Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 07/09/2023 18:23

I would be asking to see the detail of these loans. When they were taken out etc.

justbraisi · 07/09/2023 18:24

Do you have children? I'd put it into bonds or a trust for them. Lots of people on this thread suggested all money is family money...but it would really annoy me if my husband announced that I should give him half just because he wanted to look like the big man spending beyond his means.

GrumpyPanda · 07/09/2023 18:24

ssd · 07/09/2023 17:52

Im sorry for your loss but i think money should be shared in a marriage, in a joint account.

Except that doesn't seem to be what the husband's been doing, does it? In fact the entire OP has a strong whiff of financial abuse about it.

  • From her username OP has at least one child.
  • Family finances aren't shared.
  • Yet husband "helped" with holidays and keeps reinforcing in her that she's being "pampered" - why? Because he makes more than she and hence pays more?

I'd lay bets this is one of these cases where the OP is still expected to pay 50:50, depleting her savings even when on maternity leave with HIS child. The utter lack of financial transparency from his side makes it even worse.

Greyfoot · 07/09/2023 18:25

It wouldn't occur to me that an inheritance wasn't shared money, but I wouldn't be having half each, it would go into a family pot to be spent based on joint decisions.

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 18:25

I love this one! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 18:27

Kinda…

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/09/2023 18:30

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 18:11

Thank you for all your answers and opinions! I really feel awkward in this situation, as someone mentioned above, I had no idea that the majority he spent was loan money. I would not have accepted the help otherwise. He just announced that most of the spendings were from the loan. My question that bugs me for a while, what would have happened if my Dad didn’t pass away? Would he still ask me to pay? I doubt it… Anyways please shower me with your opinion! Thank you! It is good to see different point of views!

But where DID you think all the money was doing from? I know what my DH earns, I know what we spend, I know all our financial dealings because I chose to make sure I was always informed.
You were happy enough to let him spend money on you, regardless as to where it came from.
When my DM died, I shared my inheritance with my DH, as he did with me when his DM died.

tescocreditcard · 07/09/2023 18:30

There is a mumsnet myth that all money in marriages belongs to both people. This is incorrect. People can have their own money in marriages. IF YOU GET DIVORCED then the money might be split equally but if you are married, the money is yours and yours alone.

shiningstar2 · 07/09/2023 18:31

Sorry for your loss op. If you were happy to accept him spending money on you without enquiring whether he could afford it or was taking out loans to pay for thes treats that made you feel pampered then I think it's reasonably that now you are going to be the one with money some of it should be given to your DH. Not necessarily half but some. You are a team and if part of the reason he is in debt is because of things he bought you then it seems to be fair that there is some sort of sharing.

Floralnomad · 07/09/2023 18:32

This wouldn’t even be a question in our house as all money is joint .

Flipbopboop · 07/09/2023 18:33

Inheritance aside, you need to be discussing the family finances and where the money has been going. Is he working? Where are his wages going? How long has he had the salary? Do you have a mortgage and have the loans been taken against that?
This would be a real trust issue for me. I'd need to know every detail.

I'm expecting a sum of money shortly and it will be put in a joint account with my partner.

ASDMumof2 · 07/09/2023 18:34

@Mumofacutie I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard losing a parent :( I hope you have access to counselling x

Refthe money - use it topay off the loan, don't give your DH half it. Just clear your joint debt.

Then you can both decide how to use tge rest of the money. In a marriage the money is a joint asset, but yoyr DH is OOO expecting to have 50% given to him!

olderbutwiser · 07/09/2023 18:35

Like a PP said - You are married. How come you didn't know that the money he was spending on you was a loan? Where did you think that money came from? Surely you know what your husband had before you married and what he earns?

And yes, I do think an inheritance should be considered a marital asset.

Twentypastfour · 07/09/2023 18:35

In my marriage all assets are shared, so I don’t think this would rebuild a question .. BUT my husband taking out a loan without my knowledge would be potentially marriage ending.

If he wants to share finances how dare he take out a loan without you knowing and agreeing fully?

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/09/2023 18:36

PackBacker · 07/09/2023 17:54

I think you need to hang on to the money and when you feel the time is right you decide what to spend it on.

I think you need to get over your dad's loss before you even start to think what you want to do with your inheritance - and that you both need to talk about it when you do decide.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your DH hasn't lost a parent yet and doesn't realise how it pulls the rug from under your feet. Don't do anything until you are ready

DinnaeFashYersel · 07/09/2023 18:38

ssd · 07/09/2023 17:52

Im sorry for your loss but i think money should be shared in a marriage, in a joint account.

I agree. I think having his and hers money in a family a strange concept. Resources should be pooled for the family. Our money.

TinyTeacher · 07/09/2023 18:38

It seems strange that he's kept a record and taken on loans without telling you.

Equally it seems strange that you wouldn't share it. I suppose it wouldn't have to be equally, but you are married so presumably have lots of joint costs?

My DH is due to get some inheritance soon. I don't know the exact amount but I think probably significant but not massive. I took on some credit card debt recently on our behalf (one of his relatives needed care and sorting this out cost money and I had a credit card with a large limit I don't usually use). DH has already said the first call on the inheritance money is to get me square again. But we have both sort of assumed but not really discussed directly that reducing out mortgage will be a reasonable priority - it is a joint cost and one that has risen and will rise more next year. We're married so financial burdens are shared. I suppose he might also want some to treat himself a bit. He could do with some new suits.

How do you usually split money?

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/09/2023 18:38

Twentypastfour · 07/09/2023 18:35

In my marriage all assets are shared, so I don’t think this would rebuild a question .. BUT my husband taking out a loan without my knowledge would be potentially marriage ending.

If he wants to share finances how dare he take out a loan without you knowing and agreeing fully?

BUT my husband taking out a loan without my knowledge would be potentially marriage ending.

Totally agree with this - what would he have done had your dad not died? Just spiralled further and further into debt until you lost your home?

Twentypastfour · 07/09/2023 18:39

And I would be asking for complete transparency and joint access to all finances. Full details of the loan. His full acceptance that taking out a loan without you knowing is unacceptable and cannot ever happen again.

WhateverMate · 07/09/2023 18:39

Money is just money in my marriage. We don't have a lot of it but we've always shared what we have.

But if that's not the case for you then YANBU.

OriginalFloorboards · 07/09/2023 18:40

Inherited money is ring fenced in marriage as long as it’s not put into a joint account. I recently checked with a UK solicitor as part of other advice.

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/09/2023 18:41

DinnaeFashYersel · 07/09/2023 18:38

I agree. I think having his and hers money in a family a strange concept. Resources should be pooled for the family. Our money.

Show quote history

It's very common nowadays.

DH and I just pool resources, but we know plenty of couples who have separate finances. It works for them.

Highandlows · 07/09/2023 18:42

Inheritance is yours but the loan debt is joint. You need to see what is he doing to repay this. Basically you are liable for this debt too. Being in your shoes I would be paying the debt if is on interest.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 18:43

Don’t give him a penny. Pp’s have said that you should have asked if he could afford it was taking out loans but if you’re not in a position where you know what he earns (and he doesn’t bother to mention taking out a loan) then I don’t think you should be splitting your cash.

CoolShoeshine · 07/09/2023 18:44

Could you pay off the debts and tell him that was from his ‘share’