll hang themselves , applies here.

She's not you're friend.
And I don't get the desperation to be "friends" with the other school mums. Drop your kid off and go. Same at home time.
I have 4 children in school and don't give a toss about the other mums. They aren't my friends - and even if I was trying to make friends it wouldn't be mum's in the school playground.

It will be all about her, and what she has said about herself, OP. She's frightened you find out or even let the cat out of the bag. I'd distance myself from her. Speak to the people standing aline - you can't be the only one.

I think some of these school run threads are really unhelpful and stir up trouble and ill feeling

Maybe the other Mum gravitates towards people who are closer friends than you, not her fault if your child isn't invited to all the parties, she realised she had been tactless to mention an event you weren't going to. I don't think that sounds so bad. I'd be interested to hear her side of this story

People are being quite assuming about the friend here. It's a jump to say she is spreading mean gossip about you. There is zero evidence for this. If you were to think such a thing and cut her off on the back of some people on mumsnet, that would be a terrible thing to do. I can't imagine how upset I'd feel if a friend of long-standing cut me off for such a reason.

I do have another thought to put from my experience of friends and people. From what you've said she sounds very insecure and desperate to get in with people. Sometimes people like that are different or reflect back the person they are with. Sometimes they might even bump up things about their life or whatever. Therefore they can get uncomfortable mixing groups and particularly old friends because the old friend will immediately see through this or make them feel uncomfortable. The equivalent of mixing a sibling say, who knows you and all your weaknesses really well, with a bunch of people you're trying to talk yourself up to or present yourself as something different to!

I get from your post that you don't approve of her "sucking up" to people. So we maybe have a situation of one insecure person trying to get in with people and impress them, and an old friend who obviously disapproves of this, or at best, is fond of her for it but it still might embarrass her to big herself up in this way or ingratiate herself with others in front of you.

This is all the kind of stuff many people get out of their systems when they are young, but these social dynamics can continue with groups unfortunately with petty hierarchies and self consciousness and all that stuff.

Advice? I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She's your old friend. You know her. See it as her weakness. Maybe get to know a few quieter people on your own terms. Don't worry about the in groups and out groups. Then introduce your friend to them at some point, show her how it's done! It's the more confident thing to do. From your post you sound quite level-headed to me so I suspect you are a more confident person than your person fundamentally and so you don't have to let this upset you but forge your own way. Like your son has. Lots of kudos to him by the way! Shy but got in their anyway, and did things on his own terms. Impressive.

Hmm. I'm 50:50 here, because I have a friend who often muses about moving nearer us and sending her son to my son's school, and I just think NOOOOO! PLEASE NOOOOO!

Her son is lovely but lively. He has had problems with his schoolmates and my friend has had some run-ins with the school. If they move here the same problems would arise, but now they would affect my son. The whole thing would be awkward and honestly, the world is full of schools - why pick that one?

Did you discuss the move with her at the time? Was she enthusiastic about your DC attending the school? Are your children friends?

This is what I’d suggest too, get everyone to reply by WhatsApp and create a group for it, I did this for my DDs birthday in reception and we kept the group going for the class with an offshoot group for the parents who participate in meet ups or chat in the morning.
bypass this so called friend, she’s a game player!

Firstly, she is not a friend more an acquaintance. You need to let her go and focus on your son’s happiness. Maybe invite someone he has been playing with home for a play date. Honestly, she is not worth the headspace.

Same, I smile and say hello occasionally but have no interest in small talk twice a day with anyone

On the rare occasions that I've had small talk with someone they blank me the next day 😂 I can't be bothered with it at all

I agree with this.

She sounds quite insecure. I would say she's put a lot of time and effort into securing her place with the 'in crowd' and is now a bit territorial with it. So likely doesn't want to risk it by having more of a 1:1 with you. Or it could be that she's worried the other mums might like you more?

Going forward I would treat it as though she weren't there at all and make the effort to get to know other mums for yourself.

When is your DC's birthday? I would organise a big party and invite as many as possible. It's the perfect way to meet other parents and get your face/name out there.

Also afterschool activities - can you suss out what local activities kids in his class are doing?

Do you have your mum you could take with you? They're excellent ice breakers.

I went with my daughter to pick her son up from school and chatted to everyone. When my daughter said later "you interrupted the "cool mums" clique" I just replied "I'm cooler than them".

I moved to a new area when I was pregnant with my first son. I was a teacher and a colleague from my school ( who I thought I got on with) also moved to the area and was 3 months behind me in her pregnancy. After we had our babies she let slip that she was part of a mother and baby group. I asked if I could go to the next one. She mumbled and fudged about the date and time. I asked again and the same thing happened. In the end I asked my health visitor and she gave me the details. My colleagues face was a picture when she walked in and I was there. Some people are just odd Op. She isnt your friend . I am sorry this is happening to you.

@TheYearOfSmallThings
It was the only school in radius with spaces.

We was going to move prior to Covid to the same area and it fell through because of the obvious reasons. She moved there before covid and for me it was moving back home as it’s the area I grew up in.
If Covid didn’t disrupt the move we would have both gone to potentially the same school from the start😅

I agree with @bohemianmullet

im a single mum and needed a local support network of people I’m closer to on more than on nodding terms- for me and my son. Not many places to find that in your late thirties except school! So when I moved to this village I worked very very hard to make friends with other parents- including people I probably wouldn’t usually be friends with otherwise (lovely people just not tonnes in common at first glance).

If my oldest friend saw me with those parents, she’d probably think I’d lost my mind- I talk with genuine enthusiasm about stuff like the length of the waiting list for activities, who got an allotment etc etc- quite a difference from the stuff we talk about and the person she knows me as! (she knows me from my London days- parties, a bit more cynical, a bit more iD magazine than local parish newsletter!)

that’s not to say I’m pretending or lying or whatever in either scenario- but these facets of my life wouldn’t meld easily, and I wouldn’t really know what to do if my old friend turned up in my playground. Panic, probably!

How does one reconcile being the person with the best knowledge of local spots to forage for blackberries or who to speak to to get on that bloody allotment list, with having a daily reminder of the days when you said you “never wanted children” mocked boden mums mercilessly, and were more likely to be found passed out on a nightclub doorstep at 9am, than the school run? Whilst wearing your new Boden coat proudly?!

Im exaggerating slightly for effect ofc but you know what I’m saying I’m sure. I’d be gentler with your friend - maybe approach this with a more open mind.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been spreading rumours about you - she thinks you’re a threat to her somehow. Mums are still a bit ‘in charge’ of their kids’ social lives at this age too - not totally but they can make a big difference.
she’s def not a friend that’s for sure.
I did this sort of thing at 15 - well, once and it was because I was insecure and wanted people to see me as ‘cool’. I was about as cool as the equator!!!

Its a big ask to expect a FRIEND to facilitate her getting to know other mums and make friends?

Id expect exactly that from a friend.

I recommend watching all episodes of Motherland on BBC iplayer. It perfectly skewers the anxieties and awfulness of the school run and the gates, exposing the cliques and the subtle freezing out of those not 'in', while managing to be funny and witty and really good entertainment.