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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

189 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:30

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 21:32

Yanbu, what a cunt. Could you take him to court? There’s such a disparity on your earnings that he should pay you maintenance even though he has 50/50.

Crunchingleaf · 07/09/2023 21:35

I am sure they do it on purpose OP. He knows you won’t let children down and he gets to play the part of dad.

cansu · 07/09/2023 21:36

Deal with this in advance. Send him info about how much a month's worth of dinners costs. Tell him to either top up with his half now or to send you his half by bank transfer. If he refuses, send him your half of the money and tell him to get the account topped up. The alternative which I would also consider if he still isn't playing ball is send a packed lunch on your days and then leave it with him. Make it clear to school that they need to bill him any dinner debts.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 07/09/2023 21:36

He should pay maintenance if not paying 50% and he sounds an arse.that being said, why can't your kids take a sandwich and crisp? Seems an expensive say to do it. Surely they could say to dad when staying at his house 'I have no lunch'. I'd expect teenagers to take responsibility for themselves and make something or tell the parent they're with.
I would contact maintenance and see with the disparity if he should pay anything. Can they build a debt and school contact exh or is debt not allowed on the account?

ChestyLaRue21 · 07/09/2023 21:43

You shouldn’t have to be constantly hounding him for half of things. How did the maintenance end and 50/50 agreement happen? Were these agreements informal?

Sparkleshine21 · 07/09/2023 21:45

Surely you can get a statement from the school showing that you paid £700 and he paid zero and use this to claim back child maintenance?

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 21:49

Tell the DC that Dad is paying for ALL their school lunches and trips this year as you did last year and the need to contact him every time - that they need to keep an eye on their balances and get him to top up well before they are low, preferably on a Friday for the following week.

You can't afford this so you need a strong boundary.

Fantina · 07/09/2023 21:52

I had this and he would use anything I had previously topped up their accounts with on ‘his’ weeks. I stopped doing school
dinners and only send packed lunches. In primary they fed DC anyway and I just told the school to chase him
directly but that it was nothing to do with me. At secondary the DC went hungry. If they texted me I just told them to ask their dad. My DC both ended up living predominantly with me again for many other reasons and I put a CSA claim back in.

These men know what they are doing but I was not being his PA anymore or paying for his responsibilities when I literally have pounds to last me until pay day most months.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:53

According to CMS if kids are with both parents 50/50 then no child maintenance is payable. The £500 was agreed when we first split (it was £550 I think, then reduced to £500 when he had them for more time) and is written into our financial consent order.

One of DC has ASD and has little negotiating skills and will also always default to me for everything (he hates asking his dad anything) so tricky to get him to manage his own balance and ask whichever parent he is with to top up the balance.

I think they do let the child get into debt and I don't know who they chase for it - maybe me because I filled in all the forms (obviously!)

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 07/09/2023 21:53

How does the 50/50 work? If they change each week I'd put enough on the card for your weeks dinners and then remind the kids to get dad to top up or provide lunch for.his time... if you keep doing it he will let.you!

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 21:56

When your ASD DC account needs topping up you message your Ex

DC account needs topping up. If DC texts you just forward the message.

Send one letter in writing stating that you spent £700 last year on the school account and he needs to do that this year before you start contributing 50:50.

Fantina · 07/09/2023 21:57

Also, we have to stop propping these men up in the eyes of the DC. If we swoop in to fix things, often at great emotional and financial costs to ourselves, then they can enjoy their Disney parent while we do all the heavy lifting. Let the men step up to show their DC who they really are.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:59

Oh, I've just looked on the CMS calculator and that says that even with 50/50 I would still get £360 a month?! I thought (from him) that once 50/50 I wasn't entitled to it any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:00

LittleOwl153 · 07/09/2023 21:53

How does the 50/50 work? If they change each week I'd put enough on the card for your weeks dinners and then remind the kids to get dad to top up or provide lunch for.his time... if you keep doing it he will let.you!

We have set days per week - with him Mon/Tues, me Wed/Thurs then we alternate the weekends.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2023 22:02

Can you switch to packed lunches from your house? If not, can you tell your kids that they only buy school dinners on your custody days and they need to use their dad’s kitchen to pack themselves a lunch on his days?

