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Original poster

No toys downstairs- worried

219 replies

Ceci03 · 08/09/2023 15:28

So I visited a new friend who has 2 girls 6 and 4 but there were no toys downstairs. Like none. I'm a bit worried . I did go upstairs and saw a few baby books and they had 2 cuddly toys each on their bunks. I dunno. My kids are older now but I just remember toys everywhere and def in the sitting room maybe try and keep them to a corner. There was just sofa and tv. They watched tv while we chatted . I'd like to get them some toys but am unsure I don't want to offend my friend. I know she struggles financially.

OP posts:
meganorks · 08/09/2023 19:57

Maybe tidied away as you are visiting? Or do they have a dog? We have no toys downstairs since we got a dog

Strikeback · 08/09/2023 20:17

I agree with you, OP, and I find it odd, and weirdly defensive, that so many people can't seem to read your posts.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 08/09/2023 20:58

Cosycardigans · 08/09/2023 17:17

I have a friend who refuses to buy toys for her child. She says she wants him outdoors most of the time, and toys would distract him from wanting to go out with her.

I find it weird and controlling.

She sounds very odd.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 00:07

PeapodBurgundy · 08/09/2023 18:43

Toys are banned from my living room, that's my space, the DC rarely go in it, toys certainly don't, so people visiting me may not see a toy for the duration of the visit. We have a family room and playroom which is where the chaos lives. Guests rarely see it, as it's usually messy.

No definitely not this. It's small like I said . A very small kitchen just enough to stand in no room for a table and chairs or anything like that. Then a v small sitting room with couch and tv and clothes airing . That's all the downstairs. And they don't have a garden or a dog

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 00:09

crumblingschools · 08/09/2023 18:28

Where there any scribbled pictures stuck on the fridge etc?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 00:25

Fivebyfive2 · 08/09/2023 17:04

So they have no toys downstairs, 2 teddies and a few books upstairs and no garden? Wtf do they do all day? Yes this is weird. I get some people are minimal, don't want loads of stuff everywhere etc. But that seems quite extreme to me.

Thank you! I get that people clear away their sitting rooms in the evenings etc but nearly everyone has said they put the toys in the bedroom or in storage boxes. I just didn't see anything. Like if you were just in the downstairs you wouldn't know there were 2 little girls living there. Ok I'm probably just a nosey busy body but my dd is 19 and in all the years I have visited friends and family I've never seen zero toys. Like zero. I really hope there is a stash of toys somewhere. But to me it was unusual that they didn't run off and play or have something in their hands or have something to play with. I do have lots of toys from when my kids were that age but I don't want to cause any offense . I guess she will say no if she doesn't want them though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 00:26

PeapodBurgundy · 08/09/2023 18:43

Toys are banned from my living room, that's my space, the DC rarely go in it, toys certainly don't, so people visiting me may not see a toy for the duration of the visit. We have a family room and playroom which is where the chaos lives. Guests rarely see it, as it's usually messy.

Right but they just have 1 sitting room

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 09/09/2023 00:29

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 08/09/2023 17:50

@CurlyhairedAssassin my mother was a copper. Lots discussed at home. I have also been an adult educator. People tell me things. I probably have a coppers nose. I am bold enough to risk being told to bog off but I hate to think of someone in need. I pay for parking and shopping when people are in a pickle. I've been rich and poor.
When we were kids we got given lots. My sister and I fought over the fashion clothes of our mother's friend's daughters. It was just a little kindness to a large family in the 1970s.

What are you saying @CurlyhairedAssassin . You think I should give them a few things? I do want to

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/09/2023 06:36

Has she had to come from an abusive relationship and this is all they have?

If they wanted to show you their bedrooms they probably would have shown you their toys too

Yellowlegobrick · 09/09/2023 06:59

Id be concerned. We were invited for a playdate with a girl from DC class, age 5, and it was very noticeable they had few toys or books. Kids just watched tv a lot. I know the family much better now and know that mum struggles with major mental health problems and was raised in an abusive home, essentially has no idea of what's normal for children to have.

I'd be concerned in OP shoes too.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 09/09/2023 07:03

My 6 and 3 year old keep all toys in their bedrooms and play together in there. (We live in an apartment abroad so bedrooms on the same floor as living room so they’re not unattended when they play!) No toys in the living room at all - they just don’t bring them in?

Dguu6u · 09/09/2023 07:15

Wow, very judgemental. You are jumping to conclusions, while you should be minding your own business. Definitely don't get them toys.

Wordsmithery · 09/09/2023 07:19

Ignore the negative comments here. I completely get why you are concerned. However... it's quite possibly just a different way of parenting - TV not toys. Personally, I'd take something as a gift next time, like a game or an outdoor toy, and spend some time playing with the kids.

