That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

[DietCokeAddict19]

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

Have you actually sent the ex your figures to show that you have paid more? If you haven't, do it. And either way, contact CMS. So what if he goes ballistic? What difference will it make? He's used you and your family and more or less stolen from you, and lied to you and continues to lie to you. What are you afraid of? Where is the woman that started off with her own house and a supportive family? She must have had something about her. You need her to come out from wherever she's been hiding - because your kids need her.

And as pp have said, can't you see you are in a history repeating itself pattern with your current P? You are probably losing benefits because he is living with you. It doesn't sound like he's contributing enough financially to make up for what you are losing. So all he contributes is what - his penis and his company? Which doesn't sound all that, from what you have written, because how can you not have the serious ick for this tightwad, who has moved in on a single mum and is exploiting her home, her bed and her goodwill, while her kids are going without?

He must have paid half and you've realised.....there's 195 school days per year and you spent £700 so that works out at no more more £3.50 per day for 2 kids.....there's just no way school meals would be that cheap.
You could do packed lunches instead... might work out cheaper and you're only then covering the days the kids stay with you so he will have to do packed lunches or top up their account on his days

Why on earth do you keep letting men treat you like this?

OP, sending you strength to deal with this shitty ex!

I am in the process of divorcing and have the fear that this 50/50 custody split and no maintenance thing is going to bite me too, though our incomes aren't so disparate as yours (mine 45k, his 80k). I am also hoping he'll forget he cached his card on parentpay last year sometime so I can at least keep the children fed at school!

@DietCokeAddict19 you have shit taste in men. Ditch your "partner". He's a cocklodger. Go back to child maintenance for the kids. If he has to pay you £360 Pcm then you won't have to ask for his half of anything.

Not going to comment on the 'new' partner, other than to say you and your children deserve better.

WRT your ex, if the number of days he is responsible for paying school dinners is set, would he agree to pay you that figure in maintenance at least, and you take responsibility for topping up the accounts? i.e. he has to pay 10 x dinners each every 4 weeks, so transfers you that amount - say 10 x £2.50 x 2 kids - every four weeks, or 5 x £2.50 x 2 every two weeks, then you top up the accounts? Or he sends it to the kids bank accounts and they top up their school account?
I know you shouldn't need to take the responsibility of topping it up, but if he agrees that he owes this money, just doesn't get round to paying it, it could be a solution?

Leave men alone for a while until you realise your self worth. You have two men in your life who are making you poorer. I am guessing he doesn't contribute to household bills or shopping because he is saving for his retirement.

Tbh what I think I'd do, is see if I can print out the transactions over the past years top ups.
I'd show him them, because they'll usually show some details of the card those top ups came from so he can no longer say "oh I'm sure I topped up last year!"

Can't really give advice as he's just being awkward, this isn't him dropping the ball, he's literally trying to be a dick to you and using the kids as pawns to do it.

However I would never accept his version of events and accept him saying that if he has them 50% of the time no CMS- I'd put a claim in for that for a start.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just OPs answers. Jesus Christ, it’s so fucking depressing. Firstly your ex earns well, these are his kids, why wouldn’t he want to give them the best. Time to sort this out, it isn’t fair, he doesn’t have them 50/50 (even if he does physically) if he’s not paying for half of their keeping. Secondly, ditch the new guy, what a dickhead. You’re financially better off without him, yet he earns well too, clearly he doesn’t prioritise your relationship, get shot, he’s selfish. You’re an advocate and an example for your kids, don’t let them see you being taken for a ride - they might think that’s ok. let them see a strong woman, with boundaries and a fight in her that won’t let any man/person take advantage.

A flying fuck at a rolling donut is INSPIRED!

You'd think that he'd pay all costs re school meals/trips/uniforms as at least then he could be sure that it was all going on the kids!

What a bloody disgrace!

It's scopay, but they they send a confirmation email every time a payment is made so for once it's useful that I keep a lot of my emails as I've got evidence from that of what I've paid as well as my own paper records of every time I've made a payment and what it's for (D of E, trips, calculators etc).