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:02

Is there something else he could pay for that equals lunch money so as that is weekly you top up and he takes full responsibility for trips/ uniforms etc which is a once off payment. He is right stingy anyway ...you living on 20000 while he lives like a king. Surely your earnings dropped with minding babies etc and he managed to sail up to 100, 000.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:03

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 21:49

Tell the DC that Dad is paying for ALL their school lunches and trips this year as you did last year and the need to contact him every time - that they need to keep an eye on their balances and get him to top up well before they are low, preferably on a Friday for the following week.

You can't afford this so you need a strong boundary.

Yes this is a good idea. Helps the kids take responsibility too for keeping an eye on their own balances.

OP posts:
Testina · 07/09/2023 22:03

Sparkleshine21 · 07/09/2023 21:45

Surely you can get a statement from the school showing that you paid £700 and he paid zero and use this to claim back child maintenance?

Tell me you’ve never tried to seek legal redress for pisstaking arsehole ex without telling me that you’ve never… etc.

All too familiar a tale 😢
You could try going for a specific issues order I think. Ideally making him responsible for an outgoing in its entirety, balanced against you having something else. But school dinners isn’t the one to pick, because you’re never going to hardball long enough on that 😢

boomtickhouse · 07/09/2023 22:04

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:59

Oh, I've just looked on the CMS calculator and that says that even with 50/50 I would still get £360 a month?! I thought (from him) that once 50/50 I wasn't entitled to it any more.

With such an earning difference I think there is something to be paid. The courts would want the children to have a similar life style in both houses.

ButterCrackers · 07/09/2023 22:04

You spent 700 last year so it’s his turn now to pay the 700. Tell him this and see what happens. If the kids don’t get lunch tell the school to contact your ex.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:05

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:02

Is there something else he could pay for that equals lunch money so as that is weekly you top up and he takes full responsibility for trips/ uniforms etc which is a once off payment. He is right stingy anyway ...you living on 20000 while he lives like a king. Surely your earnings dropped with minding babies etc and he managed to sail up to 100, 000.

I could try that, but as we previously agreed 50/50 for things I don't know if he will agree. He keeps a tally of nights when the kids are with me/him - insistent that it must be "fair" and exactly 50/50.

OP posts:
DongsOfPraise · 07/09/2023 22:06

I'd put my house on him doing it on purpose for his own little power trip, sad little wanker. He’s not the first and sadly won’t be the last to behave this way, unfortunately.

No advice but my sympathy- it’s so frustrating and at times worrying when the NRP nearly always men do this shit. The children are nothing but collateral damage to them when they don’t put their hand in their pocket.

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 22:06

Yes when there is a huge disparity income between parents CMS scam be payable from the higher earner even when 50:50.

I would claim and then that will cover hopefully most of the school costs, although he should still be paying 50:50 for those as the CMS is to cover their overhead costs - you housing, clothing, feeding them in your home.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:10

junebirthdaygirl · 07/09/2023 22:02

Is there something else he could pay for that equals lunch money so as that is weekly you top up and he takes full responsibility for trips/ uniforms etc which is a once off payment. He is right stingy anyway ...you living on 20000 while he lives like a king. Surely your earnings dropped with minding babies etc and he managed to sail up to 100, 000.

In retrospect I was a total fool when it came to the divorce. I should have gone for a lot more than I actually ended up with, which was basically what I brought into the relationship (I owned a house by myself previously) and he ended up buying me out of our marital home. I was so desperate to just get it over with I just wanted to walk away from it all. Stupid really.

And yes, I worked part time, paid most of the nursery fees, bought him a car, my family paid off over 50K of his debt (whilst I paid for my own stuff with some inheritance), brought up the kids and supported his career to get him to this point. Now he owns a million pound house, when he previously moved into my old place with all his belongings in bin bags and just a mountain of debt.

More fool me, eh?

OP posts:
Postapocalypticcowgirl · 07/09/2023 22:11

As others have said, you're never going to play hardball with school dinner money, or even school lunches in general, because realistically you won't let your children go hungry. Do they want to be with him 50:50? It sounds like your son might not?

If you can (and I accept it's difficult to do this), can you suck up the dinner money, and pick something else that's less immediate to play hard ball with?

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