No toys downstairs- worried

[Ceci03]

So I visited a new friend who has 2 girls 6 and 4 but there were no toys downstairs. Like none. I'm a bit worried . I did go upstairs and saw a few baby books and they had 2 cuddly toys each on their bunks. I dunno. My kids are older now but I just remember toys everywhere and def in the sitting room maybe try and keep them to a corner. There was just sofa and tv. They watched tv while we chatted . I'd like to get them some toys but am unsure I don't want to offend my friend. I know she struggles financially.

I have a friend who refuses to buy toys for her child. She says she wants him outdoors most of the time, and toys would distract him from wanting to go out with her.

I find it weird and controlling.

My son has absolutely loads of toys - boxes and boxes of Lego, playmobil, action toys, hotwheels, but you wouldn’t know this by just judging from downstairs as they are all in very organised storage or up in his bedroom.

I work mainly from home so downstairs needs to be quite orderly and chaos free (apart from at weekends where anything goes!)

Please don’t judge other Mums - In the nicest possible way, I think you’re poking too much into her business. The toys could be stashed under the children’s beds in storage, or kept in ottomans, anything.
If she was indeed struggling financially, she would be able to get toys from Facebook marketplace or freecycle etc.

Some people prefer minimalist living, so maybe that’s another thing to consider.

I think the OP has looked through the ottomans.

😳😳😳

Tidy up your house and next thing your 'friend' is on the internet flapping about whether your children are neglected or you are poverty striken because they can't find the toy stash.

It sounds as if you are right to be worried. It can’t be financial as you can pick up toys cheaply second hand or even free. It’s not good developmentally to have nothing. That’s not the makings of a good parent.

Maybe she’d tidied them all in her room because you were coming?

I hated toys everywhere, especially in the evening when they were in bed. All toys were tidied away to the extension room and, once they were older, into their rooms. Far more civilized.

If you came into my home after I've tidied up you wouldn't even think I had a kid
If you came in before I tidied you wouldn't be able to move for toys
Clever storage

I always had a "1 toy out" policy when DD was small. The house was small so once she had finished playing with something it had to be put away before she got something else out. If anyone had visited that didn't know, then it would have seemed that DD only had 1 thing to play with.

Did you check the floor based kitchen cupboards OP...that,s where DD's toys were stored.

I had loads of toys when I was a kid, but they got put away into a cupboard when I wasn't playing with them and when I wanted to play with something I just went to the cupboard and got it out. My toys weren't just left piled up in the living room. To be honest, my friends' toys weren't either. We got things out to play with and then they got put back at the end of the day. And they would definitely have been tidied up visitors came round.

I still had non-stop access to them and I still made a hell of a mess when I was playing with them. I'm sure your friend's kids are perfectly fine.

Yes, it's the first thing you're taught in safeguarding. You have to get out of the habit, if something you see concerns you and wondering what to do about it, of thinking "what if I'm wrong?" and instead think "but what if I'm right?"

It's not a judgement, as some posters seem to think. It's not even an assumption. It's someone with half a brain seeing something and thinking "There is the slightest chance this MAY indicate something more." Of course there may be a whole box full of toys stored somewhere out of OP's sight. It would be fairly easy to bring the conversation around to toys/tidiness or asking if they could use x/y/z toy that their sister was giving away etc and see what this mum said. She may well say, "oh there is a cupboard upstairs on the landing FULL of toys. They really don't need any more but thankyou." As OP gets to know the family more she will soon get to know if the children sit there all the time during each visit, or if they disappear upstairs to get something to play with and bring it down to show OP.

Even in cultures which don't have plastic tat, or in poor countries where they couldn't afford it anyway, they usually make toys out of whatever materials they have to hand. In years gone by in Western countries, parents made dolls out of rags, or pegs, and encouraged imaginary play. Pull along toys made out of cotton reels for wheels, string etc etc. A mini army of soldiers made out of bits of wood with the figures painted on etc. Boats made out of an empty coconut shell or walnut shell, cocktail stick and paper for a sail. Dolls houses made out of cardboard boxes or orange crates. Lots of boys had home made gokarts.

