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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
ssd · 07/09/2023 17:52

Im sorry for your loss but i think money should be shared in a marriage, in a joint account.

ssd · 07/09/2023 17:52

Im sorry for your loss but i think money should be shared in a marriage, in a joint account.

PackBacker · 07/09/2023 17:54

I think you need to hang on to the money and when you feel the time is right you decide what to spend it on.

Thehonestbadger · 07/09/2023 17:54

When you’re married money is a joint asset, if he divorced you the courts would give him half anyway so I don’t see a difference.

JanesBlond · 07/09/2023 17:55

In general I think money should be shared in a marriage but it sounds like he isn’t very trustworthy, taking out loans in secret. Do you generally have equal access to money? Is your marriage generally ok?

CherryMaDeara · 07/09/2023 17:55

Are you saying your husband has spent £30k on you? And is it stuff that benefits both of you just him?

If the money benefitted both of you I wouldn’t give him any money.

However, you could save the money and spend it on things for the family (holiday, house improvement, pay off mortgage etc).

Keep half just for yourself.

GorillaInBikini · 07/09/2023 17:55

Sorry for your loss.

If the money was spent on both of you I don't think it's unreasonable to use it to pay off what is probably a joint liability or would be if you split.

What would you spend it on? How would you feel if he inherited a big sum and didn't share it?

lauraisa · 07/09/2023 17:58

All loans paid and then the rest split 50/50 or paid towards the mortgage.

Thelonelygiraffe · 07/09/2023 17:59

I would not be happy this this for lots of reasons:

  1. Your h was deceitful about taking out a loan. You didn't know he was spending money on you from a loan.
  2. I would not give him half my inheritance - he can't be trusted with money.
  3. I'd say an inheritance should be family money, used eg on the house or a car to benefit you both, not split.
  4. You can't talk to h or tell him how you feel because he gets upset. That's no good. He needs to be able to discuss money calmly with you like an adult.

How is the rest of your relationship?

tiredandolderthanithought · 07/09/2023 17:59

We had an inheritance recently and it's there for us to do things together as a family. But we have been like this anyway and don't split things!

LylaLee · 07/09/2023 18:00

Thehonestbadger · 07/09/2023 17:54

When you’re married money is a joint asset, if he divorced you the courts would give him half anyway so I don’t see a difference.

Inheritance is treated differently.

Sprogonthetyne · 07/09/2023 18:01

Your feelings a valid, I think I'd feel the same. In effect he hasn't spent anything on you, he's taken out a load, which he now wants you to pay off, but still feels he should get credit for spending. To be honest if you have so little say/understand of family finances, that you didn't know where the money was from, you have problems beyond the inheritance. Are you involved in financial decisions? Are marital assets in your name?

If it was the inheritance issue alone, I'd probably spend it on something that benefited the whole family, like towards a house for you all or family holiday, depending on amount, but you should have control/ final say on what it is spent on.

However, as I said, it seems you have bigger issues going on, that the inheritance has just highlighted, so I'd maybe examine the relationship as a whole, and make a choice as to if you wish to be in it before you get the money.

FOJN · 07/09/2023 18:02

Has your husband been taking out loans, without your knowledge, to fund a lifestyle which makes him look generous and now want you to use inheritance to pay back those loans?

Whether or not he has spent the money on you is largely irrelevant because he has been dishonest about his origins.

Do you know what his income is? Have you ever questioned where he was getting money from to fund all the things he was paying for?

I do think finances should be shared in a marriage but I would not give him free access to your inheritance until I had seen how the 30k he borrowed was spent. I would be concerned that he is irresponsible with money or that he was funding a habit.

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 18:05

I wouldn’t want the money to go on paying off a debt that I didn’t know existed.

If it weren’t for that, I’d expect inheritance money to be spent primarily on the family as a whole but handing over half to a husband/wife seems weird.

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 07/09/2023 18:10

Put the entire inheritance in your pension and premium bonds. Lock it away because your husband will blow what will be a life changing amount. Speak to a financial adviser and see how you can use the money to make your life comfortable. You could pay off a chunk of your mortgage and pay off debts but don't give your DH half of it.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 07/09/2023 18:10

Big fat no here. You give him half and he'll spend it then come at you for reasons to share 'your' half with him.

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 18:11

Thank you for all your answers and opinions! I really feel awkward in this situation, as someone mentioned above, I had no idea that the majority he spent was loan money. I would not have accepted the help otherwise. He just announced that most of the spendings were from the loan. My question that bugs me for a while, what would have happened if my Dad didn’t pass away? Would he still ask me to pay? I doubt it… Anyways please shower me with your opinion! Thank you! It is good to see different point of views!

OP posts:
KitchenSinkLlama · 07/09/2023 18:15

Inheritance is considered a non-matrimonial asset, so not joint. It can be ring fenced in divorce, although it isn't always clear cut.
Basically the money is yours, but it is worth considering how your husband has contributed financially up to now, before keeping the money separate.

eenymeenymineymo · 07/09/2023 18:16

Inheritance is different. If your Dad had wanted your husband to have any he would have noted that in his Will, final wishes etc.
Do make sure you deposit it into a bank account - or Bonds etc as above - in your OWN name, it is not joint matrimonial money if you keep it separate from the get-go.
And think about how your Dad wanted you to benefit from it - & if you were to decide to withdraw some for a holiday or a new TV that's still your choice - if & when. Flowers

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 07/09/2023 18:17

Don't tell him when you get it and put it straight into a pension or long term investment. See a financial advisor asap and don't tell your DH.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Whataretheodds · 07/09/2023 18:18

Which country are you in? (And is the inheritance in the same country?) Are you legally married in that country?

HoneyPotts · 07/09/2023 18:20

Tell him if he wants half he can divorce you for it.

Staplesonstamps · 07/09/2023 18:21

If you give him half and he clears a debt could you not end up in a situation where if you divorced (not saying you would but if that did happen) and you had kept/invested your half in something (including the house) he then gets half of yours on top of the half he had?

Anyway I think it’s weird someone demanding access to half someone else’s inheritance immediately even if you are married.

When my OH got a small inheritance recently from his mum, he spent it exactly as he pleased as I didn’t feel I had a claim to it, his mum, his money, he used some to make a payment off the mortgage and the rest he used to treat himself to new hobby equipment. I didn’t get involved at all.

In all other financial matters we are entirely blended with joint accounts etc, no working out who owes what. The money goes in, things get paid and we spend what we like on what we like, no one keeps score or demands ‘half’

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 18:21

We live in the UK, I am from an EU country and we are officially married in both countries.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 07/09/2023 18:22

I think an inheritance is personal money. It's one of those exceptions to the rule if you like. I seem to recall that inheritance is also excluded from divorce settlements (not 100% sure on that but I think that's what I heard somewhere).

So it's very much YOUR money, to do with as you wish. If you want to share it with your DH, or gift him some of it, then so be it. But you are under no obligation to do so.

This money from your Dad is like a gift. An inheritance from parents is a once-in-a-lifetime event and is very personal. Your parents wanted you to have that money. It's yours and nobody else's. You might choose to buy a piece of jewellery with it, or put it away for a rainy day. It's not up to your DH to tell you what you will be doing with it.

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