WhatWouldMrMannersSay · 09/09/2023 08:03

I find it odd that people proudly announce that you wouldn't know a child lived in the house because they're so tidy and all the toys get out away. Absolutely not how I'd want to live. My children very very much live in the house and it's obvious! Their things are every bit as important as mine. Also some of their toys are just too big to be put completely out of sight. Toy kitchen, rocking horse, dolls house etc.

I don't think you're wrong OP. I remember reading about social workers who missed clues before the death of a neglected child - think it was Victoria Climbie. They asked her what toys she has and she returned after a long time with a plastic cup and a hair bobble. Sad I'm not comparing your friend with that at all but as others have said, not having any toys is not normal.

WhatWouldMrMannersSay · 09/09/2023 08:05

Also the 'one toy out at a time' thing is just awful. No way I'd impose this on my kids. I knew someone from my NCT class who insisted on this kind of thing and we disengaged pretty quickly, she was so uptight I couldn't be around her. I felt like she was really scornful of my more relaxed approach.

HouseHassle · 09/09/2023 08:19

If you genuinely have stuff that you could pass on that has been outgrown, you could say you have had a sort out, is there anything she can make use of before you take it to the charity shop.

SpongeBob2022 · 09/09/2023 08:37

I think you're getting a really hard time. You've clearly explained things in your comments...I wish people would read before posting.

I do think it's unusual. I really don't know what to suggest though.

I think maybe if you've kept up the friendship at Christmas I'd get them something (I think this is quite a normal thing to do).

The only other thing I thought was, if she asks you round again, say you feel bad she's hosted twice and you'd like to bring the girls a little something and ask what they're into. Or maybe take age appropriate colouring books and some pens or something. And see how excited (or not) they are when you hand them over. I'm worried as to whether this is good advice though...but I'm sure others will correct me if they disagree!

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 08:42

Leave it out.
This is a thread about nothing.
Glad you aren't my friend. You aren't nice.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 08:45

Also maybe small but did you go through everything in small place
Draws
Cupboards
Bags
Under furniture?

letmesailletmesail · 09/09/2023 08:59

What did the children do whilst you were there? When I had a friend around when my children were that age, I would have been encouraging them to play or draw or something so that they were occupied.
My house isn't that tidy. Some of my friend's houses are. When their children were that age, there would always be a play kitchen or similar big toy in site and something like a Kallax unit (or swisher version) which you could tell had toys in it (often as there was something sticking out or an electronic toy would randomly start playing a tune). For there to be no sign is odd - not necessarily a problem but unusual.
Did the mum give the impression that they spend all day out doing things? Perhaps if they're only at home for short spells, that might explain it if they're then on screens at home. But, with children that age, that's quite a lot of the day to fill. And my experience is that if children are used to either being out or on screens, they won't just sit quietly & entertain themselves when another adult is around as they're used to constant stimulation.

SpanieAttack · 09/09/2023 09:05

A health visitor once told me, when I was apologising for having kids things everywhere (I had multiple DC) that she would be far more concerned if she went to a spotless house with no signs of the children’s toys, books, art works etc.

Make of that what you will.

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:09

Don't make a story out of nothing
Pencils paper play doh
Lego etc etc could be in kitchen draw unless you went through every draw too?

familyissues12345 · 09/09/2023 09:13

SpanieAttack · 09/09/2023 09:05

A health visitor once told me, when I was apologising for having kids things everywhere (I had multiple DC) that she would be far more concerned if she went to a spotless house with no signs of the children’s toys, books, art works etc.

Make of that what you will.

Absolutely this.

Not a HV, but someone who visits families at home. I'd be concerned if a house showed no evidence of toys/books etc for the children. It would be something I'd keep an eye on.

meatbaseddessert · 09/09/2023 09:17

It's a very recent thing to have children's toys everywhere. I was only ever allowed to have toys downstairs if I was playing with them. They had to go back to my room into the toy box when I'd finished. Don't remember any of my friends houses having toys downstairs either.

There was a huge bookshelf though full of books I could have helped myself to.

A room of Chinese made garish plastic does not mean a child is well looked after or indeed vice versa

dontgetit75 · 09/09/2023 09:18

Turn this around too:-

It could be said some people can't be bothered to play with their children so just bombard them with loads of toys instead of interacting with them.
Maybe these people are on mobile phone while children play with mountains of toys!?

but could play:-

I spy
Hide and seek
Maybe she takes them to the park
Drawing
Cooking
Old boxes great fun to make a den
Blanket over a couple of chairs
Cards
Board games-you can get ten games in one box.
Sewing
Knitting
All sorts of games can be played without hundred of toys everywhere.
Use your imagination.

As I said before I find this post really judgmental. Typical make a story out of nothing scenario.