Friend goes weird on the school run

[Popcornlassie28]

I have been friends with someone for years and our children originally started in different schools but ended up moving house meaning our children then went to the same school.

My child originally had trouble settling and finding his place with the new children as he’s very shy and I also had a hard time settling with the parents. I would try and speak on the school run but often be blanked but thought nothing of it as it’s just the school run🤷‍♀️

Anyways, my friend is quite ‘in’ with the school parents and on collection she will be stood with her group talking on the playground and blank me? Only when other parents aren’t there she will speak to me? It’s like we don’t know each other but anywhere else she will speak to me?

I recently opened up to her about my child being left out of class parties and assumed maybe it was because he was still new and got forgotten about?

She tells me ‘You don’t want to be for everyone’ yet her child and her get invited to all class events outside of school and she sucks up to all of the parents to be involved.

She recently let slip about a large meet up in the holidays with most of the class and their parents but my son was not invited and I could see the panic on her face when she realised who she had said the information to.

If that were me and someone I knew (let alone a friend) and their child was joining the school I would be a bit more welcoming and introduce them on the playground rather than ignore them?

Am I being unreasonable?

She was your friend for years.
She’s decided that you’re no further use to her now.
It’s a harsh lesson but you know now that she’s a user.
Her new “friends “ have yet to find her out, but they will.

She is not a friend.

A real friend would be welcoming, introduce you to others, invite you to any parties or meet ups.

In your place I would wholesale ditch her beyond a cheery helllo. Ask your son to choose 5-6 friends for a play date. If the mothers are not in a rush incite them to stay at pick up for coffee or wine. Rinse and repeat for a few months - that should help. Don’t invite her.

*invite

Host a big Halloween party too and get the invites out now. Be prepared to be proactive. Don’t sit back and hope for the best.

I would encourage you to make friends outside the school. Don’t rely on it to provide company and friendship.

Who gets to school early to join in the chat? I find these threads about the school run fascinating- I don't often go on the school run but it is mostly drop and go at my dd's school, small talk with those you recognise and maybe a walk and talk with those who walk the same way. There's a whatsapp group between us that's very boring and just mostly updated about lunch, pe kit and uniform ... However, a lot of parents my way work so are always dashing about to get things done so could that be different?

Your friend sounds absolutely lovely. I reckon she's created a whole fake version of herself at that school, and she's worried that you will ruin that. In order to protect her reputation she could very well have influenced the other parents opinion if you to prevent you letting something slip that she doesn't want them to hear.
She won't have got to everyone though... for every mean girl I'm sure there's one or two who don't buy their bullshit so try to seek those out (they'll be the ones rolling their eyes in the corner) and make some lovely new relationships for yourself. I've said goodbye to some toxic friendships, and it's hard but so much better in the long run xx

She sounds very desperate and needy. Honestly that's really awful for you and your son. There must be other parents who feel like you. Nurtureca small group of you and have a blast. Let this toxic woman go. How pathetic! Some folk never grow up, its like being back at school. Playground mums can be the worse sometimes.

Is there a possibility that your ‘friend’ believes that you moved deliberately to be closer to her and finds that uncomfortable (or has told others that this is the case to seem more interesting)?

The school run is a really odd place. There is a mother from DDs class who completely blanks my mother (who does half of the pick ups). We don’t know why, but it has been going on for a couple of years now. People are weird, and horrible for you to be caught in the middle.

There's a lot of social climbing goes on at the school gates

I had someone like this in DS class, it does sting.

I ended up making friends with a couple of the other mums not so much from the ‘in crowd’ and they’re lovely and still really great friends now. If you do want to make some school mum friends (which is in no way essential btw 😉) I’d step away from this lot.

just on a final thing my DS sounds the same as yours, never got invited to many parties or meet ups (it bothered me a lot more than him) and was never was one of the popular kids at primary and when he went to secondary things totally changed for him, great bunch of mates and out all the time (too much now 😉).

This exact situation happened with me in some ways; except it was my friend who joined the school. I went out of my way to try include her etc but she ignored me and we were NCT friends our DDs had been very close up. We had loads of play dates during our mat leaves and meet at a baby group every Friday and do lunch after etc.

The girls became friends in school and she still struggled. Eventually I kind of realised it was because I think I knew too much, I’d supported her through her separation she then got back together with her Ex. Everyone knew from Day 1 of NCT that he was controlling. Anyway 12 years on, our DDs are still friends she has her own crowd of friends. I make a point of saying hello even when she’s with people. I tell everyone we are NCT friends and generally they’re in shock.

