That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

[DietCokeAddict19]

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

@DietCokeAddict19 Good job. Pack up his stuff, so when he returns, he can either go straight away and stay in one of his properties, or use his considerable income to get an AirBnB. Get your tax credits claim sorted asap - get it all filled out now, and send it as soon as he has gone. That's fantastic that you have secure housing, it sounds like you have a supportive wider family who have helped you. Don't squander that advantage. You don't need someone who behaves no better than a shitty roommate taking advantage of your goodwill and passivity, and paying you the bear minimum while they rake it in on their own properties.

My dad did this, or the equivalent at the time. Never 'remembered' to have the cash on him for a bus pass and lunch every other week when we started for school from his house, and even when he did he budgeted £1 a day for lunches. £1 bought you the cheapest sandwich and nothing else when I started secondary. Didn't even buy that a couple of years later. Got furious with us and accused us of lying if the bus company put fares up even by pennies. So we had barely enough money for lunches his weeks when he had remembered cash, (weirdly he did always have enough cash for the bus, I think a couple of times he actually stopped at a cashpoint and got out bus money, but not lunch money...) and nothing like enough the weeks he didn't remember. We ended up 'smoothing', eating less than we needed the weeks mum paid to get more the weeks dad paid and we'd have to get lunches and bus out of barely enough for the bus. Didn't tell mum because we didn't want to stress her, no reason for it as he definitely had enough money he just resented paying for us. I remember the absolute joy if I'd been really careful and had collected up 9x5p to buy a millionaire shortbread, they're still my favourite.

As adults we barely have a relationship with him. This is financial abuse of them, and of you by proxy. Don't trash talk him, but I'd let you children help make him responsible as pp suggested. It will help them in the long run to know who their dad is.

Contact CMS and put in a claim again. I am pretty sure you can still get payments even with a 50:50 arrangement based on his earnings.

Is the arrangements you made outside CMS in writing? About the payments etc? If not, I would seek legal advice to try and get this written in family court. It means if he doesn't abide by it, there are consequences.

There's always an excuse for the other parent. It doesn't take much to calculate a rough estimate of what is required and then set up a monthly standing order straight to you.

Its financial abuse realistically and his children are the victims.

Does your partner have children of his own?

He’s up more than that, he would have had bills in the other house to pay too. Why didn’t you move in with him rent free and rent out your house? He should also be reimbursing what you lost. The whole reason you lost it is because it’s expected if someone lives with you as a partner they share their income.

Your current partner sounds like a total leech

In my recent experience the CMS are shit hot. Ring them and give them his address and phone number and they will do the rest. The will be able to look on HMRC to calculate his wage and they will calculate exactly what he owes you.

Holy fuck. Out of the frying pan and into the fire much?!

You do know you deserve better right?

No.

He’s up more than that, he would have had bills in the other house to pay too. Why didn’t you move in with him rent free and rent out your house? He should also be reimbursing what you lost. The whole reason you lost it is because it’s expected if someone lives with you as a partner they share their income.

His house is in a city 3 hours away and my DC are in school and settled here so I wouldn’t relocate them/us.

Call his bluff and say you’ll move into his house and pay him 550 and rent out yours. Old greedy money grabber will be foaming at the mouth at how you could possibly expect to pay so little each month.

Sit down partner and tell him how much worse off you are. Tell him you can’t afford x/y/x and your income dropped due to him moving in (does the 550 include his food). Ask him what does he suggest?

if he’s good egg he will apologise and seriously up his miserly contribution and you can improve your communication skills going forward, maybe explore why you were unhappy to bring it up. Why did you feel you cannot ask a man to pay his way? Why accept so little?
Or if he’s suggests nothing and looks at you as if he has no clue how to change the situation you have your answer and you can then give Mr Greedy 24 hours notice to sort out his own life. He will splutter about the cost of accommodations etc.

Wow get Rid of the current user . Once he’s gone get a cms claim in for your ex.

The longer the current partner stays in your “mortgage free” home the more hold he has over making anything from a split in the future .

If either of these men cared for you or respected you this wouldn’t be happening . They are both users .

