That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

[DietCokeAddict19]

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

So he states that everything should be 50/50 and then doesn't cough up - typical wanker - do as i say not as i do brigade. He's taking the piss.
Get a claim put back in with CMS & try for it backdated - even if they refuse it was worth a try.
Been in your shoes so I know exactly what it's like. I wouldn't put it on the kids to have to ask him for lunch money - he knows the score and he knows you won't let them go without food so he's just keeping his foot on your head. I'm not sure school would get involved but you could put them in the picture and see if they have any suggestions - it won't be the first time they've dealt with an arsehole parent xx

You were not and are not a fool. you simply did the best you could at the time with the understanding that you had at the time. Now you have more experience this is the right time to set your boundaries very firmly, he is taking advantage of you. I wish you all the best.

I would be demanding that he pays a min of £500 a month if he wants to live there or tell him to sling his hook!

Gently, OP, you have got yourself into a relationship that isn’t beneficial for you.

I love the idea of only putting in money for your 2 days, surely your idiot ex will have to cough up. Please go back to cms, the disparity in income must count for something.

Absolutely agree with this and I was going to write something along similar lines.

He should pay and be reasonable about sharing costs, but personally I think it sounds like he’s using non payment on the school dinner app as a little power trip.
I would definitely put a claim in for CMS just do it, at least you’ll know and have an outside eye cast on the financial arrangements and give some formality to the issue. If you’re still getting lumbered with most of the costs how is this truly 50/50 I found a useful piece of info about calculating maintenance when there is 50/50 care and it’s not just how many nights you have them that makes the difference apparently.
https://watson-thomas.co.uk/help-and-advice/31-help-and-advice-children/182-child-maintenance-when-you-have-an-equal-share-in-parenting

Review your agreements re exH with a lawyer.

Why can't he be responsible for paying for lunch for one of the kids and then you do the other!

Also the current partner sounds like he’s getting a free ride whilst you’re scrabbling around for pennies.
I’d be very wary of letting him stay in a home I own, even his paltry contribution a month could be considered upkeep of the home and he could potentially end up costing you a few more pennies than he does now.
A friend of mine once had a girlfriend move into a house he owned, she never financially contributed to bills in the 10 months she was there but she did tidy up and help decorate and when their relationship ended she made a claim on the house and she actually got a pay out, not a lot (think it was 8k) so either new partner needs to increase his share of the bills to make it worth the risk or he needs to get hot stepping down the road somewhere else.
He’s taking the piss and I can almost guarantee he knows it, you don’t end up with a property portfolio by being dumb but he’s stepping on your back to do it!
Don’t let it happen!

Gross. As someone that was constantly reminded how much we (me and brother) cost him in child support this gives the same energy. Only having them for exactly 50% so he doesn’t have to pay YOU anything. My dad believed he paid for all ours and mums holidays and anything nice we had when my mum would scrimp and save and go without to give us these experiences.

Sorry if there are other posts on this already, I don’t have time to skim to check! But if you’re the one in receipt of the Child Benefit, you might still be able to make a claim through CMS. If he is the recipient then you can’t. Even if you earn over Child Benefit threshold you can still be the “person in receipt” without receiving any money…

If you’re 50/50 overnights with no maintenance, the point is you have “equal day-to-day care”. But it doesn’t sound like this is the case at all!! For this he would co-manage doctors, dentist, optician, recreational activities etc. If you do all this and receive the Child Benefit I think you should be able to get some. It’s out of order when he earns so much. What a prick.

Though saying that you may have to suck up buying not just lunches but everything else, as Child Benefit is meant to pay for everything the child needs - anything extra the payee contributes is a “bonus”. Might still leave you financially better off though…

I have 50/50 with my ex and we separate everything. We have a set of school uniforms at each house, shoes, PE kit, casual clothes etc so all she has to do is being her school bags between houses. Die any school trips I pay the school 50%, usually over scopay or something similar so my ex then has to pay the rest otherwise she doesn't go. The same for school dinners, I put 50% in and then he has to do the same. We did give her packed lunches for a while which was even easier as he 'had' to do them when she was with him.

Sometimes, as difficult as it seems you have to force the issue.

As for cms, put a claim in and see what happens. Let him kick off if he wants to, your £000's of pounds down which I can't see you getting back so again, force the issue.

As part of evidencing it's 50:50 nights but shared care you can demonstrate who has paid how much for school trips and lunches and how it hasn't been 50:50.

