That it's not my responsibility to be chasing ExH to pay school dinner money?

[DietCokeAddict19]

ExH and I split up 6 years ago, we have 2 DC who are at secondary school.

ExH is a high earner - approx £100k to my £20k.

Up until last year ExH paid child maintenance (£500 per month) but that stopped as the kids are with us each 50% of the time. It was agreed that we would each pay half of the costs associated with the children (uniform, school trips, school dinners etc) but it almost always falls to me to either buy these things, or I end up having to ask/remind him to pay for them.

Last year over the year I have just totted it up and I paid £700 for school dinners (!!!), he didn't pay anything.

He has the same school app as me so he can see when their balance is running low, but he seemingly doesn't look at it or ignores the reminders to pay. So I end up paying because I don't want the kids to go without lunch. I sent him a message before the term started to highlight that I paid for all school lunches last year and could he top up their balances, to which I got a shirty reply of "I'm sure I put money in last year" and a promise he would top up. He hasn't. So I have because DS1 has 65p in his account and couldn't buy lunch tomorrow otherwise.

Despite ExH having the kids half the time he still seems to be fucking Disney dad and I end up having to be the responsible one and sort everything out. Part of me wonders if he does it on purpose and likes me having to come to him and ask him for money, but I'm fucking tired of it. I hate asking for money and part of me wishes I could pay it all myself so I don't have to ask, but he earns so much more than me and I can't afford it all now that my monthly child maintenance has stopped.

1. Go though CMS
2. Tell the school HE owes and HE needs to be chased. Not you.
3. Packed lunches for your days.
4. Ditch the current freeloader if he won't change in VERY short order.

What an ass

If he's sure he paid it, ask him to provide details of when and how he did so so that you can take it up with the school, because that would mean you overpaid last year and can claim it back. Nowadays it really isn't difficult to trace back payments like that.

And when he can't provide those details, push him to confirm that he is paying for all this year's meals. Tell him if he's too big and important to deal with it, you will happily do so if he transfers the money to you.

Tell your husband that if he doesn't pay what he owes then you will be forced to go back to court and get him to be assessed through CMS.

Also, would you not be better on your own that with your current partner who doesn't seem to treat you any better than your ex?

at their age your dc dont have to stay anywhere they dont want to-hes only doing it to save money

I think the 50:50 isn’t working, and you need to go back to having the kids more and him paying maintenance.

There are quite a few dads out there who see having the kids physically under their roof for half the time - but not covering half the expenses or the mental load - as a brilliant money saver. It’s really not supposed to be that!

Calculate the likely shared costs per year, divide in half and then by 12 to work out what he should be contributing each month. Then tell him he can either pay you that amount directly each month, or you’ll go through the CMS.

And ditch the current “DP”. You are worth so much more than these horrible men.

You, and especially your children, deserve better than men who are freeloaders. You got rid of one (although you got ripped off and still get ripped off by him) and now you've got yourself another.

Long term your kids will know their wealthy father wouldn't buy them their School dinners and judge him accordingly.

But in the meantime you need to work out why you end up with men who rip you off, and change it.

Please rethink your current situation.

Your current partner earns what, x5.5 times what you do and he insists on 50:50 then somehow manages to rename on that? Does he also insist on paying for just what he uses as there’s more of you and you’d be paying it anyway and you have somehow ended up thinking he’s got a point?

You are allowed to have boundaries and terms in a relationship, as is he. You are both free to accept the other person’s terms or to decide you don’t want a relationship on those terms.

The absolute minimum I’d be asking for is that he makes up the shortfall he’s responsible for since he moved in. How much does he contribute and how much is he saving? Does he think of cheaper things to do so you can afford your 50% share or does he still want to do the expensive activities that you find financially difficult?

Him saving for both of your retirements is a nonsense.

How is that being managed? Do you have access to the account it’s in? How was the calculation done to work out how much would be saved each month. Are there any necessary expenses that are being overlooked in order for him to squirrel away his money? Do you get a say in how it’s invested or when it will be used? Are you similar ages?

50:50 for expenses isn’t always fair, especially when one of you is earning over £100k compared to a PT mum.

Tell your EXDH that he is now responsible for paying for school dinner (and any other out of pocket expenses) and to let you know when they’re paid and you’ll transfer him your share. He’s got the spare cash lying around so won’t actually miss £700 (I’d pay him my 50% weekly, but that’s just me 😬).