The longer the current partner stays in your “mortgage free” home the more hold he has over making anything from a split in the future .

What does that mean @Takeabreather23 ?

Does it mean there is a risk he could somehow put some claim on the house?

“Beneficial interest”. Can be probable where the non-owner has contributed to the mortgage so not sure if he could prove it in your case.

Is the house on your name or your dad’s?

How many properties does he own and how much income does he get from them? How long have you lived together? In case he turns into a Super Wanker when you tell him what’s about to happen, maybe total up how much tax credit you’ve lost as a result of living with him.

The house is in my name.

He's got 3 properties. All have mortgages on them that he is paying. In terms of income I'm really not sure what that would total per month. At a guess, approx 3k? And his income from work is about 7k per month currently, although that sometimes changes a bit and that's the upper end of normal.

Will try and remember how much I used to get in tax credits!

I used to get about £300 per month in tax credits (although some months seems to be a lot more than that, not sure why). So at a minimum it's about £14k I've lost.

There’s a difference between equal nights and shared care. If you partner is having the children 50:50 nights AND sharing care e.g. arranging and attending doctor’s appointments, dropping to/collecting from clubs, dentist appointments etc. then no maintenance is payable regardless of earnings.

However, in a case of 50:50 nights but not shared care that is where the online calculator comes in.

It would be worth calling CMS just to get advice.

No advice but I feel your pain. I have begun claiming child support for first time in 10 years as I have always covered EVERYTHING. I am now being counter sued for his mileage to pick the child up from school. This is a guy who will send the child home with no shoes on so determined he is for me to not benefit in anyway from anything he has purchased for our kid. I’m entitled to $110 per month- about £50 and he has no obligation to pay, the debt is just accruing.

the system is totally broken. It relies on the decent parent doing the right thing by their kids with no accountability for a parent who is selfish and bitter.

I hear your pain.

Just order school meals for the days you have the kids, leave him to make packed lunches when he has them

Wow that's shocking! I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with, and your child too. What is wrong with people?!

Send him a statement/invoice detailing all the dinner money and who has paid what ( since this arrangement started) Note exactly how much he has paid.
Ask to be reimbursed what what he should have paid. Detail how you have to pay at the last minute because he hasn't and how this means that the kids are constantly worried about having to deal with this at school themselves or go hungry and you cannot ignore this when they contact you.
Ask why does he think its ok to constantly place this burden on the children.

In future he will be responsible for school dinner payments and should set up a direct debit and you will reimburse him. Give him the DD details or a form from the school if he hasn't already got them.

Send it by email and recorded delivery.

Send a letter to the school informing them of this situation and a copy of your statement/invoice to him. Ask them to contact him directly.

Tell the school.
Explain its his responsibility this year.
Ask them to contact him.

Yes..it's both your responsibility that your children are clothed and roof overhead ..plus uniform...plus school dinners ...however ...getting to Disney ...life isn't like that ...is there anyway you can downsize? Like ...sadly move somewhere where it's cheaper for you to live ? A million miles away from him and his family ( this also means your links ...social life and work) ...or go to your employer and say that you work hard and at breaking point ...is there a work from home policy ? Or they could redraft you to an office further afield? If so I tell the ex parents in law that you have to move ...due to costs...you hate to do this...but it's no longer an option...maybe they talk to stupid head ..aka your ex? And advise this is not what they want...you need ppl in your corner ...it's hard ..I know single mother for 14 years ...paid for my divorce from a gambler who turned up with expensive no hin effective gifts that did not amount to food ..shoes or clothes and £12 salary with a £80k mortgage ...he was self employed so no child support ...I got there ...and 60 years of age now ..he has nothing but I have honesty and integrity that fish fingers on toast are a delicacy 🤣 he has nothing and my kids are 30 ...he doesn't have contact which is sad but they do have contact with ex grandma 👍

I’m in a similar position- 50/50 (or shared overnights but I pay for uniform swimming lessons and rugby class - I’m on UC and he gives me 191£ / month - he is a senior lawyer

Stop school dinners and do packed lunch and ex will have to fall in line and make lunches also.