No toys downstairs- worried

[Ceci03]

So I visited a new friend who has 2 girls 6 and 4 but there were no toys downstairs. Like none. I'm a bit worried . I did go upstairs and saw a few baby books and they had 2 cuddly toys each on their bunks. I dunno. My kids are older now but I just remember toys everywhere and def in the sitting room maybe try and keep them to a corner. There was just sofa and tv. They watched tv while we chatted . I'd like to get them some toys but am unsure I don't want to offend my friend. I know she struggles financially.

I knew a family where the 3 children had one shoebox of toys each and they was it. The 8 year old was still in a cot bed and whichever games or books were ‘outgrown’ (think, ‘age 3-4 and the youngest child turned 4) were immediately thrown out. It was a large house and there was plenty of money, it was really really sad.

it isn’t right that in 2 hours neither child played with a toy, it’s weird and sad. Children’s house should have toys in them, in their rooms, maybe some books/games on the shelves downstairs even if most is tidied away. I agree with you, it’s disturbing. The majority of replies on here are the usual AIBU desperate to have an argument with the op.

Does she seem like a good mum? Is there a dad?

I think the OP is being fair enough.

Yes it's entirely possible they've been tidied away but also entirely possible they've no toys.

In your shoes I'd probably ask some questions. I'd be asking where the toys were and how it was so tidy out of genuine curiosity as our house is full of toys everywhere and never tidy. I'm always amazed at how well some people manage the inflow if toys and manage storage.

Maybe next time you go, take something like Connect 4 or something "I've been dying to play this shall we take turns while I have a cuppa" then if they enjoy it you can ask to leave it with them. If you don't think leaving it would he welcome then take it home when you leave (and bring a different game or toy next time)

When I meet friends with kids for a coffee, there is often a small toy exchanged. Either you haven’t seen each other for a while so you bring a present, or someone’s birthday was a month ago, or your kid outgrew a toy so you thought the other kid would like it… not every time but it happens and it’s never a cause for an offence. So I’d bring a small gift next time you see the kids. Don’t say anything patronising. Can’t imagine them being upset about it.

Maybe they're neatly tidied away, or in the kitchen, or garden, or in their bedrooms. Maybe they prefer not to drown their kids in an ocean of beeping flashing plastic tat. People have dramatically different ideas about number of toys and what play looks like.

If you are genuinely concerned, then wait for the next birthday, or Christmas, and ASK your friend if you can give a present, and what she'd suggest for them. Then do as she asks.

aw this is a bit miserable. How old are your kids?

My house is a bit messy through the day but I’m keen that the kids are relaxed in their home. As long as their toys are taken back upstairs and put away at bedtime then I don’t really care if they bring them downstairs to play during the day.

my sister in law has the same rule as you. Her three year old spends a lot of time alone in her bedroom with her toys. Which, knowing my sister in law, is the reason she has rule in place (not saying that’s your reasoning!)

My house is a mess of toys! But that doesn’t mean it’s right.

Unless there is a massive drip feed and you have other concerns, then I think you are being a bit unreasonable in your concern.

If your kids are older, could you tell her you're clearing out their old toys and would she like any before they go to the charity shop?

I don't see how she could take offence at that. It's quite common to offer used clothes/toys to friends with younger children, regardless of their financial situation.

She probably just tidied up because she knew you were visiting. She probably has a toy cupboard or toy box in the kids room and besides not everyone let's their kids play in the front room, some parents insist kids play and keep their toys in their room.

Mind your own.

My daughter has the largest bedroom in the house for the reason that all of her toys and bookcase are in there! She loves it, and it’s great for when her friends come over and we mums can chat in peace in the lounge and the girls can play upstairs in the huge playroom/bedroom. She’s seven. The dog would be chewing all of her toys if they were downstairs!

🙄or just someone who likes a tidy space rather than sitting amongst kid's junk?

OP - I agree with you. We had neighbours - v well off - who didn't have toys for years because they didn't want untidy, ugly toys. When my kids and other neighbourhood kids were out playing, these kids didn't know what to do. They looked lost and a bit haunted. So, yeah, definitely legitimate to be concerned. Might be super tidy, or might be neglectful of the needs of children...

Children don't need lots of toys.

Mine preferred the great outdoors and toys were in their bedrooms or a back room. We didn't have toys in our sitting room at all.

She sounds like a minimalist.

My family member is like that and I forever think 'where is your stuff at? like how do you actually function without things?'. People say 'oh it will be in cupboards' etc... but I have lived in her house and seen in her cupboard and really theres next to nothing. They are the kind thats understairs cupboard has a small hoover, 1 coat each and 2 pairs of shoes each and a reusable shopping bag and thats it for things they are 'storing'.

However I also know she thinks we live in a uninhabitable shithole full of stuff and she would be horrified if I bought 'clutter' for her house.

We are just very different people.

Maybe they’re not that into toys. One of my girls would happily draw, scribble or just potter around and wasn’t fussed about toys. Also, I was fanatically tidy and would sweep through the house before any visitors arrived.

This phrase: ‘I dunno’ is all over MN at the moment! OP if you ‘dunno’ then it’s not a major thing, just move on.

Yes this is what I was trying to say . I did feel sad. I get that people have different levels of mess they can cope with but it was odd to me. Like not a piece of Lego or a doll or a game or a puzzle. I realize I probably had too many toys but this was extreme to me. She's a lovely mum very loving and looks after the girls great they always dressed in nice clothes and very clean and hair done nice. Actually I think my own kids used to be a lot dirtier ha ha No contact with their dad . It's a small place no garden I just was curious where the toys were. No cupboards or storage that I saw. But maybe I'm just overthinking it. And I'm super sensitive that she mite be struggling financially and don't want to pass any comment

I agree it's unusual, particularly for the 4 year old. If the kids were otherwise playing by themselves, making up games, etc, or doing craft/drawing/colouring, etc, I'd have just assumed they preferred that than toys, but to just be watching TV is quite sad.

I don't think you can say much after one visit. As you get to know her and them a little better, you might be able to find an opportunity to mention it in some way, or fabricate a story to offer them something you've seen in a Charity shop or Marketplace ("a friend of mine is getting rid of a dolls house and wondered if I knew anyone that might like it - is it something your DC might enjoy?").

There were no crayons or art stuff or craft things . I had a pen in my bag and we did some noughts and crosses ona bit of paper I found in my handbag. Maybe I will look at my daughters toys she is too old for and offer a couple of things. I'll offer them to my friend but not in front of the children . I definitely don't want to offend her I like her

There was nothing in the bedroom though. They share a room and there was a bunk bed with a couple of teddies on each and a dresser with clothes. So tidy and empty I thought compared to a usual bedroom.

But yeh mind my own business seems to be the general sense on this thread

I was always brought up to tidy the house before visitors came

We used to have a downstairs playroom. If the door was shut you might think we had no toys, and I'll readily admit I didn't like toys in the sitting room, or elsewhere, downstairs. There were also toys in the bedroom.

It might be something like that.

Well if we're going to get technical about it...

There's a far greater benefit in imaginative and pretend play - i.e. NOT being provided with specific toys but in creating them out of what's around you.

Then on top of that, there's different benefits of continuous and enhanced provision (the balance between a specific stimulating environment and the ability of a child to go back and forth between particular toys of different levels).

I won't be allowing piles of piles of toys that I see everywhere in houses these days because not only does it look like an appalling mess, but it's not even that good for development to be overwhelmed with choices at all times.

Perhaps your title should have been along the lines of No Toys At All then.

Because No toys downstairs implies that there was just no toys downstairs. Which would be a ridiculous thing to be worried about.