Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband demands half if the heritage from me

230 replies

Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 17:50

Hello. Fist of all, please don’t get me wrong, as I don’t want to sound devilish, but I am wondering if I am unreasonable feeling bad about sharing the money I will inherit from my Dad soon. I will try to cut long story short. My beloved Dad passed away this February, and me and my brother have inherited his house. We are going to sell the house soon, so the half of the money is going to be mine. (We are in the UK but the house is not, so value is significantly lower than here) When I mentioned the inheritance to my husband, he straight away came up with the idea that I should give half of my part to him and the other half would be mine to keep. Now I am not the type of person, who wouldn’t want to help her family, but the way he announced his wish made me feel disappointed.
Firstly, I am having a hard time coping with the loss of my father:( Secondly, my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially, had holidays etc. He has always made me feel I am pampered and he is generous with me in general, but it turned out apparently that the money he spent on us was a loan , and a huge amount, like £30K alltogether.
Once I mentioned to him that I am not so happy to spend my inheritance money on loans, he got upset and started to mention all the things he spent on me. Somehow, I feel this is not fair and upsets me, because ,one, had no idea that all these spendings were covered by bank loans, and two, this feels like he is asking the money back he spent on me. Feels like he lent me some money and now it is time to pay back. He basically wants to pay in this money for the loan.

I may be unreasonable, I feel totally confused, maybe I look selfish even. I know we are family, and we are to support each other. Maybe I am more sensitive about this money as it is “from my Daddy I have just lost and he was so precious to me”. Maybe because of this I cannot think clearly.

What would you do of you were in my situation? How would all these things mentioned above make you feel? Please share your thoughts! Thank you!

Just an additional note: if I bring this up to my husband, he goes upset straight away, so I don’t bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2023 19:10

I would be furious to found out my husband has secret debt. I wouldn’t be handing over any cash. I would be insisting we sit down and do a detailed accounting of all finances. Then we would make a plan to eliminate the debt and ensure openness in the future. All accounts would be reviewed monthly going forward.

I follow the shared finances approach to marriage, but secret debt would have me wanting to keep a stash of money set aside at least for the short-term to protect myself.

Willmafrockfit · 07/09/2023 19:11

i dont think he should suddenly tell you it was a loan,
you didnt know it was a loan.

Ridemeginger · 07/09/2023 19:11

my husband paid for many things for me in the past and helped me financially

@Mumofacutie Can you elaborate on this, please? Why was he helping you financially? Were you working and contributing equally into the family coffers, or did you come into the relationship with debt?

Danielle8p · 07/09/2023 19:11

@Mumofacutie sorry but if he got these loans to help you out financially and support you then I 100 percent think that now you've got this money it would quite cruel to not help pay it back.

AdoraBell · 07/09/2023 19:12

Under English law it will be joint due to marriage. In your case I would get legal advice about giving it to your children.

TerrorOwls · 07/09/2023 19:14

I would not be handing over my dads hard earned money to a husband that is irresponsible with money.

LivelyBlake · 07/09/2023 19:14

OP, can he pay off the loan comfortably or is he struggling? What kind of things did he spend the money on? How do you organise the family finances?

ActDottie · 07/09/2023 19:16

ssd · 07/09/2023 17:52

Im sorry for your loss but i think money should be shared in a marriage, in a joint account.

This is how my husband and I work. We are a team :) but obviously discuss big spends etc.

greenspaces4peace · 07/09/2023 19:17

first off inheritance money is given to YOU not your dh.
yes in a marriage assets are split somewhat equally based slightly on need.
SO is your pension equal to his?
i've received inheritances, i firstly take care of MY needs then share.
and since i'm in a long marriage some of my needs are beneficial to both of us, like reducing mortgage payments and paying off car loans etc.
when i received my latest inheritance, i shared heavily with my adult children, set up a proper savings account for the first time in my life and yes paid off family bills.
NO dh did not get 50%, straight up front.