It really is very unusual for children not to have playthings. I would definitely try to establish, sensitively, if there was SOMETHING for the children to play with in the house, even if it were hidden away on your visit. Children's books are also easy to come by from the library or for pennies, or passed on by friends and relatives. A house with no children's books whatsoever is a bit sad.

I'm guessing it was like A to Zens kids bedroom (see link below, yes that massive white room with just 2 plain back to back beds and a chest of draws is her kids actual bedroom)... I find it soul sucking but people do CHOOSE to live like that.

https://atozenlife.com/family-minimalism/

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with this. They did HAVE toys though. That's the point - OP is just at the stage of not knowing if there are any in the house.

So she hunched the house before your visit? Is she obsessed with sm?

Tbh my sister was like this, instructions that any gifts must be great and / or wooden. We don't speak anymore.

Hinched!

@HardcoreLadyType why would it be good idea to give things from a charity shop as a present? if @Ceci03 wants to give some gifts for the children, I am sure the friend would be happy. and she can buy something new within her budget- doesn't have to be expensive

This seems so stifling of creativity... today my DD pushed her mega block round in her dolls pram with her brothers spiderman. Stopping to build a village for spiderman along the way then sat in the middle and read her picture book.

It took at least 4 toys (pram, megablocks, spiderman & book) for her to do that.

It can be a red flag OP so you're not wrong to be a bit concerned

Hopefully she's just a bit OCD

I agree it can be a bit of a red flag. It can correlate with poor parenting/a need for parenting support if there aren’t varied and age appropriate toys available. You can get the odd thing for 50p And also there is a lot given away so it is strange to have almost nothing.

However, there isn’t too much you can do, I think the offer of giving a few toys is a nice one ‘oh I saw this and thought your DC might like it’. I don’t think it’s ‘reportable’ on its own and it’s good that you’ve seen her be loving to her children.

Didn't stifle her creativity at all. Just 1 example, she was obsessed with "the Lion King" at the age of 5 and had a tin of animals ( which I think count as 1 item), that featured in the film (although not the actual characters). The dining char became Pride Rock and she would spend literally hours conjuring up scenarios ("Scar" being told off by an elephant for eating all the chocolate was one of my favourites). When she had finished, all the animals went back in the tin, put back in the cupboard and something else would come out.

Nevwr kept toys downstairs would bring some down for the day but when they wasn't played woth they would go back upstairs! Couldn't cope with toys stored downstairs all over!

@CurlyhairedAssassin my mother was a copper. Lots discussed at home. I have also been an adult educator. People tell me things. I probably have a coppers nose. I am bold enough to risk being told to bog off but I hate to think of someone in need. I pay for parking and shopping when people are in a pickle. I've been rich and poor.
When we were kids we got given lots. My sister and I fought over the fashion clothes of our mother's friend's daughters. It was just a little kindness to a large family in the 1970s.

Aw OP I think this a completely fair enough thing to be concerned about. I’d feel very sorry for a friend who I thought perhaps couldn’t afford toys for their kids. Perhaps they were put away perhaps not. Do either of the kids have a birthday coming up? No need to shower with lots of presents but a couple of things you they’d really like (without being too over the top or fancy) would be a nice thing to do. Or maybe bring them some nice paper and colouring pens?

Sounds to me like she’s a deepcover spy and the family aren’t real. Don’t pry if you don’t want to be dealt with.

@otherwayup

I'd agree if the children HAD NOT BEEN THERE. I'd would have tidied the toys away for an adult only event. But don't children have the right to play in their own house? By not having toys out, it makes it look like there aren't any.

And I think your use of the word 'ridiculous' is patronising. A simple "I dont agree" would suffice, not followed by emojis.

None of your business?