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Original poster

That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

189 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:30

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 07/09/2023 23:26

It’s because of the income disparity. CMS is for children to live comparable lifestyles in both homes. So yes even with 50/50 he will have to pay something. Put a claim into CMS and take the power back from him. He can fight it if he wants but they’ll just take it from his wages eventually.

Tickboxexercise · 08/09/2023 00:02

Had to respond to this as about 10 mins ago I checked my son’s school lunch account to see if his dad had topped it up like I asked, on the basis that I paid for all lunches last year. Had he hell. Don’t really have any advice apart from do not get into the trap of just paying for things and not asking for him to pay his share because it’s easier. I have taken that approach at times and whilst money isn’t tight for my family and it seems like the easy option, I end up feeling like a mug basically throwing my hard earned cash away for his benefit.

Timeforchangeplease · 08/09/2023 07:41

Don't worry about rocking the boat. Its a legal requirement for him to pay his way and he isn't so get angry about that and do something about it.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 07:44

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:59

Oh, I've just looked on the CMS calculator and that says that even with 50/50 I would still get £360 a month?! I thought (from him) that once 50/50 I wasn't entitled to it any more.

You've overlooked the page before you get to the calculator where it explicitly says it's not for 50/50

CrazyHamsterLady · 08/09/2023 07:44

I’m pretty sure he should be paying you maintenance. The kids should have a similar standard of living at each house and you seem to be struggling to provide that (no offence meant) £500 would be nothing to someone on a £100k salary. Definitely go to the CMS.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 07:45

CrazyHamsterLady · 08/09/2023 07:44

I’m pretty sure he should be paying you maintenance. The kids should have a similar standard of living at each house and you seem to be struggling to provide that (no offence meant) £500 would be nothing to someone on a £100k salary. Definitely go to the CMS.

I mean yeah go to the cms but it's going to be more complex than using their online calculator

Lachimolala · 08/09/2023 07:54

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 07:44

You've overlooked the page before you get to the calculator where it explicitly says it's not for 50/50

Show quote history

Because it’s not that simple. Maintenance can be paid in cases of 50/50 if there is a huge income disparity, a disparity in ‘resident parent’ actions e.g. one person is doing the lions share of the work and taking on the financial obligations but the other won’t, where the kids dentist, GP, school etc is registered.

Its not as simple case to open and there would be an investigation, but I’m confident OP would receive some maintenance from him. I know I do and of many other who still receive maintenance when there is 50/50 care on paper.

NotAMug · 08/09/2023 07:56

Now you know he still owes you then just go straight to CMS. You have asked him to help and he refuses, also if you go via them you will be entitled to increases etc if and when appropriate.

Someone I know had a private agreement roughly based on the amount when the DC was a toddler and asked for £25 a month when they were about 15/16, he refused so she checked the CMS calculator and he actually owed £150 more so she asked again fpr the £25, he told her to fuck off so she went straight to CMS.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 07:57

It does ask on the calculator though about nights spent with the other parent and I answered that as 50/50. So not sure why it would come out with that calculation if it’s not meant for 50/50 agreements and why it doesn’t then just stop the calculator and say it’s not paid in those circumstances?

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 08/09/2023 08:00

DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 07:57

It does ask on the calculator though about nights spent with the other parent and I answered that as 50/50. So not sure why it would come out with that calculation if it’s not meant for 50/50 agreements and why it doesn’t then just stop the calculator and say it’s not paid in those circumstances?

Even back when my ex wasn’t a high earner and only earned 25k a year, he still had to pay something like £70 for both the kids even though it was 50/50.

wobytide · 08/09/2023 08:06

DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 07:57

It does ask on the calculator though about nights spent with the other parent and I answered that as 50/50. So not sure why it would come out with that calculation if it’s not meant for 50/50 agreements and why it doesn’t then just stop the calculator and say it’s not paid in those circumstances?

It's because technically kids could sleep 7 nights a week at one parents house yet the other parents provides the rest of the care during the daytime I.E school runs and clubs and then they work nights.

The wording of CMS is done such that if it's genuinely a split of nights and actual care then it isn't payable. The difference here is whilst you have equal nights, the "care" I.E. for uniforms and other elements isn't shared.

As you currently receive nothing from him, you have nothing to lose submitting a claim and explaining that you for the bill for x,y and z

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 09:09

The costs should be shared - it was him who suggested that once the maintenance money stopped. But I’m not spending the next however many years feeling like I’m begging him for money or needing to remind him to pay for his own kids. But if I don’t chase then it doesn’t get done and the only people who lose out are the kids. We still owe £400 for a school trip for one of the DC. He will also be able to see this on the app. But he won’t volunteer to pay it or even seemingly think to do it. Whereas I worry that it’s not been paid and want it sorted as technically we are behind on when we should be making each payment.

Even if I’m not eligible for CMS (I’ll try and contact them and check) I’ve still got the issue of him just not taking responsibility and me always being the one on top of this stuff.

