No toys downstairs- worried

[Ceci03]

So I visited a new friend who has 2 girls 6 and 4 but there were no toys downstairs. Like none. I'm a bit worried . I did go upstairs and saw a few baby books and they had 2 cuddly toys each on their bunks. I dunno. My kids are older now but I just remember toys everywhere and def in the sitting room maybe try and keep them to a corner. There was just sofa and tv. They watched tv while we chatted . I'd like to get them some toys but am unsure I don't want to offend my friend. I know she struggles financially.

I tidy up the toys before we have visitors, doesn't mean we don't have them/I don't allow them?

I would find it odd too.
Yes, tidy up for your visitors.
I would put out some quiet toys or books to occupy the children rather than plonk in front of the TV for 2 hours.

Toys are important. Kids need to play. It’s part of how they learn things and process situations. And they can play with anything, so a kid who spends hours outdoors building dens with branches and dams with mud is doing fine. So is the kid in the sandpit with an old cereal bowl and a spoon or the one who’s raided the tupperware cupboard for a drum kit while Dad cooks dinner. But toys are great because they are permission to play. So many things in a child’s world are off limits because they are dangerous or fragile or precious to the adults around them. Toys are things that have been given to the children with permission to play with them.
I understand the argument that too many toys is counterproductive and the environmental issue with plastic tat. But anyone who’s ever been in a nursery or a reception classroom has seen toys picked out and laid out in ways that encourage learning and development.
I find all this ´children don’t need toys’ stuff worrying.

I'm not sure why people keep saying it's none of the OP' business?.. it's literally one of the red flags social workers would respond to and would arrange further assessment if it did indeed turn out to be the case.

If there aren't any toys or age appropriate items in the house then op is correct to be concerned.

My living room has a pretend shop, a kids table with chairs and puzzles, a scooter, a digger, a bike and a tractor. Plus two toy boxes. There are toys everywhere but if I have visitors coming I always tidy up. I hate anything being out of place when people come over.

Context is everything. This is my job. A referral coming in with no other safeguarding or neglect or dv or MH or behavioural concerns except that someone visited for coffee one day and didnt see any toys would not be progressed to anything.

However, in the context of a child who is being neglected, is drawn, hungry, not often at school, dirty, ill fitting clothing, frightened of the parent, and the HV or school or SW visits to find no toys, its part of the picture.

@WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive I'm not sure why people keep saying it's none of the OP' business?.. it's literally one of the red flags social workers would respond to and would arrange further assessment if it did indeed turn out to be the case.

A social worker would absolutely not arrange an assessment because someone said “I went to this person’s house once and I only seen a few toys while I was there”. Utterly farcical to suggest otherwise.

I would probably have commented "Wow, how tidy your house is, I wish I could keep mine like this! Where do you keep all the toys?"

I had a large footstool that opened and lots of cupboards to hide everything in, but there was usually evidence of something like an unfinished lego model or a jigsaw on the table, and as soon as DC got home they would find something to play with, but then screens were not allowed before tea in our house.

How much older are your own kids?

I think if you could present it as 'I have some toys that my kids have grown out of, there's nothing wrong with them but I could do with having the space - do you think your kids would like them or know anyone else who may' - even if when she said yes I brought them (either from a charity shop or took them out of the box)
Otherwise unless there was a birthday coming up I wouldn't until christmas

When DS was little he liked to show people his toys so even if tidied away he might have got something out to show you.

For years we either lived with lego constructions in the lounge or a toy car race. They would be moved to one side if we had guests but never completely away. We also had bookcases in every room. It was his house too.

I had a friend who allowed lego but really struggled with the mess and wouldn’t allow it to be kept out for more than a day. DS would spend hours every day constructing and playing with it, expanding his town or whatever he was building.

I have just waved him off to university. The lounge carpet may now be clear of lego and toy cars but I miss those days.

Where there any scribbled pictures stuck on the fridge etc?

I agree with saying your kids have grown out of some of their toys and would she be interested in them as you need the space.

That's great if children are spending their time making up imaginary games with cereal boxes and the like. Sadly in my experience when there are no toys, it usually means lots of time on screens instead. In my work, if I visited a home with no visible toys and children just watching TV for several hours, I would have some concerns. Parents sometimes tell me their young child watches 6-8 hours of TV/Ipad.

Of course this was only a snapshot and you don't know the full picture but if they genuinely don't have any toys that's not great. It might be finances, it might be a way to make life easier (less mess and less noise), it might be not seeing the importance of play for small children.

You will probably find she stuffed them all in a cupboard before you came and if you opened it they would come tumbling out like a tsunami

@Blueblell but OP said there was no visible storage units and the space under the stairs was open not a closed off cupboard

Toys are banned from my living room, that's my space, the DC rarely go in it, toys certainly don't, so people visiting me may not see a toy for the duration of the visit. We have a family room and playroom which is where the chaos lives. Guests rarely see it, as it's usually messy.

Who is so poor they literally can't afford any toys? Toys are available free, cheap, as presents from family etc. I think you'd know if a friend was in such dire straits as that.

Some years ago when I was preparing for a new health visitor to come round after the birth of DC3 I tidied away every single toy until there was nothing but the big dolls house, I'd have probably hid that if I could. I got it into my head that the house needed to be completely tidy, no 'mess' anywhere. I wanted to be seen as super tidy as I equated that to having my shit together.

The health visitor was perplexed as to why there were no toys about. I admitted to tidying them all away before she came so she didn't think the place was a shit hole (the norm for us would be toys strewn everywhere)

I think it's far more likely that your friend blitzed the house tidy ahead of you arriving, than it is the kids have no toys.

When we were kids we had a bedding box in the living room for our toys when adults came visiting. When there were no visitors, we had toys and books all over the place. We were even allowed to make Lego train tracks and build farms and buildings all round the furniture in the (one and only) living room. We were allowed to keep a set up up for a week, then it really did have to be tidied away, as by then poor Mum was a bit tired of stepping over it to serve meals. At other times we were allowed to upend furniture and borrow sheets to make dens. What happens when you visit may not be much of a guide to what happens the rest of the time.

I would have thought it very odd that two young children were just watching TV with no toys in sight anywhere. Don't think for a minute it would likely be because they couldn't afford them as there would be something.

The vendors of our house had it like this when we came round - I’m guessing they just put everything away to make the sale though!

Probably she'd tidied up because you were coming though

This is why I’m very particular about who I let into my home. Can’t believe you’re a new friend, rummaging through the woman’s stuff and sharing your ‘concerns’ all over the internet. Have you told the local Alpha mums up at the school gates yet?

I had someone come to our house and a third party who’s never been told me about something the other person and seen in my house. Apparently it was very funny. I wasn’t happy that someone we welcomed into our home gossiped and they were laughing about what they’d seen (it was only some meal replacement shakes).

Hi OP, I'm in the minority here, but I think you are right to be aware. However, as she is a new friend, I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but keep an open mind. All children need toys/books, regardless of 'the great outdoors', and yes, some people actually can't afford them, even from charity shops. The fact that the kids didn't play with anything while you were there is something I would notice, too. I understand where you are coming from.

We never kept toys downstairs, I find it kind of weird tbh. Had plenty of them though

As a child (in my 50's now) I was allowed to play with toys wherever, but no toys were strewn about the house; I had to be tidy which I still am. Toys belonged on shelves/toy box when not in use.