Mumteedum · 07/09/2023 19:19

There's a few things here to unravel.

What was it the loan was spent on? Was it frittered on little things so you didn't notice or question where the money came from?

Your husband is not treating you as an equal. It comes across as you are the lady and the man enjoys 'spoiling' you. He's in charge of the money and it's your job to enjoy the gifts he bestows and be grateful. ..which you have been.

That's all very well but it was not his money. And he has put your family in debt without you having any say over this.

And now he's decided he is entitled to your Dad's money.

He's being insensitive for one, because it's not about him.

You may well want to pay off the loan (this may be financially a good idea if it's a lot of money with a bad rate) but I think you need a serious decision about well....decisions. You need to be equals and I don't think he sees you that way.

I would ask to see all loan paperwork. If the inheritance is significant, get some financial advice..... But this is also your inheritance to remember your dad. You should spend some on a wonderful holiday or a much needed new car for yourself... something you can feel grateful to your Dad for and he would be happy to see you enjoy.

I also lost my dad this year. It's very hard. Don't decide anything yet.

And sorry this is long...I'm awful for long posts...but when mum inherited...she bought a motorhome and mum and dad enjoyed years of happy holidays in it. She now has those memories to cherish. I think that's a nice thought.

Tldr.... Do not give half to your husband. Try and work on more equal adult relationship, and discuss how YOU would like to spend it. Ultimately I think it's your call but I'm sure you won't waste it (unlike your dh).

Mumteedum · 07/09/2023 19:20

TerrorOwls · 07/09/2023 19:14

I would not be handing over my dads hard earned money to a husband that is irresponsible with money.

Well said

Nimello · 07/09/2023 19:20

KitchenSinkLlama · 07/09/2023 18:15

Inheritance is considered a non-matrimonial asset, so not joint. It can be ring fenced in divorce, although it isn't always clear cut.
Basically the money is yours, but it is worth considering how your husband has contributed financially up to now, before keeping the money separate.

You're right that it isn't clear cut. In the case of divorce, it would depend on whether there was enough in the pot for both parties to be housed (etc) reasonably without taking any inheritance into account. If there isn't enough for this, then an inheritance would be included. Anyone in this situation would need to take proper legal advice specific to their actual finances.

Speaking as a non-professional: if you are at the stage of a marriage where you are wanting to keep your inheritance as 'yours', and are wrangling with your husband about how much he has spent (when marriage means that everything is shared), then I'd be questioning the marriage as a whole.

cisisaslur · 07/09/2023 19:20

What would about me in this case is that he has asked for/expects half of your money.
If you chose to share it that's fine. But this would annoy me

menopausalbloat · 07/09/2023 19:21

My DH came into money when his Dad died. He kept it in his account and I felt it was up to him how he spent it.
If I had needed any though. he wouldn't hesitate to give me some.

BH701 · 07/09/2023 19:22

Hi,

I'm Sorry for your loss. I think the money should be yours, he was your dad and if you decide to spend it on the family or make joint decisions on how it should be spent then great. I wouldn't just hand him half.

I think getting loans to make himself look more generous isn't right, you didn't ask for those things. He chose to get a loan, to make himself look like the 'bread winner' and that he was taking care of you, but that loan isn't on you to pay back if you didn't know he had done this. X

Clefable · 07/09/2023 19:24

Essentially, I think that if you're in a happy, stable marriage with someone who is on the same page as you re: money, then at least a large part of inheritance should be treated as a boost for the family, because making life better for our family makes life better for us all. That's what my fairly large inheritance from my mum is going to do. Pay off our mortgage, give us a couple of nice holidays and a new car and then provide for our girls' futures. I will use a little of it to get a piece of jewellery made that is something special related to her.

But if you're in an unstable marriage or your spouse is unreliable with money or has a history of bad financial decisions (like racking up a £30k loan without you knowing) then I'd be a lot more reluctant to hand over money that might get pissed away.