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 08/09/2023 09:14

*No, he would pay half but wouldn’t pay for the whole thing. Just before we went on holiday in the summer (the cost of which we split 50/50) he got a large overtime payment which was more than the cost of the holiday. He declared at the airport “all treats are on me this holiday”. Turns out that wasn’t true when I got sent a text with the amount that he had spent (on groceries and 2 lunches out) and how much I owed him.

He claims to be saving up for “our” retirement. But that’s totally meaningless when he (or I) could walk away at any time. And clearly his words don’t mean much after the “treats are on me” incident.*

Surely being single would have to be better than this? Has he moved into your house?

timetorefresh · 08/09/2023 09:15

Packed lunches? That's a lot to be spending on school lunches! Tell him you'll send a packed lunch when they're with you, then he can work out what he wants to do in his time

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 09:27

BodenCardiganNot · 08/09/2023 09:14

*No, he would pay half but wouldn’t pay for the whole thing. Just before we went on holiday in the summer (the cost of which we split 50/50) he got a large overtime payment which was more than the cost of the holiday. He declared at the airport “all treats are on me this holiday”. Turns out that wasn’t true when I got sent a text with the amount that he had spent (on groceries and 2 lunches out) and how much I owed him.

He claims to be saving up for “our” retirement. But that’s totally meaningless when he (or I) could walk away at any time. And clearly his words don’t mean much after the “treats are on me” incident.*

Surely being single would have to be better than this? Has he moved into your house?

Yes he has moved in here. And yea financially I was better off before we met.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 08/09/2023 09:41

You send him a message saying that when he gas the kids he us responsible for meals including school. Therefore you will be expecting him to either provide a packed lunch or put money on the card. When he doesn’t you direct the kids to contact their father to sort

may take some time but it’s the only way

Elphamouche · 08/09/2023 09:43

ExH needs to sort his shit out, go to CMS asap.

Current partner can also take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Who wouldn’t pay for a day out?! He’s a twat too.

Tinkerbyebye · 08/09/2023 09:44

DietCokeAddict19 · 08/09/2023 09:27

Yes he has moved in here. And yea financially I was better off before we met.

Show quote history

Why haven’t you learnt your lesson?

Just get some self respect and dump him you can do much better

Uterusbegone · 08/09/2023 09:48

He'll go fucking beserk though if I tell him he still owes me child maintenance.

Well then let him go beserk, and when he does you should remind him that you wouldn't have ever known if he didn't piss around not paying his share of the lunch/uniform money so more fool him.

And put in a claim with CMS

Heronwatcher · 08/09/2023 09:50

On the ex, agree could you split costs differently so that he pays for the big ticket items like uniform, bus pass, trips etc and then you pay for dinner money- if that would work out about the same? If he won’t agree then I also say contact CMS/ a solicitor and get the arrangement formalised.

Current partner sounds awful, how about getting rid of him before history starts repeats itself. And please don’t even consider kids.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 08/09/2023 10:01

Oh@DietCokeAddict19! Your updates about your new partner have me in despair! Please, please!!! Value yourself more. Stop supporting and funding these "high earning" men to your own disadvantage. Get him the fuck out your house. Get a claim into cms for ex. Any money you save please put towards some therapy so you can learn how to love yourself. You deserve so, so much more. If you can't do it for yourself please think of the example you are showing to your children. That mum can be walked all over while she supports everyone else. Because you are supporting current parent to "save thousands " every month if you state you was better off before he moved in. You are also supporting ex by paying for the school stuff.

Am sorry your in this situation. You don't deserve this extra stress or hassle. Unfortunately you can't walk away from ex completely and he will play these games but putting a claim into cms will hopefully teach him to stop and think. If he had just paid the bloody bill you wouldn't even be putting a cms claim in. X

Mumof4plusbonus · 08/09/2023 10:08

Try to claim cms. I’m usually in disagreement with cms when it’s 50:50 but in this case I would be all for it. You shouldn’t need to beg for money, it’s not for you it’s for his children and it shouldn’t even need said, let alone begged. Do your children want 50:50? This whole fair thing- fair on who? Because it’s not about you or ex but the kids. I wouldn’t be leaving them without lunch though. I get where people are coming from but I just couldn’t and I suspect your ex could and would.
Secondly get rid of the 2nd using ah you have tied yourself to. And then claim your top up benefits. Then look into why you choose these people (not judging, I need to do the same myself, this things are easier to see on the outside). You need to start doing what best for you and the children.

Giraffe888 · 08/09/2023 10:23

In regards to cms, you don’t need to know what he earns and he doesn’t need to tell them either. They get the information directly from HMRC

caringcarer · 08/09/2023 10:52

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:59

Oh, I've just looked on the CMS calculator and that says that even with 50/50 I would still get £360 a month?! I thought (from him) that once 50/50 I wasn't entitled to it any more.

Then go through CMS and let them chase him. Put cash on DC cards for your week and tell exh he has to put cash on DC cards for the week he has them or send them in with sandwiches. You could ask that DC have 2 accounts one for your weeks and one for his weeks. I'm not sure if they do this but they should as I suspect you are not alone in having this issue.

BodenCardiganNot · 08/09/2023 11:23

Yes he has moved in here. And yea financially I was better off before we met.

So you are putting another man ahead of your children financially? Please get rid of him.