ExH does cover some costs - DS started in Year 7 last year so needed a whole new set of uniform - I ordered it all and asked ExH to pay half, which he did. The kids each do an after school activity - I pay for one (thankfully via childcare vouchers) and he pays for the other. They have their own clothes and shoes at each house, and whichever parents the kids are with when they realise their shoes are too small buys the shoes. So for a lot of things it is shared. But for some reason the school stuff I seem to be more organised about, therefore when we owe for trips, school lunches etc I either pay or have to ask, because it doesn't register with him that you need to check. Or it does register, (I mean he's an intelligent man so you would think he's not that stupid) and he is just a twat about it and wants me to either foot the bill myself or need to graciously ask him.

Bin off the partner for a start, because you’ll end up falling into the same hole again. You’ve been taken for a mug financially at least 3 times already.

Follow up with CMS.

Give the children packed lunches on the days you have responsibility for. Contact the school and tell them that their father is responsible for either providing or paying for lunch on XYZ days. If the children have no lunch and no money on the account on the days when their father has responsibility, you consider this a safeguarding issue and expect the school to take action.

I know. I'm annoyed with myself. But it just trickled in over time and then suddenly I'm sitting here selling old clothes online to make a few extra pence and he is setting up another 10k savings account.

OP, your ex is a tight dick. Your current partner is a tight dick. Go to CMS for money from your ex, and bin that freeloader you’re living with now.

So stop, OP. Stop being the safety net. You are taking on responsibilities that are his.

Let your kids have no lunch money - it won't kill them for one day and they can complain to him about it, not you. Maybe warn them to take some extra fruit in or something during the transition but make it clear that you won't be continuing that way.

He sounds like a useless twat. A useless twat with, unfortunately, enough money to throw around to please the kids.

They'll see through it, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner, if they come home from school starving!!

I'm not sure my eldest wants 50/50, my youngest prefers his Dad (can't see past the Disney stuff, the fact his Dad won't say no to stuff, he gets to eat whatever he wants etc etc) so youngest wouldn't want more time with me. Youngest very easily influenced by his Dad, and because it's me who ended things he's been fed a sob story by his dad about me splitting up the family and it not being what ExH wanted. I'm the bad guy. Probably why I'm still being punished by ExH.

What is to stop you telling your current partner tonight that it is over, and he has 7 days to move out?

So current partner pays half of the monthly outgoings (actually just over half, currently he pays £550 and I pay £450 - we needed more money per month but I couldn't increase it by as much as him so we settled on that). The house was bought by my dad, so I don't have a mortgage. He rents out the house that he lived in before we got together, in a city 3 hours away, and I'm somewhat ashamed to say that his income from that is £1800, but I don't see a penny of it. He pays no rent here, just the £550 as above.

I know reading it back it's awful. He previously was letting the house on an ad hoc basis so it wasn't always occupied so I never knew how much he was bringing in from it. Then he agreed a longer term let which is when I found out how much he is benefitting by living with me. On the flip side I lost my tax credits when he moved in, so I'm down by about £300 a month, maybe more, and he is £1250 up.

The "retirement" is the properties that he owns and rents out. So it's not money in an account, although he has lots of those, or anything I have access to. And (stupidly) I only twigged fairly recently that if income from those properties is our/his retirement income, then he is expecting to still live in a house paid for by me when we retire.

I sound like a total mug and complete idiot. I don't even know how it's got to this point. But I completely agree it's not ok, and to whoever asked about what I find attractive in someone who treats me and my kids like this, the answer is not a lot.

I really like this idea, thanks for suggesting it. I think it could really work.

He is travelling abroad for work for 2 weeks tomorrow so I can't do it tonight. But I will put plans in place for when he gets back.

What a prince he is!

Have you actually sent the ex your figures to show that you have paid more? If you haven't, do it. And either way, contact CMS. So what if he goes ballistic? What difference will it make? He's used you and your family and more or less stolen from you, and lied to you and continues to lie to you. What are you afraid of? Where is the woman that started off with her own house and a supportive family? She must have had something about her. You need her to come out from wherever she's been hiding - because your kids need her.

Thank you for this. I really needed to read it.

Maybe just do them a packed lunch everyday ?