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Original poster

That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

189 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 21:30

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:12

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 22:06

Yes when there is a huge disparity income between parents CMS scam be payable from the higher earner even when 50:50.

I would claim and then that will cover hopefully most of the school costs, although he should still be paying 50:50 for those as the CMS is to cover their overhead costs - you housing, clothing, feeding them in your home.

Thanks. I thought when I checked it before I wasn't eligible for anything but maybe I did it wrong (or maybe I did it wrong today, I don't know?).

He'll go fucking beserk though if I tell him he still owes me child maintenance.

OP posts:
Guiltridden12345 · 07/09/2023 22:12

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:10

In retrospect I was a total fool when it came to the divorce. I should have gone for a lot more than I actually ended up with, which was basically what I brought into the relationship (I owned a house by myself previously) and he ended up buying me out of our marital home. I was so desperate to just get it over with I just wanted to walk away from it all. Stupid really.

And yes, I worked part time, paid most of the nursery fees, bought him a car, my family paid off over 50K of his debt (whilst I paid for my own stuff with some inheritance), brought up the kids and supported his career to get him to this point. Now he owns a million pound house, when he previously moved into my old place with all his belongings in bin bags and just a mountain of debt.

More fool me, eh?

Show quote history

He sounds like a shit op. Definitely do take action, because you don’t deserve this piss take. You sound like a lovely trusting person and a lovely mum.

Sparkleshine21 · 07/09/2023 22:17

@Testina no, sadly I haven’t had chance to chase my daughters father for the seven years child maintenance he owes me as he fucked off to Spain when he found out I was pregnant.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:17

Guiltridden12345 · 07/09/2023 22:12

He sounds like a shit op. Definitely do take action, because you don’t deserve this piss take. You sound like a lovely trusting person and a lovely mum.

Show quote history

Thank you :) That's such a lovely thing to say.

I think sadly I must have mug written all over me. I'm currently with a partner who earns even more than my exH does, puts thousands of pounds a month into savings, and yet I can't afford to take my kids to Laser Quest in the summer holidays. Gah!

Anyway it's not all bad, I've started a new job (on top of my old one) so I'll at least be earning more money myself and not relying on any man to pay for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:18

Sparkleshine21 · 07/09/2023 22:17

@Testina no, sadly I haven’t had chance to chase my daughters father for the seven years child maintenance he owes me as he fucked off to Spain when he found out I was pregnant.

Sounds like even more of a shit than my ex. So sorry :(

OP posts:
Sparkleshine21 · 07/09/2023 22:20

@DietCokeAddict19 thankyou ♥️

titchy · 07/09/2023 22:21

I think sadly I must have mug written all over me. I'm currently with a partner who earns even more than my exH does, puts thousands of pounds a month into savings, and yet I can't afford to take my kids to Laser Quest in the summer holidays. Gah!

Seriously? Dump this cunt. Do you not think you and your dc deserve more than the shitty blokes you pick?

TheUniversalsHere · 07/09/2023 22:22

Because he's a high earner on 100k he will still need to pay some maintenance for his children even if they are with him for half overnights. If you share 2 children and he doesnt live with any others, he should be paying 506 (for example). Show him the calculation and tell him he owes you back pay for x amount of months. Go to cms if any issues

RudsyFarmer · 07/09/2023 22:22

What a fucking twat.

This will continue he right up till the children’s Uni years. I have no idea what you can do but I suspect this will not stop and he will ‘make you pay’ in all ways possible.

nappiesandcontracts · 07/09/2023 22:23

I'm currently with a partner who earns even more than my exH does, puts thousands of pounds a month into savings, and yet I can't afford to take my kids to Laser Quest in the summer holidays. Gah!

I don't understand- wouldn't your partner like to treat you and your kids to a day out?? Sorry none of my business (and off topic) but is your new partner quite tight generally?

nappiesandcontracts · 07/09/2023 22:24

nappiesandcontracts · 07/09/2023 22:23

I'm currently with a partner who earns even more than my exH does, puts thousands of pounds a month into savings, and yet I can't afford to take my kids to Laser Quest in the summer holidays. Gah!

I don't understand- wouldn't your partner like to treat you and your kids to a day out?? Sorry none of my business (and off topic) but is your new partner quite tight generally?

