Page 8 | No toys downstairs- worried

Ceci03 · 2023-09-08T14:28:18+00:00

So I visited a new friend who has 2 girls 6 and 4 but there were no toys downstairs. Like none. I'm a bit worried . I did go upstairs and saw a few baby books and they had 2 cuddly toys each on their bunks. I dunno. My kids are older now but I just remember toys everywhere and def in the sitting room maybe try and keep them to a corner. There was just sofa and tv. They watched tv while we chatted . I'd like to get them some toys but am unsure I don't want to offend my friend. I know she struggles financially.

Goldbar · 09/09/2023 09:18

WhatWouldMrMannersSay · 09/09/2023 08:05

Also the 'one toy out at a time' thing is just awful. No way I'd impose this on my kids. I knew someone from my NCT class who insisted on this kind of thing and we disengaged pretty quickly, she was so uptight I couldn't be around her. I felt like she was really scornful of my more relaxed approach.

I agree with this. People take different approaches and have a different tolerance for mess, but there are two reasons why I'd never go down the "one toy at a time" route. The first is that then you are somewhat limiting the ways in which the toy can be played with to those intended by its designer. Children often come up with their most imaginative games when they mix toys... for instance, building a huge structure out of blocks for animals to live in and then trying to knock it down with cars.

The second is that children often come back to toys. If you let them leave their game out for a bit, they'll often come back to it and keep playing it and developing it in between doing other things.

crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 09:19

The one toy out at a time can also stifle imagination, DS would combine many toys together in his play. We also kept toys that technically were too young for him as he still included them in his play.

And for people who only let their children play in their bedrooms do you not read a book, watch tv in the lounge, why should children only be allowed to entertain themselves in their room?

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:19

meatbaseddessert · 09/09/2023 09:17

It's a very recent thing to have children's toys everywhere. I was only ever allowed to have toys downstairs if I was playing with them. They had to go back to my room into the toy box when I'd finished. Don't remember any of my friends houses having toys downstairs either.

There was a huge bookshelf though full of books I could have helped myself to.

A room of Chinese made garish plastic does not mean a child is well looked after or indeed vice versa

Exactly

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:25

Playing outside with parents.
Out on bikes
Park
Feeding the ducks
Etc etc

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:38

WhatWouldMrMannersSay · 09/09/2023 08:03

I find it odd that people proudly announce that you wouldn't know a child lived in the house because they're so tidy and all the toys get out away. Absolutely not how I'd want to live. My children very very much live in the house and it's obvious! Their things are every bit as important as mine. Also some of their toys are just too big to be put completely out of sight. Toy kitchen, rocking horse, dolls house etc.

I don't think you're wrong OP. I remember reading about social workers who missed clues before the death of a neglected child - think it was Victoria Climbie. They asked her what toys she has and she returned after a long time with a plastic cup and a hair bobble. I'm not comparing your friend with that at all but as others have said, not having any toys is not normal.

Did she proudly announce you wouldn't know kids lived here?
I'll have to read whole thread again as I don't remember that!

Original poster

Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 10:14

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:18

Turn this around too:-

It could be said some people can't be bothered to play with their children so just bombard them with loads of toys instead of interacting with them.
Maybe these people are on mobile phone while children play with mountains of toys!?

but could play:-

I spy
Hide and seek
Maybe she takes them to the park
Drawing
Cooking
Old boxes great fun to make a den
Blanket over a couple of chairs
Cards
Board games-you can get ten games in one box.
Sewing
Knitting
All sorts of games can be played without hundred of toys everywhere.
Use your imagination.

As I said before I find this post really judgmental. Typical make a story out of nothing scenario.

Yes I agree. But the girls didn't play anything and I was there for more than 2 hours

OP posts:

Original poster

Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 10:16

letmesailletmesail · 09/09/2023 08:59

What did the children do whilst you were there? When I had a friend around when my children were that age, I would have been encouraging them to play or draw or something so that they were occupied.
My house isn't that tidy. Some of my friend's houses are. When their children were that age, there would always be a play kitchen or similar big toy in site and something like a Kallax unit (or swisher version) which you could tell had toys in it (often as there was something sticking out or an electronic toy would randomly start playing a tune). For there to be no sign is odd - not necessarily a problem but unusual.
Did the mum give the impression that they spend all day out doing things? Perhaps if they're only at home for short spells, that might explain it if they're then on screens at home. But, with children that age, that's quite a lot of the day to fill. And my experience is that if children are used to either being out or on screens, they won't just sit quietly & entertain themselves when another adult is around as they're used to constant stimulation.

They watched tv and played on my friends phone. They can't play outside on their own it's not suitable. I just found it odd that they didn't run and get a toy or a book or some colouring etc.

OP posts:

Batalax · 09/09/2023 11:50

People are completely missing the point.

Its ok to be tidy and want everything put out of sight at the end of the day or for visitors. People have gone into great detail about where they tidy things up.

The op thinks there is nothing hidden away in such a tiny place. She’s hoping she’s wrong. But if she’s not, it’s very worrying.

Next time you are there Id ask the girls to show you their favourite toys. If they can’t, then that will lead into a conversation with mum and id be putting in my opinion, in hopefully a non confrontational way. I really don’t think I could ignore it. It’s not right.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 11:52

Maybe the children were just curious about you and wanted to stay near mum and be part of things.
If you went around there more your friend might get more relaxed too and leave things out.
Don make an story out of nothing.
She probably just tidied up.
These days people can't win. If the house messy people would be judging too.
I've heard mums at school gates in past like vultures picking at other people, criticising, boasting about how great their kids are etc etc
I don't think she would have invited you around if she had something to hide.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 11:53

Batalax · 09/09/2023 11:50

People are completely missing the point.