Tbh I feel sad for her, hard work being like that. So much easier to be nice in life. But I know her H is a wanker so part of me thinks he’s told her to keep her distance from me cos I know too much about how much of a wanker he is since she confided in me.

I've been exactly where you are OP. We were good friends with someone, and our DC were great friends having been to nursery together and regular play dates.

Within 3 months of starting school the parent started blanking us and their child was bullying ours.

What happened was the parent had made friends with seemingly more influential/richer friends (school governor etc) and obviously didn't want to associate with us any more.

I couldn't give 2 shits whether the parent wants to be friends with us, but encouraging the children to do the same to ours is absolutely awful. (Which they clearly did, the playdates suddenly stopped, and other things) when their child started attacking and threatening ours, the parents failed to deal with it.

It's called social engineering or king making. Influencing if you will, either way I really can't be fucked dealing with narcissistic individuals who only value friendships by what status they can bring.

We ended up moving our DC as the child's behaviour grew more and more unacceptable and wasn't dealt with because the school failed to manage it, although clearly that had nothing to do with one of the bullies being the school governor's child.

Now we've moved we've had no issues. Parents are friendly, and we've taken a slightly more cautious stance to parent relationships.

Totally agree this friend has been chatting shit about you. The only way to deal is to change them in front of their peers and call them out on their childish behaviour.

I would have play dates for you son as a way for him to develop more friendships. And appear to have a busy and happy life - zoom up to the school gates and zoom off. So you appear a fun person to know and not a lonely, needy one.
Make friends with Mums from interests outside school.
I understand disappointment if you are not included as it also affects DS. And of course people want friends with children of similar ages, at the same school is even better.
Is there someone on the periphery at the school gates you can chat to? The 'fun' clique can be fraught with difficulties.

So many school run threads these days! @Popcornlassie28 I read this as her thinking you aren't 'in' anymore and wanting to protect her own status. She isn't really responsible for keeping you involved though so I'd say make newer friends. You only really need the one. I'm not cool by far but I have some really good mum friends at the school scattered around rather than one big group. I'd hate a group mentality thing, sounds very mean girls ish!

Does she ever go to your house? I would manipulate it so her son left something behind & then go up to her in front of the other mums
’Your DS left this at our house when you were round yesterday, kids eh?’
If necessary find a small toy that your own DS won’t miss to offer up. She might deny the toy is her DS’s, but she’d look an idiot pretending directly she didn’t know you. Then introduce yourself to the rest of the group in a friendly way whilst ‘friend’ is still spluttering.

Crikey OP, it sounds like high school!
You're best off out of it and I hope your son settles soon

I never read all of the thread because bluntly , this is no friend.
Please let this “friendship” go.

Agree with this.
Thankfully I am pleased to have never been involved with any of this and have one or two genuinely nice ladies who I consider my friends after ten years of primary school. I drop and run.

I don't get the school gate nonsense. My kids go to after-school club so i don't pick them up until late anyway, but on the rare occasions I do, such as end of term, I have no idea who the parents of his classmates are and I don't care! Your 'friend' sounds extremely insecure and immature.

When did your child start at the school? YABVU if you've decided on all of this after a single week. Or has this been going on for a year already?

Agree she is not a friend. A friend would have introduced you to people and brought you into the fold.

I wonder if she puts a front on with these women and has maybe even exaggerated her lifestyle and if you get close you will find out she's lied.

I'd ignore her from now on and concentrate on getting to know people yourself. Even if it's just to say hello and a bit of small talk.

She’s got more faces than a town clock.

she is not your friend. Invest your time in other people.

She sounds dreadful, not a friend at all.

It's crazy.

I'd love to know what prize they think they're all going to win.

Your friend sounds awful and also very needy and insecure. It's one thing bumping into people/having friends you chat to but the way she phrased it about orchestrating bumping into them at a certain point so she isn't left out is a bit strange. I thought people were being OTT with their suggestions of her sabotaging you but after your further updates I think it's possible.

If I were you the next time she approaches you I'd say "Oh you're talking to me now no one is around to see?" or something like that. I'd have to confront her and I wouldn't bother trying to make friends with the people who blanked you either but that's just me. I'm an antisocial bitch but I get that some people prefer to have people to stand with.

I had this sort of with my SIL when we moved to this area. We not best friends but we always got on she kept saying I must have a coffee morning or lunch introduce you to everyone (a nice thing to do I think!) But didn't & then would ignore me or never include me when she with her possy. Anyway I just put myself out there & made my own friends mums of kids at nursery or infants & really a lot of her friends aren't my sort anyway. Maybe she realised that? 12 yrs on am still friendly with sil never fell out but just we have different friend groups with the odd crossover!