He is a selfish arse, completely lacking in decency. Take his arse to CMS. He can cry about it in his million pound house 🙄

@DietCokeAddict19 I don’t believe this!!! I’m fuming. He is getting away with murder here. Playing the Disney dad on 100K a year while you’re scraping by and funding his kids on 20K. This is so unfair on you and completely unacceptable. And it seems like he is trying to control you with the financial situation too. He’s a despicable character and you shouldn’t have to put up with all this crap from him. He’s obviously doing it on purpose and getting a kick out of you having to keep asking him for money. Bloody arsehole!!!

Could you just top up on a Tuesday evening enough for your days on Wednesdays and Thursdays?

Unless the 50:50 arrangement is really working for you all, I’d consider telling him this will have to be revoked if he doesn’t start paying his way because you can’t afford to pay for everything. What a dick.

Yanbu. So the abusive pig went for 50/50 and continues to abuse his DC's this way.

Ring the cms , he's had enough time to pay for things and he hasn't bothered.

I'd be getting rid of the new guy as well tight fucker

Small claims court?
Start sending him invoices for every month with interest and late payment penalties?
Or stop 50:50 and go back to claiming more money off him

Yeah the reason you are still owed maintenance if he has the kids half the time is precisely the situation in your post. It's assumed that the resident parent (you in this case) will pay all costs like school dinners/trips/uniform so the other parent still needs to contribute.

I'd tell your ex that he needs to pay all the school dinners for this year and if it doesn't happen you will be going to the CMS

This isn't right, I'm sure you know it isn't but please have a higher bar, you deserve more. If he's moved in with you (presumably causing you to lose any UC top up) then finances should be shared. The fact he's moved in with you means he's taken on responsibility for your kids, and that includes financially.

I don't think the 50/50 thing works anymore like that. You will be entitled to something. Make sure you get it! x

I would go back to child maintenance as you can still claim even if you have 50/50 care. They will ask/look at things like who makes appointments for the kids and takes them, who would the school call if one of them were sick etc-default parent if you like. You probably won’t get £500 like before but it’s worth a shot. If I were you I would also let him know you are going to do this so as not to p*ss him off. Alternatively as others have said send him an invoice a month ahead and ask him to set up a monthly payment plan for their school lunches. Or give them packed lunches on your days. The fact you keep paying means he won’t bother 🤷‍♀️ also depending on your kids ages let them know it’s their dad responsibility to provide lunch or money on his days.

This is the problem with 50:50. If he's earning that amount he's not spending 50% of his time with her, is he? And he clearly thinks you can pay for everything even though he's earning five times your salary.

I'd go for less time with him and child maintenance if possible.

If you have 50:50 then he has to supply EVERYTHING for the kids when they are at his. All their clothes, toiletries, school uniform etc . Send them with nothing but the clothes on their back - the same as he does for you .

( If I’m wrong and he sends them to yours with a suitcase full of clean ironed clothes then feel free to ignore me ).

And you need to inform the school that the school lunch debt belongs to your children’s father for the days he has them.

Do not become the mediator between you ex and the school. If they ask you to give him a message etc, just explain that you can’t do that as things are not amiable between you / there is a history of abuse and your solicitor has advised you not to do so.

Personally I do apologise to them when I have to say this, I say that I’m sorry for any inconvenience to them / we have no contact / that the situation isn’t of my choosing/ I know it’s not ideal for my kids etc. I know I shouldn’t have to but I don’t want them to think I’m just doing it be be awkward. Fortunately ex H acted like an arrogant shit when he used to have contact with the school, so I suspect they know what I’m dealing with.

If your kids go to after school / out of school activities on the days he has them, then he has to pay.

Ask you ex to do this IN WRITING ( pref by email ). If you text then screen shot it . Don’t phone him or ask him in person . You need the paper trail for CMS, they will NOT take your word for it.

eg Tom wants to do hockey club again this term . I have the dates and 6/10 dates are on your days. The fees are £100 so your share is £60. Please send this to me by x date so I can pay or he will lose his place in the B team training session.

Both of these say he should still be paying something. I would be fairly certain he knows this and is hoping you'd never find out...

50/50 maintenance example

Gov Shared Living arrangements

If you do get this though, be prepared for him to stop contributing 50/50 to some other costs though...

I agree with PP though, it seems like you've gone from out of the frying pan and in to the fire with your next partner.

Don't marry him!

I'm wondering if he is paying for other things and therefore thinks you covering lunches is appropriate ? Does he pay for any after school clubs, hobbies, clothes etc that he doesn't ask for half toward ?

He is probably too busy to check the money owing if he has a high powered job. I don't think this is worth stressing about. But on the other hand sounds like you got a raw deal in the divorce. Just ask him for the money he should paying. It might be something he just doesn't think about.

So your worse off again because of a man?
You need to get a grip.