Its ok to be tidy and want everything put out of sight at the end of the day or for visitors. People have gone into great detail about where they tidy things up.

The op thinks there is nothing hidden away in such a tiny place. She’s hoping she’s wrong. But if she’s not, it’s very worrying.

Next time you are there Id ask the girls to show you their favourite toys. If they can’t, then that will lead into a conversation with mum and id be putting in my opinion, in hopefully a non confrontational way. I really don’t think I could ignore it. It’s not right.

Have you read whole thread

crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 12:05

@dontgetit75 have you read the whole thread? The OP has said the woman is struggling financially. There didn’t appear to be anywhere for toys to be stored away. No craft on display. Now they may be outdoorsy children but then surely (depending on the time of the visit) you would probably meet at the park, so kids could run around and the adults can sit on a bench and chat.

People who works with children on this thread have said this scenario would raise a question in their professional role.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 09/09/2023 12:06

OP you're not judging you are worried.
Help if you feel you can. Take a couple of toys next time you go. My DD is 20 but I remember the Disney princess multi packs. They were usually discounted. £20? Let yours and hers choose one and put on a story.
Take no notice of the people saying you are being nasty. Kindness is key here.
Fwiw. I fed one of my daughters friends, he had our left over dinners after school, another was refused more than one shower a week and the other beaten until I called the police. Naice middle class town.

onwardsup4 · 09/09/2023 12:31

MumblesParty · 08/09/2023 16:06

Money really is no excuse. I went to a charity shop this afternoon and could have kitted out a whole reception class room for less than a fiver.

Wow really , are you sure about that ?

TawnyLarue · 09/09/2023 12:32

As an aside, the word is drawer. Not draw. Drawer.

Where has this draw hideousness come from?

WandaWonder · 09/09/2023 12:53

We had toys that people would not know were there when they visited

Why do people find things to have to choose to worry about? Is this a new hobby?

Wakintoblueskies · 09/09/2023 12:57

Ceci03 · 08/09/2023 15:34

Ah ok but it's a v small place. Where would
The toys be there's no storage downstairs no cupboards in the sitting room. Under the stairs was full of things like shopping bags and general stuff like mops. I was there for 2-3 hours in the afternoon and the children didn't go and get anything to play with

It’s strange you saw so much of her space and how she uses it during your visit. You even know where she keeps her old plastic bags. That is very strange.

If you are genuinely concerned, you could get her kids Dobble as a little thank you gift or something and see how that goes down?

Original poster

Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 13:27

Ah @Wakintoblueskies I think you're the one being judgy here. Under the stairs is open. There was a mop and a broom and some bags for life there. I noticed as my friend was showing me a little trolley she got for bringing heavy stuff up to the apartment. We were having a right laugh at her trolley . And no I'm not a nasty nosey person . I think I'm leaving this thread now. Some people just want to have an argument I think. Thanks to all
The genuine people who offered advice

OP posts:

Ladyoftheknight · 09/09/2023 13:27

When I tidy, every toy gets put away. In toy boxes, drawers, closets,etc. But there's always books on the shelf, decorative toys on the TV unit etc. Hiding all traces of kids is weird but if she just tidies and organises well- good for her!

Crapsummer2023 · 09/09/2023 13:31

‘It’s strange you saw so much of her space and how she uses it during your visit. You even know where she keeps her old plastic bags. That is very strange. ‘

This. I feel sorry for the mum. She’s struggling financially, which may mean she doesn’t socialise much. She was probably excited to make a new friend and tidied, hiding toys and anything else she thought may seem messy under the beds, stuffed in coat cupboard etc, asking the kids to be quiet and on ‘best behaviour’ to impress her new well to do friend. And her friend comes on MN to do a Columbo on her. Poor woman.

Yellowlegobrick · 09/09/2023 13:47

Its not only the lack of toys

Its the absence of any evidence of play/normal child activity.

If op had seen no toys, but a child had been tugging her hand asking her to read a book, or had been in the kitchen happily decorating biscuits, or playing dens under the clothes airer, op wouldn't have been worried.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 14:22

TawnyLarue · 09/09/2023 12:32

As an aside, the word is drawer. Not draw. Drawer.

Where has this draw hideousness come from?

You're joking

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 14:26

crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 12:05

@dontgetit75 have you read the whole thread? The OP has said the woman is struggling financially. There didn’t appear to be anywhere for toys to be stored away. No craft on display. Now they may be outdoorsy children but then surely (depending on the time of the visit) you would probably meet at the park, so kids could run around and the adults can sit on a bench and chat.

People who works with children on this thread have said this scenario would raise a question in their professional role.

Yeah have you read the whole thread?
I already made it clear I had so why ask that!
Lots of people work in professional roles with children but doesn't always mean they know best.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 14:29

It was stated by the poster that she might be struggling financially not that she was.
Here we go again making assumptions!

crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 14:31

@dontgetit75 in her opening post OP said she knows she is struggling financially

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 14:34

Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 13:27

Ah @Wakintoblueskies I think you're the one being judgy here. Under the stairs is open. There was a mop and a broom and some bags for life there. I noticed as my friend was showing me a little trolley she got for bringing heavy stuff up to the apartment. We were having a right laugh at her trolley . And no I'm not a nasty nosey person . I think I'm leaving this thread now. Some people just want to have an argument I think. Thanks to all
The genuine people who offered advice

I think you are overthinking and sensitive.
You wrote the post.
People are going to give their opinions whether you agree with them or not.
That's the point of a forum like this that you get lots of different responses from people. We are all individuals and have our own way of thinking about things.
I personally think you are making this a bigger issue than it is. That doesn't mean you are a bad person. You are entitled not to agree with me but that's my view.