The first paragraph was meant to be quoting OP 🙈

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:31

I don't understand- wouldn't your partner like to treat you and your kids to a day out?? Sorry none of my business (and off topic) but is your new partner quite tight generally?

No, he would pay half but wouldn’t pay for the whole thing. Just before we went on holiday in the summer (the cost of which we split 50/50) he got a large overtime payment which was more than the cost of the holiday. He declared at the airport “all treats are on me this holiday”. Turns out that wasn’t true when I got sent a text with the amount that he had spent (on groceries and 2 lunches out) and how much I owed him.

He claims to be saving up for “our” retirement. But that’s totally meaningless when he (or I) could walk away at any time. And clearly his words don’t mean much after the “treats are on me” incident.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/09/2023 22:31

Just go to CMS and explain he is being financially abusive by not paying 50:50 of costa and you want to use collect & pay.

Timeforchangeplease · 07/09/2023 22:49

His high earnings mean that he should still be paying child maintenance despite the fact he has them 50% of the time. Check the cms calculator and open a claim.

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 22:51

Open a claim with CMS tomorrow as they won't backdate it.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:51

Timeforchangeplease · 07/09/2023 22:49

His high earnings mean that he should still be paying child maintenance despite the fact he has them 50% of the time. Check the cms calculator and open a claim.

I had no idea! Although I don’t think he will tell me his exact wage so not sure how I proceed? Presumably he will have to disclose to them his exact wage?

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 07/09/2023 22:55

You need to dump your new partner, he is a massive dick as well.

SD1978 · 07/09/2023 22:56

He's being an arse as so often happens. Wants a 'fair' split of nights- as assumes as long as it's strictly 50/50 he doesn't have to give you anything, whilst having none of the responsibility. I would be telling the kids that they need to ask Dad to top it up, and be doing so every second week- they need to ask him since he's not listening to you, and if he doesn't then they need to have packed lunches- which they'll have to ask their dad to provide at his too.

Timeforchangeplease · 07/09/2023 22:56

Tell them what you know and they will investigate he doesn't need to disclose but you must open a claim ASAP as it won't be backdated

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 23:00

CMS can access his HMRC records

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 07/09/2023 23:07

RandomMess · 07/09/2023 23:00

CMS can access his HMRC records

This. Just put in a claim today, as it won’t be backdated and it takes them many months to make an assessment and even longer to get him to pay.

You just give CMS what you know - presumably you know his full name, DOB, NI number, employers name and address, approx salary , any other children he has living with him ( new partners kids ) etc .

Takeabreather23 · 07/09/2023 23:09

Just don’t tell him .
He’s had enough chances nothing will chnage and one day your kids will
be grown up. make you application straight to cms and don’t mention it to him. .

Onceuponaheartache · 07/09/2023 23:18

Timeforchangeplease · 07/09/2023 22:49

His high earnings mean that he should still be paying child maintenance despite the fact he has them 50% of the time. Check the cms calculator and open a claim.

Absolutely this.

My ex earns around 55k and when we first split i was on about 17l working full time. We have 50/50 but he has to give me maintenance due to the disparity. For 3 years he didn't have a single overnight because he is a tosser at times and couldn't be trusted to manage dd's illness. I never claimed additional (fool I know) but he does pay half of everything school and activities wise. I pay ot and just message him with what he owes me and he pays.

Contact cms and see what they suggest.

nappiesandcontracts · 07/09/2023 23:25

DietCokeAddict19 · 07/09/2023 22:31

I don't understand- wouldn't your partner like to treat you and your kids to a day out?? Sorry none of my business (and off topic) but is your new partner quite tight generally?

No, he would pay half but wouldn’t pay for the whole thing. Just before we went on holiday in the summer (the cost of which we split 50/50) he got a large overtime payment which was more than the cost of the holiday. He declared at the airport “all treats are on me this holiday”. Turns out that wasn’t true when I got sent a text with the amount that he had spent (on groceries and 2 lunches out) and how much I owed him.

He claims to be saving up for “our” retirement. But that’s totally meaningless when he (or I) could walk away at any time. And clearly his words don’t mean much after the “treats are on me” incident.

That's so mean! I can't understand how someone can claim to love their partner yet let them go without or struggle. Sorry to hear you're not being treated as you deserve ☹️

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 07/09/2023 23:25

If its ParentPay itll all be itemised.

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