Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

She will come into her own

Could you find something better than retail for her gap year, it's honestly the most soul destroying environment

I'd suggest anything else but that!

I'm not really sure what options DD has, waiting tables is out of the question as DD wouldn't be able to carry/balance trays/drinks without tripping up/losing balance.
We are a small down and DD can't drive so we don't have many options without it infringing on her independence.

My friends kid had a similar situation re uni. She's got herself a sponsored place at a farm in Australia for the year. Going next week, time to reasses when she gets back. She wants to be a police officer so will try next YEAR

BCC is a perfectly decent set of a’levels and there’s nothing wrong with getting an average set of GCSE results either! Surely she just needs to look again at the type of course she wants to do or at alternative locations. She has lots of options open to her with those grades.

I also think it’s pretty normal to not really know what you want to do at 18! And nothing wrong with a year out either. But if she had a course in mind does that mean she has a career in mind? Is there anything related that she could look for as a job for this year?

So your DD is slightly chubby and you're comparing her, unfavourably, to someone with anorexia? I'm in no place to judge, but that's a red flag if ever I read one. Just show her you love her for who she is, without favour, ever.

I'm the sibling of an attractive, rock-star type. My folks have pictures of them in their teens/20s everywhere, none of me since I was about 6. They'd probably be mortified if I mentioned it, won't change the reality.

*Edit: red flag is harsh, genuinely not judging you OP, but from your daughter's perspective....

If your niece is a perfectionist with anorexia and anxiety then however it may seem from the outside, she very much doesn't have it easy. Just imagine hoe much pressure she must be putting on herself!
The best thing you can focus on for your daughter is what she can do - ok so her grades aren't the best but she has her A Levels and can go to uni, or perhaps start an apprenticeship? Loads of people go on to have great careers without great A Level results.

It is so difficult as DD doesn't want to go away from home, she is shy and would struggle. She also doesn't really know what she wants to do so in some ways I'm glad she missed the uni opportunity as I don't think she was actually invested in it, more just applied as she felt like she had to.

I would not dismiss the challenges of anorexia so lightly, nor the anxiety and perfectionism. That's a recipe for possible disaster in the future.

Honestly, comparison is the thief of joy, as I'm sure you'll have said to yourself many times. Your DD has got some solid a levels there and has options and a plan for the next year. I'd look to doing things with her that you and she enjoy, and builds her self esteem and confidence. Is there a challenge, an activity, a destination or anything similar that your DD would like to work towards?

Anorexia and divorced parents are nothing to envy.

I mean anorexia. Such an awful illness to battle. Be grateful beyond belief your girl isn’t tortured by perfectionism, anxiety and anorexia.

Totally agree.

"We" have decided that she's going to work in a supermarket, and you're crying because she got average grades and isn't slim?!

I sound much more like your daughter than your niece, I've got on ok in life despite having "nothing in my favour" 🙄There's nothing wrong with being normal.

Those are five grades, could she not have gone through clearing? It might not be too late.

You sound extremely defeatist, is it possible that’s rubbing off on her?

The way you describe your niece makes me very uncomfortable. You can’t just minimise the affect that an eating disorder has on a young woman and imply that it’s not that bad because at least she’s slim 🙄

This could be a description of me at 18 but I did find my way. I’m sure your DD will too. She has managed to get through school achievement GCSE’s and A levels and get a job. That show’s determination with the challenges she faces.

I did go to uni with similar grades. Lots of place will accept her. She might not struggle because she is shy.

I'm sorry it comes across like I'm comparing my slightly overweight DD to previously anorexic niece, I' m not.
I don't care about DDs weight (she very much does though) and it was awful watching my niece struggle, thank goodness she is in recovery now thanks to loving and supportive parents and some fantastic help from professionals, but I know that battle wasn't easy.

It's more the overall picture that makes me feel like DD has it worse, she just feels like there is nothing she can do. Which is so upsetting, as I do believe she could do anything she put her mind to.

I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety)

I think your attitude needs a serious rethink here.

You don’t know that DD “has it worse” and you’re not helping anyone by insisting she is.

I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

WTF? So things don't come so naturally to her do they, they come at a cost!

Apart from the ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia (which must make things really hard for your DD) she sounds like a lot of teens. Her A level results are good - not stellar, but solid. Considering her disadvantage, I'd be bloody proud of her for achieving what she has!

A year out will be good, it's a chance to let things settle, for her to experience life outside of education and have a think about what she wants.

Maybe her negativity is coming from you?

'We' have decided she's going to take a gap year and work in a supermarket.

Poor kid. Let her do what she a wants to do rather than what you've decided

People die from anorexia OP

She isn't willing to leave home and we only have 2 university's in reasonable commenting distance, one doesn't offer anything she is interested in the other she didn't make the grades for.

I understand your concern but I think that this time you need to be a bit more pushy. Having a gap year is probably not a bad idea but you need to help and support your daughter away from home otherwise she'll get stuck there. You need to help her learn to deal with finding a job, finding somewhere to live in a shared house and joining other young people. Your home town can't provide the opportunities she needs right now so you need to help her find them elsewhere. Pushing your child out of the nest to teach them to fly is always hard, but that's what we as parents have to do.

I'm sorry I was in no way trying to minimise my nieces struggles (fwiw she has been in recovery for 2+ years, and is by her own account doing much better now). That's not to say she didn't struggle and it was awful to watch. I'm sorry if I came across blasé about it.

So, you're disappointed in your daughter for

Attaining three passes at A Level in a year when multiple kids who didn't have to cope with ADHD and Dyspraxia were unable to do so,

Following two years of education disrupted and having no previous experience of formal external examinations,

Being a healthy weight instead of suffering from an Eating Disorder that has one of the highest death rates over a lifetime than almost every other mental illness.

Not having boys lurking around her during school.

and your solution is to cry and tell her to get a job in a supermarket because she only got perfectly good results and nobody has wanted to fuck her yet?

I'm not surprised she has low self esteem if you think she's a failure instead of an absolute success story. You should be shouting it from the rooftops how fantastic she is, not bewailing the absence of misery in her life.

Are you really feeling empathy for your DD not having things easy, or are you actually venting your frustration that she isn't slim/high-achieving/driven? Because it sounds to me like the latter.

When have you ever met anyone professionally or socially and thought “ wow I bet she debates really well and I can’t wait to hear her play the piano”. What does your DD like doing? Cooking? Decorating? Walking dogs? Could her gap year be focused on something she finds interesting?