I don't know what would happen re CMS. Yes I paid for all school lunches last year, and all the DofE costs, and the majority of a school trip cost (over £1000), and I take the DC to the dentist (and now have to pay as they won't offer NHS provision any more), but he takes them to the optician, takes them to their clubs on his weekends etc. So I wonder if I would be eligible for anything.

I'm sitting here wondering why I am reluctant to even try. I genuinely feel scared/worried that rocking the boat will make things worse. That by even trying to make a claim with CMS that he will be furious and somehow make life worse for me. I don't know how he could do that, other than bad mouthing me to the kids I suppose, but it's fear that is causing this inaction. Same fear that makes me not stand up to my current partner probably, who has just fucked off on a 2 week work trip and left me to sort out doggy day care for his dog.

So when I earlier said that it's me that's the fool, I really think it is. I don't understand why I can't stand up for myself and say that how I'm being treated isn't ok. I'm already in therapy but it's clearly not helping!

Thank you, that's a really helpful article

And yes I am the one in receipt of Child Benefit

On a related subject - if I don't have a current claim for tax credits, can you open a new claim for this or do you have to do onto universal credit?

Just checked the tax credits calculator and seen that I would still be eligible for tax credits if I wasn't together with my partner.

I think you’re thinking about what’s best for your kids emotional well-being over your own financial position and good on you - having an ok relationship with your ex is worth it’s weight in gold. Going to CSM might damage it. You need to preserve what you have because even if he’s being a prick about money, compared to a lot of exes he’s doing a lot of the grunt work at least? Routine medical appointments and clubs etc are so exhausting when it’s all on one parent.

Can you approach him gently and say you’ve double checked and you put £X into their lunch money last year versus his £X amount. And you’d really appreciate it if he could pay more this year to balance it out? And that you’re not trying to be difficult as you really value your relationship, you just want to make sure things are balanced?

The alternative is to keep tabs and then refuse to pay for winter coats etc as he “owes” you lunch money. Gutted for Disney Dad to get to buy the big, viable things whilst you plod at the lunch money but maybe just see it as an investment in your kids mental health by maintaining good relations. Good luck x

*visable

Ask CM and go from there. If ex is a dick then hes a dick who is choosing to stiff his own kids. Ultimately, it's your child's entitlement.

Your current partner needs to be your next ex. Its better to be single than subjected to these dickheads. Honestly, @DietCokeAddict19 being alone might be scary but surely it's less scary than a future with these wasters.

Can you just stop chasing him , its stressing you out, kids will pick up on this, send him one final message saying sick of chasing him now applying via courts.
Then do it, show them the messages keep a tally get proof hes not paying his way.
If you do it legally not on broken promises the courts will chase him.
Good luck, we mums have enough stress without adding to it.

Of course Your ex is already bad mouthing you to the kids! Why would you think he’s not !! There’s nothing you can do to control what he says and does, you can only control what YOU do.

Of course you are scared - that’s how these abusive men managed to control us for years. We know that if we speak out of turn or do anything that don’t like, there will be hell to pay. And even once we’ve left them, they still control us by fear. We are like a huge elephants tied to a small stick.

So go ahead and apply for CMS today. If you don’t get anything you’ve wasted the tenner it costs to apply.

And you know what you need to do about your current partner . Why don’t you start a new thread in relationships ( just about him, not the money for the kids stuff ) and ask for support to leave him ?

Thank you @SurprisedWithAH0RSE Yes ExH gaslit me for years and had me convinced that he was right and I was wrong. It’s taken years to even manage to stand up to him a bit. He knows exactly how to press my buttons and just keeps going and going and going until my mind goes completely blank and I can’t think straight. It’s been a while since he has managed to do that, but the memory of it is still there and it is scary to think that his anger would be directed in that way towards me again if I were to rock the boat. Thanks for helping me see that.

And I will post on relationships about my current partner. I think it will be a fairly unanimous “LTB” and I feel stupid for the things I’ve put up with. I am not even worried about being single, I’m not bothered about that at all. I am worried about the impact on the kids - we have been together for 5 years, which is almost half of DC2’s life. Partner is close to DC2 so I think DC will find it really difficult (and he was the child who also found me and his dad splitting up the hardest too). So I’ve got mega guilt over that. And I know what MN thinks of women bringing new partners into their kids’ lives so will have to prepare myself for a hard time. Probably deservedly so, if I could have shielded them from more hurt.

Stop feeling stupid. It’s so unproductive. Instead, work out what you want and what you need to do so you can have it. You won’t change your ex or your current bloke, focus on yourself. You are worth being happy and feeling good about yourself. Don’t send flagellate in a new thread. Ask for help in ditching him and starting a new better phase of your life, if that’s what’ll make you happy.