2chocolateoranges · 07/09/2023 19:25

In ur house money is both our money. However dh inheritated money last year and I told him it’s up to him how he spends it as it’s from his parents.

my friends father passed away and she got an inheritance , this was NOT included as marital money when they divorced and she got to keep it all.

menopausalbloat · 07/09/2023 19:25

Just to add, If I had taken out a loan, I wouldn't expect him to bail me out with his inheritance.

Original poster
Mumofacutie · 07/09/2023 19:26

To be honest he deserves the money, no doubt. I guess we went downhill since our daughter was born and I went on maternity, and then I have been working part time just to cover daughters nursery fees. My husband has been paying mortgage and rent, but I do all the houseworks, and most of the childcare. I am well dependent on him, which is my fault as I didn’t study enough back then to gain a good qualification. I know I am going to give this money for him, but whenever he paid something off for me (let s give you examples: I needed 2 teeth implants, he paid it off. If I had to go to hairdressers sometimes paid it off.) , so when he did that I always told him how much I appreciate all these and sorry he has to spend all these money on me as I am on low income. He always assured me that is what family for !
Now when he brought all these things up he spent on me when he got to know of my inheritance, it felt like he demands this money, as he made me favours before. I hope what I am trying to say makes sense. It is not really about that I don’t want to help him, it is about the way he demands the money, because of the loan he took before which I was not aware of. Also, generally earns good money, that is why I was not suspicious before. We didn’t go on luxury holidays, just middle-category, like Turkey, once a year. no Gucci hadbags, no fancy cars, nothing like that, so that is why I was not concerned.

OP posts:
mycoffeecup · 07/09/2023 19:27

You're married. It's half his. End of.

VWT5 · 07/09/2023 19:27

Did your DH only tell you about “the loans” after he heard about your inheritance? That would be quite telling.

Your DF would likely not want you to just “give” half of what’s yours away to your DH. Your DF worked all his life for that.

Certainly as an interim measure I would most definitely be placing it somewhere inaccessible to your DH….even if only for now.
As others say, things like Premium Bonds (online, so only you can access, keep it private), maybe tell your DH it’s tied up now “in your pension”….but you can do ISA’s, Sipp, other savings. Or “it’s been invested as instructed by your DF in his Will”

If the money is located in another country that might even be beneficial to you in the short term too, perhaps with your brothers help, you can say the funds “are delayed due to local processes” in your country - if you want.

sharing is one thing, but I think it says a lot about your DH that he even asks you to “give him” half.
Please don’t acquiesce to his demands, and please take your time, don’t be rushed.

GingerScallop · 07/09/2023 19:28

problem is he got loans without discussing with her.
I also see a problem ij how he has asked for it. very entitled .

op i think you need to calmly discuss this with him. May be use half to pay loans then for the other half save/invest a bit in kids then do somethings for yourself. its unfair that he pampered you and wants you to pay back essentially

Chippy4me · 07/09/2023 19:28

YABU

You are married so all money is shared.

Do you have children that aren’t his?
As then I would want to put money aside for just them.

What are both of your incomes?

It sounds as though he spends a lot of money on you, which you didn’t mind at the time but now don’t want to spend the money on him.

When his parents die will you be happy not benefiting from any of it?

I would find out what the loan was for and why he took one out if you are both working.

Tiddlywinkly · 07/09/2023 19:29

I'd be very concerned that he took out a huge loan and didn't tell you until after the news of the inheritance. Very concerned.

Is it in his name? As you're married, are you jointly liable? Someone will legal knowledge will be on here hopefully.

Laurelin · 07/09/2023 19:30

mycoffeecup · 07/09/2023 19:27

You're married. It's half his. End of.

That's very much not the case from a legal perspective. Inheritance is treated differently than other forms of income.

Swipe left for the next trending thread